One year ago I was contemplating...

Everything.

Time has flown by, and a year feels like a month.

But so much has changed.

I’m stronger without you, like I said I would be. I had moments of sheer panic, distress, loneliness and I constantly second guessed my decision to make you leave.

One year later my head is stronger, my heart beats faster, my stomach feels butterflies again, my skin glows, my smile tells a happy story, my eyes look to the future.

I am okay, just like I said I would be. Even though then I didn’t know if I would be or not. I am more than okay- I’m thriving.

Thanks for not fighting for me, you would’ve kept this butterfly in a cocoon.

Hearts break, tears fall, people leave

Hearts heal, tears still fall, people stay

You’re hurt now, but you’ll get stronger

Cliches ring true:

•what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

•this too shall pass

Minutes pass and the pain stings a little less

Sing a song. Don’t care if anyone hears you-

Dance to the beat. If they’re looking it’s because they wanna dance too.

Kiss the boy. Make his night. Feel his skin.

Laugh loud. Show your smile.

Wear the short dress, your legs won’t always look like they do right now.

Let your hair down. Be thankful you have it.

Live your truth and show the world who you are, let your soul shine and don’t give any fucks.

Protect your heart, but don’t hoard it.

Girl, be brave.

Don't say these words unless you mean them, I'll give you one chance to take them back.

Don't say that to me unless you intend to stand by it, one more chance? Take it back.

It's too late the damage is done. Your words stained in my memory.

I'm already damaged and broken and not yet capable of healing.

You said you would protect my fragility, yet you shattered it even more.

You said we could be broken together.

Now I feel like I'm broken forever.

#heartbreak #damage #love #poetry #freeverse #pain

I cried every tear until my eyes burned

I wailed every scream I had until my throat stung

I rocked back and forth until my head throbbed

I blinked and my world changed

I rocked and prayed it was a dream

It wasn't a dream

I cry more, I scream louder, I pace now. I ask the universe what it wants from me. I get no answers, only more demands from the earth that my feet stomp on.

The wind sweeps around me. Surrender.

#poetry #freeverse #life

First

Fresh

New

Beginnings

Starting

Over

Clean

Alone

Alive

Refreshed

Again

Rinse

Repeat

Forgive

But Don't Forget

#Thankful

Standing on my own two feet, without the clutch of your "support".

Free from the toxins you omitted into my air.

Breahting again.

Head on my shoulders.

Heart bleeding in my chest.

Brain on fire.

Exploring what it means to be separate of another person.

Learning to feel the earth under my body.

Finding the strength that was in me all along.

Exhiliration. Freedom. Release.

My legs get steadier by the day.

Watch me walk away, like a boss.

#relationships #freeverse #life #codependency #independence

Long time, no write. I celebrated/mourned my 34st birthday a few days ago. A lot has happened in my world, which has distracted me from the world of words that helps sustain my mental health and happiness. In the past four months I seperated from my husband of 10 years, my baby brother went to prison for two years for negligent homicide, I started a new "adult" career that has an actual pay check, I moved into a home by myself (without a man) for the first time ever, and I am suddenly a single mom to a teenager. My time to express my words is limited and blocked by a wall of emotions I'm not sure how to even express- but it looks like I'm at the first step. Baby steps?

I never expected to be single again, not in my 30's. I never expected the person I love more than anyone in the world would disappear into the abyss during the most difficult days without a word and not care to look back. I never imagined a world in which my baby brother is locked in a cage. I never imagined watching my child cry at losing both of these valuable male role models in the same period of time. I never imagined having the job I have and liking it. I never imagined living through this type of hell- yet I'm alive.

Happy Fucking Birthday to me. May 34 bring new life, love, adventure and freedom. May I learn to forgive those who've wronged me and limit my wrong doings, so I don't inflict the pain I'm experiencing on otthers. May I use the lessons life has taught me to ease the burden life throws at another.

I have seen the best in humans, and I've seen the very worst in humans. I choose to believe that the good in humans will collectively outweigh the bad. Everyone can't be THAT bad, can they? No.

My story is getting stronger, and my tale a little longer and a little taller. A little bloodier, and a little satlier. My heart a little colder, my brain a little wiser.

Watch out world, because thirty-four will be the year I burn you down.

Guilt is a dangerous thing to the soul

It sits in your gut like bad food

Turning and sending waves of pain

Wrong feels right in the moment

Just like an earthquake

The initial shock, brief but brutal

But it's the aftermath that you assess the damage

There are some things you can never take back. Better stop before the train derails.

Life is a delicate clusterfuck of balancing

Who I once was

Who I am now 

and

Who I want to be

all while realizing I'm always the same.

•don't take yourself too seriously

•don't love a narcissist

•fall in love a lot, with as many people as you possibly can

•follow your dreams, even if they're impossible in the eyes of others

•quit your job if you hate it

•don't be afraid to tell someone to fuck off

•mistakes are only lessons for your future

•if you don't like kids, don't have babies.

•tell him to pull out (see above)

•never cave when you know you're right

•always fight the man

•doctors are not gods, do not treat them as such

•sex isn't bad, or a sin. Enjoy the shit out of sex.

•don't let a man finish before you do (see above)

•don't play head games with other people, and leave anyone playing head games with you

•love your body, you only get one. It's beautiful.

•music and words are the cure for any sad moment

•there is no such thing as a normal family

•let that shit go

•marijuana isn't a drug

•all people bleed the same color

•cops are mostly bad

•never be a snitch

•don't be a judgmental asshole

•be nice to animals and nature

•sleep naked

•dance in the rain

•roll the windows down

•turn the radio up

•love thy motherfucking neighbors even if they don't love you

•adopt animals

•don't follow the rules