I sought to find out what's wrong with me.

Internal battles and depersonalized feelings,

I don't feel real.

Ever since adolescence,

I questioned my very existence, my purpose.

I might ask myself, "Who am I?"

I can't remember much, is my body protecting me?

Can I be saved? Do I long for protection and a savior?

One does not exist.

People laugh, but I look at my reflection as if I were a stranger.

I can't remember my own appearance until I look in the mirror.

Who am I?

I think I'm lost.

Anxious and tired.

Feet sore of the same cycle.

Same habits every day.

Am I a robot,

Or a real human?

I feel haunted and not by any spirits. I feel haunted by things I could have said and things I could have done. My brain repeats events over and over until I can't bear to think about them anymore. Why am I so fixated on the past? Why can't I move on? Something is holding me back, but I don't know anymore.

I miss the autumn leaves,

The cool winds and warm sweaters,

Enjoying hot soup and crackers,

Football games, knitted blankets,

Summer much too hot for my comfort,

Autumn, won't you come faster?

There are times and times again when we feel down like the world is against us. These are times when we have to fight back. This time, I forced myself to fight back against my low mood and lack of motivation. Now I feel like I can finally be released from the shackles of depression and focus on my writing.

At the end of January, I landed myself in a room in the ICU around 5 in the morning. I took a nap prior and did my homework until I got a violent urge to throw up. This continued from 2 AM to 5 AM and I realized I couldn't solve this pain on my own. At 5:45, I remember forcing myself to swallow my pride and call my college's Public Safety to take me to the nearest hospital. I laid in that hospital bed, my abdomen in agony, unable to cry. At first, I thought this would pass and then I could go to sleep for class, that I had food poisoning and it was just excruciatingly painful this time. Turns out I was suffering from severe dehydration, resulting in my body rejecting food, water, and medication. Everything that went down came back up within seconds. Every time I threw up, it feel like I was getting rid of my stomach acid. In reality, I was. I hadn't had food or water for an entire day because my body struggled to keep anything down.

The night shift nurses were so helpful and tried to make my experience as painless as possible but it was so painful I felt like I was dying. Severe dehydration is pure agony and I have a high pain tolerance. That abdominal pain was the worst thing I've ever encountered in my life. They hooked me up to an IV for about six hours and my body shivered from the fluids entering my vein. One thing that bothers me about this is that my doctor asked me if I was my natural weight. It took me aback because I have a high metabolism so it's hard for me to gain weight. I mean I'm a 20-year-old person who weighs about 90-100 pounds. Who wouldn't be concerned? In this case, I lost weight from repeatedly having my head in the trash can in my dorm room. I ended up missing my two morning classes and having to email my professors about the situation.

I learned a few things after my first ICU experience. One, I need to bring water or another hydrating drink with me when I'm on the move to class. Two, I need to call for help more often instead of suffering alone. And three, I need to start eating breakfast every day.

I can't breathe or focus. Sounds overwhelm me and I feel as if I'm a ticking time bomb. Deep circles sit underneath my eyes. I blame it on studying, but I never sleep before 12 AM. I can't clean my room now. My room was always clean. My set laundry day is Thursday and I haven't done my laundry in a week. I eat almost once a day, in the afternoon or in the evening if I get up from my bed. Almost gets high almost every day, and it's still not enough. I get high to feel the pleasure of happiness I never get to experience. I want to delete these feelings, but no matter what I do, they never go away.