You feel like you are seeing life from the bottom of an abyss. There is no color, no joy. All is bleak. Gray. Dark. You spend hours a day locked inside yourself to have enough energy to smile for those who need you to be thus. But you cry in your car. And in the shower. Whenever you are alone.

You will feel like this for a long time. But then one day, you will not. You will reach the depths of despair with a blade in your hand and a silent scream in your throat and you will dig deep and stay the hand and loose the scream.

And then you will begin anew. But better.

Hold on.

Hello Me in 1950,

There is so much in store for you, you have no idea of.

A president is assasinated, another resigns, we go into a long war, telephones

become ten-digit numbers, and zip codes expand. There is this thing

called the Internet now that can send messages in the blink of an eye.

And it can take you places only dreamed of, or ... it can help with

practically anything. Your current phone will become a history lesson

and trust me ... obsolete. You will be able to carry your phone in your pocket

and even take pictures with it.

That TV you have, the one with three channels and rabbit ears?

Today you can get hundreds, half of which no one watches.

And movies, where they cost fifty-cents to watch at the theater?

They have streaming channels now. You never have to leave home.

We go into Space, land on the moon, and a Wall comes tumbling down letting the world know freedom can ring true. We suffer the magic of Mother Nature with countless floods, tornados and hurricanes, but we bounce back, survive and rebuild.

Clothing fashion changes like you wouldn't believe, car prices

skyrocket from a $2000 car then, to $18,000 plus now. Fast food almost

becomes the new normal. Penny candy is about $1.99 for a small bag.

Yes, a lot of changes coming your way. Far too many to put in this letter.

Will there be heartache? Of course. The world cannot survive without it,

the same as it cannot survive without love and compassion.

You will go to war but come home and with many mixed

emotions why you went in the first place.

You will lose that treasured gift, virginity.

But not to worry, it isn't painful.

You will fall in love at least twice in your life,

both leaving you with beautiful memories.

You will struggle somewhat, but you aren't alone,

for we all struggle, just some more than others.

You will have two careers: teacher, and cook.

Those you have loved will pass away.

After all, we all do eventually. You will mourn, but you will move on.

You have to or you are only a walking dead person inside your skin.

One day, you will retire.

Each day is yours alone to do with as you please.

Make sure you make the most out of them.

You will live through one of the direst of times around the world ... Covid-19,

a deadly disease ravaging hundreds of thousands of lives. It will be a time

of both fear and resolve. It will seem all you have done before, can no longer

be done the same way. You just have to be smart in how you cope.

And I cannot say for certain, but me being you,

you might fall in love again.

If I do, as an older you, I will write you again.

There is more, much more, but this gives you an idea.

Many new friends will walk through your life. Treasure them.

I would ask you to write me back,

but right now, you are only three.

P.S. Save your forty-five's and 331/3 albums, trading cards and comic books.

One day they will be valuable.

See you when you get here.

**********

(Artistic rendition depicting Chester, PA where I was born and raised.

Times have dramatically changed since then.)

All the days you live in fear, you will forget. I know at times it will feel like that is every day, and at that time, you think you will never be able to forget the fear. The face of it, the smell of it, the ache of it. But you will. The days you remember are the ones in which you live.

You know those moments. You know those moments. When your heart feels as if will burst through your chest but not from anxiety, from happiness! At first, there aren't a lot of moments like that. And you will struggle a lot to find and keep the happy in your life. Time and again you will push away the blissful moments, those who bring you involuntary smiles, laughter and peace because you don't believe you deserve these things.

It will be more than a decade that you struggle but life will have its way with you, because you're just not meant to despair forever. You will walk a path of healing, of growth, self-discovery and love. You will hold hands, gaze into the souls of and exchange hearts with so many beautiful people. You will write your truth, and it will save your life.

You will become more beautiful than you ever thought you could be. There will be amazing people who cycle in and out of your life, and someday, I believe, you will find someone who will cycle in and not want to cycle back out. Someone who will be a permanent hand to hold, soul to dance with and keeper of your heart. Hopefully ten years from now, I can write me all about him.

For now though, I can tell you the future is a beautiful place. You created a life of struggle for yourself, being you, and that's okay. Because beautiful does not mean easy. But 90% of your beauty comes from your strength. So go ahead and get knocked down, you will be so much stronger when you get back up.

Oh, and you are so very loved.

Always,

Mee

It will get better.

I know you don’t believe me right now, but you’ll see eventually. Because I know what rock-bottom feels like, and you haven’t even been there yet. You haven’t yet experienced what it’s like to be shattered to pieces on the rocks and the feeling of your soul being ripped to shreds.

You haven’t felt the gnawing despair of that deep, starless chasm. The frantic search for the smallest ray of hope and coming up dry and empty. The answerless echo of your desperate pleas for help. The way the loneliness seems to swallow you up.

I’m not saying this to frighten you. I’m saying this because I want you to fully know the darkness so that you can fully appreciate the light that comes after.

Because it will come.

You haven’t yet seen the depth of endless night.

But you also haven’t yet seen the breathtaking view of the sun breaking over the horizon. It begins gradually, slowly, so slowly you’re not even sure it’s happening. Then, the warm, golden light starts to pour into your being, repairing your broken soul and piecing together the shattered bits of your heart.

It’s agonizing, this exquisite healing. It’s heart-wrenching for a time. But then, it’s not.

The relief comes, and then the stillness of peace. The knowing that you’ve come out on the other side. At what point it happened, you can’t tell for sure. You only know that you’re there. Alive. Stronger than before.

And it’s beautiful. Glorious. A dream that you are sure you’ll wake up from.

But you pinch yourself, and find that you’re already awake.

Strive for better. Treat yourself better, you will feel better, you will attract better, then you’ll receive better. It all starts with you.

Never rely on others to make you happy, never assign that much power to someone else, they will only disappoint. Strive to make yourself happy regardless of circumstances. It all starts with you.

Realise your potential by knowing yourself . Find out what you like, what you love, what you’re good at and stick to those things, don’t let peer pressure , or the need to be liked, lead you astray. It all starts with you.

You’re on a journey but I’ll be with you every step of the way, so keep going. There will be tough times but remember it starts with you and the only way out is through...

See you on the other side.

Peace X

A message from your higher self.

I see you.

29.

Heart empty.

Hands full of babies.

Wondering will you ever love again.

Hiding red eyes.

Hiding the wet pillow.

Berated constantly.

If you had cooked...

If you were thinner….

If you were a better mom...

If you took your head out of the sand…

But it gets better

At 33 you find your dream job.

At 34 you buy your first house.

At 35 you meet the true love of your life.

On the cusp of 40 you’re living the life,

you only dreamed possible.

I know you're hurting.

Believe me

I do

You're hurting

And

You want it to

Stop

You'll do anything to make it

Stop

But first

Let me say this

"I love you"

This hasn't been said to you in a while

I love you I love you I love you

I love you I love you

I love you

I need you to hear these words

And not just hear,

I need you to Listen

Know them

And carry them always

I know you feel alone

I know feel unloved

And I'm sorry that you're so

Unhappy

I'm not going to tell you that life isn't hard

(because it is)

And that you'll always be happy

(because you won't)

But I'm here

- I will always be here

And I will always love you

I promise to love you no matter what

Even when I don't like you that much

I still love you

To my former self I say,

The struggles will never cease.

The heartbreaks will never go away.

Hardships only to increase.

The pain is here to stay.

You want to hear that things get better,

But to tell you so would be a lie.

Don’t let your pain become your fetters,

But let it be your guide.

Or you may as well have never met her.

Time will leave you callused and scarred.

Leave signs of struggle without and within.

Your features will be scourged and marred.

And you’ll be left with thicker skin.

Your damages will be your guard.

Dear Dumbass from 10 years ago,

You will not graduate in all black. You will not major in music. You will not get your first phone until you are the wallball champion. You will not love beef forever and ever. You will not learn how to study. You will not use your summers wisely.

You will graduate with high honors. You will help expand a major in which you will basically become famous enough. You will buy your own cell phones and realize glass screen protectors are supreme. You will learn to eat potatoes and broccoli. You will be a talented procrastinator. You will sacrifice your summers because I'm not giving you a choice.

The day will come when you speak English perfectly. You will control your accent, and learn mimicry. You will know how to spell all the ei and ie words. You will have a signature that strongly resembles that of a randomly selected responsible parent or a guardian. You will reread the dictionary twice because you forgot what the word "deadpan" meant.

You will grow up with technology but not the slightest interest in using it. You will take notes by hand because formatting is a formality for other people. You will disdainfully do math in pencil from a recycling bin blue Pentel Twist Erase 0.5 hoping your teacher would trust you to do geometry in ink. You will have a red 0.7 just for show. You will exclusively write with Pilot G2, Uniball Vision Elite, Pilot Precise v5, and dollar store gel pens given that all of them are 1.0 thick or .7 at the very minimum.

You will fill notebooks of bullshit and you'll become obsessed with index cards. You'll take six sexy years of math and it will be extremely worth it (except for integrated 2). You will understand that some people are more evil when they are dumber. You will master the art of the ponytail.

You will become a killer. You will become a bully. You will become a chef. You will become your truest self.

You will be tasked by people who do not understand your world to: adapt to Common Core (business preparation), reverse climate change damage (methane and Costco water bottles), understand statistics (n/a), have a social life, and 31 other impossible tasks.

I am at number 26 on the list: >Relax

It doesn't get better. We live in a broken world of decay that will slowly and surely wear you down. You will have health issues that get worse as the years pass. You will lose people who are near and dear to you along the way. As you grow older you will more plainly see the insanity of the mob, the hypocrocy of leaders, and the sheer stupidity of the uninformed. You will continuously grow weary as the days drag on until, one day, you will long for the exit from this world. You will, however; endure it all, because you will find joy in the little things and in the ones you love. You will hold fast to memories that are precious, friends who are dear, and hope that springs eternal. There will be moments that you ask yourself if it is all worth it, and you will endure. There will be moments the world will make you sad to be a member of the human race, and you will endure. There will be moments you feel ready to depart, and you will indure.

It doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier, but YOU WILL ENDURE.