‘It’ helped me see
A person who wronged me.
Recoganized as my frenemy.
Many back and forth we had shared.
Until a time came neither did care.
Only thing that did make sense.
Hurting one another
Even if it wasnt fair.
And so came a day i woke up in my sleep
wanting this anger to be free.
Hovering over my bed and into space
Unfazed...
Unfazed by the city lights
Or the gleaming trees.
I rose high till i could see .
The house of my enemy.
And straight i flew in line
Towards that brick chimney.
Passing through the roof and into his room.
I see him sleeping peacefully.
The anger starting to rise.
As i am remebering all the times.
But something caught my eye.
A bright white smile lurking
Behind the window
Behind the tree.
Something shining in the dark.
I see a reflection in that silver steel.
As i squint to see , i can make a face
With steel clenched to its teeth.
a mad psycho smile,
i can feel its madness
Pierce Into me
It feels like that mind
Had long outgrown the
Anger which is inside me.
Beyond no return,
I feel it staring at my enemy.
I look toward him lying asleep
For a second i feel at ease,
This may be the end of my enemy...
But i look back at this thing now leaping from the tree.
Its cold hand lifting the wooden sill.
I am uncomfotable by what i see.
In it i see the worst of me.
Forever trapped in that mind..
Have i gone too far?
I look back at my enemy
Still asleep.
A wooden creak,
I turn to see its foot halfway through the window onto the wooden floor.
Cold shivers running up my spine.
What will happen next?
Shouldnt i be afraid?
But im watching this whole thing unfold in surprise.
And now it just walks past me
its eyes darting toward my enemy feet.
It loosened its clench on the silver.
Now holding it in his finger.
The scene is set
Im clear now of the eventuality.
But i feel frozen in my mind.
A cold shiver that called
Moral dilemma is growing inside
The time slows down to a stop,
I see it lower its silver.
One deep breath before the final stop.
In that instant,
I see a burst of pictures
In my mind.
I see a story unfold
Once a friend , once a frenemy.
All the memories of a distant past
It feels so long ago.
*I see the psycho raising that knife*
In that moment i feel something weird inside. Something thats hard to describe.
Logic seems to break down.
"It feels selfish to save his life."
"It doesnt feel right to intervene."
But a thought keeps pestering me inside.
Everything seems aligned to take his life
"So Do i matter?"
Clarity is brought to light.
As the voice is spoked aloud in my mind.
And the truth of this anger unveils.
The first time it was brought to life.
Calling me weak.
Calling me powerless.
All his action wanting me to feel that way inside.
How fitting an end would it be? If he saw me do nothing as he is killed by this pycho .
But then he would be right.
I coudnt do anything.
How can i let that be?
And so in that moment.
A shockbolt rushed through my mind. I forgive him. I forgive me. It was as simple as that. I had proved my point.
Time unpaused and i ran and leaped onto the bed.
Staring down the psycho with its dagger point down towards his head
A final staredown! I lock my eyes.
I see him perplexed by what he sees. Long gone in his mind.
He began to speak.
"I recoganize you.
I killed You many times over.
And yet you appear in front of me again even after all this time"
He lowers his steel, calming his hand.
Changed in his mind he takes a step back.
Uncertain if his mind will change again.
Its me who is now afraid.
For instead of a ghost he thinks its his schizophrenia kicking inside.
As i look to him, i get up on my knees and walk towards the other side of the room. Just to be sure if he has lost me with his imagination.
I see it follow behind ..
The psycho begins to speak.
Conversating.
It trying to free itself from the consciousness it once had been.
Killing himself everytime
So He can pretend it doesnt exist.
Did time reveal to him what it had lost?
I feel sorry, it cant smell or feel the memory of for what once it had been.
No visions no clarity,
All seem but a curse to him.
For in ending himself he is convinced it Was never real.
And so he strikes his knife at the ghost he sees.
Flaying that silver into me.
A Fog that only he sees.
Fighting against nothing.
A psycho man at his peak.
I understand it now. And just easily bored as i was excited about finding out his mystery that eluded me.
I decide its time to leave.
Knowing my work here was done.
I see him put his silver to rest. Convinced he has put himself to a final sleep.
A reset button Till the conscience resurfaces.....
In an instant i see myself sucked back ,
A tunnel of time being retraced.
My body being pulled back to the bed.
I am laid to rest...
The phone alarm rings.
I open my eyes.
Feeling the vibration humming in my ears.
I pick up my phone.
new day awaits...
A notification well recieved,
a post of my frenemy sharing and being what he had always been.
And next to it a new friend request....
If i woke up to super mind powers I’d still end up as me
Being away from any limitation is helping me really see.
a computer with all the information to read.
Today i see it all, i hear it all.
Starting to observe the pointless conversation and repeats.
Which i am trying to eliminate with the powers i wield.
slowly turning to what i think destiny planned for me.
Far from the conversation one may humanly feel.
pointless rationality.....
(MONTHS PASS exploring these powers)
Am i meant to be a robot?
that can't be.
i remember a yesterday's me.
So, i keep telling myself.
The world still a mystery to me.
Any other direction and my mind is no longer at ease.
Of what use is this power. money and fame....
is that all to this life.
That can't be....
So, I keep telling myself.
The world still a mystery to me.
All I need to do i remember how used to feel.
All the answers right in front of me,
It's funny how the mind can have all the answers
and still not be at ease.
I once knew a life lived for tomorrow.
But what is tomorrow when all the answers are seen?
Virus of the ego that cultivated with this growth.
I know it all and I'm bored.
any direction i take i see the ending of it all unfold.
Its total boredom, and i wish to see something new.
All a viscous circle of feeding the self-ego.
Now it's a curse. i wish to forever unsee.
All so i can feel that excitement of the first time.
but that can be. A positive outlook is what will help me be.
(MONTHS PASS)
This world still a mystery to me.
So, i keep telling myself.
Searching for way of life, that can guide me.
Got a vision how i envision life to be.
A story with no ending.
open ended to possibilities that i can't see.
Only living in the moment as i feel.
A story that writes itself along the way
i look around i see everything,
but why its there? i can never really comprehend.
All a symphony of reason, connecting all the things i see.
This is the real power, but what use is it if i am not able to wield.
The world still a mystery to me.
A question that sparks my intrigue.
Am i alive? or is it a fantasy?
And that's the truth and start of everything i know and believe?
A magical world... just the spark i need.
I can feel again.
This what i believe destiny had in store for me.
To Find that perfect Harmony.
A symphony of reason and feeling.
(MONTHS PASS)
I walk out the door and come across people.
This time willing going into the cycle of repeats,
i see it all and i hear it all. But nothing i desire from it anymore.
All that's running in my mind. What can i do to make them smile?
My powers a secret, and a clown is what i am being perceived at.
a version of me far away from the truth they can ever comprehend or feel.
A clown with a cape, a flow in the randomness that only a few can perceive.
But that all fine. I'm happy knowing i found my peace.
bowing down in humility. For its feeling that opens the world to unexpected
And imaginary. I'm in love all over again.
This world is indeed a mystery.
If only one knew you didn't need eyes to see.
I dreaded existence before. I dont know what to make of it now
PART I
"I had lived my entire life trying to make sense and meaning of my existence. Everything always just felt boring and mundane. Nothing too exciting nothing so special. Perhaps the search was my escape from feeling that way and hence, the need for seeking meaning.
Despite my best of attempts in trying to figure out this puzzle i never really found an answer. All that was ever experienced was unwinding of my brain cells to look at the same question through different lens. Something just enough to keep myself entertained till the boredom kicked in and it was back to the same process. I had spent a large portion of my life living this way.
I think maybe the answer is not really in knowing everything but in experiencing everything. "
This was me yesterday comforting myself through a self talking session . I had gone to a friends wedding and had caught up with a lot of people i hadnt seen in a very long time. Which had gotten me very anxious about how i am being percieved by them. " Am i this 29 year old out of shape man who hasnt dont much with his life and just went on about his imaginary adventures that didnt seem to benefit the world or him for that matter? Because i still drive that old car and lives in that same old house?"
That anxiety somehow continued its way through the drive home and into my bedroom where i had to talk myself into a story that made me feel good. Thats how i usually go to sleep when i find myself anxious about something. And i would wake up the next morning to a new day and a new start. Till the cycle repeated itself
But today something weird had happened. i woke up to a strange dream. I dont remember exactly what it was but it felt like this bright warm light just entering my body. And i just started sweating profusely after that. I woke up drenched and wanting to take a cold shower.
And this is where things started to get wierd. As i walked into the bathroom undressing myself i noticed muscles on my body i had only dreamed of before. Ecstatic and excited i just started admiring myself for a good time. I am pretty sure this has got to be dream. After a good cold shower i walk out without a towel. Why need to cover myself now? I walk straight to my dresser and reach out for those old unworn clothes that i once bought with the intention to wear them someday. I surprisingly fit in every cloth i want to try. Its almost like i look exactly how i want to look like in my imagination of it. This has got to be a dream! But i dont want to pinch myself, i want to see where this dream will go.
Next up i get dressed and go downstair to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast. I know exactly what i have to do. Pick up 2 eggs , crack em open and go about scrambling them. As i begin to fry them i start to crave for pancake with maple syrup. I start to smell it immediately. My imagination feels so vivid. I close my eyes and i can see the caramel colored syrup flowing down those warm flufgy pancakes. Its almost as though......
Its right in front of me?
I open my eyes and see it right on the table next to the stove. Its exactly how i imagined it to be. At this point im just delighted and greatful. And im convinced believe that thus is a dream. So why not enjoy it?
i just play along to see what more can i expereince. I finish up in the dining room. And prepare myself mentally to head to work. But its a dream. Why do i have to go to work? Shouldnt i just take a day off? I pause and look around wondering what is really happening right now. So i decide to just go with whatever feels right . i pick up my car keys and walk straight up to the front door. I am soo used to doing this daily. I know exactly where the keys are placed. The exact sound the door makes when it creaks as i open and closes, i can actually hum it to a tune. I exit outside and walk towards onto my patio and straight upto where my car is parked. My door unlocker button never usually works but today i feel lucky. And lo behold, it works today. I twist and turn my keys for ignition and start my car. It starts straight up. But i remember i had to fill petrol from last night. As i drive on the highway towards the station. I find myself playing my favourite song. I never felt so happy. And its starting to feel soo real like maybe this isnt a dream. How can a dream be so vivid? And how can i notice soo much of details?
Whilst pondering on this thought i hit the first redlight on the route. A fancy car with a beautiful woman just stops right beside mine. As we are waiting on the light to go green i feel this strange sound inside my mind. At first i thought it was just me imagining something but as i paid closer attention i started to hear actual words . I look at the woman in the car beside and she makes eye contact. Then like a loud thump i hear an actual sentance. "What a weirdo!"
That just leaves me very confused what is happening. As i stare at her i can begin to hear exactly what her reaction to me is. I hear her first impression about me. It is a very wierd situation. i am curious to explore but at the same time i am actively aware how i am being exactly percieved. I had to look the other way as i dont hear how me having a prolonged eyecontact has passed the stage of normal. As i look at the redlight waiting for it to turn green, i can hear her now draw up an image of me. "This weirdo drives this old car, he doesnt seem like the person i would be comfortable, no matter how he looks."
This makes me wonder what would she have thought of me if i had driven another car? As i drove to petrol station i started to imagine myself in a ferarri. I imagine it in great detail, the feeling of it, the leather seating, the steering wheel, the speedometer going from 0 to 100. Everything that i can possibly imagine. For some reason i was able to even think of details i hD never thought about before. I never knew what torque or horse power really was but now i am able to draw the entire engine without actually ever having seen one before. This has to be a dream... i park my car at the gas station and get out to fill in the fuel. As i open the gas tank i start to panic, i am not really driving my actual car. Its the car i was imagining a minute ago.
I am now overwhelmed with contradicting thoughts. Did i accidentally drive someone else's car
I dreaded existence before. I dont know what to make of it now
PART I
"I had lived my entire life trying to make sense and meaning of my existence. Everything always just felt boring and mundane. Nothing too exciting nothing so special. Perhaps the search was my escape from feeling that way and hence, the need for seeking meaning.
Despite my best of attempts in trying to figure out this puzzle i never really found an answer. All that was ever experienced was unwinding of my brain cells to look at the same question through different lens. Something just enough to keep myself entertained till the boredom kicked in and it was back to the same process. I had spent a large portion of my life living this way.
I think maybe the answer is not really in knowing everything but in experiencing everything. "
This was me yesterday comforting myself through a self talking session . I had gone to a friends wedding and had caught up with a lot of people i hadnt seen in a very long time. Which had gotten me very anxious about how i am being percieved by them. " Am i this 29 year old out of shape man who hasnt dont much with his life and just went on about his imaginary adventures that didnt seem to benefit the world or him for that matter? Because i still drive that old car and lives in that same old house?"
That anxiety somehow continued its way through the drive home and into my bedroom where i had to talk myself into a story that made me feel good. Thats how i usually go to sleep when i find myself anxious about something. And i would wake up the next morning to a new day and a new start. Till the cycle repeated itself
But today something weird had happened. i woke up to a strange dream. I dont remember exactly what it was but it felt like this bright warm light just entering my body. And i just started sweating profusely after that. I woke up drenched and wanting to take a cold shower.
And this is where things started to get wierd. As i walked into the bathroom undressing myself i noticed muscles on my body i had only dreamed of before. Ecstatic and excited i just started admiring myself for a good time. I am pretty sure this has got to be dream. After a good cold shower i walk out without a towel. Why need to cover myself now? I walk straight to my dresser and reach out for those old unworn clothes that i once bought with the intention to wear them someday. I surprisingly fit in every cloth i want to try. Its almost like i look exactly how i want to look like in my imagination of it. This has got to be a dream! But i dont want to pinch myself, i want to see where this dream will go.
Next up i get dressed and go downstair to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast. I know exactly what i have to do. Pick up 2 eggs , crack em open and go about scrambling them. As i begin to fry them i start to crave for pancake with maple syrup. I start to smell it immediately. My imagination feels so vivid. I close my eyes and i can see the caramel colored syrup flowing down those warm flufgy pancakes. Its almost as though......
Its right in front of me?
I open my eyes and see it right on the table next to the stove. Its exactly how i imagined it to be. At this point im just delighted and greatful. And im convinced believe that thus is a dream. So why not enjoy it?
i just play along to see what more can i expereince. I finish up in the dining room. And prepare myself mentally to head to work. But its a dream. Why do i have to go to work? Shouldnt i just take a day off? I pause and look around wondering what is really happening right now. So i decide to just go with whatever feels right . i pick up my car keys and walk straight up to the front door. I am soo used to doing this daily. I know exactly where the keys are placed. The exact sound the door makes when it creaks as i open and closes, i can actually hum it to a tune. I exit outside and walk towards onto my patio and straight upto where my car is parked. My door unlocker button never usually works but today i feel lucky. And lo behold, it works today. I twist and turn my keys for ignition and start my car. It starts straight up. But i remember i had to fill petrol from last night. As i drive on the highway towards the station. I find myself playing my favourite song. I never felt so happy. And its starting to feel soo real like maybe this isnt a dream. How can a dream be so vivid? And how can i notice soo much of details?
Whilst pondering on this thought i hit the first redlight on the route. A fancy car with a beautiful woman just stops right beside mine. As we are waiting on the light to go green i feel this strange sound inside my mind. At first i thought it was just me imagining something but as i paid closer attention i started to hear actual words . I look at the woman in the car beside and she makes eye contact. Then like a loud thump i hear an actual sentance. "What a weirdo!"
That just leaves me very confused what is happening. As i stare at her i can begin to hear exactly what her reaction to me is. I hear her first impression about me. It is a very wierd situation. i am curious to explore but at the same time i am actively aware how i am being exactly percieved. I had to look the other way as i dont hear how me having a prolonged eyecontact has passed the stage of normal. As i look at the redlight waiting for it to turn green, i can hear her now draw up an image of me. "This weirdo drives this old car, he doesnt seem like the person i would be comfortable, no matter how he looks."
This makes me wonder what would she have thought of me if i had driven another car? As i drove to petrol station i started to imagine myself in a ferarri. I imagine it in great detail, the feeling of it, the leather seating, the steering wheel, the speedometer going from 0 to 100. Everything that i can possibly imagine. For some reason i was able to even think of details i hD never thought about before. I never knew what torque or horse power really was but now i am able to draw the entire engine without actually ever having seen one before. This has to be a dream... i park my car at the gas station and get out to fill in the fuel. As i open the gas tank i start to panic, i am not really driving my actual car. Its the car i was imagining a minute ago.
I am now overwhelmed with contradicting thoughts. Did i accidentally drive someone else's car
Only for today
Today is one of those day where everything just pulls you down.
the day doesn't go the way you expect it.
you meet someone but you can express yourself.
you feel mellow inside and cant explain why.
all you can say for sure is somethings missing.
You drive your car and just want to keep driving
Because you hope the songs will answer this feeling.
its only today, and its okay.
I get home and i ask why? what can i do to about this feeling inside.
The sadness has this lull that i can't escape.
i switch off the light and lie on my bed.
seeing the world of my memories.
poking at everything that makes me sad.
I'm missing something and i can't explian why.
I want to feel the absolute low to figure it out.
My darkness reveals the scars,
My sadness touches the heart.
And my tears tell me im human.
it all comes back.....
i find myself transported in time
repeating this story in my mind.
"one day i will reach that place.
A happiness so great that i will be willing to forgive myself
for going through that place."
Today i just want to feel a bit more of this sadness inside.
its a world real to me albeit imaginary.
But right now the only place i can see my dreams come alive.
the one that tells me i'll be meeting her someday.
that i am the person i wish to become.
Now i can see her in my arm, it is a pleasure to be around her.
her smile, her skin, the sunlight and the wind.
This sensation that i feel inside.
I have yet to find her in real life.
The one whom i am already in love.
And i dont want to leave now.
The stubborness of the kid inside
i guess this is what heaven must be like.
You dream something and it comes alive
its only today and its okay....
Cuz you need this day. One day it will all make sense when you reach that place.
working everyday doing the grind.
I forgot there was a human inside.
the reason for my why.
i needed today to see my true self .
Its been a long time since i felt myself inside.
Tomorrow i'll be prepared.
And the day after i will hope to meet her.
but for now i just got to keep patient.
work on being the best i can be.
the best story i can make of my life.
Facing Anxiety
I have been tumbling down into darkness for a some time. Not days or weeks or months but for many years. When i first tumbled. I never wanted to accept it. I thought i could outsmart my feelings. Along that route, there came a time where i found myself gasping for air, unable to breath, doubting the entirety of my existance. But even then, despite every inch of my soul rejecting this madness, i just couldn't accept that this was happening.
I would try to outsmart it by distorting it in a book. By breaking the world in front of me into small pieces of "realities". a simple task like walking down the street would became about me jumping between realities. Endless and agonizing. And yet i still didn't yield. My reluctance to accept the truth found its way to surrendering to a delusional cause.
And when the time came of acceptance of truth, i had strayed to far to recoganize myself. Thus i planned my escape from who i had become. Endlessly i walked, searching for something of which i had no clue. Some told me to never think, some told me to just pretend..... That was me many years ago. That was a time i stumbled steep in the darkness.
Many years later, that is me in the present. Writing for myself. All i do is think,
"what is truth and what is good?
How can i get to the place where i should? "
Up until today i went along that tune, the identity, the idea i created for myself.
But something happened today that has prompted me to share.
I began to notice something inside that i have been hiding from myself for quite a while . The madness in me and its limitation, which i have reached. The madness being the need to perfectly make sense, the perfect world of truth and wonder. And limition being myself. Let me explain.
In all those years of being nothing and drowning in a sea of uncertainity. I had been so deprieved of this idea of having a self that i would jump aboard any ship that passed nearby. I was the embodyment of the thought that whizzed pass by. So many identies in one life- a friend, an enemy, a preacher, a liar, a worker, an architect, a devil etc. Too stupid to have made sense of it back then. Only experience is what i can tell. "Togeather they never worked, And alone they would never last! "
Only path through was the path of truth. Truth of existance, truth of life. things that would always be. A sort of mould that would never break, one in which i could freely stay. And thats what brought me to the habit of writing. Thinking what is true? is there a true world that i don't see? How do i get there? the motivation to always seek.
It is only recently i am flung into doubt over reaching where i want to be. I cannot make sense of this disruption. Out of nowhere it has entered my seemingly happy life, blemishing that which i sought hard to create. The experience went something like this-
"Impatience began to rise, and writing in the book turned into this task executed with the bashfulness of a madman. I became Forceful and disrespectful of the truth, something i never thought i would ever do. I felt unable to see and realize what was happening to me and what i was doing,"
What can this be?
Only thing i can reason is that something within want me to loosen my grip of this created identity. i.e The man with the book, searching for truth. It wants me to accept and confront the real anxiety.
No longer do i think it was about good over evil but rather of choosing truth over everything else. Hope this feeling is right!
The Grass field
Entered as kids you and i.
The world so green and true.
Amazed by a world undiscovered,
awaiting to be explored.
Those adventures and dreams.
Smiling we played with the clouds.
All whilst we layed there.
Never thought i would fear mystery.
nothing made sense when you disappeared.
Entered as kids you and i , but i remained.
Though you still lie there under the sky.
I yearn for the moment to someday come by.
Where misery of mystery once again,
will be replaced with dreams and highs.
Till then i can only wish.
-R.I.P-