It is not a linear process

It’s fragmented and scattered across the floor like puzzle pieces

Healing is putting yourself together slowly until you are a picture that you recognize

Again, or maybe for the first time

Each piece its own story; its own lesson

The cracks between defining them like wrinkles on a face

Huddled to the ground a woman lies curled and weeps

Deep, breathtakingly large sobs

No one stops

They pay no mind

Because everyone knows

You can't stop a heart from crushing under its own weight

I watch the way they expand and shrink

Sometimes they float

Sometimes they sink

They take the form of so many things

As they flutter and swirl

In smokelike rings

Up, up, up and above

Words are comfort

Words are love

My mind starts to wander

To places far away

I get all caught up

In the things that you won’t say

Why?

Why do I punish myself with you?

You don’t want me

You don’t want me

You don’t want me

I’ll say it ’til the words ring loud and true

Will it ever sink in?

I’ve been saying it for years

Since time began, in fact

I’ve been missing you for years

But my heart will not retract

The too many things said by me

For you to simply gaze upon

And then flatly disagree

Don’t need an intervention

Or the good intentions it imbues

Never wanted pity

Least of all yours, for loving you!

I’m a vent without a filter

A flame without spark

My center is left and slightly off kilter

Every pain until you

Was a walk in the park

Should have never opened up this door

I knew what it would do

And as for you and your part,

You should have known it too

I’d like it stricken from the records

And all the documents corrected

That say you ever loved me back

Or worse!

That you felt the same as I,

as I mistakenly suspected

Did I make you believe

In something that’s untrue?

Tell me, just exactly what

I ever asked of you?

Does it piss you off

That you wasted time on me?

How cruel then, to both of us

to not just let me be

All this time

You mistook my need for bravery

And longing for strength

Then took my faith and stretched it

Far beyond its length

I tried to fight it as best I could

Because I truly love you

The way love truly should

I think you thought me fearless

And it gave you courage too

It was desire that was brave,

not me

Don’t you see it came from you

You needed answers, I see that now

But accepted none

Too bothered by the why and how

Whoever said the truth was fun

Take these words for nothing more

Than tiny grains of salt

For I mean no ill intent

Or to place some kind of fault

I just mean to explain

That I wasn’t trying to hurt you

And I know from you the same

So, please just don’t be mad at me

When you’re searching to place blame

Someday I think you’ll see it

That I meant every single word

And when you do, remember

What you felt, not what you thought you knew or heard

Mind and heart won’t compromise

A seismic shift in common ground

Has led

To an impasse of unwavering dissent

With bared teeth and souls raw

Swallowed whole by fervent mouths

They coordinate

The current state

Just when mind says “let go”

And I’m almost thoroughly convinced

Heart rushes in to fight another day (valiant, foolish thing)

Their struggle so palpable

Quarreling so vigorous

Sometimes

I think I might be severed right in half

So they may go their separate ways

I never wanted anyone this close

Until I wanted you

I don’t know why

I find needing you so alluring

Some things to understand about me: (that I, myself, should know by now, but consistently forget).

1. My approach is 99.9% of the time completely wrong.

2. I may say I understand something, but there is a 50/50 chance I will walk away & have no idea what just happened.

3. I don’t get my feelings hurt easily PER SE , but I will absolutely take everything personally.

Lastly, and this is the most important one -

4. If I care about you, you will damn well know it. And that shit is forever.

It’s always a weird feeling.

Suddenly realizing that you’ve been hiding.

Hiding from yourself.

and you’re not really sure for how long.

Then, in a flash, you see the other person.

Doing all the things you do,

saying all the things you say.

While you are tucked way back someplace.

Someplace very, very small.

The smallest place you can find.

And the view out is really distorted because you’re staring through the backside of someone else’s eyeballs. And it’s the sudden strangeness of it that gets your attention to start with.

So you ask yourself what you’ve been doing back there.

And you’re like, “I was hiding.”

From what?

“I’m not sure.”

“Myself, I think.”

“But I’m ready to come out now.”