Everyone is telling me that I’m not trying hard Enough, that I’m not doing Enough
Everyone is saying that there’s so much More
More to Life,
More to Experience,
More to Me.
That I’m missing out-
always missing out-
always something else I could be doing,
something Better with my Time
With my Energy.
I could be doing something Better.
So teach me.
Show me, then
Show me how.
Because without the extra help, I most honestly do not believe that I will be able to do this on my own.
tell me that I could be doing More,
Prove to me that _you_ are capable
So should I be,
And prove to me
That all of it’s my fault.
I already know.
So it’s my fault.
But if it’s really just as easy as you say,
Would you show me?
You’re a skilled climber
Please just show me? Just teach me how to climb, please, if you will
Teach me to Endure and
Teach me Strength.
Because just watching you from afar,
Blinking against the glare of the sun into the distance,
Squinting at what is now your tiny figure,
waving at me from above,
as you stand atop the mountain from the sky….
Knowing you are strong and
Seeing you’ve endured.
And hearing you call to me from the distance:
“This *could* be you, my friend!”
Fair or not.
It isn’t nearly enough.
Start to Finish
In the beginning,
I didn’t think to look to the end.
It was just that-
That ended me.
I’m doing it wrong.
I should fix it
I have always done it wrong, and
I should fix it, but
I will never stop doing it wrong.
I just want to give up,
And stop trying to fix it and
let myself keep being wrong.
fixing it is an endless task.
An insurmountable task.
And for that
I am sorry.
I didn’t ask
To be here.
I didn’t ask
To take up this space.
And all I can think-
What I can’t help but know-
I wouldn’t be able to do it wrong
I wasn’t Here in the first place.
The Electricity is gone.
The Lights are gone.
First there is Screaming-
So much Screaming.
there is Chaos.
Who’s gonna feed you if there’s no system to do it? No driving force?
Who’s gonna catch you if they can’t hunt you down?
Can’t see you?
We are but left with the daytime sun,
and at night only remain the moonlight and the stars.
When the screaming eventually stops,
And the Death is finally gone,
All the small People can seem to do
Is stare at the breathtaking Perfection of it all. Mouths agape at the vastness of the Universe,
Of the constellations,
And admit in both shock and shame:
“We buried this Beauty
with an embarrassing Replacement”
And pray the Lights stay off.
In the glimmering reflection
of the Moon
across the Water, and
dancing across our skin,
The Glow of sun beams
through the Window, and
The Twinkle in our eyes
The one place I’d explore?
I’d dig all the way down
To the bottom
I’d Stop running
As I always have…
Explore the inside of my Mind,
To untangle the Knots,
chase down loose ends.
Memorize each road,
Master how to track,
To hunt the Evil living and lurking inside
call a Truce
It falls silent,
And I’d never need
To run again.
I could finally
At long last
I’m at a loss
A loss for
All of the above.
I don’t know why it is this way
I don’t know why it gets so hard
Just to put Thoughts to Words
Words to Pen
Pen to Paper
I scavenge my mind for anything to grab onto
From a field of millions and millions of flowers
All poisonous, but few
And to carry on?
I just snatch
Beginning from the very day we're born we are consistently thrown two powerful, imperative messages.
Lessons we are meant to keep.
Keep in the forefront of our minds for every day as we live
For as long as we live.
1) Think of others. Put others before yourself. Give everything you can. You are the least important person in this room.
2) Think of yourself. Put yourself before others. Keep everything you can. You are the most important person in this room.
Putting yourself before others is selfish, until it isn't anymore.
Putting others before yourself is kind, until it isn't anymore.
And then it's unhealthy. Problematic. Toxic.
It doesn't exist.
It doesn't exist.
It doesn't exist.
They don't exist.
So what does?
We are told all our lives to fend for ourselves, or we gather it on our own, as we watch the world around us fend for themselves and learn that we must do the same to survive.
We are also told all our lives to fend for others at our own expense, or we learn it on our own, and we never know when to do which.
No one truly knows.
All we have are educated guesses.
Are we selfish for choosing ourselves?
Or are we selfless for choosing others?
Yes. No. Both. Neither.
Wanting different things than those around us makes us selfish, but their want for similarity will always makes them selfish as well.
Are we selfless to forfeit freedom to make them happy? Are they? Or do we just avoid conflict... selfishly?
Everything we do is self-driven.
We're born this way.
We're all born this way and
We spend our entire lives either fighting it or giving into it, and we battle between the two endlessly.
Fighting the voices in our heads that tell us to either do everything for others and care less about ourselves or do less for others and choose everything for ourselves.
'Selflessness' means winning a fight you're not even sure you're meant to win.
'Selfishness' means the very same.
We'll never know what's right or wrong, so it's the best we can do
To guess with every choice we make.
To pray we don't make a mistake.
It's all we can do
To strive for Balance.
Strive for Balance til' the day we die
Now and Maybe After
There’s no sworn happy ever after,
No promised silence filled with laughter
No guarantee of paradise
Of snake eyes when you roll the dice...
It’s scary, too
But you can’t ruin Now.
You can’t ruin You.
There IS a happy here, right Now
whatever moments’ love allows
Forget next century, decade, year
Remember feelings, Now, right here
Those anxious “if”s? They just don’t matter
You’re happy Now
and Maybe After.
I want to tell you that it tasted disgusting
That it tasted Vile
I want to say that I gagged on its burn
Choked on its smell
Broke in half from the painful electricity of it all.
But it didn’t taste like anything.
It didn’t smell like anything.
It didn’t feel like anything.
When she died,
I felt one thing
and I felt it as strong as I’ve ever felt anything.
Maybe even stronger.
The Nothing I felt was a Smog,
I’d never felt Nothing before.
It felt empty.
All the taste,
was sucked from the air around me
and I couldn’t get it back.
I couldn’t feel, taste, or smell even the worst of colors.
All I felt was Nothing. Only the grey- only the absence of color in my mind, in my world, in my eyes,
I felt Nothing.
It didn’t even hurt
And that hurt most of all.