Sometimes, I am happy, genuinely happy. Happy where I laugh. Like last night. I was facetiming my boyfrined before I had to go eat. And I don't eeven know what was so funny but we only facetimed for 5 minutes before I had to go and I laughed the entire time. And I don't know why. I'm laughing just thinking about it now. Every time I'd start to calm down and go to look at him, I'd laugh again. My stomach was hurting and I had tears in my eyes and I couldn't breathe. My lungs felt as though I'd filled them with lit matches and yet the feeling was pleasant.

Sometimes I'm mad, like furious and ready to throw things. I wasn't taught paitience, I was taught that when I'm seeing red it's okay to throw things and hit others... After all, my parents did it to me, so isn't it okay? Despite being taught that I haven't hit someone out of anger (other than as a young child) and the last time I threw something at someone was a few months ago after my brother called me a liar when I had said I was awake reading. I was furious that morning. Before that time I hadn't thrown something out of anger since I was 12 and got mad at my parents. That time I went to my room to "clean" and shut the door, turned on music really loud and threw stuff at the walls and cussed. But I have been known to get snappy easily when I'm mad... Something I try not to do because it's not fair to others. I was taught my father's temper and I hate it. I want no association with my father.

I walk around holding pain, clutching it to my chest. Knowing I should throw it down but I don't want to... It'd a friend turned foe, but she's the one who's been there when everyone has left. She follows like a lost puppy. I know I need to let her go but I can't. If I let go, will my writing mean something? If I let go, will it cease to be an escape? If I let go, what do I have left when everyone else is gone? How do I let go of pain when the very center of my pain lives with me, when the center of my pain is the one who controls nearly every aspect of my life until I can move out?

But there's hope in my mind. One day, I'll move out.... Get away from my abusers. I'll be free. And this place, will burn to ashes when I'm gone. They'll have no one to put all the responsibilities on. And when I leave, I'm not coming back. Ever. And that... that gives me hope.

In a world filled with so many perils

It's good to sit down and reflect a bit.

To think about the tiny things-the cardinal I saw eat from the feeder

Then I take a glimpse of the clear blue sky

And I feel as if I could fly

My spirits are high as I turn to admire the horse trollop by

And then that curly headed child says aloud:

I love you so much.

This brings to mind what is best.

The things that make me happiest-

Not things and games and toys for humans

But life and breath and Earth's beauty in creation.

It’s not something I remember all the way,

Or I remember easily, 

I know there was an old wooden cross,

Planted in the sand,

And the trees crowded around it

Until the sun set,

And shown through the trembling leaves,

And casting the shadow along

The benches where we sat.

I know after our stuffy, nine-hour long car drive

That I ran across the coloring sand

In my boxy, mint green dress.

And I tugged it up just enough so the hem

Didn’t get wet,

But the waves would leave bubbles between my toes.

I know I made a candle by dipping a long string into pots,

Of colored wax.

I was so excited by the rings of color at the end,

The orange, purple and pink,

That I kept dipping until,

The base was as big as my fist.

This didn’t make the craft lady happy,

Who scolded me more than once.

But I knew I was right,

Because my candle didn’t fall apart,

Like she said it would.

I know I wanted it so badly;

An eraser purple necklace from the gift shop,

My mom caved in and got it for me.

I know that it broke,

Two days later.

I know we played mancala

Outside of a cabin full of dead animals,

Bones and branches.

It was carved into the table

And we used rocks and acorns

As pieces.

I know there was a famous ice cream store

We passed before we came to camp.

It was called Blue Moon,

With a crescent

Flashing neon onto the cars as they passed.

I remember giddily peering through the clear plastic

Onto the tubs of fanciful flavors

I could choose from.

With all the bravery and excitement I could muster,

I picked Blue Moon.

I know we sat outside,

On the sticky, faux-stone benches

Under an umbrella impossible to open.

I know we entered a sand castle contest, 

And it was my job to gather driftwood and feathers

To make our Garden of Eden look real.

I know we sang silly prayers in the big,

Stained café before we got the chance to

Eat until we were full, and sip hot cocoa,

In the middle of summer.

I know one day while I was swimming,

I pooped in my swimsuit,

And without a towel

I waddled the sandy sidewalks

And creaking bridges

To our cabin where Dad was snoring on the couch.

I remember telling him I made a mess

But nothing afterward.

I remember Grandma

Giving my favorite Kitty

In her cabin after we played with puzzles.

Later, I’ll never know how much,

My aunts, Mom and sisters were playing Bingo

With me in the café.

I won, and out of the crate of prizes,

I picked another Kitty

Just like the one Grandma gave me,

Jojo won, 

And got a Kitty with orange and yellow

Stripes.

But after the game ended,

My sister Hannah didn’t win,

And with one sister with two cats,

And one with none,

My mother made me decide

Which one to give up.

Both were black and gray

And both were practically the same,

Except, one was far cuter than the other.

A moral dilemma burgeoned in my

Seven-Year-old mind -

Do I give her the cute one?

Or the ugly one?

I’d appreciate

Kitty, the cute one more – 

I let Hannah have the ugly one.

I know I used the individual

Coffee creamers as milkshakes

For my Kitty.

They kept them in a basket next to the

Coffee machine in the café.

Where kids found silly smiles

In drinking hot cocoa in the middle of summer.

I don’t know why

We can’t go back.

The way Mom and Dad explained it

Had to go with the owner molesting someone?

Or gambling the land away?

I choose to remember the pretty things;

The daddy-long-legs, the inchworms, the woodpecker

Under the bridge.

The red, rusty spigot we fruitlessly tried to spray

Off the sand sticking to our feet.

The hot metal canoe I sat in

As my parents paddled to the picnic.

The chance to sit under that tall cross and

Write while the pastor rambled on about on.

I don’t remember anything else,

Maybe someday.

colors laugh/gold peach lilac please/what ice cream do you want my sweet/kiss your forehead/love you boy/braid your hair/smells nice/mint coconut apple pear lemon lime salty sweet milky cream/catch your breath/catch mine too/clouds hang low/dear, let me sing/sweet melodies/your turn/cobalt sky/nightlight on/hold me, love/I’ll never be gone/dance slowly/move me gently/never let me go/birds sing hearts weep/wind howls breeze leaps/darling sing to me/hum softly/tears swell/you’re mine boy/pull me in/i want to feel your voice/I’m yours/marmalade cream sugar sweet/spin me/sweetheart your zipper’s down/give me your cheek/mwah/all better now don’t cry/look me in my eye/everything’s going to be fine/chocolate cake/love’s letter/seen better/without you no/this one’s fine/lend me your arms/you’ll hold me/never stop to think/just do/sleep tight/see you in the morning/goodnight love/won’t you hold me/surround me/aah/light touch/protect me/calm down/save breath/i‘ll catch it for you/you catch mine/tongues touch/eyes close dreamily/hearts race/red warm/same breath breathing/life pulsing through veins/run to me/meet me on the other side/race you/pick up speed/love wait/i’m here for you/don’t go/never/carry me/sweetheart hold my hand/believe in i and u and we and us/go further/run faster/fly higher/dream bigger/do better/live lighter/stay stronger/weep softer/cry sweeter/ love longer/grow greener/say you love me/yes/no/I love you sweet/love you too/you whisper sugar sweet words/i’ll sleep/you make me happy/you hum light into my dreams/happier than anyone/kiss my neck/happier than whispered sugar sweet words can say/love you/g’night, love/g’night

being hopeful may be my biggest downfall in life,

but nothing will make me give up on us,

the universe may try as it will to seperate our lives,

but we will always remain close as long as we try,

for you and i are not like the rest,

we are broken and hurt and bruised,

which has brought us closer together,

i will never give up on you,

you don't realise it yet,

but i will stick around as i can't imagine life without you,

we have a future,

perhaps you are blinded from it at the moment,

but i know in my heart we can find happiness again,

together,

and i will wait as long as it takes,

your smile is worth it,

our smiles are worth it