It sits, heavy as a cloud,
lightness without being loud
sheltering me from the gusty winds
Of words.....hot, breathy, unwanted
if I sit, ever so still....I can see it
permeating the air like a sheer veil...
covering the Hum and drum of the day
if I inhale I can taste it, sweet like summer rain
it washes out the droning
it wraps me in its tender embrace,
letting me be
Sometimes, it runs at me, faster than lightning
Jolting me out of my comfortable existence
it teases from me the wordless doubts and grief
it shames me into the corner
Hides me under the covers
pushes me to the brink of delirium and then
holds me, shaking, rocking, tender....
and Yet again, it mocks me
locks me up and throws me to the lions waiting,
eager to feast on my silent slivered soul
it sheds light in the day and heralds
all darkness at night....demons slink soulless and
it sits, heavy as a cloud, an elephant in the room, weight pressed
upon my chest
it flits about, light as a feather, peaceful and clear
lifting my heart while holding my secrets
listen....can you hear it?
Losing the Battle
In the darkness
I hear it ....a constant
Buzzing, quiet ringing
it deafens me as I reach through
Salty curtains that veil the
TRUTH and try to see, feel and understand
but I’m not there yet.
I see YOU, once my rock and safe
space to vent and seek comfort
shattered by your deception
Angry that you cannot
break your cycle of
Twisting the situation to reflect your
experiences, feelings and memories
IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU
STOP trying to console with false understanding
lit is our story
their anguish. Your devotion mocks our attempts at moving on
your need to know it all
to control it all.....
it needs to stop.
listen and HEAR our cries
The feeling of inadequacy
of emotinal emptiness and self critical perfection
We impose upon our scarred and broken relationships
help us move ahead....
what we are saying
With our words
With our actions
With heart .please.
Shake Up Wake Up
This isn’t about you, but it is.
It’s about you having to relinquish control and your need to always know everything. It’s about how far are you willing to go and what will you risk ? Who will you risk? Is it age, angst anger or the being around someone so resentful that you picked up their negative vibe and unconsciously made their beliefs hours, or maybe just questioned your own belief ?
We are all in the midst of the toughest journey will have ever known, and it is not to belittle anything that happened in your life. You can be sorry about the situation but do not be sorry. You had no hand in this part, but the long term effects will be on you.
You cannot fathom the depths of the damage each of us has suffered. The torment within our hearts and minds as we struggle daily just to function. We are angry, depressed, anxious and scared. For ourselves, and for each other. We all show it, or not, in different ways. It is not to say you never felt sadness or fear or anger, but in this journey you are the support not the victim. You must learn to not only listen, but to HEAR. You must understand that we are all in tremendous pain, and inside our heads is a terrible place to be.
You manifest the feelings we have or display, make the, your own and without realizing it, you are alienating your blood. Your family is hurting, and I trauma, and making demands and forcing control when you are not fully aware is a dangerous game. Again, what are you willing to risk for your words, actions and beliefs. Are they your own or self imposed to fit in? Be brutally honest with yourself, because the right answer may be the wrong answer. Think, I beg of you, think on the words you say and the time you use to say them. Noe of us are perfect and we are all broken. You will be hurt, angry and sad. You may not like hearing what we say, but you need to hear it, listen, internalize and act accordingly. Apologies will need to be made if you want to work on repairing what is now a painfully taut balance. If you stumble the wrong way, you will find yourself pushed out, bereft and devoid of one you love the most.
Love is accepting imperfection and independence of those people who you call family. It is being nonjudgmental and careful since times have changed, and as humans, evolution is hard. Personality shaped by our environment is not doomed to exist forever, it can be manipulated to a greater understanding of the dynamics of love and acceptance with no strings, no pained words and strained relationships.
This will be the hardest truth you will ever need to face. And you will need to step away from yourself, your past, your history, and try to understand the situation today. The moment to moment existence we are each coping with every day. We are at the bottom of the mountain as must face the perils of the uphill, twisted climb to reach our peace, our salvation and understanding. Give us that. Join us on the journey. But please, step back and try to temper your words, your tone and thoughts. Do not take mine, even if I am venting, and make them your own, in anger and moments when we feel hurt, we do and say things that are not necessarily what we mean with our hearts, and these are the dangerous words and times. We are always growing, and it is not about you. Nobody questioned your giving nature, but are you doing it for the right reasons? Think hard and dissect your answers and thoughts cautiously. Be prepared to cry, to offer apologies and to hurt, as we are all not who we seem to be.
The Little Things
You are amazing.
When I count your tiny toes
And kiss your button nose
I am saying I love you.
My hearts, my life, my soul-
You take my breath away.
Too quickly, you are running,
"Look here, see what I found, look what I can do!"
And I do. With a warmth in my core and joy in my eyes,
because I love you.
Too soon you’re gone, I blinked.
On your own and I am alone.
You don’t need me to balance your shaky steps,
Or to hold your hand for courage.
But I need you.
You struggle to break free,
But you have always been free,
I merely guided you to keep you safe,
To illuminate your path..
You have always been so strong,
Self evident in your actions, and
I am so proud of you
Every moment for all time.
Each of you are pieces of the puzzle,
ragged on the smooth cut edgea,
yet seamlesss when together.
You are the answers,
the trifecta that beats a steady rhythm
beneath my bones. You three complete me.
You are my shining stars.
You are my purpose.
You are my heart
I love you.
I have always loved you.
I have always needed you.
Before you were a glimmer, I needed you.
I will always need you.
You are every breath I took before
And in every smile and memory.
I knew you before I met you,
Beautiful light of my soul.
You are my reason,
my all of the reasons,
And you make my journey worth it.
And I will be here when you need me.
Always, because I love you.
There is no such thing as honest, but all duplicitous lies.
Helpers, lovers, friends and the like - they are always on the side.
When you wear your heart on your sleeve, best beware...
People will take everything you've got stripping your soul bare.
Honesty is a rare commodity, and I fear it will be my end,
As the world keeps spinning while I am driven to brink of despair.
Honest gets you nowhere, but secrets, schemes and lies...
Better served as resources to keep the workers alive.
I lie here in the thick, black night. The sheets skritch as I shift my legs, seeking respite and repose. I hear each sound clearer than ever. The steady iron drip of water from the tap; the rustling of blankets as my toes stretch towards some unseen element; the smacking sound of the dog as she licks her lips in her sleep - sleep will not come tonight.
I see the vague shapes of monsters, threatening as they hover, waiting for me to fall. They wait, hoping I will uncover even a digit, giving them cause to move more swiftly towards my demise.
All I ever was and will be is a lie. A dream that I sustained which gave me solidity, validity and made me real. But alas, I am made of the nothingness that comes from the bowels of the earth. The monsters are waiting, and soon I will let them feed.
I was told life has pathways and we choose our destiny. Lie. I was promised security and safety. Another lie. I was led to believe that people are just, fair and good. The biggest lie. Nobody cares that I weep while I sleep, suffer silently in loneliness and fear, or that my world is crashing to an untimely death.
The night is comforting. The deep grey shadows hide not only the beasts, but my fears, my sins and my future. How is it a sin to want a better life, or any life for that matter where one is free from abuse? Taunts, jeers, teasing - the harrowing task of pulling myself from the tangled sheets to fce my adversaries daily. It's almost too much.
Tonight, I lie awake, knowing that pieces of my life are being stripped from me, just as one might peel an unsightly vegetable. A good analogy, since I am frozen with fear, anxiety and the knowledge of all that is lost. I shed my tarnished skin to allow the monsters to feed. They may as well, since my cause seems hopeless. Dire straits leave one very few options. And being immobilized is worse than death.
And so I lie here, seeking solace from the shadows. Dreading the daylight and the endless letters of rejection to my inbox. How can I not be qualified to even answer a phone? I wonder how I managed an advanced degree, and what purpose it served, since with it, I am useless and obsolete. I call those monsters now to feed upon my what is left of my heart, of my soul. I have sinned somehwere, and must be punished. I suppose poverty and unhappiness will suit as well as any other attire. But what to tell my offspring? I only hope they make better choices, for I have failed. I am a failure and the monsters can have my soul.
I have descended to the darkest place, and returning seems ftile. How much more can I lie to myself, to present a positive face to the world when my own world has fallen to bits?
Sleep, no longer salvation but a punishment, if it ever comes. How long can one survive without sleep? The dark will rise and take me soon. And I am just another fatality with no legacy.
The Dawn of Evil
It begins with something simple...because we all know better than to heed the words of the sinuous, slithering and suggestive snake. Like Mother Eve, Evil rises in every fiber of our beings. We are drawn to the exotic, the dangerous, that which is taboo.
Evil awoke in the Garden of Eden and spread her magnificent, malignant raven wings of smoke over the blue-green planet. She sows her seeds within us all, mocking, testing, luring even the most glowing, sanctimonious, and pure-hearted to her den. She whispers love songs and mystical messages in our ears, promising more than we dare to dream.
Evil lives because of want and need. The pious need not seek her or the Fallen Angel as the wickedness grows like a flaming ball of red-hot embers within that empty cavity beneath the thorax. Evil is heartless, yet it is the heart of each and every being.
Evil was born because of human desire. Don't you know that which is so beautiful must be underlaid with tones of golden flecked sensuality that is way too good to be true. So it is false and only the brave recognize it for its truth. Evil lives within. It grows from good intentions, martyrs and suicide terrorists. It is borne of lack and of excess, and seeks no class distinction. It is the ultimate fantasy and horror story together. Evil is what fuels the flames of desire and success. It is greed, avarice, want and sex. It is fathers turning on their families and company executives skimming the top. It is the way we prostitute ourselves for the American Dream.
Evil has been here for all time. She has linked herself through the trees and fossilized remains of the past to our present. She calls to your base instinct, those gut desires and makes you want. She makes you act. True followers feel no remorse.
So what is evil? We are evil, every living, breathing organism. We inhale dreams and exhale the subtle suggestions of Lucifer and Eve. We thrive on dark hope and the fear of not pleasing Evil. Eve/Evil is always watching, she waits for you to stumble, and helps you up with dark promises. She walks with you through the world, until at last she brings you to the gates of Hell. Or is it Paradise?
Evil lives as long as humans want, desire, hope and dream. She will be steadfast and true until you can no longer walk beside her. And then, Evil simply laughs.
I've been away too long, the words resounding in my head,
Although my body functions, it feels like I am dead.
You get louder each day, an echo in the corridor of my brain,
Of course the neighbors hear it, I'm not going insane.
You blame me, for it all, when it was you that made the choice,
My opinion and emotions were not allowed to have a voice.
I'm watching with fear as my hopes fade away, the dream awash in red,
You see when I am sleeping, I dream bloody frescoes in my bed.
I finally have the impetus to follow my passion and joy,
But you hold me back, you mock me and tell me it's a ploy.
You tell me I'm worthless, an idiot, too trusting - naive-
But because I stopped talking you can't see how much I grieve.
You have lost all hope and are filled with anger, the kids can see it too,
I want so much to run away, far, far from you.
Restrictions based on your far right ideals make it hard for me to find
Employment in my chosen field, I'm being left behind.
I cry alone, and have come to see that I need to shut myself up once more,
You irritate my friends and they won't come here anymore.
Isolated from my family, a poor future is all they see,
I'm constantly told what I should do, but they don't understand the real me.
They have all gotten their heart's desires, allowed to pursue their dreams,
While I was the guinea pig, pushed along, a test subject , it seems.
I am to blame because I let myself be pushed and prodded by their advice,
They always knew what was best for me, so I followed, but now pay the price.
In search of a job to pay my bills, and put some away to be free,
But at every turn I am "overqualified, not the right fit, or to old " for the job I see.
I've been told lies right to my face and the interviewer cannot see,
That the job is my salvation - the beginning of the road to be free.
Alas my time is running short, and I hear your thudding upstairs,
Screaming, pounding and shouting profane - to intervene I won't dare.
You joke about your health, heart attacks, strokes and now cancer -
But you must be under the luckiest star since you heal so much faster.
The sad thing is you use it as a crutch, to explain why you sleep until noon,
You were supposed to provide, be a friend and a love and instead I talk with the moon.
Yes you were mad last week when I quit my inane job that didn't even cover the rent,
The fact that I was being abused didn't make you blink - only thinking of dollars and cents.
I wish you'd leave or die as you threathen each day,
Don't worry I'll figure it out.
I feel you're a crutch that's keeping me trapped and
I'm ready to move on, though scared, to the next stage,
Where I determine my path, have a voice and some clout.
So fellow prosers, you see why I've been gone,
Too much has filled my mind. And though all the words are
floating about, it's hard to pen them in rhyme.
I need a new beginning and I have to break out of this rut -
I hope the new years finds me a job, freedom and maybe,
just maybe my words will leave their mark.
#venting, #sadness, #prose
Tired of insidious ploys
Of skulking, stomping, screaming noise
The negative vibe
The whining sigh,
The ranting, pacing baby cry.
Your woes are yours to grin and bear
You set the stage for much despair.
Enough of your LOUD tone and bemoaning state
Start afresh, you have a clean slate.
Package yourself all bonny and clean
A newfangled, techno- wizarding scheme.
You know it all, and what you're worth,
But you need to prove it, and I know it hurts.
You've fallen from that pedestal high,
The one you placed yourself upon way back nigh
When you were young, rich, popular and smart,
If only you had remembered that you needed heart.
Tired of the same old words,
The cause of which leaves us all disturbed.
So sad when you'll be all alone,
Old and lonely, with only yourself at home.
Twitchy, even tiny steps are being made
To move aways from your endless tirade.
We're tired. Give it up, and try a positive spin
It's attitude that makes up most of the win.
I know you think I live in "La La Land"
But the truth is I am learning to stand
Once again on my own two feet
Away from the blistering heat
Of your angry, vile, putrid mouth
Away from the venom you espouse.
Do yourself a favor and give it a rest,
Life is not always a failed supper test.
Positive people do more today
Than the ones who constantly bray nay, nay nay.
The night is hot and humid.
Restless I pace the wide, scarred planks beneath my
Petal pink feet; soft yet even with the midnight jaunts in the garden.
They've locked me here, in this stifling room,
Not recognizing the signs of love, but seeing instead a
Diseased filth of their mind's creation.
Carelessly, I caress my porcelain neck, feeling my love's mark...
Sweet, tender and volatile all at once.
Hot and bothered I fling open the louvered doors, seeking any breath
Of night air..breathing deeply I inhale the scent of magnolias, jasmine
And the mossy earth scent of dirt. An odd stirring sends me back to my room. My cell of torment, of waiting, endless waiting for my love.
The fan spins lazy circles, Spirograph stencils from the moonlight on the white linens. Shrouding myself in the mosquito netting and cool, cold sheets I lie awake. I listen to the faint breeze, hoping to hear your footsteps. They fear my sanity, yet I fear the insanity of missing you.
The heat is rising, and so is the dark. There's a crack in the mirror and I feel as if it is where you hide, where I must look to find your tender gaze.
I'm tired but too excited to sleep. I know your next visit will be the last, and I want to remember every lucid detail. Once you visit we will be together forever, hearts entwined. My lids grow heavy as I watch the fan - I didn't hear you slip inside my fortress, though I gave you leave to do so.
I feel your wet, succulent kisses upon my throat as I wake to wind my fingers in your jet black hair. I feel I shall die with the overflowing sensations - my heart about to burst, yet I am weak. My love, perhaps they are right, I am ill and weak...I cannot lift my arm round your neck or raise my mouth to yours. What is this madness? I am dying to be reborn. Your kisses granting me everlasting life, and I know that I cannot remain here much longer. Tonight, I am ready, and tomorrow I shall fly with you in the incandescent moonlight to our eternity.