I gaze morosely out of the squares of my window, seeing my reflection mirrored, a steaming cup of hot chocolate in my hand. Water streams down over the panes of the glass as the rain assaults my house, coming down in buckets, accompanied by loud thunder and bright streaks of lightning.

I take a sip of my beverage, glancing down at the desk in front of me. Before me lies an empty notebook, waiting to be filled with thoughts. There are scrunched up papers all around me on the floor, tossed carelessly aside because of the lack of material contained on their pages. I'm horrified at my several attempts to write, all unsuccessful. My potential has faded, leaving me alone with my writer's block. I've only been digitally editing what I've already written. Where are the new ideas? Why haven't they come to me yet? All I need is one! Is that so much to ask? Wake up, brain, and give me an idea. Get it together, mind, and show me how to do this. Stop hurting, heart, and love what you used to: the simple art of writing, creating something worthwhile. Move in sync, hand, and agree with the body for once! I can do this. I think. I have to try again. I hope I can.

My typewriter is nearby, dust gathering on the letters. Has it really been that long since I wrote something? I feel so useless right now. My last piece; was it brilliant? Did it have untold value? Or was it empty and meaningless? Do I believe in what I wrote before? Right now, I'm not too sure of the answer to that question. I used to always strive to write beautiful pieces of art, each individual and unique, but lately my themes have been repetitive, and not quite so special.

Where's the fire that used to burn in my soul? My reason for inspiration is nowhere near me anymore. I'm lost without that to guide me. Has creativity fled forever from my hand? Will the words ever flow again? Will I always be tortured by the lack of true talent where there once was a wonderful, courageous mind?

I watch the rain splash on my window, lost in my musings as I put on some sweet, soft music. The melody surrounds me, leaving me relaxed, yet alert, capable of feeling beyond the normal. I've entered the state of simply being.

I'm here, yet not here. Distantly aware of my actions, I place my cup of hot chocolate on the coaster on my desk. My spirit is hovering over my body, attempting to travel to another place and time. Hopefully I can go back to that place when writing was easier, when every word written and every sentence constructed wasn't a struggle. I miss that place. I want to go back there, so badly. How do I transport myself there?

My eyes are closed, shut tightly from the harsh reality that is threatening to consume me, telling me I'm no longer a writer. However, my mind is open to new ideas. None seem to be forthcoming, so I sit silently and wait to see what I will discover. I'm fighting that crippling, destructive thought with all that I have. I've always loved writing. I want to be a writer always. I can't give up! It's only the voice of doubt that's haunting me, telling me it'll never be, that I'll always be nothing. I am something, I declare, with my words and thoughts, that message branded into my soul.

Inside me, a battle rages, my brain arguing with my heart, neither one capable of defeating the other, while my hand remains clutching my ink pen tightly, hovering above my latest empty page, crinkles on the side of the page where I've ripped out the other pages, the ones where I couldn't quite form a complete thought.

How different is this? At least before, there were ideas. They weren't perfectly structured, and intensely amazing, but they existed. Now, there's just a deafening silence in my mind, as the rain pours outside, my ears catching the sharp sound of the drops pelting hard against my window.

What can I possibly do to end this terrible cycle? Should I write down all these thoughts I've been having? Would they change my outlook on life in general? Would they give me hope of achieving great things during this life? I decide to try. I place the ink pen tip against the first line at the top of the page, and begin to write.

Lost in a cycle, of getting nothing done.

I thought I had problems. Now here's another one.

My mind is strung out, on caffeine and I'm so tired, yet I can't sleep yet.

Where's my motivation? Has it left?

The dreams I was pursuing, are no longer there.

Half of the time I wonder, if I really care.

Thinking is too hard, now I just want to feel.

Three-fourths of my thoughts, aren't even real.

They are the ones I put on the page, from lack of motivation.

Oh look! Here is another pointless creation.

These horrific images inside my imagination.

I'm lost in the writing, but not quite calm. My thoughts are a chaotic storm.

My pages are worn, from neglect and lack of use.

Every day, I find another excuse.

To not write, but then words like this come to the surface.

These days it's hard to even write a preface.

Misery clings to my mind, as I search to find, anything meaningful.

Yet inside my soul, I'm screaming, hating the inevitable.

I'll never stop writing, at least until the next block.

If only I could stop looking at my clock.

Your eyes could light up a room. Your smile was unlike any other's. Your voice was beautiful to behold, in speaking, or in singing.

I've missed you since you left, as you passed onto the next stage, after life. I pray you reached Heaven. The days don't seem the same, without you here. My smile isn't so easy to bring across my lips, because I haven't seen yours in too long.

Yet your presence here remains, inside my mind. I remember the good times, and that last hug I gave you, before the bad news came. Nothing will ever be right again, because I lost you, such a dear friend.

My heart is so frail and torn, like I'm missing a fundamental part of my life, my bones feeling shattered by the reality that I will never see you again. That hurts more than anyone will ever know. I can't let this grief show. It's my burden alone to bear. I see you in people everywhere.

Music I listen to, to break the monotony of my day. However, all this does is make me think of you more. Every melody causes a ripple through my soul, creating a maddening depression inside my heart, tearing at my spirit until I'm naught but a shell, miserable...so bereft...so alone, lost in agony. My torment is fresh, even though time had passed, since you left.

You've been gone so long, but it's like I saw you alive yesterday. It's like I just lost you. I know I wasn't the only one who lost you. Other people love and miss you, too. I'm not as alone as I think. It just seems that way.

Every day, I miss you, and your company. I loved talking to you. You gave me so much advice and hope for my future. You inspired me to do better, to make something out of myself, to have a career and not just a job.

You would have made an amazing mother. I'm so sad that you could never have kids. They would've been so loved by you. If only. You could've done so much good in this world. You already did so much good. You were an amazing person.

I wish you were still here. You've been in my memory since that day, the day you passed away. I still picture you there, alive and vibrant. You're still here, in spirit. I feel you near me, not so far away as it seems.

I'm alright, although I miss you more with each day that passes. It's hard to face my day, feeling alone, even though I'm surrounded by people. Still need you, but I need to be strong, keeping your memory alive, by talking about the good times. That's all I can do, until we meet again.

I'm not mad at you. It wasn't your fault, but something neither of us could control. I wrote this to show the world how much you mean to me. You are one friend that I will never forget. No matter how much time passes, you will stay alive in my heart. That the only thing that comforts me now.

So, you are content to spend your days away from me. Oh, that's your idea of free?

Fine. Don't be concerned when I move on away from you.

Give me a sign. What do you really want to do?

I feel like I don't even know you anymore. You hurt me at every turn. You'd think by now that I'd be used to the burn. When will I ever learn, that you will never be the one for me?

I hate this crap you put me through. You aren't good at all. You only think of yourself, and you never catch me when I fall.

But I'm not concerned with you anymore. I'm living my life without worrying about you. So go and do what you do. You will anyway. There's nothing I can say, to change any part of you.

I know who I am, and what I'm supposed to do. That doesn't include taking care of you.

You say you're grown, but if that was true, you'd be on your own, and not with me, because you don't love me. I know that. It's a fact. I don't care how you will react to this.

But I'm fine. God loves me, and Jesus does, too. I don't require absolutely anything from you. I have all I need.

You used to be all I want. But I've found strength in myself, because you certainly don't.

#ThanksgivingChallenge

I'm thankful that I'm breathing, that I woke up and am able to move today.

I'm thankful that God has blessed me with this life of mine, and will praise Him through good and bad times.

Thankful that God loves me unconditionally and is always there's for me, no matter what I'm going through.

Thankful that God sent His Son to be the Savior of this world.

Thankful that Jesus Christ is my Savior.

Thankful that my family and friends are in my life.

Thankful that my son is healthy and safe.

Thankful that I have the ability to learn and be a better person through Christ, who strengthens me.

Thankful that my health is maintainable through the various medications I'm on.

Thankful that I've had the chance to be the best I can.

Thankful that I've forgiven myself for my mistakes. Thankful that I've confessed those mistakes to God, and that He's forgiven me, too.

Thankful that my destiny is in sight. Thankful that I'm finally doing what's right.

Thankful that I have a church where my family can go to praise God and celebrate the marvelous resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Thankful that I have breath in my lungs, and that my heart is still working properly.

Thankful that I've been able to write down so many thoughts and poems, and share them in various ways.

Thankful that God gave me this innate ability to write. Thankful that I'm brave enough to share my testimony with the world, so they may know how amazing God is.

Thankful that I can read the Bible whenever I want. Thankful that I'm free to believe in God and Jesus, without fear of persecution or worry, because I am strong in my faith.

Thankful that God is always going to be God, and Jesus will always be the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords.

Thankful that this life of mine finally has meaning! Thankful that I'm living the way I need to.

Thankful that my family loves me as much as I love them.

Thankful that I have good friends to talk to about absolutely anything.

Thankful that I'm still here, able to think, feel, love, hope, be joyful, inspire someone, inspire myself!

I have all those things to be thankful for, plus ones I can't even think of right now. I will never stop praising God and will always keep Jesus in my heart. Amen.

Verse 1: I'll never be that beautiful girl, flawless in her own skin.

I've been myself since I came into this world, is that enough for each of my friends?

I don't like this insecurity, berating me, baiting me at every turn.

It's like I'm lost amidst actual sanity, and I've yet to actually learn...anything.

Dreams are rare, to ever come true.

Sometimes I ask myself, does he really care?

Or is he only concerned with himself and you?

You're lucky to get his attention. I used to think I was his only.

This isn't even worth an honorable mention.

All he does is leave me lonely.

We're in the same space, but couldn't be further apart.

I can't read his face, and I don't understand his heart.

Chorus: And so I ask myself this: why we are together? This is worse than stormy weather. You'd think I'd know better, than to put my trust in his hands. He demands, and I respond, not in the way I should. I'm stronger without him, yet I remain here in this misery.

Verse 2: But I know one man, who loves me unconditionally, the way I should be loved.

With Him, I have my humility, and the grace that does abound within His Father up above.

The man's name is Jesus Christ, and He is all the love I need.

His words are what I seek.

He understands my every emotion, feeling and pain.

When tears fall down like rain, in Him I remain, faithful and just.

Having God and Jesus in my life, They are a must.

So the next time I feel hurt or disappointed, I'll remember who is in my heart.

It's Jesus and God, and no one can separate me from Them, this is the beginning of a new start.

I'll be more smart, and ignore the same situations.

I'll reach up high and forget my aggravation.

I'll stand up tall, and feel this loving sensation, provided by my Creator, and His only begotten son.

I'll remember that They are the only ones I need, within and without, inside and out.

I'll scream out loud, shout, praise, and sing, until in my life, I shall have no more suffering!

Chorus: And so I ask myself this: why we are together? This is worse than stormy weather. You'd think I'd know better, than to put my trust in his hands. He demands, and I respond, not in the way I should. I'm stronger without him, yet I remain here in this misery.

Verse 3: Yet now I know better. God and Jesus are the constant, and the man is naught but a variable.

He will always change, but They are just always and forever.

They will hold me up, in my darkest times, and I will honor Them with more and more of these rhymes. Until my faith is proclaimed, to be righteous completely.

I want to be the best I can.

And for that, I don't need any man, to tell me who I should be.

It's God who controls my destiny.

No longer is it in my hands, now I do what the Lord commands.

Be strong in faith, and never surrender my happiness. He gave it, and only He can take it, so these words I sing, because it's so obvious, I now know, by Him I am blessed.

Why is my heart steeped in this misery? I thought the pain had fled, but thinking that, tis madness, complete and total insanity.

The good never does last, the bad always comes back. I'm never free from the past, it always sees fit to attack.

Why do my eyes leak infinitely with tears? I thought I was strong, but I've grown so much weaker over the years.

Why can't I find an honest, loving man? I'm lost while I seek true love, trying to do the best that I can.

I'm succeeding where I once failed before. My dreams are coming true, yet passing by at the same time, no longer is learning some chore.

I desperately am seeking this wisdom openly, and I think I'm free, hopefully this is correct. When I'm done fighting the fear of failure, I'll start out by being the best version of me. Just know, I haven't given up yet.

Horrendous images, flashing through my mind, my heart filled with dread and loss at the sight.

I hate this dream. It's tearing apart my carefully sewn together sanity.

I'm lost in a haze of angry thoughts, worried by what my eyes see, praying it's not true.

I wake up, heart pounding, my body shaking with fear.

It wasn't real, I tell myself. It didn't happen.

With dread filling my soul, I fall back asleep, only to dream something good and pure. Something so different from what I witnessed before. I wake up smiling this time, assured that the former didn't happen, feeling better about the nightmare that stole my peace, that ruined my happiness.

I'm feeling better about it now, but at the time it terrified me completely. It made me very sad, tears threatening to spill from my mournful eyes, my soul shattering into a million separate pieces.

I was so hurt by this. No one should ever have to see such things. I pray I never see it again for the rest of my life.

Peace is a work in progress. It's not achieved overnight. If we want this world to be peaceful, we must stop with the violence. End the wars, bring the troops home, create love instead of hate. We must try to realize that God created every single one of us, and He gave us a purpose, a destiny to fulfill. Jesus went to the Cross, while he was without sin, and died for the entire human race! That's a great sacrifice. You have to trust in God, that he knows what path is right for you. You have to keep Jesus in your heart always, through good and bad times. No matter what you're going through, trust me, someone else is having a worse day. You aren't the only person on this planet. There are billions of us, and if we want this planet to be the best it can be, we need to be better people, better citizens, better parents, better siblings, better children and grandchildren. Let our generation be the one to end violence. #nomorehate #love #God #Jesus #Christian

Feel me in every beat of your heart.

Feel me in the steps you take, even though we are apart.

Feel me with the smile you give.

Feel me in each moment you live.

Feel me with each breath you breathe.

Feel me with everything you believe.

Feel me like you'll always love only me.

Feel me when the chains are holding you, when you don't feel free.

Feel me with each action you take.

Feel me when you think your heart is about to break.

Feel me resting on your shoulder, when you think you are alone.

Feel me near you always, even when I'm gone.

Feel me every second, every minute, every hour of the day.

Feel me when you're mad, and don't know what to say.

Feel me when your hope is lost, and your mind is in turmoil.

Feel me with every heartbeat, each time your blood does boil.

Feel me in all that, and I'll feel you in the same.

Because no matter where you are, or where I'm at, you'll always have my last name.