His teeth were black around the edges,

and there was always a seed between them.

And his eyebrows matched his mustache;

Greasy curtains to the rot.

He had yellow stains on every white t-shirt,

Like the color of the nicotine he inhaled.

That's all I saw before the violation,

before my soul went stale.

If the globe could alter over night, and society could rise into a brighter light; if the world was fresh, and at it's very best, laying open and unused, would we heed our mistakes, or just form the very same streets we've already consumed? Would we stop and think before we speak? Or just let it sway and fade away into the ways of the old days? It's easy enough to call out another's bluff, but if you saw a stranger with an empty looking cup, would you lend a smile to fill it up? Or would you let the thought pass through your mind for fear of losing your place in your own little lifeline? Why is it that if our pockets don't grow, and our vanities don't show, were are doomed to a fate that's labeled as a joke? We are monopolized entirely. We immerse ourselves in money. Money that flowers our cowardice bluntly. So that our clothes and our shoes, and everything we do, can please those we view as the definition of cool. Living your life through the brand on your tag, or the collection of worthless shit that you have... What have we evolved into? Stupid theories, and religious views to make up for the fears of the answers we choose. Answer's to questions that simply leave us confused. We are so washed up and used. Instead of the need to be right, we could stop the wars, and end our plights. Love is not a charity, a charity is plagued by the hopes of getting glory, the hopes of turning into a story. Next time you buy yourself a little happiness and you then happen to see a man on the street with nothing to eat, why not share a little piece of something they need. Something that's sweet; an unheard of deed. Speak to them like you'd speak to your family, for words can run farther than the eye can see. Stop filming the video to show the stampede - Stop doing the work for the likes and envy. If you're ever in doubt of whether or not you could really standout, abandon every ounce of all of your greed, and stop asking yourself "what's in it for me?"

So ofhten I wonder where I would be if she never came into my life. If I never got to come home to that smile, that love, and that "I missed you so much" excitement. I wonder if I would still be where I was only a month before she came into my life - Not a thought as to if I would make it to the next day, let alone to my own bed that night. I can recall my father telling me that she would be too much - that the responsibility for a being like her was not meant for such a wild child as I. I then look back on the first time I left her in my room without me. The ache I had in my soul, and the desperate longing to leave the party and steal time under covers with scary movies, snacks, and cuddles. Safe to say, she was alone for maybe three hours total, but for me it felt like three days. I thought on how I picked her up at my mother's house - where she was deemed unfit to live, and absolutely broken in spirit. Where I picked her up, all 71.3 pounds of her and put her in my roommates car. I sat in the back seat with her as I stroked and kissed her head and I realized that I am now... a mother? A friend? A safe place?

If you haven't realized yet... She is my dog. So much more than a dog, though. She is the reason I come home. She is the reason I care enough about myself to have a home to come home to. She is the only reason I decided to keep breathing when life was at its worst and all I wanted to do was stop breathing entirely. If you do not have a dog, there simply is not a way to understand. While I understand mothers of humans have a bond with their children... there is something so different about knowing that an animal who does not speak your language, does not learn to feed themselves, and does not grow into a 'functioning' member of society will learn to rely on you. There is something about becoming an entire world to a creature who fills your heart with so much love, and clarity. her forehead is pressed against my thigh right now - my feet are up on the coffee table and she is taking up about 2/3 of the couch we are on.. but I wouldn't have it any other way. Her furry brother, who she taught so much to, lays in a ball on the other side of me.

The synchronization of their snores damn near brings tears to my eyes when I stop to think about it. I cannot fathom how my mother could look at this dog and try and sell her off to the biggest bid of a breeder. I cannot fathom how my little mutt on the other side was cast away to live on the streets. It hurts to know they faced so many horrors in the beginning of their lives - yet I am thankful. They pulled me from the bottom of the bottle, from the reckless, self destructive nights, to mornings making puppy paintings before coffee. I will never forget what she did for me. I will forever mourn her love, even though it is still snoring beside me.

And this is a love I’ve never known before.

This is calm, this is quiet

This is my dogs greeting you at the front door.

This is rainbow kitten surprise,

This is all that and more -

This is you, and this is I

This is a love that hasn't stifled my cries.

This is a love that I have never known before.

I’m pulling cards to questions for answers that I already know.

Pulling just to read and tell myself I told you so.

And it makes me wonder what is actually divine.

Is it the stars and the cosmos, or is it how they explode inside?

Is my mind just the floating constellations of a different sky?

There is a stillness in my soul when I catch fragments of my light -

Why do I put so much reverence into voices from the other side?

Sometimes I think that if ambition was a sin, then I’d be heaven sent.

I strive to persevere, but I think it’s just to say I did.

Because after half a goal is accomplished, I give up and give in.

I’m starting to think that all along, there was a strength from within.

It’s beginning to bubble out from my skin.

Coming out from my pores.

There’s something in my body that is begging for more.

Perhaps it’s time to delve into my own divine.

Perhaps it’s time for patience and ambition to align.

Perhaps the perseverance will pay off this time -

Maybe for once the stillness will be in my mind,

It will transcend my resolve;

Maybe the reverence will be for the strength it took for myself to evolve.

I know I told you that I wasn’t angry anymore.

That I’ve accepted it’s my turn now to undo the damage that was done.

And I lied to you that day -

I lied to keep the peace,

Because when it comes to you, keeping peace is much easier than any truth that I could speak.

The truth is that it grows like ivy around every rib in this cage.

The truth is that I can only tell the truth because right now you’re a hundred miles away.

In a completely different state,

Not just by distance, it’s also of the mind.

Because you’re probably back home brewing up your hops,

And I’m still swallowing down the memories while they scrape at my insides, and I’m choking on every drop.

Like how you could fight a war on foreign ground,

But you couldn’t fight the hands at home that tried to make me drown.

You didn’t stop the death of your own blood,

But you stopped that blood from standing up.

You left us with the demon that even you were running from.

I know it was your duty,

Not necessarily your choice -

But it was your choice to make me stay.

For 18 months at first, and then another 6 delayed.

I remember crying to you through the screen,

Begging for reprieve.

“Just send me back to my dysfunctional mother, at least she doesn’t strangle me.”

And you looked away, your thoughts looming heavy.

You took a deep breath, and peered through the camera at me,

Your eyes were hollow, but I could tell you felt free -

Because you didn’t have to watch her that night,

You didn’t feel the hot spit of her scream.

That was one of the days you talked about accountability.

And holding one’s self to such -

In that fatal moment I knew we’d lost touch.

I knew we’d probably never get it back -

I was just a bad kid, and you were just an army dad.

I know if you were here, you’d probably feel this in your chest.

But you’re miles away and that’s how I like you best.

Because you and I both know, you’d just say I’m being dramatic.

That I “just have to get over that shit.”

Concealing nail marks on my cheeks just isn’t comparable when it comes to dodging IEDs.

The irony is that now you and I are both diagnosed with the very same thing.

It’s that complex version of PTSD.

And so that’s why I lie,

and I keep the peace -

Because while you think that your war is over,

Our fires never really ceased.