For operation:

Place Tab A into Slot B

Shake well; and repeat

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i think i told you i wanted to break up

or to kill myself

same thing

you parked the car

and got out while i stayed inside

seatbelt buckled

you yelled and i’m cried

i don’t need to remember to know

it snowed on the way to pittsburgh

i thought it was pretty

i don’t need to remember to know

i always think snow is pretty

i’m remembering myself

sometimes, these days

i’m not sure if i said anything

or if we’d agreed to silence

i don’t need to remember to know

you hated every word from my mouth

i think we were late to the concert

i don’t need to remember to know

you were mad at me in the hotel room

i wore a nice leather jacket

and stuffed pills into the pockets

left my purse on the sidewalk

you didn’t tell me anything was wrong with me

only that you hated talking to me

i don’t think we went to the candy store

even though i wanted to

but i don’t need to remember to know

you would’ve yelled and i would’ve cried

you would’ve paid and i would’ve gotten chocolate

all over my hands and the leather seats in my car

you would’ve gotten mad and driven faster

all i have is the picture from the toll booth

i got in the mail

we didn't take many photos by the end

when i stopped looking like myself

i swore i'd be pretty again or like myself again

we talked a lot about forever and commitment

and love so

i thought about our engagement

but never our wedding

i thought about your funeral

i would cry and plan a eulogy

in my head, i never told you that

i’d wear my pajamas to the church

because i was always wearing pajamas or

nothing at all

i was never happy enough to wear anything else

i couldn’t pick out clothes from my closet

or look at myself in the mirror

when i wasn’t there at all

it was easy to plan ways to cry over you

i don’t need to remember to know

how to feel so sad

and nothing else

to feel sadness in place of self

you yelled and i cried

because i was someone else

but i wasn’t anyone else

i wasn’t myself

or at least i didn’t want to be

i think i told you i wanted to break up

or kill myself

same thing

or stay together forever

or kill myself

same thing

the only thing i miss

is how you held me after

you told me you wished i was someone else

you told me something was wrong with me

i know

something was wrong with me

and i’m sorry

i don’t remember saying i’m sorry

i don’t need to remember to know

i’m always sorry, i’m still sorry

for breaking up and staying together

or killing myself

same thing

Today, what seems like a hundred years ago, I lost my life

and started a new one.

I was close to ending it all.

I was looking for a gun.

I was looking for a way out of the hell hole I was in.

I wanted to kill, and not just me.

I wanted to hurt everybody who had brought me to this place.

I felt hopeful, fighting might be worth it.

I wanted to get out.

I didn't get out,

not for a long time.

But that one night, I chose not to harm.

This is the anniversary of that night.

That problem still continues.

It makes every day worse than the last,

but I still remember that night.

A night I regret.

The night I decided to survive.

I wish I didn't regret that night, but I'm stuck reliving the horror inside.