That moment

So magical

When you said those words:

“I love you.”

The sentence I have been yearning for - for seven months

With the side of your head on your pillow in your pitch black room.

Those words that you said

In the silence and darkness

Lighted up my whole world, mending my heart

With a newfound hope and a revitalizing love

My tears stopped, but then new tears arose

Out of happiness, of course

And through the blurriness, I saw your smile... and I saw my future

The embodiment of my happiness

The center of all my thoughts

I know I sound obsessive, but I can't help it.

It's because

I love you.

You are my favorite sight.

With your long, blonde hair and blue eyes

Your red beard and dark brown chest hair peeking out of your shirt

That crooked smile and perfect lips

You are the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever seen.

You are my favorite smell.

No words can fully explain how you smell

But, to me, you smell like home. I could cuddle with you and smell you forever.

Like peace, love, hope, and all of the above

You are the sweetest scent my nose has ever smelled.

You are my favorite sound.

With your soft voice - the one that mumbles when you're drunk and half asleep

That maniacal laugh when you make fun of me

Your country accent and hillbilly lingo

You are the most delightful sound my ears have ever heard.

You are my favorite taste.

When your lips intertwine with mine

And you kiss me all over

I long for the taste of you, so I kiss you until my lips become numb

You are the most satisfying taste my lips have ever tasted.

You are my favorite touch.

Even though your beard is prickly sometimes,

Your hands are still so soft

Your body so warm

You are the softest thing my hands have ever felt.

Sometimes, I lie awake at night

2 in the morning

Wondering what I did wrong

Wishing I could go back in time & change things

Sometimes, when my thoughts keep me up,

I stare at the ceiling

And see black,

Wishing I saw colors instead.

Sometimes, I’m proud of myself

But, most hours, I hate myself and beat myself up about mistakes I’ve made in the past

Praying that the past does not repeat itself

Sometimes, I think of you

Wishing you were here with me

To comfort me when I’m trapped in my own thoughts -- that haunt me & choke me

Until someone like you saves me.

Sometimes, I wish you would love me back

Hoping you will pull up to my house one day & kiss me deeply.

But, since I know that moment will cease to exist,

I try to accept our lustful friendship full of once-a-week flings.

I try to forget about your seductive smirk, old man laugh, and thick, greasy, blond hair.

Sometimes, I try to forget about the things that made me fall in love with you entirely: Our late night FaceTime calls

Your sense of humor

The way you tease me & the way you look at me.

Why do you look at me with those shiny, blue, love-filled eyes

Yet, still say we're "only friends"?

Sometimes, I ask myself why I’m doing this

Why I’m allowing myself to be in so much pain

Why I signed myself up for this

For this heartbreak.

And the reason why is... you.

What shall I do?

With the hole in my heart

That only you fill

...but you don’t want me.

For you to know the thoughts that occupy my mind would be

Painful - for the both of us

That’s why you told me not to fall in love with you

...but I just can’t help it

What shall I do?

With my deep yearning for love

That no one reciprocates for me

...but that’s normal, right?

For me to always want love

To be in love with the idea of love

And to fall in love with anyone who is willing to fill that gap in my heart

...but there is no one

What shall I do?

With the loneliness that haunts me, strangles me until I can no longer breathe

Maybe there will be a prince who will come save me from your burning hands

...but no prince exists

I opened my heart to you and let you stroke my bones

Yet you still call me “friend”

My experience with love is great

...but I am not worthy of love anymore.

What shall I do?

With the suffering I feel when we’re not together

When I’m not running my fingers through your hair or

When you’re not kissing me gently

Kissing you was a mistake because now I love you

Just know that I hate myself for it

Every night, I pray that the hole closes, that the loneliness, suffering, and pain go away

...but the hole just gets wider.

Obsession - my least favorite word

I know we agreed to never fall in love with each other

And to never establish a relationship

I know we agreed to just hang out as friends

With some intimate benefits

But every time I think about you,

I can’t help but smile

But, not just any smile. The smile you smile when you first realize that you’re in love.

Am I in love or just excited to see you again?

I’m in love with our late night talks and FaceTime calls.

I’m in love with your seductive looks

And the way you tease me about my lip-biting habit.

You always say I bite & lick my lips because I love you...

Do I?

Every time we meet up

And make out in your truck,

we numb each other to cover our fear of loneliness

Is it just that numbing feeling I desire... or is it you?

Am I just desperate? Lustful? ... Lonely?

.... Or obsessed?

Once, he looked at me

With those soft, brown eyes

So full of desire

His smile of that of an angel

His smile perhaps of... someone in love

Our eyes locked and for just one moment, one second

My dreams came true

Every time he stops and looks away

I always think,

"He'll never know how many times I've looked at him, wanted him, dreamed of him."

But, then I tell myself,

"Oh, you poor girl, he never wanted to know in the first place.

All those times he looked at you

were fake."

My eyes drain of love and fill with tears

As I walk away from him

And burn my memories of him

Because our love for each other will never wake

And neither will my heart as I crawl into bed

and shelter myself from that idea that will never be:

Love.

A girl once liked a guy -- a perfect guy, in fact.

She loved him more than she could understand.

She created a world in her mind and dreamed of an imaginary future with him.

But, the poor girl's heart broke when he turned away from her.

All the guys did. None of them ever liked her.

Walking down the school halls, she looked at all the girls and envied their shiny hair, intelligence, popularity, expensive clothes and shoes, and beautiful faces. The girl, however, had frizzy hair, acne, and no friends. She was very smart, but not smart enough for her classmates. She wore black most of the time and cried every time she looked at the mirror too long.

So many insecurities, with no one to help her.

So many tears, with no one to hold her.

This is my life.

Everyday.

There are so many things that I want to tell you.

So many things that I wish I could say.

I’ve hoped & prayed that whenever the day comes that I tell you I love you, you’ll say it back. And you’ll pull me into your arms & kiss me. Exactly the way I imagined it...

I wish you could love me the way I love you. You have no idea how much you are loved, how much people care about you.

I hope you dream about me the way I dream about you.

Where’s our love story?

If we could have one, would you join me?

Do you smile when you think of me?

Do you think about me often?

Do you ever wonder how I’m doing?

Do you pray for me like I pray for you?

I’ve looked into your eyes and saw happiness, love, and perfection. Do you see the same when you look into my eyes? ...If you look into them at all

I love you.

Do you love me too?

Even though we were never together, you broke my heart when I realized that we could never be together.

I loved you more than anything, and I still do. It’s a bad habit.

Every time I looked at you, I smiled & hoped that you would hold my head in your hands and kiss me. Passionately.

...But you never did.

I was so sure that you were the perfect guy for me — we had so much in common. I guess the one thing we didn’t have in common was a mutual love for one another.

Even though I’ve been rejected countless times, it still isn’t easy.

In fact, it was most difficult with you. I still wish you were mine.

I’ve always known I wasn’t pretty enough or old enough or... anything enough for you. But, I hoped & prayed that we could at least try.

I’m never enough for anybody, not even myself.

Heartbreak hurts more with someone you were never actually with — than with someone you had a relationship with.

Because at least in a relationship, you can look back at happy memories with that person. But, if you were never together to begin with, there's nothing to look back on... besides the tears.

I see you all the time

Our eyes meet and we laugh together

Yet, I can never have you

You probably don’t want me in your arms anyways

I wish you knew just how amazing you are: the kindest man I know

I wish you knew how much I love you... but I’m also glad it’s a secret

I’ve had my heart broken enough.

Every time I see you is another happy moment in my day. Yet, every time I think about why we could never be together, I want to cry.

My heart cries & yearns for you.

You and your brown-red hair

Your beard and soft-rimmed glasses

Your soft voice and angelic laugh

The way you look up and smile at me

Oh, how I wish I could just look at you forever...

I wish you knew how cute you look in Christmas sweaters & in those plaid shirts you wear everyday.

I wish I knew why I keep breaking my own heart by falling for guys like you - guys I can’t have.

My heart burns for you, my love.

After losing all my friends, you are one of the few people who make me happy anymore.

You bring so much happiness & peace into my life

And I thank you for that, even if we’ll never be together the way I wish we could