I knew that falling out of love took months
but I suppose this time I was blindsided
clinging to past realities
I am content now but there lingers this pain
the pain that I don't feel the same
because you have changed.
my heart grows weak
unable to withstand all the pushes and the pulls
when you started to play the guitar on my heartstrings instead of your own.
You keep turning on me
and I no longer feel secured and loved by you
only your lingering judgment and your hesitancy.
That's not what growing old together should look like.
We do not grow weak
we grow stronger despite age
I am falling out of love because I can't hold on any longer when you give me nothing to hold on to.
They say that colouration is a collection of dirt, a stain of purity
that the mixed are monsters, a sickly stain of purity
but I refuse
I refuse to believe that your heart holds a darker shade of red when you haven't done anything but breathe the same poisoned air as me.
purity and perfection are invisible standards held to masquerade the impurity spewed
and I refuse to let it fool me from the truth that lies underneath.
How do you say hello, when goodbye is around the corner?
I am moving with my body,
but my mind has not quite caught up.
Going to school and digging holes in the air,
getting jobs that shake me with vigour and cause my skin to dance with electricity,
moving out with the ability to stretch my arms out fully without feeling their weight, without touching the sides of my confinement,
and loving someone.
I continue to run into the future,
but you hesitate and draw back into the comfort of your corner,
and so I am left loving you, left loving a wall as you melt further into the concrete until your form is unrecognizable and I can't find you, I can't find the human I love.
Does my running scare you? When I reach out my hand begging you, telling you how much I yearn for your hand to slip into mine with ease,
to kick off together, running together to the unknown,
but you refuse my hand.
So I lower it and go on, walking.
But my mind has not caught up.
It is lost wandering the maze you have trapped it in.
How do I look at you again knowing you have held back your hand and regected my proposal? How do I look you in the eyes and open my mouth when you have glued it shut out of fear of being turned away forever? How do I welcome you back when goodbye lingers on our thoughts?
To the east, I shall fall
If the sun were to rise in the west and set in the east,
I find I would want to run with it's uncoordinated direction,
propelling myself into unconventional momentum.
I do not wish to follow the way of the world as it is now,
I do not wish realism, I miss the radical romanticism that possesses my heart and trails into my work.
If snow were to rise in solid formation towards the sky
I would want to rise with it.
I wish to stand tall
These daydreams hold me in lull with the poles
but I continue to feel suspended,
gravitating towards the earth following the right not the left, clockwise not counterclockwise,
and it feels wrong my compass feels off,
the needle bent from pressure,
it seemed I have always felt off.
when I met you it changed,
for once I was being unconventional with you
and I was happy
I felt free
I felt alive
finally floating upwards
chasing those dreams even if they set in the wrong direction.
But I am sedated and the world passes me by in proper directionality
missing the feeling you gave me
missing my daydream
where I could make decisions without doubt
now doubt restrains us
grounds us to reality
switching our thrusting to pulling,
maybe it is just growing old
and making substantial decisions
but I have slowed down
and my heart beats ten beats less than before
I am faltering
my compass is wavering
But maybe looking backwards west has always been my problem.
The sun does not rise in the west.
it will not rise no matter how hard I wish the light to bask me
no matter how hard I look into the past
I will not see the future
(it won't give me life just moments).
so I suppose I must look to the east
look up to see the snow fall so that it may rise again in another form,
I've been looking in the wrong direction
the direction that has been crushing my heart
confusing my heart, my compass
and it is time
that we look forward together
to not regret what we have left behind
but rather what will come of us
what will come of how we chose to embrace the constants, the unchangeable.
what will come is up to us
it is up to me
and the direction I shall chose to take.
Slamming thoughts through straight—a message to myself
to the people who tried to shame me,
do you ever wonder if it worked?
because I spend days thinking of all the hurtful things I said
I spend days pondering what I should’ve done
or how I could’ve been better
I spend days counting the days till it will finally be over
to the people who screwed me over
do you wonder if I’m fine
for I create clocks and fixtures in my mind to hold my thoughts hostage to specific times.
I wander through alleyways of these passage-veins that circle and circle throughout my brain
i create cycles of patterns looping round and round so that I will not forget
to those who laughed
to those that left
I am one of you
one who let go of human empathy to stick to the concrete sound of melancholy memories
drifting to haunting taunts
as I screamed at those who were inferior
at those who were crazy
at those who were hurting
at the one person I truly. loved.
to those who punish themselves
who create killing karmas to punish their own actions,
the truma will soon fade to a less frequent pain
the world is a terrible place,
but you have a lifetime to improve it
to believe in yourself in others
to those people
to those people who really need to hear it
I forgive you.
to be free
to hold my own life
in my own hands
to be free
to release the stagnant possibilities
and embrace the progressing unknown
to be free
to be able to breathe
as my mind unlocks its cages
and my spirit bursts from its cocoon
to be free...
(am i finally free?)
disorientation and calculation
my breath catches in yours
as you linger in the alcoves
of my body
and etch those eyes
—those sky Blue, endless blue, eyes—
into the earthy state of mine
as I am reminded of why
breaths need't be held
but let go
as we breathe into each other's
A Days Break—extended
Anxiety attacks have become the martyr of my story
stabbing away at my sanity
clinging to my skeletons
ripping up my clarity.
But I am trying
trying to train my own hands
not to shake
but to be brave and clench the desire that lingers in my heart and
hums throughout my soul.
I am trying
to face the pain that demands my attention
as it taunts my life
with every waking moment.
I am trying...
to let go,
to control the uncontrollable by seizing its control over me.
You will not forget our passion~it’s the afterimage of the sun
bubbling into flames
scorching the sky,
we forget our names
in waves of treasure,
but leave behind the traces of who we are.
Ignorance is bliss
Slipping into the silence
she gazes on
taping her eyes open
to witness her world
c r u m b l e
so she can feel the pain
feel the agony of all she has done
and feel their cries as she cowers in her dark dark darker corner.
Her eyes burn
forced open to the toxic air
forced to sting like bleach eating away to her brain
forced to feel like dirty claws gripping at her tender flesh because she is dirty
she is nothing but a monster with so much blood on her hands.
The tears try and form but shy away
afraid of being consumed by the void around her,
so her eyes dry out like her will to fight.
but it's too much for her
too much to see
too much to bare
too much too much too much
so she blinks
and just like that the tears wash away the sheen of negativity
and allow her to see the beauty
of a lovers smile
and a mother's embrace
to see that their pain is not all they are
to see and not to see.
To know it's okay
to take a break from a one-sided reality.