Act Natural

NattyHillerse

• 71 reads

Act Natural

If you're reading this, you've successfully landed on Earth and will need to follow these instructions to blend in as you procure the precious fuel, Milky Way Bars.

1: Analyze any human that approaches you and claim to have the same "political views" as them. This will greatly enhance your ability to garner their trust.

2: They eat with their mouths. This is nothing to be alarmed by. If you are uncomfortable attempting to absorb nutrients this way, wait until the coast is clear before exposing your frontbutt to feed.

3: If they ask you to "go out for drinks" Do Not Go Out For Drinks. This is a trap. These beverages are not to maintain a consistent hydrated status. Humans act...strange on these foreign elixirs. Politely deny them and say something along the lines of "thank you for offering, however I have work in the morning." Or "I have to go, my child's on fire." These will likely lead to a mutual respect for your decision. And lastly.

4: Do not pet the dogs. This will be tempting as their eyes are undeniable and pure but do not pet,the dogs. They run the planet. Do not inform the humans however as this is our advantage to collecting resources and moving on.

Thank you for your service to the Galactic Mining Empire as we desperately need all the help we can get in these times of drought.

EstherFlowers1

• 80 reads

There are two main assumptions, going in.

1) people are basically shit, some are just better at hiding it.

2) people are basically good, some are just worse at showing it.

If you only look outwards, each experience with people is seen as proof of one of the above two hypotheses. Thus, you constantly flit back and forth between them; getting overly optimistic, then crashing into pessimism. Or in some cases, you get stuck in one of them; becoming existentially depressed or disgustingly happy. It is only when you look inward that you find out it’s not one or the other. It’s both.

LovelyNB

• 46 reads

I Ought to Treasure Time

I feel the need to savor every minute of your time

because a love like yours, I know, is rare for one to find.

Voidkin_Killer

• 64 reads

They’ll just kill us ;-;

Me: One deep cut to my neck, and I will bleed out.

Alien: Your point?

Me: Humans are easy to kill...

Alien: So why should I spare you???

Me: Because I’m a weak little creature...you must show mercy to me...

Alien: But don’t you kill your own animals? What’s the difference if I kill you?

Me: Well, my species is intelligent.

Alien: So why are you so easy to kill again?

Me: Body wise, we are strong with tools.

Alien: oh, well thanks for the tip, I’ll let your plan backfire.

Me: What-

*Cuts Neck*

SharondaBriggs

• 42 reads

Humans

Be courteous, respect the way I am.

Be polite, accept the way I am.

Be kind, Help me be the way I am.

Be You, and I will be who I am.

xCalypso

• 67 reads

two cents

She sat behind a scribbled cardboard sign,

chin in her hands,

eyes reflecting the cloudy sky,

watching the passersby,

wondering why no one stopped to talk to her.

Couldn’t they read the sign?

She looked down at the letters,

tall and a bit jiggled, here and there,

but legible,

no?

She tried writing them out again,

on the other side,

slower,

holding her hand very carefully steady,

her marker following her movements.

There.

She turned the sign around.

Still, no one stopped.

Some smiled at her,

A few threw her coins without hardly looking,

but most just walked by,

eyes down,

shoulders hunched,

stressed thoughts buzzing around behind their eyes,

colouring their steps.

She sighed and looked down at her sign,

once more.

She knew everyone was looking for what she offered,

but perhaps they were too shy to ask.

Or maybe they just didn’t trust her.

She wasn’t the most qualified for the job,

she was the first to admit it.

She picked up the sign and wandered off.

It started to rain,

and under her arm,

the letters smudged:

TiPs on bEing HumAn

2 cEnTs

arctic

• 38 reads

What gave me Away?

Maybe just don't vent right in front of other players next time...

Like, for real.

MariAntoinette

• 45 reads

Hello Aliens

Tips for the aliens who are willing to walk on this hell-hole of a planet called Earth:

1) Everything happens in either trends or tradition. Trends come and go quickly, yet humans hold onto tradition.

2) Humans love songs. They sing in all types of ways. (p.s. a personal opinion: do not listen to country music)

3) There is a rather large controversy between humans whether dogs or cats are better. Cats are better. (Cats are probably aliens anyway)

4) There are things called allergies some humans have. If a human looks as though it will explod, this may be the cause. Allergies cause damage to humans. When some humans come into contact with or ingest certain things, they will have a variety of reactions which can include rash and/or swelling(even to the point of suffocation in some circumstances). This would be another way to kill a human, but you probably have more efficient ways of killing them.

5) The humans split the land (and some of the ocean space) into sections. They are bad at sharing and have fights all the time. Most are minor tantrums, but some have been bigger.

6) There are broad age groupings including: children(0-18 yrs) and adults(19+ yrs). There are also more specific age groups including: babies(0-2 yrs), toddlers(3-5 yrs), kids(6-10 yrs), teens/teenagers(11-18 yrs), young adults(19-35 yrs), middle-aged adults(36-50 yrs), older people(51-70 yrs), elderly(71+ yrs). There are minor things to know about these groupings of ages: it is not polite to call people old or elderly and the ages given for each grouping are relative as there are no set boundaries for each term.

7) There are many cultures on this small planet, yet one of the most confusing may be pop culture, specially the pop culture of the age group: teens/teenagers. Do not try to imitate this age group as you are likely to be excluded, laughed at, or found out. At the teen/teenage age, humans are complex and non-predictable. Their brains(thought processing organs) have not fully developed, yet are still much more complicated than those of children.

8) Do not buy television(large squares that transport moving pictures) ad objects. Humans are always inventing things. The new inventions shown in ads on televisions (more often called TV’s) are often useless, cheap, and break easily.

9) Humans love make-believe. Some humans even pretend for their livings. They make things called movies. Other people write make-believe(called fiction). Other Humans play make believe by telling what are called “lies”. (Explained in #10)

10) Humans have this unique mechanism called a lie. They use it to get out of situations they are uncomfortable with in the present. This mechanism is faulty though as often these lies will be messed up and will end up making a more uncomfortable or harmful situation. Humans have another mechanism called “honesty” or “truth” that may often get them into trouble in the present but has been found to be better for them in the future. These mechanisms have been proven to be used more in certain professions humans choose. For example: lawyers tend to use the first mechanism regularly, and religious ministers and scholars tend to use the later more frequently.

11) Humans are creatures of habit. There are some humans, who have eaten the same breakfast(early in the day meal) every day for years. Humans spend the greater part of their lives doing the same few things. Those things are part of what they call a job, work, or their profession. When humans find something that works, they will usually not experiment further to find better possible solutions.

12) Most humans like 3 main things: food, sexual intercourse(often referred to as sex), and/or comedy.

13) There are many genders, but the main two are female and male. Males, throughout history have been dominant, but over time, females in some areas have become closer to equal.

14) Humans, as much as they say they are independent, rely heavily on a large amount of other humans for all the things they either have or can do for them.

15) Most humans have religious beliefs. This means that they believe in one or more superhuman powers often called Gods. These beings are supposed to have immeasurable impacts on humans’ lives. Religion is areguably the storngest thing holding people together and pulling them apart. Many wars have been fought over religion. It is also said that two people of the same religion are more closely connected than two people of the same region. The main religions on Earth include: Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Sikhism.

16) Humans are many different shades of tan and brown. Do not be alarmed by this as this is natural and does not have an affect on the mental state of a person. Humans enjoy sectioning people out by appearance and often criticize and segregate people based off of how they appear. To blend in, you must observe the local fashion(way people express themselves through their appearance), and copy it.

17) Humans, especially females, will paint their faces with what they call make-up. This is part of their make-believe obsession. It is often used to make the face more attractive, but can also be used as part of a costume(an outer appearance that is of something or someone they are not).

Tips on taking care of a humans:

1) Humans need a few basic things including but not limited to: water, food(nutrients), shelter. Often humans also require clothing, but this is not necessary in all cases.

2) Humans are fragile. There are millions of ways humans can be killed. This has been tested by millions of humans. The top few ways they can be killed include: heart disease, cancer(a disease), chronic lower respiratory disease, and more. Humans even kill each other.

3) Younger children-aged humans’ pains are often cured by one small paper wrapped piece of either plastic or plasticky material called a band-aid that adheres to the skin to protect that small patch of skin from the surrounding air. This is not often a sensible solution, but rather just tricks the minds of younger children-aged humans into thinking they are safe and protected.

4) Humans are often not supposed to leak red. Red from humans is called blood and is often accompanied by pain. Bleeding should be stopped. There are exceptions to this rule including once per month occurrences where females will leak red.

5) Humans are subject to certain amounts of physical laws. They cannot jump from high places without being hurt or killed. They cannot be hit by large or fast moving objects without being hurt or killed. They cannot be compressed under large and heavy objects without being hurt or killed.

6) There are many natural elements which can harm humans and potentially kill them. These include but are not limited to: fire, water, tornadoes, other animals, and extreme heat or cold.

7) Humans are more likely to be attached to people who feed or take care of them.

8) Most humans try to be cleanly. A few things they do to acheive this goal of cleanliness include: taking showers or baths( standing or sitting in water in order to more easily remove any unwanted dirtiness), brushing teeth(moving sticks with bristles over teeth in order to remove food from between them), brushing hair(moving a stick with wider set bristled through hair in order to separate them), washing hands(the periodic running of water over hands with added soap in order to clean them between showers or baths), using tissues(putting a piece of soft paper over either mouth or nose to either sneeze or blow nose).

I didn’t add tips for being polite, but I should have lol. I need to go to sleep though.

DrSemicolon

• 41 reads

A Compendium of Tips on Being Human (the thinnest book in the world)

1) Love.*

* THE FINE PRINT: Your results may vary, but--generally--all the rest is bullshit.