Perpetual Fathers Day question...
Every year he tried to figure out why his wife had their kids make a Fathers Day card for the milkman.
I want to preface this by saying I love bread. All kinds. There is no such thing as a sandwich without bread and to not have sandwiches...well, I don't even want to imagine that world.
All that being said, I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, that the expression "this is the best thing since sliced bread" gives sliced bread a little too elevated of a status.
I'm sure people used to be pissed when they had a loaf of bread and had to just yank pieces off. I get it. No "slice" would be even, can't make a proper sandwich, etc. I'm sure that when the first loaf came sliced, people picked up their pitchforks and tried to find the witch or sorcerer that was responsible for such magic.
But now? Does it really measure up? If we cure cancer, are doctors going to be saying "curing cancer is the greatest thing since sliced bread!" When Neil Armstrong told the story of how he walked on the moon is it followed up by..coolest thing since sliced bread. I don't know...just seems a bit lacking in comparison. Even toasted bread might mean more.
It's a debate that will probably rage on now that I'm lighting that fire...I only bring the question not the answer. I AM going to go make a mean sandwich right now though...which, of course, would not be as satisfying or maybe even possible without....well, you know.
When Life tries to hand you lemons...don't take them. Never trust anyone that has a ridiculous name like "Life".
Maybe next year
My goal was to give up both comedy and procrastination for Lent but then I realized Lent had already passed.
Joke of the day
A crook and a con-man walk into a bar...wait, I started the joke wrong.
Hillary and Donald walk into a bar...
Kanye and Taylor Dinner Date
Kanye: Yo...it's your boy Yeezy.
Taylor: I know, Kanye...I am aware of who you are since you came up on stage that one time.
Kanye: Listen, I am going to let you eat but I need to say something. This filet mignon is the greatest of all time. (drops fork)
Taylor: *stunned silence*
Kanye: Did you know that President Bush doesn't like black people?
Taylor: Listen, you can be whatever you want to be in life...don't let the haters get you down. If they are hatin' you just need to shake it off.
Kanye: I made you famous.
Taylor: People are always going to try to take credit for my fame but those around me, who love me unconditionally, know that I've gotten what I deserve by working so hard. You see Selena Gomez over at that other table looking at me and crying right now? She knows. Wait...Is she eating with Justin?
Kanye: yak, yak...you going to cover the cost of this meal? I'm 53 million in debt and can't pay for it. If you won't, I'm going to hit up Mark Zuckerberg to invest in me and this meal.
Taylor: I just gave 250k to Kesha for her court cost so I am tapped. I won't get paid until I make another song about how hard teen life is even though I'm 26.
Kanye: Word...I'll call Larry Page too then...I don't care which billionaire helps me out. Peace.
Taylor: Well, this check has a blank space...so I'll write your name.
Crushing. Just crushing. 2 months of dating the most perfect girl to ever roam the face of the earth...*You're a whore!!, a whore!!*...and it doesn't look like it's going to work out. Even though I absolutely love this woman...*Whore!!!*...we can't seem to get past a few things that seemed...*WHORE!!!*....like it wouldn't be a big deal at first but now looks like there is no way to get past them. You see, my name is Jim Roberts and I am a Pastor...*You are a whore!...a whore!!*....., I am a pastor that has Tourette's Syndrome and my tic is pretty evident. It's....*WHORE!!! You are a whore!!"...it's the only tic I have and it is brought on by certain triggers.
This woman loves me but can't abide with the tic that I have...*WHORE!!!*....., the anxiety over my situation has been bringing my tic out quite a bit. The biggest issue is that she is a STRIPPER that is a VIRGIN. She, like me, believes in saving ourselves until....*Whore!!*...marriage but being in the line of work she is in makes it more...*You are a whore!!!*...difficult for her to endure my tic. For obvious reasons.
Authors note - A love story between a pastor with tourette's and a virgin stripper is just not believable. Moving on to the next project....
I googled "how do I become a morning person?" And Google came back with "did you mean things that will never happen?"
My mother was rushed to the hospital Sunday night because of severe pain and internal bleeding. This morning, after a plethora of tests over the past couple days, we found out she has cancer.
She had breast cancer 7 years ago. After a mastectomy and many rounds of radiation and chemo, she was declared cancer free. We rejoiced.
And now...we get to deal with this vile monster once again. My mom is a fighter. She'll win again. FU CANCER.
After 75 years of marriage, Alex and Francis Perea are calling it quits. Alex(94) and Francis(93) started dating when they were 17 and 16 respectively in Boise, Idaho. 5 kids, 12 grandkids and multiple great grandkids later, the couple has decided to go their separate ways. When reached for comment, Alex said he started to get an itch after their 60th wedding anniversary to see what else was out there. "I love Francis but I'm just not quite sure she is my soulmate." Francis commented that "this is a mutual decision. I need to be with someone that can win with me at bridge once in awhile and doesn't complain when it's bingo night."
Apparently, the plan had been to wait until the couple's children had all grown up and left the house but that still seems years away. "We've dropped multiple hints that you can't live with us forever but it doesn't seem to register or they think we are joking." stated Francis. Alex agreed and followed up with the interesting tidbit that he'd never owned a convertible because Francis never wanted to get her hair messed up after her afternoon sessions at the salon. "I don't even have any hair anymore but I DO want to feel the wind against my bald head while rocketing 20 MPH down the freeway." said Alex.
As this story went to press, they both stated that they would give it 10 years and if neither of them had found "The One" by then, they would look to reconcile.