I AM NOT EMPTY
i have more to say, i promise
my brain is struggling to create
my hands are struggling to type
my mouth is struggling to speak
but i will prevail
I always do.
Because I am not empty.
The Man’s Nature
Maybe it isn’t only what he wants.
Maybe it’s what he needs.
Maybe he should get it. Maybe he can’t live without it.
Maybe then, just maybe he should just.....
DIE DIE DIE
YOU SHOULD FUCKING DIE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.
YOU DON'T DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT.
AND YOU CERTAINLY DON'T NEED IT.
I CANNOT FUCKING FUNCTION BECAUSE OF YOU.
IT HAS BEEN YEARS....
it has been years since you dove your nose into my hair and took a deep breathe, inhaling the scent of my purity. it has been years since you held my fifteen-year old waist tightly while you whispered in my ear,
"YOU are the reason I'm hard at work right now, you dirty whore."
It has been fucking years since i've felt innocent you fucking FUCK
It's been a long time since you grabbed my breasts while "catching me" so I don't slip on the floor I just mopped.
it has been years since you tried to push me to the floor behind the counter and make me your "dirty little secret".
it has been so many so many so many so many years since you made me a tag for my hat stating
"It's your fault that you have a grown woman's body. You are making me do this to you."
And I believed you.
I FUCKING BELIEVED YOU.
it's been awhile since you jacked off to my voice over the headset in the bathroom of the restaurant.
it's been years since you watched me clean the ejaculation off of the walls the same night.
it's been so many years.........
but it feels like yesterday.
What did I do?
IT was only you to blame
for the man's nature
“Car Problems are the Least of my Worries” (Chapter 2)
She can’t go back now. She has been trying to hide this for years. She hasn’t cried for years. She hasn’t done anything wrong for so long and now she has shown her reality, her deep insides to a complete stranger. The most popular, richest, most handsome boy in the school has seen her sob.
They're now sitting across from each other at his inexplicably long dining room table. He's hurt by her distancing, but wisely chooses not to make an issue of it. She sits, freshly showered, wearing her now dried and warm clothing, fresh from the laundry room. She has a blanket wrapped around her, and she holds it to her nose. She doesn't feel like talking. She doesn't feel like admitting to herself, the seemingly horrible damage she has done.
Many, many, many, many people want to say that a highschool experience was not a big deal and many of their issues are now non-issues in adulthood, but this is so very false, and she knows this. Highschool introduces an heirarchy to all of these unsteady, not ready children. They are shoved and forced into this building with incredibly evil people who seem harmless. They're the same age?
What harm could they do?
Does the girl with the scars on her arms and legs answer the question?
Does the boy skipping school because he is being leered at for his poor Walmart brand clothing answer the question?
Does the homeless girl who sleeps with men for money for food and shelter and has people gleefully taunt and ask her for "favors" in the hallway answer the question?
Does the teenager who doesn't know who they are and gets constantly dead-named and made fun of about their body answer the question?
Does the fat girl who gets snorted at who also endures the utmost humiliation for breaking a desk answer the question?
Does the superintendant's daughter who gave a blow-job to a dog, and her friends took the video, but no one got in trouble answer the question?
Does the popular boy who hit and almost killed someone with his car late at night while driving both high and drunk with absolutely nothing but a warning answer the question?
Does the girl with special needs who is constantly taunted by the rich group, being recorded by their phones and laughing becuase they're "better" than this wonderful, kind, harmless, loving girl answer the question?
Does the black boy who was told "You smell, you dirty nigger" and "Go back to your country" and he ends up shooting himself in his head, swallowing the pain, and suffering, and the bullet answer your FUCKING QUESTION?
And people who read her story think that she will be okay after this.
Highschool is brutal, people are evil. People believe a girl telling her story about a possible cliché romance between the nerdy girl and the most popular boy is childish, overdone, and dry. When in reality, no one was truly honest about this experience, or they were the ones who were never affected by these horrible things.
She is ruined. He is going to tell everyone. That's just who he is. She doesn't know why the fuck she did what she did, and she is absolutely shutting down. She's going to have to move schools. She's going to have to find a way to get through this, because he will tell everyone her weakness. He will humiliate her for status. He will let her down.
There is no way around it.
This is highschool.
This is why car problems are the least of her worries.
I am a coward. I am such a coward.
You know when people always talk about what they would do if something bad happens? Some people are more honest then others with their, “Yeah I would get out of there. I’m trying to save myself.”, while others are more concerned with their family, saying they would only save their mom or dad, kids or siblings. Then there are people like me. People that say, “I would sacrifice myself.” Do I really feel that way? I believe I do. I do love others much more than I love myself and would rather me die than everyone else.
But another point has been made. What if I sacrifice myself and it doesn’t work. Would I still be willing enough to save others if my life turned out to be a waste? Would I still be willing to throw myself in front of the barrel of the gun if it would just go through me and all the others?
Would I still be willing to bleed out on the floor, my head on the cold tile, and although I am unable to move and I struggle to breathe, I can watch others bodies absorb the bullets as they scream, the agony and fear blurring my vision and echoing in my ears? Would I still do it, knowing it was a lost cause, or would I do it, only with the comfort and satisfaction of knowing that everyone will be okay, maybe even me? Do I really care about these lives, or do I just want the fame and glory for my heroism?
My school is “due” for a school shooting. The bullying has become worse, kids have been starting fires in the bathrooms, and instead of afterschool, fighting is right out in the open, at the lunch tables, in the classrooms. Nobody cares anymore. There is something significant about this school year. So many kids are breaking down in class and people are threatening others with scarring, abuse, kidnapping, and even death.
Nobody has any love anymore. There is so much hate that one can feel when they enter the building. You can feel the anger and despair. You can feel everyone's souls dying and the love of learning be still in it's grave.
All of the phones are down today. The cameras aren’t working. None of administration can meet with each other or talk to each other via earpiece. This means that someting is going on.
And what did I do?
I got up. Grabbed my things, and I left.
I am a coward. I am a coward.
Frozen to the Core
I locked myself in the freezer
so that I could feel no more
I sit there and shiver
What am I cold for
I want the temp. to drop
I want to be truly numb
I can’t help myself or stop
Where is this coming from
That I’m here alone
No one it appears
Wants to be my hero
I know I put myself here
What should I expect
I thought I wouldn’t disappear
But my fate has been set
I want him to love me
I want him to say sorry
I want him to hold me
In his arms
I want him to light a fire
I want him to desire
But isn't a liar
He can’t warm me
They say don’t fight fire with fire
Two wrongs don’t make right
So when will he tire
Of all of their fights
We can do this together
If you grab the key
And unlock the freezer
Just please hold me
Heat me up
Feel like I’m enough
Heat me up
In your favorite mug
I locked my self in the freezer
So I could feel no more
Suddenly a sound I hear
He opens the door
But now it’s way too late
I’m frozen over
I guess this was my fate
I’m frozen to the core
What Have I?
I have wasted away into nothing.
I was a flower that was nourished for many, many years.
Because I was given so much, I grew to give to others.
I had forgotten that everyone is a weed.
They just take away from you. Suck the life out of you so that you can’t breathe, so that you cannot see.
They pull you down and want more and more of you until you are gone.
They didn’t care about you. They just wanted what you had to offer all along.
They take you for granted. Your kindness seen as weakness.
Your compassion seen as you being a doormat. Nobody cares about me.
If they did, they would ask if I’m okay.
They would listen to what I have to say.
They would check in on me.
But nobody does.
I have wasted away into nothing.
What is She?
What is she here for?
What is she smiling for?
What is she loving for?
What is she breathing for?
What is she fighting for?
She is here, even though she doesn’t want to be.
She is shaking and shuddering and shivering.
She is nervous and cold, she’s freezing.
But she wants to support you, despite social anxiety.
She is smiling because she cares about you and your hard work.
She is supporting you at your game because she hopes that you’ll notice her.
But you don’t. And she cheers you on at every game, leaving feeling hurt.
But at any given moment, she is smiling at you first.
She is loving anyone that comes through her path of life.
She loves them more than anything, because she feels that it’s right.
She loves and feels with everything, makes others feel light.
Makes them know that they’ll be alright.
She is breathing because she has to. She has to be there for you.
She knows that you get scared, that you have anxiety too.
She knows that she has to be there to lighten your mood.
She is breathing and wheezing because she loves you.
She is fighting because it isn’t easy anymore.
She is fighting and trying to stand from the floor.
She collapses and doesn’t want to get up anymore.
But she is fighting for you because deep down in her core…
She believes that one day you will love her too.
What is Love?
love is a game
that everyone plays
it happens everyday
love is a toy, today
that everyone uses
some people take this toy away
use it as a pawn instead
love is nothing
that I could believe in
they don’t really love me
if they did they would treat me differently
love is something everyone longs for
Something that everyone wants to feel
Something that everyone wants to know
and share, and give, and take, with someone
love is useless
I can never feel it when I’m around them
All i feel is dictatorship and domination
love is supposed to be a shared thing
but all they do is take away everything
love is a lie
such a sweet fib
such a tempting treat
that is poison
love is not real
people cut deals
get what they want
which then reveals
that love is not something that I have ever properly felt
I cannot know her
I cannot feel her
I cannot see her
I cannot hear her
I cannot taste her
I cannot smell her
I cannot experience her
Because they are blocking me
They are making her unknown
They are cutting off my hands
They are gouging out my eyes
They are plugging my ears
They are carving out my tongue
They are blistering my nose
There is no hope for love.
She has been lost at see for many years.
Her false lies have brought many tears.
I see her with all of my peers.
But not with me.
I would rather live a life with no money, than live a life like this
I would rather live a life with no opportunities, than to live a life with no love.
I would rather die, than live where I am right now.
I would rather die, than love them the way they show me how.
I just want you.
Why can’t you want me to?
“Car Problems are the Least of my Worries” (Chapter 1)
As the rain patters on the window, he looks out at the girl retreating to her car. He wishes that she would get in his car. But she doesn’t. There is a slight, teasing sway in her hips, showing what she’s got but he can’t have, but he knows that it is unintentional because the cause is her gait, not her attempts to seduce. He is watching her right arm swing back and forth, the scar coming into view, and then out…
There is a smile on her face as she looks at people, but she’s never smiled at him with her teeth. A closed, tight-lipped smile towards him. He doesn’t know why, but she does. It is because of boundaries. She knows that he has a girlfriend, and keeps her distance. She doesn’t want him thinking that she’s hitting on him.
The rain picks up, and she unlocks her car, stepping into it. She checks her phone. He watches her struggle and through the blur of the rain he sees her open her mouth wide in a silent scream and hit her wheel. She gets out of her car, locks it, and walks back inside. He is quiet for a moment, then looks at her shivering body.
“Is everything alright?” He asks her as she looks up at him, startled. She then relaxes and gives him that tense, close mouth smile yet again. He refrains from frowning at it.
She shrugs. “Ah, yeah, I’m alright.” She rubs her soaked arms and he looks at her with a raised brow.
She responds with a slight shiver that he takes as a chill, but she knows it was not.
“That’s a lie. What’s wrong with your car.” He states, not a question at all. He looks at her quivering whitish lips. He grunts and her eyes go wide as she takes a step back when he stands to walk towards her. He removes his sweatshirt over his head. His shirt rides up and she can see his muscular stomach. She averts her whole head and looks to the side.
“I-” Her sentence is muffled by him throwing the sweatshirt over her head. She stifles a surprised giggle and succeeds. She straightens her face as she looks questioningly up at him.
“I got kicked out of my house. There’s nothing wrong with my car, except that I can’t be wasting gas….and it won’t start.” She looks down away from him and bites her lip harshly, trying to control the tears. She blinks quickly.
His hands shoot to her shoulders and he tips her chin up to him with her finger, his handsome face twisted in concern.
“Shit.” He curses, getting lost in her wide, beautiful, blue-green eyes. They remind him of the ocean and the sea foam. “Come with me.”
She pulls herself away from this semi-stranger. “Um...what?”
“Come. With. Me.” He orders now, taking her hand gently and leading her back to the door. “Do you have all of your stuff?” He asks, and she nods in response, wanting to pull away, but also not wanting to destroy the warm contact between the two.
“Where are we going?” Her timid voice contrasts her usually bold personality and he feels for her.
“To my house.”
She pauses, and stands still for a moment. “What?”
He looks back at her. “I will give you a place to stay for the night. I can talk to my mother about the rest. Come on. You’re cold, everyone has left the building, your friends can’t afford for you to go live at their houses. I can. Just for the afternoon even and see what you think?”
She looks at him. Then down at herself. She knows he would never try anything with the likes of her. She loosely removes her hand from his grip and bites her lip. His eyes flicker to the movement then quickly back at her eyes, trying to respect her. She grins, but still doesn’t fully smile at him.
“Are you sure?” She asks, rubbing her arm.
“Of course. No doubts. We need to go now, because you’re shivering. We need to get you warm, okay?”
She nods. She follows him out into the rain but is kept dry and catches a sliver of the smell of him as she is enveloped in his sweatshirt. She nonchalantly puts the hood up and the zipper head over her nose. They quickly arrive to his car and she gets in, trying to stop shivering. How am I shivering right now? I shouldn’t be cold. I’m too fat to be cold.
He looks over at her and smiles. “Loosen up, hun. You’re too tight.” He says, not realizing the foreshadowing and innuendo. She bites her lip to stifle a smirk. He reaches over and pulls her lip out of her teeth with his thumb. She flushes red and looks down.
“Don’t try to not smile at me! What’s the deal with that?” He starts the car. He pulls out of his parking space and looks over at her briefly.
“Keep your eyes on the road!” She says, relaxing a bit. She hugs herself and he chuckles. He turns onto the main road.
He turns the radio on and looks at her questioningly. She shrugs and he changes it, turning the dial.
“You’re making me nervous. We won’t ever get to your house if you’re so distracted.” She giggles and he looks over at her, surprised at her playfulness. He puts his hands up in surrender.
“No!!!” She screams in delight as she places her hand on the wheel, steering for him. He laughs loudly. He goes to place his hands back on the steering wheel, and his right hand covers hers. She quickly pulls her hand away from the sparks and tingles. She tries to ignore them as she changes the station to 94.3. He looks at her surprised.
“You listen to this music too?” He is dumbfounded as a screaming man sounds from the speakers. She covers her mouth but her eyes light up.
“Yes, of course. Who doesn’t?” She says, rolling her eyes and making a dopey face. His heart lifts at her relaxation and willing playfulness.
She sways in her seat, and he contemplates pulling over and just watching her. But he blinks fast, trying to concentrate, telling himself that they’ll be home in ten minutes. She sings along to the music.
“Stop, drop, and drag me into place. And lock the fire escapes. I’ll break your pretty face.”
He smiles, and reddens slightly from the “cuteness overload”. Her voice is clean and airy. He thinks back to his ex-girlfriend and how she has the stereotypical “good voice”, when in reality it just sounds like she was always trying too hard.
He turns down the music one or two decibels with his wheel so he can hear her better. She doesn’t notice. She looks at him and bites her lip, trying to stop the smile from forming. His eyes catch the movement and his heart skips a beat. He reciprocates with the right side of his lip upturning in an attempt to smile. They turn down his road, and he clears his throat, now suddenly nervous. What will she think of his house?
She looks out the window, holding the sleeve in her hand except the pointer finger, drawing on his window, the pulling her hand away quickly, freezing and looking back at him.
“I’m so sorry.” She says in a voice just loud enough to hear over the music. He turns down the knob and looks at her. Flicking the blinker on, he feels puzzled.
“What- uh what’s wrong?” He asks nervously as he pulls into his drive.
“I wrote on your window. Now it’s going to show.” She seems to scrunch down into the seat. He reaches his hand out to touch her and she flinches. His heart skips a beat.
“Hey, I’m not going to hurt you. It’s just a window. I’m not going to freak out over you drawing on my window. It’s cute.” She looks down at her lap.
“Ok...” She slowly looks up at him.
“Let’s get in the house, okay?”
He gets out of the car, as it rains harder, soaking his t-shirt. He laughs. He runs over to her side, opening her door, grabbing her bag.
“Let’s go!” He yells and holds out his hand. She grabs it, at first hesitating, then tighter as he helps her out of the car. She grabs his bag, slams the door and rushes to the door. She let’s go of his hand, blushing. He doesn’t notice because the hood of his sweatshirt is up, covering half of her face.
They laugh, soaked and shaking as he opens the door to his house. He drops his stuff down, still chuckling, looking back up at her. His heart jumps.
She is laughing, jumping up and down as the hood has fallen off. She hops up and down, the bag sliding off of her arm and he gazes upon her in awe.
“Oh my gosh!” She gasps, trying to stop laughing. She doesn’t know why she’s laughing so hard. Abruptly she stops. Bringing her hand up to her heart as her chest heaves, her face drops.
“Oh my gosh...” She crumples and he stumbles after her, catching her arms in his hands and gently setting her down. She sits, slouched over, and begins to weep. Aghast, he stares at her with wide eyes. Her body shakes as she leans against him.
He doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t say anything. He just holds her. And that’s all she needs.