The Girl in the Mirror, I see her every morning, every night. She's what they see. She's the perfect daughter. The smart, responsible, well-behaved student. A great friend, no one seems to dislike her. She stares back at me, a faraway look, longing perhaps... but more sad. Her mouth shows a smile, the pretty little smile that everyone wants to see. But her eyes give everything away. If only someone looked a little deeper... a little further, if only someone found bothered to scratch beneath the surface, they would see a very different person.

They would see how imperfect she was. Every flaw. Every thought, every idea, a different side of her. They would see how she breaks every night, studying through the night, doing her best to perfect her grades for her parents approval. They would see how alone she feels, how she feels no one really understands her. How she thinks people only want to see the perfect Her. No one sees the tears. No one sees the anxiety. No one sees the nail-biting, the shaking knees, the constant little nervous ticks. She fears that someone will see it.

She fears someone will see it, and that no one will accept her anymore.

So before she steps out, she puts on the smile, and hopes no one sees the tears she has wiped away.

No one usually does.

There are so many things i could say to you. You've always been there for me. You always support me. I don't know what i would do with out you. Your friendship means so much to me, you have no idea. I feel like i dont express that as much as i should. How amazing you are. How wonderful you are. How much your company and advice means to me. How much each of our conversations mean to me. i know it might take a while before you say it back to me, and thats ok. I'll always say it though, I love you. You're my best friend and I couldn't ask for anyone better to be my friend. I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world.

happy national best friend day. :)

at first it's just a smile

but soon

that same smile

its not just a smile

they smile

and a warm feeling fills you up

like drinking a cup of hot cocoa or tea

on a snowy winter day

wrapped in a blanket near the fireplace

that nice

comfortable

warm.

like home.

or how their prescence at first was just that,

a prescence.

just a being taking up space

but now

being near them

its like feeling the sun on your skin after weeks of rain

it's all these feelings that fill you up when you're near them or they do something

how you feel your face warm when you talk to them

the slight nervousness

or maybe not slight at all

your sweaty palms

messing with your hair

all those things

and one day

while you're talking to them

or when you see them smile

you just know

you just know you're in love

it's just the little things

take the risk.

dont regret it.

Why?

because

We are bound to get hurt in Life

i know I've been hurt.

we're bound to fail at some point

and there's always going to be a moment when you feel like you hit rock bottom

but some time people forget

that when you hit the bottom.... there's only one way to go.

and that's up.

so take a risk because

having that experience that i wouldve never had if I hadn't taken a risk isnt worth missing out on

because sometimes it's worth getting hurt.

you may think I'm crazy, being open to getting hurt and all

but

its

because I treasure those experiences

because i learn

Because i will grow

I will become a better person from those experiences, good or bad

so instead of sayin, "I shouldn't have done that."

I'll say, "What did I learn?"

"How will I grow as a person from this?"

You can always work to change your mindset and think to take the risk

maybe they'll break you heart

maybe you'll get rejected

maybe you'll say "I should've done that this way"

but from there you take that experience

learn from your mistake

learn from it whether it was a positive or negative experience

learn from so that if there's ever a next time you do better

do it to give some advice to a first timer

they'll remember you for the advice

Instead of labelling something as good or bad, let's label it by what we learned from it

so that is why i have no regrets in life. Because I can always learn and do better in the future, and you can too.

If hearts could be hidden.... perhaps I'd hide mine and bury it deep.

why?

because of these complicated feelings towards you.

I’ve known you for almost two years. We were merely casual friends but now we’re closer. We were talking about high school, just a casual conversation. You mentioned being “fascinated by technology and space”, ever since 4th grade you said. Then I started to wonder. Did you look up at the stars one night and wonder what lay beyond them? Or perhaps were you entranced by their shine or their endless numbers? Or were you sitting in class one day, maybe school had never interested you, but then your teacher began to talk about space. Maybe then something sparked your interest. Maybe then you sat up straight in your chair, maybe even leaned in a little to listen. Perhaps space was so vast and infinite and beautiful to you. Or maybe everything school related had always come easy to you, because I know you’re very smart, and then you learned about space, and had so many questions that it intrigued you. You just wanted to know more and more about it and it simply fascinated you as you said before.

But then I got to wondering, I didn’t know you liked space, what else don’t I know about you? It really only made me more curious about you than I already was. I want to ask you about everything, know your dreams, your aspirations, your fears. I want to know if there’s anything that you guard with your heart. I suddenly just want to know everything about you. Even the small things. You told me stories of your life, small details things that maybe other people don’t know. But when you told me these stories I would feel special and closer to you. Because when you told it I felt you. The genuine, raw you, your many layers of mystery uncovering themselves, even if just for a second. Your face lit up a little as you told it. Because this story was a different side of you, not the crazy outgoing side I always saw. But perhaps a more gentle and caring you in the stories.

There’s many mysteries to you now that I think about it. I just wish I could work up the courage to ask you about it and just know more about you. I’ve always been intrigued by you. Right from day one when I approached you and simply asked you how you were doing. Ever since then you pulled in my attention. As time went on I tried to convince myself that I didn’t like you, that I wasn’t falling for you. So I talked to other guys but none of them struck my interest like you did. Not in this way. Because with others I could talk with them and find out more about them but there was just something about you that was different. And I just couldn’t figure you out. Half a year passed and I couldn’t deny anything any longer. A couple months passed without seeing you and I tried to rid my mind of you but I just couldn’t. We’d text occasionally and I tried to think nothing of it. I knew when I saw you after all that time though, I knew then that I couldn’t help it and I had indeed fallen for you. I had asked how your summer had gone, we had a short conversation but my heart had never felt like this before.

I’ve had crushes before. But not like this. This isn’t just a crush, I think it’s something more and I really hate that. I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. I know in the end you’ll break my heart. I know that my ideas and delusions are simply my wild imagination, about to get me trouble, and just hurt myself. I don’t know what to do. I know we’re better as friends is it wrong of me to want something more? To wish for a chance, to wish that we could be a thing? Something beautiful i hoped. I don’t know what to make of these feelings, I want to tell someone and I so desperately want advice. I’m so conflicted i dont know if i want you back or if this is just some sort of after feeling that I’ll get over, I just dont know. I wish i could muster the courage to get it out, these feelings are building up inside of me. I dont even know what i feel anymore. I just wanna let it out. But i dont know how this time. I can usually talk about things easily, why is it so hard this time?

Why are feelings so hard? I just want a straight answer but at the same time im so fucking scared of that answer because i know that if i am really in love with you then I know im screwed. Because i know you’ll only break my heart in the end. But what can i do? Perhaps this will be a lesson for this heart of mine. Maybe that way I’ll tread more carefully and perhaps not fall for someone like this again. I just want to let go of you. And i cant. And that angers me so much. I hate you and i like you a lot you make my heart flutter and your stupid smile makes me smile and i hate that. So you see, who could I even tell about this? I just sound so petty. I probably am being petty i dont know. I dont know anything anymore.

so that is why

why my heart would be hidden

i know in most places people have to be in quarantine and a bunch of stuff is closing down and there's not much to do so I decided to write about my dear friends

I miss you all so

so

so

much.

every single one of you

i miss meeting up at the library afterschool

our talks there and how much we'd laugh

the stupid things we'd come up with.

I miss our classes

sitting by you guys

trying to pay attention in class

but not being able to

because we'd bottle up our laughter until our stomachs hurt

i miss sitting together at lunch, then walking on the track, where sometimes the latest gossip would spill

jeez.

i just miss seeing you guys in the hallways

where we'd wave at each other

"HEY!!" We'd yell and frantically wave

sometimes even calling each other out

by the...

embarassing nicknames...

i miss you guys in general

just talking with you guys

us teasing each other

our inside jokes

i smile thinking of them

i know we joke and say

that we're each other's reasons for losing our sanity

but

i think you guys are the only ones keeping me sane

I miss you all so so much

This whole quarantine thing is crazy, what do y'all miss most?

did you take anything for granted before that you realize now? I know i took seeing my friends for granted now i text them everyday but I miss seeing them and actually talking to them so much

I don't know how long it's been.

I lost track of the time after the second week. Life is brutal here. I feel myself at the end though. The pain in my body. Not just physically. i feel my self close. Close to the light.

The only reason I'm here is because I joined that rebellion. I thought I could be something. Do something bigger. But all I did was make it worse. I always thought The Community was perfect. That was how they raised us. We're safe here.

they told us

That there were monsters outside the borders.

That the borders kept us safe.

But someone got the wrong idea. Started spreading the word. That The Community was manipulative. Taking advantage of us, whom they called their precious workers.

I believed them though. I joined their rebellion.

maybe they were right.

maybe they were wrong.

whatever the case

here i was.

Alone.

Out in the Streets.

Hungry.

Weak.

Hurt.

I laugh when I recall them telling us that we were "safe". Because the real monsters lived within. Not outside the borders. They didn't like the ideas we spread so they put me here. Us here.

But I am so weak.

I don't remember my last meal.

I don't remember my family or even the meaning of having a home.

in this place, they broke me. Beat the human out of me. Because now apparently I was not fit to live in The Community. I had disrupted the Order.

A great crime.

Shameful.

And they had to make it clear that it was not tolerated

I barely remember who I am.

Or my name.

I look at my hands. Scratched and bruised. My pinky missing. My nails uneven. From my stubbornness and my attempts at escaping.

I laugh.

All I remember is pain.

The agony.

I remember the screams.

His screams.

I remember holding him

How he clinged on for life.

How his eyes closed and his chest stopped rising.

I remember my screams.

My sore throat

My eyes dry from so many tears.

Now here I sit. Out in the cold rain

In the mud

All dirty and broken

I guess they achieved what the wanted

I let myself fall completely to the ground. My arms seeped in mud

the rain dripping down me and on my face. The rain sometimes tracing down my scars.... the deeper ones mostly.

I hear so much all around me.

faint screams and tears.

I hear my own

But they sound so distant

as if I was listening to myself from elsewhere

maybe it's because it's not me anymore

maybe because they managed to break me

so I closed my eyes

and thought of nothing

Took a deep breath in, and out. But not again.

This writing topic came up in school, and I thought I'd share my thoughts... what do you guys think a world without boundaries would be like? I've seen many different perspectives on this topic. Here's mine,

A world without boundaries... to me, there is a lot of possibilities surrounding this topic. There's so many “what ifs” and maybes that I am unsure where to start.

One thing I am certain of though, is that the world would be a better place.

In my language arts class, we read a book called “Monster”, it was about a boy who faced the unfair prison system, racial profiling and racial injustice. We had many discussions about the book. Most of which surrounding racial injustice. Speaking about this topic and hearing my classmate's stories about injustice that they had seen only made me think more about the topic of injustice. All over the world we can see injustice. Not just racially but in everything. Gender, Sexual Orientation, Religion, in education, in our government.

Why should the color of our skin define who we are- because of a stereotype that says we are all criminals or gangsters? The actions of other people of my same race should not define MY actions.

Why should the gender of who I love matter- because it is simply “wrong”? We can love who we want, we should not be looked down upon simply because of who we love. Why is it wrong to want to love who I want?

Why am I looked down upon, just because I am a woman? In what way does that make me lower than men? Are we not all equal, capable of the same things?

There is injustice all over the world, yet I see no major work trying to solve these issues. When we pass the boundary of the ignorance of people, when we overcome the boundary of selfishness, that is when we abolish the injustices.

“What is a world without boundaries?”, you ask.

“A peaceful world” I will respond.

A world in which suffering is abolished, where there is no poverty. A world where we put each other before our differences. At the end of the day we are made of the same thing. We each have a beating heart. Every single one of us has our own dreams and aspirations. We each face our own challenges and ghosts of our past.

We will always have our differences. In Michael Jackson’s song, Man in the Mirror he says, “And no message could have been any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change”

Change starts with us. If we want that world, that world without boundaries, then we have to take down these walls that we built – racism, sexism, inequality, every injustice.

There will always be dark in the world, but it is up to us if we let that darkness overcome us. There is no telling to what we can achieve if we work together, but to get to that we must get rid of the boundaries that separate us. And then, and only then, can we achieve that peace, that world without boundaries.

I dont really know if it's a crush... or maybe just admiration for him, maybe just a strong desire to be his friend to be honest. I'm not sure.

But I do know that I've finally found someone to compete with my bad puns.

he makes me laugh and smile, and really that's just enough.

hes funny

hes kind

so maybe a crush.

maybe it'll develop Into one

and if it does I'd be ok with that

because I love that he makes me laugh, and jokes with me like he would with any of his other friends, not treating me any differently or acting any different around me. Just being himelf

and i love that.

I gave you my heart

i wanted to give you everything and more

but those weren't your plans

i once saw that "a man says "the last thing i want to do is hurt you" but it's still on the list huh? "

i guess I didn't want to believe it.

because i still continued to fall deeper in love with you.

every conversation

every message

every glance

i felt myself fall for you more

i was just digging a deeper hole for myself

so when you decided you were done

you gave back my heart but it was in a million pieces.

My heart will never be the same, it's true.

i had to crawl my way out of that hole

everything bruised and scarred

but from these scars you left on my heart i grow

i learn.

i guard my heart.

and every look at you is a memory of what i was willing to do for love for you, and it only makes me think, that I'll give my love to someone who deserves it.

Im stronger

i wont fall for a player

You were the fire in my heart that burned it to ashes.

but like a pheonix

i

rise

from

the

ashes