My dream job, when I grow up, is to be a . . .
full-time barista at Starbucks, and since I’m only sixteen, I won’t be needing their health insurance cuz’ I hardly ever get sick, unless I eat too much mayonnaise, straight from the wide mouth jar. This should push me to the front of the line because I will be saving the corporation hundreds of dollars a year for their sub-par health insurance.
My mom says I have an excellent memory; it’s almost photographic because it’s in black & white and not color. Right out of the gate, I've got that going for me, which is good cuz' I’m going to learn all 87,000 different drink combinations so I can make them without hesitation; well, maybe half-a-hesitation.
My Mom says I have a 24/7 cheery demeanor, which makes me extremely easy to live with, as long as I stay in my room, which I do most of my waking hours unless I’m in school or at the mall, or the movies, or the amusement park, Starbucks, Yamba Juice or Subway. That litter personality quirk is going on the first line of my resume right after my educational history.
My goal is to become a supervisor of a local store and then a regional manager of a small chain of Starbucks; probably not more than ten.
My Mom says when I put my mind to doing something, I can usually do it, if I really want to do it, and without having somebody tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it. That’s how I learned to play the piano on my own. It took over seven years but now I’m really good. I can play the love song from “Frozen” with both hands and I’m so fast, I don’t need help turning the pages of the sheet music.
Yesterday I was surfing the Starbucks website when I discovered any employee, even the ones that mostly sweep up, take out the trash and clean the bathrooms and replace the empty toilet paper rolls, can send their suggestions to the big corporate guys that own the company and live in big houses in Seattle and drive nice cars.
I read that for every legitimate suggestion sent in, those guys will personally send you a coupon for a free tall cup of the coffee of your choice. If they actually use your suggestion, then they give you half a day off with pay and a little trophy with your name on it; the kind I got for coming in 4th place in the last day of school sack race.
My first suggestion will be: A combination comfort station/coffee annex for overflow crowds. Every time the order line has more than ten people, a 2nd Starbucks Annex will be available in the men’s bathroom. It will be open to both men and women when no one is going potty. It will be staffed on a part time basis by the employees that mostly sweep up, take out the trash and clean the bathrooms and replace the empty toilet paper rolls.
The actual toilet time, per each legitimate customer, will be ninety seconds so more coffee can be sold. In addition to offering specialty coffees from around the world, the annex will also serve freshly baked pastries, Italian pannini sandwiches and soups, as well as the usual Starbucks rest room's custom selection of toilet paper and soap. (but not in large quantities like you get at Costco)
I will also have a lounge area near the bathroom with hand carved signs that say: “The Land of Coffee”, for those legitimate customers waiting to use the rest rooms. They can can sit and relax, or stand and listen to live acoustic music and poetry readings on Sunday’s by non-professional musicians and poets. If they can’t hold it any longer and just have gotta’ go, real bad, they will be encouraged to use the facilities next door at Jamba Juice or Subway. Just don’t tell them you are part of the toilet overflow crowd from the Starbucks Coffee annex.
Since Starbuck restrooms are 35% larger than Walmart’s, this extra space will be used to store: extra stir sticks, napkins, giant cases of artificial sweeteners,(like you can buy at Costco) and those fancy specialty gift cups with the STARBUCK LOGO that sell for twenty-five bucks and up, which I think is a rip off because you can get ten of them for twenty bucks at Costco.
If the rest room annex stations become popular, which I expect they will, I will suggest they add a secondary annex along the corridor leading from the main seating area to the rest rooms.
When I meet a barrista I like the smell of, and I want to spend the rest of my life with, I plan on getting married in the outdoor Starbucks Chapel and Courtyard, which will be another of my suggestions. I have already written the slogan: “Come for the wedding, stay for the coffee.” I’ve also included that near the top of my resume, right after my list of hobbies.
I also plan to suggest that Starbucks include a Starbucks Bank annex in every store so their loyal customers who shop at Starbucks can finance a year's worth of coffee, with low interest rates, no matter how bad their credit rating. They just have to sign an affidavit stating they will never sue Starbucks if any part of their body is scalded from ordering extra hot coffee.
I’m also suggesting the use of extra large tip jars which will mean more money to be divided amongst the workers and the supervisors and the corporate CEO”s who live in Seattle in big fancy houses and drive those nice cars.
I like soda and so I'm gonna' have the company invent a bottled coffee-cola-chocolate hybrid that will be sold as a “drinkable dessert”.
I can’t wait till I’m eighteen when I can apply for a Starbucks job. My mom also says when I turn eighteen, I can start drinking coffee.
"Live long and enjoy the prosperous coffee business and may the froth be with you."