"So, there we was in the woods, all by ourselves cuz our bastard-ass parents couldn't be bothered to take care of us." Hansel told the room. "I mean, what the fuck?! Aren't parents supposed to sacrifice for children instead of sacrificing the children?"
"What Hansel is trying to say," continued Gretel, "is that we were faced with the unexpected challenge of being prematurely independent."
Hansel gave his sister a weary look, but let his twin continue. They were in a therapy session, after all, so perhaps her diplomatic way of speaking was better...for the moment.
"We had kind of expected that we would be faced with such a challenge, so I brought along bread crumbs in my pocket, but alas, birds came and ate them, so we had to mature more quickly."
"Bastards!" Hansel erupted and Goldilocks giggled, looking at him slyly under her blonde lashes. He sure did have a potty mouth, but he was way cute, nonetheless. Perhaps after session, they could-
"Right," Gretel nodded, her auburn curls bouncing as she spoke and the freckles upon her crinkly nose making Jack Horner Jack Horny. "But we soldiered on until we came upon this house made of wonderful confections."
"Candy," the gingerbread man intoned, knowingly, and shuddered.
"We was hungry, of course, so we started eatin' off it. I had just started on the most delicious-ass taffy windowsill when some doctor came out of the house. Bastard started talkin' 'bout all this candy ain't good to eat at one time...Ass-hole! Why the fuck did he build the house if we wasn't to eat off it? Dumb-ass fuck!" Hansel's bottom lip curled at the memory and he ran a hand through his shoulder-length auburn hair. His nose was missing Gretel's freckles, but Rose Red still thought he was a most delicious dish to look at. Maybe after group therapy was over-
Gretel nodded and picked up the tale. She was trying very hard to impress the therapist, Peter Pan, with her soft way of speaking, but he seemed to barely be paying attention, as his eyes were on Tinkerbell, but she kept going, nonetheless.
"Well, it turned out that the doctor was actually a nutritionist and he'd built the house as a way of drumming up business. He led us inside with promises of treats that were just as delicious but better for us, nutrition-wise."
"Tofu? Fuckin' TOFU? He called that a treat?!" All heads turned as Hansel threw a chair across the room. Fortunately, Tom Thumb had stormed out earlier, so he wouldn't be missing his seat, which now sat in a broken heap in the corner.
"Hansel, please!" Gretel coughed and eyed Mr. Pan, who had finally looked up. Her brother muttered apologies and Gretel kept going, now that Peter was attentive.
"The tofu was rather bland and left much to be desired, as did the soy milk and kale, but still we gave it a try."
"And?" the big bad wolf said. "Sucked to high heaven, didn't it? I don't know why you wanted the candy so much, either, though. Meat is the way to go." He nodded and went back to eyeballing the match girl.
"You're right, Mr. Wolf; it did suck to, uh, high heaven, as you say."
"So what'd you do?" asked the frog prince. He was enraptured with the fine young storyteller and hoped his attentiveness would draw her away from that chump, Pan.
"What-choo think we did? We kilt the bastard!" Hansel smiled for the first time, as this was his favorite part of the story.
"Yes. We tricked him into climbing into the industrial-sized confection – confection with an ‘f’ - oven and then we lit him afire."
"Fortunately, our friend, Pinocchio, was able to get us off, claimin' self-defense.” Hansel nodded, satisfaction on his face.
“And then we took control of the cottage. Now, we let anyone who comes along eat to their fill. I’ve become quite the baker and am able to replace parts of the house in no time...with Hansel’s carpentry help, of course.”
“And once we’ve got’em fattened up, we sell'em a seasoning Gretel came up with that you sprinkle on your food and it helps you to lose all the weight you put on.”
“It’s called ‘Weight No More’ and is only $19.95 for an 8-ounce bottle.” Gretel smiled her most charmingly.
Session over, Hansel walked off with Goldilocks and Rose Red, the better to try his newfound Bouncy-Bounce mattress with. Gretel was saddened to see Peter still hovering over Tinkerbell, but the frog prince, Navee, whispered in her ear, telling her tales about his long tongue, and Pan was quickly forgotten.
~~~~~~ The End ~~~~~~