sometimes i want to die without actually having to .
is that really so much to ask for ?
you can put a gun to my head , and I'd say please . Shoot .
you can give me the most antagonising death ever ,
burn me alive , detach my limbs one by one ,
and I'd still say thanks .
And everyone around me is just saying
" bE pOsItiVe "
" iT's nOt ThAt haRd "
well not to be rude but
if i could be positive .
in this current moment .
wouldn't you think I'd have already tried it ?
if i could be positive .
i wouldn't be in this situation right now .
i tried it and failed .
oh so miserably .
i only dug myself deeper into a pit filled with quick sand .
the more i squirm ,
the more i get sucked in ,
the deeper i go .
i'm already at rock bottom .
my next destination is 6-feet under .
I can’t remember.
My teachers ,
they say I am lazy .
Truth is ,
I just can't seem to remember anything .
Homework .
What had been taught .
I'm at a loss here .
Please hear me out .
I'm not doing this on purpose .
Why would I want to do this .
To myself .
Just why .
It doesn't even cross my mind .
I don't forget things on purpose .
Nor can I explain why I forgot in the first place .
But know ,
this affects me more than you see .
Sometimes I forget to eat .
Sometimes I forget about sleep .
It just doesn't cross my mind .
Not once .
Not twice .
Not anytime .
I actually write on this little whiteboard of mine ,
What time I am supposed to eat .
When I should go to sleep .
Little everyday things a normal person does without question .
I write them on this board in hopes I'd remember .
It doesn't work .
The words...
they don't register .
I can stare at them ,
reading them again and again ,
but the moment I take my eyes off the board ,
there everything goes .
The letters flail in my head ,
twisting ,
turning ,
dancing with glee ,
before passing through indefinitely .
Sometimes I forget things ,
as I'm doing them .
Does that sound possible to you ?
Midway in a task ,
and you forget the task as a whole .
It's annoying really .
To the point I want to cry .
I'm really not trying to be lazy .
I just genuinely forget about everything .
But believe me when I say ,
all goes , anxiety stays .
I forget the task .
But it nicks me in the back of my mind .
It nicks me to the point I peel my nails off .
Sometimes my skin .
Often my hair .
My brain only remembers it had forgotten something .
What the thing was ?
It's a mystery in itself .
Telling my parents what I had forgotten ,
really , really , really
doesn't do anything .
At all .
It just makes my parents mad .
And me question myself more .
I don't want to be like this .
I don't think anyone willingly will .
I'm one mistake away from bringing the kid from last year back .
Don't make me bring them back .
Peace
trickling down my face .
are they tears or are they rain ?
my hair wet ,
eyes dry ,
ears numb ,
neck cold ,
nose runny ,
throat sore ,
yet ,
it was so calming .
a calm cold .
warmth from the sun ?
i hate it .
it burns .
and everyone is awake .
when everyone is asleep ,
only then my world awakes .
nobody could see if I cried .
but it’s not like anyone cared anyways .
far from everyone else ,
being close to you ,
peace it did not give ,
only anxiety ,
pain .
waterfalls ,
with me ,
will you come ?
under the stars ,
we can sit ,
the sounds of falling water ,
brings my soul real peace .
flashing before the eyes ,
our life goes ,
on replay ,
every . single . moment .
if you were to jump into the waterfall ,
would you regret it all ?
drawing .
it used to give me peace .
I could decide what I wanted to draw .
a chore it became .
still is .
they took my paper and tore it in front of my face .
singing .
it used to give me peace .
I could sing as I pleased .
scream when I pleased .
then stripped it was .
my voicebox from throat .
what else was there ?
music .
I loved playing music .
it used to give me peace .
until it became a burden ,
it became my chain .
it became a chore .
my fingers , tied they are .
their nails , i've bitten off .
somehow ,
whatever I found peaceful ,
is only a chore to me now .
How nice .
When did that happen ?
all i remember now is hate
if only i could build a universe right here .
all the world could disappear
wouldn’t notice, wouldn’t care
if I could build a universe right here
the world could disappear
Yeah ,
i just need you there .
nobody would see us .
nobody would hear us .
we could dance around like fireflies in the night .
lighting the path up as we went .
dying with a spark .
what to do ,
what should be done ,
we can decide ,
all for ourselves .
how nice would that be ?
why won't you come with me ?
i should have taken the offer when you said it
now that i'm here living without you
i realise what you meant
then again we were just kids
to think this came out of your mouth back then
mmm
how nice would it be for us to be kids again
now i've grown
whilst you've stayed the same
sorry to say this , but life's just a game .
Raindrops
” Rai..ndrops are falling on...my head ~ ”
Everything is so quiet .
” And...just like the guy whose feet are to...o big for his...bed ~ ”
Maybe it’s because it’s 3am now .
On my half of the world ,
everyone would be sleeping .
“No..thing seems...to fit ~ ”
Why
” Tho..se raindrops are fal...ling on my head , they keep...falling ~ ”
I like it .
My heart beats fast .
My mind is awake .
But I can’t help but feel a sense of peace .
Peace brought from stress .
” Beca..use I’m...free ~ ”
Standing under the rain .
Why am I outside again ?
I should be sleeping .
” Noth...ing’s wor..rying me ~ ”
That’s not true .
Everything’s worrying me .
” Rai..ndrops are falling on...my head ~ ”
This is nice .
My hair is wet .
” But that...doesn’t mean my ey..es will soon be...turn..ing red ~ ”
My eyes sting .
Am I crying ?
Or are these raindrops ?
″ Cry...ing’s not for...me ~ ”
True ,
I hate crying .
So why must my eyes still leak .
″ Cau...se I’m never gon..na stop the...rain by com..plain...ing ~ ”
*s i g h s*
” Be...cause I’m free ~ ”
No I’m not .
” Beca..use I’m fre...e ~ ”
Uhm ,
I think you got the lyrics wrong .
” Be...cause I’..m free ~ ”
Nothing’s worr-
” Becau..se I’m...free ~ ”
oh c’mon .
I said you could sing but ,
the right lyrics .
Please sing the right lyrics .
” Be...cause I’m fr..ee ~ ”
You like that sentence don’t you .
” Be...cause I’m free ~ ”
Well ,
I guess ?
” Be...cause I’m fr..ee ~ ”
You are technically dead .
I think .
” Be...cause I’m f..ree ~ ”
Are you a poltergeist ?
” Be...cause I’m fre...e ~ ”
I don’t think that’s a good answer .
” .. . .. . .. . ... .. . .. ~”
What ?
Hey , hey , hey .
No biting .
” Noth...ing’s wor..rying me ~ ”
Bad poltergeist .
Or whatever you are .
Bad .
” Noth...ing’s wor..ry...ing me ~ ”
Repeating your sentence ,
doesn’t make you any less guilty .
” . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. ... ”
Unless you are comforting me .
If so ,
proceed .
” Noth...ing’..s wor..rying m...e ~ ”
Are you serious ?
You just wanted an early morning snack huh ?
” *^* ”
Fair enough .
Soul
Which came first ?
The soul or the body ?
Like rocks ,
those are our souls .
They have a shape ,
each unique to one's own .
Carried by the wind ,
drifting in sea ,
we move ,
change .
After tumbling ,
rolling ,
day in , day out .
Souls , will they be smoothed ?
or
shitted on ,
stepped on ,
pressured ,
till they break .
Souls ,
when forced to change ,
like rocks ,
they break ,
crumble ,
and will never be the same .
You can glue the rock back together however you want .
But pieces ,
those tiny little pieces ,
pesky little fellas ,
dust if you may ,
catch them all ?
Impossible it is .
Once gone always forgotten .
You forget the person you once were .
The soul you once had .
And cracks ,
thin may they be ,
Small are they really ?
Permanently they will stay .
Slowly but surely becoming bigger .
Erosion if you may .
Scars don't just dissappear you know ?
But some rocks flower under pressure .
They turn into crystals instead .
Lucky or unlucky ,
this is the game we play .
The body ,
as complicated it may be ,
is just a mannequin ,
moldable they are ,
jelly , it may seem .
For souls to dress up in ,
'live' in ,
then rot ,
deflate .
Who can survive the longest ?
they say .
Who says ?
I don't know .
I'm not exactly thinking about this .
Do you get what I mean ?
Goodbye
don’t let go
Forever.
im sorry...
Unchanging.
you should love me
Love.
i have to
*
I thought these three words went together .
hand in hand .
blood in vein .
knife in heart .
*
Woven.
no
Into.
what?
Lies.
i said...you cannot leave
Integrity.
what are you doing
Faith.
you are not leaving
Crocodile tears.
no.. .please no
*
” Do you trust me ? ”
My answer was always yes .
Because it was you .
The one I always knew .
*
you know i love you
(they pulled out a knife)
Warning.
please don’t kill me
Red.
this is all your fault
Flags.
*
” Trust me baby... ”
I did ,
until like thin ice ,
you shattered it .
You shattered me .
*
come here
(they inch nearer)
Death.
please no
Is.
i told you not to leave
Near.
i won’t , i won’t
Save.
you tried to
Yourself.
i’ll stay now , please don’t
Murder.
die
Is.
you psychotic animal
Fun.
kneel before your master...
and die.
Loneliness
I’m never alone .
Be it demons in my head ,
Monsters under my bed ,
They always accompany me ,
asleep or awake .
I named one of them ” Ensan ”
Another ” Bethani ”
One ” Sakeih ”
Ah...I forgot the twins...
” LinMei & LunMai ”
That one hasn’t visited me in awhile...
I wonder where they went .
Am I crazy?
.
no...
I feel most alone when they are not there .
See , they were my friends ,
before I knew what the word meant .
How odd .
.
right ?
Rather than the warmth ,
of a normal human hand ,
I felt more comfort ,
more at ease ,
with a hand I could never touch ,
only see .
Maybe it’s because they never talked ,
just like me . . .
Their eyes ,
always had such a sad , angry shine to them .
They felt outcasted ,
decieved .
Maybe they needed a friend ,
just like me . . .
Their hands were always so cold ,
but ,
strangely enough ,
they emmitted warmth .
A cold warmth .
Maybe they needed a hand to hold ,
just like me . . .
They were always beside me ,
behind me ,
on top of me .
Sometimes , they were me .
Maybe they were lonely ,
just like me. . .
Sadly ,
they left me .
One by one .
back when I was seven .
Ensan was the last to leave .
(Please...)
.
hi
Looking back now ,
I realise why they left .
I was slowly being surrounded ,
with more and more humans ,
all of similar age .
(Who are.. .you?)
.
hi
I guess they thought I didn’t need them anymore .
.
.
.
I guess I thought I didn’t need them anymore .
First it became seconds ,
when I couldn’t see them .
Then it became minutes .
Then hours .
Turned to months .
And finally years .
It came to a point where I thought ,
when I actually thought
they weren’t real anymore .
Honestly ,
real to you ,
it may never seem .
But real to me ,
shall they always be .
The emotions they conveyed ,
not through words ,
but by actions alone .
(.. .hello?)
hi
You could see their words .
friends ?
You could taste them at times .
Metallic.
Ensan
Bethani
Sakeih
LinMei
LunMai
The clock striked nine
Ensan
Bethani
Sakeih
LinMei
LunMai
We are your disguise
Ensan
Bethani
Sakeih
LinMei
LunMai
Do you want to die
Ensan
Bethani
Sakeih
LinMei
LunMai
Spread your wings and fly
Ensan
Bethani
Sakeih
LinMei
LunMai
Ensan
Bethani
Sakeih
LinMei
LunMai
Ensan
Bethani
Sakeih
LinMei
LunMai
.
.
.
.
.
.
Join me in my mind?
( .. .hi.. . )
I can’t do this anymore .
What’s the point of sleeping now ,
when Anxiety haunts me worst in bed .
What’s the point in sleeping now ,
when pain awaits me when I wake .
What’s the point of sleeping now ,
when torment lies I’m my head .
What’s the point in sleeping now ,
when dreams are the cause of my dismay .
Everything is perfect there .
I’m normal .
I’m not depressed .
I didn’t chase away my friends .
I wasn’t the cause of someone’s death .
I still believed in hopes and dreams .
My parents believed in them with me .
Demons didn’t lie in my head .
Sadness didn’t lie in my bed .
I spoke truth with every word I said .
Lies didn’t exist , that was the dream I made .
Was it that much
to dream for ?
I didn’t want a house .
With people I loved ,
I just wanted a home .
I didn’t want toys ,
Someone to talk to ,
I hated being alone .
I didn’t want a phone ,
Your love and attention ,
That’s all I ever wanted .
But I guess that was too much ,
considered how it ended .
And now you question me ?
You were the one who told me I didn’t have a home .
You were the one who left me alone .
You were the one who gave me that phone .
This was more than 8 years ago .
And now what ?
Because I accepted the fact I didn’t have a home .
Because I got used to being alone .
Because I started using that phone .
I’m a weird, ungrateful kid ?
It’s called learn and adapt .
When you realise no one loved you , you give up on a home .
When you know no one wants to talk with you ,
you get used to being alone .
When you are given a phone ,
to distract you from the warm affection you seeked ,
a phone screen could be warm too ,
that was why you used it .
All I wanted to hear were two fucking words .
″ Good Job ”
Was that really so much to ask ?
You didn’t need to say it warmly ,
You didn’t even need to say it directly to me .
As long as I knew I wasn’t that useless .
Did you know ?
I wanted the first person to congragulate me for something , anything .
I wanted the person to be you .
But no .
It was some random stranger , whom I never knew .
Why did they even congragulate me ?
I had never met them before .
So why .
Why would someone I didn’t know congragulate me ,
when you never bothered to .
Did you know how much it hurt me ?
To see a kid you never met before ,
get all the praise I ever wished for ,
from you .
The competition that day ,
English if I remember .
I was the one who won it .
From categories 5 to 6 .
Individual category .
Writing category .
Comprehension and grammar category .
4 categories in total .
Or at least , the ones I signed up for .
I won them all .
I stood on stage to take the prizes ,
only to realise you were really bias .
You stood in the middle row .
Arms crossed .
Face unchanging .
I couldn’t understand you .
Then again I never did .
Wasn’t that your dream for me ?
For me to win that competition .
Wasn’t that what you wanted ?
If not , why did you look so dissappointed .
I only did what you wanted .
I won that competition solely for you .
I’m not one for standing on-stage , recieving applause .
It only creeped me out , nothing more .
I hated it .
So tell me why ,
after that whole prize-giving ceremony .
Why did you go ,
to the second prize winner ,
and congragulate them ,
all while ignoring me ,
when I tried giving you the trophy .
Why .
You told me .
Second place was only for those who settled for lesser .
So why .
Why did you congragulate them ,
but not me .
If second-place winners were as bad as you told me ,
then why did you congragulate them .
So .
From that day on I realised .
That nothing I did would ever satisfy you .
I still went on winning other competitions after that day .
Years went by .
Only for you to keep downplaying my accomplishments .
Do you know what made me break ?
The art competition .
My first and last art competition .
Do you remember how I won ?
Or...do you remember cursing my dreams right after .
No ?
Then again ,
your memory somehow always turns foggy ,
when it comes to things like this .
How about this ?
Do you remember...what my dream even was ?
It was to be an artist .
Do you remember...who gave me that dream ?
You .
Remember when you used to flood my brain ,
my heart ,
my soul ,
with all of your broken dreams ?
Remember when you made it ,
my job ,
to fufill those dreams ?
And when I did ,
you only grew more distant from me .
Why ?
I guess you must be happy now .
Since my dreams turned to ashes ,
just like yours .
Except ,
mine will never come back .
So ,
my very dear mother ,
What’s the point in sleeping now ,
when I know a better tomorrow doesn’t exist ?
Let me set some things clear to you .
You can’t control me anymore .
The strings you attached to my dreams are all but gone .
You burned them all with your bare hands .
String by string .
You should have known .
They were the only thing you could threaten me with .
The moment you burned them alive ,
you burned me .
So don’t expect your life to be easy anymore .
I’m coming for your neck .
And I have nothing to lose .
You made sure of it .
So , dear mother of mine .
Let me return you the favour .
Of birthing me .
Of raising me .
Let me return that favour .
Please and thank you .
See you in hell .
Hellos are easy .
Who are you ?
What you're getting yourself into ,
You will never know .
Are they two-faced ?
Will they hurt you ?
Hellos get easier once ,
you get the basic expressions .
Mouth , pull it's corners up gently ,
Cheeks , their muscles contracted .
They should move upwards .
Eyes , slightly closed .
That's a base for a smile .
Their mind , a minefield of thoughts ,
an arcade for dreams .
But who are you to judge them ?
All you did was say hello .
Goodbyes on the other hand ,
are the worst feeling ,
possible , imaginable .
You are saying goodbye ,
to someone you know ,
someone you knew .
To say goodbye ,
You burn a part of yourself ,
memories , be it scars .
You learn how to react to each goodbye ,
how to recieve ,
and how to give it .
I found it be easier ,
to hate someone as you let them go .
It's like an excuse .
" I hated them because _ , therefore I can let them go without guilt . "
It's something like telling yourself ,
" No , this wasn't the person I knew . "
when all the while you were the one who changed ,
as everyone stayed the same . . .
Hellos take practise ,
Goodbyes , experience .
I don't know how to explain this but ,
hellos are easy , because said person is unknown .
goodbyes are easy , when you make them unknown .