I met someone new,
and I've been lingering in
the feelings I felt with you;
I try to convince myself
that this is the life I want.
That he is someone I could love.
I tell it to him, over and over,
I love you! I love you.
I love you- I love you
I don't, I won't,
and probably never will.
But he lives in a big house on a hill,
His mom is kind
when I come over for dinner.
We sit on his plaid bedsheets
and the stability is comfortable.
But it is not happiness.
I can hear it in his voice too,
trying to convince himself
I'm the only one he's ever wanted.
We lay naked on the floor
and both contemplate what it means
that we found someone
we were never looking for.
This one is.
It all feels heavy, all at once;
It comes and goes, but lately it stays a bit longer.
The fear of the unfamiliar dawns on me,
I am scared to face these infant days.
I relapse into what feels the most customary-
A small flower cup you gave me,
cradled in my hands;
One of the only things I have left of you.
Not every poem is about you, but this one is.
There are things I'd love to tell you-
How discouraging it felt to have
a job I thought I wanted, to think it would fix it all-
But it didn't. And how even my
successes feel like failures most days.
I'd love to tell you I got a promotion
At the job I only just started;
I changed rooms- I have sunlight every morning.
If we were still friends, I'd tell you about
The things I hated, things I don't hate anymore.
The taste of alcohol, sushi, coffee in the mornings.
I'd tell you about the sunroof in my car,
The tattoo that no one knows about.
I'd tell you I still love you, not knowing if I mean it.
I can't tell if I miss you or if I just miss
the feeling of not being a stranger to someone.
I’m entirely new now
A cup of coffee to start my morning off;
I never drank coffee, you would know that.
But I drown out the taste with 3 creams
And five sugars, anything to feel awake.
I'd be proud of me- if I could see past the
Nights I cry myself to sleep, drowning in tears;
Or the uncertainty of my future,
Crippling me, until I am left with few choices.
To move forward and become someone new,
Or to hold on to the parts of me you loved.
Some days I revel in the thought
That if we met again- I'd be a stranger.
Most days it doesn't feel like a bad thing.
The way you love hurts-
Deeper than any scar
I've ever healed from,
Sharper than any
knife pulled from my back.
I love you with my all,
with my heart and soul,
I have never loved anyone less,
or anyone more.
The perfect catalyst for aching;
That is why this terrifies me-
I lost so much of myself finding you,
Started from scratch, pulled a new me
From all the old pieces leftover;
I would lose it all again to keep you.
All of myself,
I've given all of myself to you.
Now I am simply begging you
to be gentle,
Hold me like I mean more than I do.
The way you love hurts-
It's more than I've felt in a long time.
The burden of being attached
I spent the whole day missing you,
Laying in bed with a heartthrob and a sore throat;
24 hours and 12 minutes since I last saw your face,
And yet it seems like all of existence
Has stopped to acknowledge your absence.
I miss you, delirious with fever, I miss you,
More than I miss the lack of pain.
You are the air I breathe,
the sun warming my skin- and this?
This is just withdrawal.
This is what it will feel like,
every time you say goodbye
The two week rebound after I broke my own heart over you
If I was still there
You'd still be biting your nails
And doing your hair how I liked,
Staring at me across the
room until I broke character;
You'd still squeeze my hand
When songs about love played,
Thinking, hoping, I was the one;
The love of your life.
And I only stayed because
I was content with being someone's somebody.
This subpar love stretched thin
Until the fibers of my skin wore down,
Until my heart was throbbing for a real love,
Something I had hardly known,
Never longed for and barely cared about.
You were my nobody,
And I was content being your everything.
A poem for the people who used to be my everything
I stopped writing poems-
Why'd I stop writing?
Does it scare me that I'll still miss who I was
When you held me close to your heart?
I have never been more content, more happy,
Yet something stirs inside me-
Begging me to ask you how you are.
Has life been treating you well?
Do you miss me?
Does the unfamiliarity of who you are without me
Scare you like it scares me?
I will never be entire without you,
Always missing the pieces
Of me you stole and kept in your back pocket.
I am not allowed to miss you,
Cannot let myself need you-
The way I have for so long.
I must let other hands fill the places
You left empty and loveless.
I hope you are well.
I hope you are happy.
And when you are lonely,
I hope you remember the smile you planted,
New joys and pains have
filled the place it once occupied.
Slowly I will become whole again,
And one day I can boast of how
I survived the end
of the only world I ever knew.
I wanted so badly
for you to be my childhood sweetheart,
Someone I had always known and loved
And known I would love;
I wanted so badly to know you
All the ways she did,
Freely, between the years of youth
Spent chasing dreams and ambitions.
I am tired now,
My head feels heavy when I wake up;
I can barely make it through half a day.
I wish I could give you the kind of love
I gave to my sophomore fixation.
I feel like I'm losing it,
Sitting in my car after work
Music loud enough to drown
Out the noise of the past week;
I still see you in everything-
A plethora of ghosts
Following my every move,
They blame me and I deserve it.
I deserve every late night
Spent staring at the ceiling,
If I stop forcing the breaths out
They might just stop coming
I sleep with your sweater on my chest
And imagine holding you slowly, carefully.
You are the best of me-
The way I laugh until it hurts,
A smile that comes out when I see you,
The softest spots of my soul.
You love the worst of me-
The way I fall too fast,
Stubborn loving, no room to breathe,
The selfish longing to be wanted,
But not too much and not too little.
You never said it,
Never admitted you cared;
Only traced the curves of my loneliness,
Held me like I was fragile and priceless and yours