You get more bees with honey

that’s what they say

but bees will also sting you

and I like vinegar

i can’t remember the last time I even had honey

You know who else likes honey?

bears

thats what they say anyway

so to keep the bees and bears away

I’ll be happy to share vinegar today

Sometimes

i feel reality slipping through my fingers

there’s a person in my head

looks like me

the real me

as I see myself

this person is sometimes successful

other times, they’re being dragged away by men in white

sometimes they’re screaming at the top of their lungs

a blood-curdling scream

sometimes they’re feral

animalistic and brash

sometimes they’re dead

and when they’re dead

I’m lost and I don’t want to be alive anymore

they usually die after an outburst

and the outburst is happening now

and there’s never a comfort

only the men in white who sometimes take them away for a while

and they come back successful again

in a suit

happy

I say they because sometimes I’m a man and sometimes I’m a woman

that “inside me”, I mean

it isn’t real

but I do see it in my mind’s eye

when I lost my child

for years the men in white would hold my arms and I never stopped screaming

until they took me away and I came back

but I don’t want them to take me.

they won’t if they don’t hear the outburst

my heart is exploding

my little person is about to birth a little person of their own

so our emotions can be safe

in layers of imaginary people who express themselves within

and never without

How do I explain to you

that

my mind

has

an orgasm

every time I think of you

it feels like

pressure

deep pressure on my frontal lobe to my amygdala

and everything on the way

then

an explosion from front to back

deep and powerful

it fills my airway

and I can’t breathe

i can’t see

my eyes are swollen

it’s like

my brain exploded

and I fall asleep

always had so much to share

so much to give

and no one to give any of it to

emotional overflow and not a single recipient

what’s it all for?

No one wanted to be bothered with his every thought

journals were dead, empty pieces of paper but at least he could fill them without hearing complaints or impatient sighs

and most importantly, they couldn’t reject him

except when he read them back and was repulsed at his own words

then it was clear

he felt unwanted

As unwanted as the thoughts in his mind or more because the thoughts had come from him and he was therefore the source of undesirability

Remember the day?

you were upset

your parents were gone for the night

and I had just come by to drop off your bike

you invited me inside and told me about a game

I wasn’t amused but I played anyway

I always wish things had just stayed that way

There's a common theme, a cycle I'd like to break here

People in my life

Get so used to me doing things for them

And asking for nothing in return

Then, when I finally do ask, they treat it like an annoyance. They roll their eyes, tell me to shut up, and that I'm being dramatic.

How?

I haven't asked for anything.

And usually, when I finally do ask for something, it's respect.

And they say I'm asking too much.

Then, when I've exhausted my efforts and start to detach, they get angry

And they think that stonewalling me is the way to go

So they do that and I do what I do

I isolate myself, consider the situation, think of all the ways I'm wrong, all the ways they're right, and always end up realizing that I was never asking for too much

I was never asking for enough.

Then they whine and gripe about how I don't come around anymore

And then they gripe some more about how I discard their whining

Well, gee, I'm sorry, Mr. McGee, weren't you ignoring me?

Weren't you that "happy in solitude" person who didn't need me?

Yeah... and you will do and be all that again the moment I let you back in.

Goodbye.