I don't know what to say

or how to say it

but I need to say something.

sitting in the hospital

holding your hand

I couldn't help wondering

how you managed to change the world in a year.

and

I guess I'm not saying it right

but everyone lives

in their own little world.

to change the world,

not everyone needs to know your name.

not everyone has to know what you did.

but, N, you touched us all.

you changed lives.

you changed your family's

you changed your teacher's

you changed your friend's.

I was reminded of this today

as we celebrated your life.

fifteen years

isn't a long time

but your fifteen years?

you have made an impact.

fifteen years

is millions of smiles

fifteen years

is thousands of laughs

fifteen years

is hundreds of arguments won.

I sat there remembering

your unruly hair

and your unforgettable smile

but most of all, I realized

how much you meant to all of us.

I got a year with you

I don't know why

but I will always be greatful for that year.

As I spoke to A today

we discussed how

it never took long for you to make an impact.

and

I guess I just want to thank you

for yours.

Thank you N,

for changing my world.

a little black box

plus a few thousand miles

puts space between us

as a network

of beautiful people

closes the gap.

I’d say

serendipity

brought us together.

what are the chances

that we are such close friends?

what odds

were defied

to bring us together?

in all honesty

I was scared

by expectations

mine

and yours

and yet

here we are.

I feel

l feel I know you

not as well as some

but better than most.

what do I know?

I know

that you care

I know

that people are everything

I know

that you have a beautiful

beautiful soul

and I know

that you are

a lot

like

me.

two thousand forty one miles between us,

and a limited

hollow

little black box

that is anything

but empty.

that's the word

that comes to mind

when i think of you.

you smile

and laugh

about everything.

your happiness

is contagious

and I love

to see

you smile.

you seem

too look for the good

in everything

and when i put myself down

and when my face holds a frown

you make it your purpose

to turn it around.

i am so glad

for the pleasure i have

of seeing your happy

every day

and i am so glad

for the pleasure

of making you happy

every day.

i love you, my friend

you always are there

i would do anything for you.

so when your face has a frown

and you're feeling down

come talk to me.

i want to turn it around!

I have never had a sister

but I met you through yours.

you were sitting

and smiling

that warm smile of yours,

the first of many to make a dark day

just a bit brighter,

and you reached out to me.

The table near the door

our similarities

and our love for music

brought us together

and as our paths merged

my admiration for your beautiful soul

grew larger and larger.

you lifted me up

and you made me better.

I knew

and I know

that you are there for me

and that I can trust you

always.

and I want you to know

that I am here for you

and that you can trust me

always.

we always laugh and joke,

seeing double,

and I hope it never stops

but now

now I hope you know

that though we bleed different blood

and our paths have only intertwined recently

you get two of us.

te amo por siente, mi hermana.

do you remember?

lunchtime

brought us together

and with me

came the tortilla chips

and the homeade guacamole.

i offered it to you

because i had a lot

and that is what friends do.

and you,

like a true friend,

saved me some.

how considerate.

thank you, for saving me

NO chips

but a BUCKETLOAD

of untouched guacamole.

oh, man, i love you, ya dork.

what is the point of that

you may ask?

well, you see,

you have left me

so

so

much more

than guacamole.

you left me

an example

of how to be amazing

and how to love myself.

you left me

a bit more enthusiasm

for everything you love.

you left me

with advice

that gave me hope

and helped me work through a lot

(and I don’t mean lick it)

you even left me

feeling loved

on a day that felt like the world was ending.

did you know that?

you still help me.

you help me motivate myself

and do things that

I

really

don’t

want

to

do.

you help me see the beauty

in everything

and in everyone.

you are really good at that.

so thank you,

thank you,

thank you,

for leaving me with so much more

than a bucket of guacamole.

thank you

for leaving me a friend

who I wouldn’t trade

for the world.

i met you

in an english classroom.

appropriate, no?

we bonded

over our love for the expression

that language allows us

sharing stories

fiction

and nonfiction

from across the desks.

now, words seem to have failed me

as i try to express

the love i feel for you

my friend

you showed me

many of my favorites:

favorite books

favorite songs

and even favorite people,

that i have today.

you taught me

to do the impossible

“walking on frozen water with knives attached to my feet”

holding my freezing hands

and steadying my shaky mess of an attempt

until i could skate

without killing myself or anyone else in the proccess.

you made me

love queen even more

where bohemian rhapsody

became a bit of an anthem

screamed in pouring rain

on ice skates

and on empty stages.

you dowsed me

with seemingly hundreds

of perfumes.

you sang with me

playing your guitar

and singing with bone-microphones.

and you loved me

when i couldn’t love myself.

i trust you.

you helped me

and were there for me

when i told you

things i had never told anyone.

you offered your hand

and your understanding.

i admire you.

you are one of

the strongest i know.

and you might not think so,

yet you are here.

you are alive.

i know that you understand me

and i know that i could tell you

anything.

i love you.

i love you to the stars

and back

and i want you to know

that i am here for you.

i will be there

to steady your hands

like you steadied mine

while gliding over ice

and I will be there

to take the weight

off of your shoulders.

i know

that i can’t do everything

but the things i can do

i will do.

i may not know all of you

but i do know

i do know that i love all of you.

all of you.

Now, as I try to express

my love for you

the words that we have bonded over

dont seem adequate

for my emotions.

“I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.”

― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

I miss you already

though you’re not gone.

but are you?

what kind of life are you living

where all you need to do to end it

is pull a plug?

I guess I will see you again

someday

but this world will be missing a peice

forever more.

you

my friend

have made an impact.

who else could leave one smiling through tears

because their toothy grin is contagious

even when they’re gone?

you did

and I thank you for that.

Oh, my dear friend,

I miss you already.

the shuffle of cards

white earbuds and lipsync

expressions of mock disgust

roar

a smile as big as your jaunty personality

Unruly black hair

loud laughter and debate

even outside of class

an endless fight against gravity

and picking up trash on a rainy day

hands freezing

and cheeks pink

monolouges

crinkled paper

and a million dreams

long winded explainations

and exuberhant, exaggerated hand gestures

stolen calculaters and borrowed paper

he never did break his promise

every sheet was returned

leaning over the desk

all smiles, he says

“you know how we’ve always been besties?”

Maybe not

but if I could do it all over again

I would be.

Maybe we weren’t as close as most

but anyone who knew you

for any time at all

knew you were going places

knew you were

are

amazing.

You won’t be forgotten

and you will always be loved

but now that the brightest star has flickered out,

what comes next?

i wish you were here

i wish you weren’t hurting

i wish i could’ve known you better

i wish you didn’t feel this was the best solution

i wish you didn’t have too go through this

i wish i could take the pain away

i wish there was something i could do

or something i could’ve done

i wish it didn’t have to end this way

i wish that wishing was enough

but wishing won’t undo what’s already been done.

Lunchtime means nothing

when everything’s new

I stumble down hallways

knowing not what to do

familiar faces are countries away

my hands are clenched up

and my feet won’t obey

I meet different people

but no one feels right

like trying to see

in the middle of night

the path is unclear

but the journey starts now

like chasing a rainbow

gone behind clouds

don’t know how it happened

and I never will

but I found my own people

who awe me still

they taught me so much

they cleared out the haze

we spent time together

on good and bad days

we shared smiles and jokes

and sorrow and pain

our table was family

through sun and through rain

now lunchtime means something

and I skip down the hall

as I realize they’ll be there

to answer my call

and even if distance

is countries away

this friendship I’ve got here

always will stay

the journey was worth it

the heat and the cold

at the end of the rainbow

is my pot of gold.