If you're reading this, you've successfully landed on Earth and will need to follow these instructions to blend in as you procure the precious fuel, Milky Way Bars.
1: Analyze any human that approaches you and claim to have the same "political views" as them. This will greatly enhance your ability to garner their trust.
2: They eat with their mouths. This is nothing to be alarmed by. If you are uncomfortable attempting to absorb nutrients this way, wait until the coast is clear before exposing your frontbutt to feed.
3: If they ask you to "go out for drinks" Do Not Go Out For Drinks. This is a trap. These beverages are not to maintain a consistent hydrated status. Humans act...strange on these foreign elixirs. Politely deny them and say something along the lines of "thank you for offering, however I have work in the morning." Or "I have to go, my child's on fire." These will likely lead to a mutual respect for your decision. And lastly.
4: Do not pet the dogs. This will be tempting as their eyes are undeniable and pure but do not pet,the dogs. They run the planet. Do not inform the humans however as this is our advantage to collecting resources and moving on.
Thank you for your service to the Galactic Mining Empire as we desperately need all the help we can get in these times of drought.
There are two main assumptions, going in.
1) people are basically shit, some are just better at hiding it.
2) people are basically good, some are just worse at showing it.
If you only look outwards, each experience with people is seen as proof of one of the above two hypotheses. Thus, you constantly flit back and forth between them; getting overly optimistic, then crashing into pessimism. Or in some cases, you get stuck in one of them; becoming existentially depressed or disgustingly happy. It is only when you look inward that you find out it’s not one or the other. It’s both.
I Ought to Treasure Time
I feel the need to savor every minute of your time
because a love like yours, I know, is rare for one to find.
They’ll just kill us ;-;
Me: One deep cut to my neck, and I will bleed out.
Alien: Your point?
Me: Humans are easy to kill...
Alien: So why should I spare you???
Me: Because I’m a weak little creature...you must show mercy to me...
Alien: But don’t you kill your own animals? What’s the difference if I kill you?
Me: Well, my species is intelligent.
Alien: So why are you so easy to kill again?
Me: Body wise, we are strong with tools.
Alien: oh, well thanks for the tip, I’ll let your plan backfire.
Be courteous, respect the way I am.
Be polite, accept the way I am.
Be kind, Help me be the way I am.
Be You, and I will be who I am.
She sat behind a scribbled cardboard sign,
chin in her hands,
eyes reflecting the cloudy sky,
watching the passersby,
wondering why no one stopped to talk to her.
Couldn’t they read the sign?
She looked down at the letters,
tall and a bit jiggled, here and there,
She tried writing them out again,
on the other side,
holding her hand very carefully steady,
her marker following her movements.
She turned the sign around.
Still, no one stopped.
Some smiled at her,
A few threw her coins without hardly looking,
but most just walked by,
stressed thoughts buzzing around behind their eyes,
colouring their steps.
She sighed and looked down at her sign,
She knew everyone was looking for what she offered,
but perhaps they were too shy to ask.
Or maybe they just didn’t trust her.
She wasn’t the most qualified for the job,
she was the first to admit it.
She picked up the sign and wandered off.
It started to rain,
and under her arm,
the letters smudged:
TiPs on bEing HumAn
What gave me Away?
Maybe just don't vent right in front of other players next time...
Like, for real.
Tips for the aliens who are willing to walk on this hell-hole of a planet called Earth:
1) Everything happens in either trends or tradition. Trends come and go quickly, yet humans hold onto tradition.
2) Humans love songs. They sing in all types of ways. (p.s. a personal opinion: do not listen to country music)
3) There is a rather large controversy between humans whether dogs or cats are better. Cats are better. (Cats are probably aliens anyway)
4) There are things called allergies some humans have. If a human looks as though it will explod, this may be the cause. Allergies cause damage to humans. When some humans come into contact with or ingest certain things, they will have a variety of reactions which can include rash and/or swelling(even to the point of suffocation in some circumstances). This would be another way to kill a human, but you probably have more efficient ways of killing them.
5) The humans split the land (and some of the ocean space) into sections. They are bad at sharing and have fights all the time. Most are minor tantrums, but some have been bigger.
6) There are broad age groupings including: children(0-18 yrs) and adults(19+ yrs). There are also more specific age groups including: babies(0-2 yrs), toddlers(3-5 yrs), kids(6-10 yrs), teens/teenagers(11-18 yrs), young adults(19-35 yrs), middle-aged adults(36-50 yrs), older people(51-70 yrs), elderly(71+ yrs). There are minor things to know about these groupings of ages: it is not polite to call people old or elderly and the ages given for each grouping are relative as there are no set boundaries for each term.
7) There are many cultures on this small planet, yet one of the most confusing may be pop culture, specially the pop culture of the age group: teens/teenagers. Do not try to imitate this age group as you are likely to be excluded, laughed at, or found out. At the teen/teenage age, humans are complex and non-predictable. Their brains(thought processing organs) have not fully developed, yet are still much more complicated than those of children.
8) Do not buy television(large squares that transport moving pictures) ad objects. Humans are always inventing things. The new inventions shown in ads on televisions (more often called TV’s) are often useless, cheap, and break easily.
9) Humans love make-believe. Some humans even pretend for their livings. They make things called movies. Other people write make-believe(called fiction). Other Humans play make believe by telling what are called “lies”. (Explained in #10)
10) Humans have this unique mechanism called a lie. They use it to get out of situations they are uncomfortable with in the present. This mechanism is faulty though as often these lies will be messed up and will end up making a more uncomfortable or harmful situation. Humans have another mechanism called “honesty” or “truth” that may often get them into trouble in the present but has been found to be better for them in the future. These mechanisms have been proven to be used more in certain professions humans choose. For example: lawyers tend to use the first mechanism regularly, and religious ministers and scholars tend to use the later more frequently.
11) Humans are creatures of habit. There are some humans, who have eaten the same breakfast(early in the day meal) every day for years. Humans spend the greater part of their lives doing the same few things. Those things are part of what they call a job, work, or their profession. When humans find something that works, they will usually not experiment further to find better possible solutions.
12) Most humans like 3 main things: food, sexual intercourse(often referred to as sex), and/or comedy.
13) There are many genders, but the main two are female and male. Males, throughout history have been dominant, but over time, females in some areas have become closer to equal.
14) Humans, as much as they say they are independent, rely heavily on a large amount of other humans for all the things they either have or can do for them.
15) Most humans have religious beliefs. This means that they believe in one or more superhuman powers often called Gods. These beings are supposed to have immeasurable impacts on humans’ lives. Religion is areguably the storngest thing holding people together and pulling them apart. Many wars have been fought over religion. It is also said that two people of the same religion are more closely connected than two people of the same region. The main religions on Earth include: Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Sikhism.
16) Humans are many different shades of tan and brown. Do not be alarmed by this as this is natural and does not have an affect on the mental state of a person. Humans enjoy sectioning people out by appearance and often criticize and segregate people based off of how they appear. To blend in, you must observe the local fashion(way people express themselves through their appearance), and copy it.
17) Humans, especially females, will paint their faces with what they call make-up. This is part of their make-believe obsession. It is often used to make the face more attractive, but can also be used as part of a costume(an outer appearance that is of something or someone they are not).
Tips on taking care of a humans:
1) Humans need a few basic things including but not limited to: water, food(nutrients), shelter. Often humans also require clothing, but this is not necessary in all cases.
2) Humans are fragile. There are millions of ways humans can be killed. This has been tested by millions of humans. The top few ways they can be killed include: heart disease, cancer(a disease), chronic lower respiratory disease, and more. Humans even kill each other.
3) Younger children-aged humans’ pains are often cured by one small paper wrapped piece of either plastic or plasticky material called a band-aid that adheres to the skin to protect that small patch of skin from the surrounding air. This is not often a sensible solution, but rather just tricks the minds of younger children-aged humans into thinking they are safe and protected.
4) Humans are often not supposed to leak red. Red from humans is called blood and is often accompanied by pain. Bleeding should be stopped. There are exceptions to this rule including once per month occurrences where females will leak red.
5) Humans are subject to certain amounts of physical laws. They cannot jump from high places without being hurt or killed. They cannot be hit by large or fast moving objects without being hurt or killed. They cannot be compressed under large and heavy objects without being hurt or killed.
6) There are many natural elements which can harm humans and potentially kill them. These include but are not limited to: fire, water, tornadoes, other animals, and extreme heat or cold.
7) Humans are more likely to be attached to people who feed or take care of them.
8) Most humans try to be cleanly. A few things they do to acheive this goal of cleanliness include: taking showers or baths( standing or sitting in water in order to more easily remove any unwanted dirtiness), brushing teeth(moving sticks with bristles over teeth in order to remove food from between them), brushing hair(moving a stick with wider set bristled through hair in order to separate them), washing hands(the periodic running of water over hands with added soap in order to clean them between showers or baths), using tissues(putting a piece of soft paper over either mouth or nose to either sneeze or blow nose).
I didn’t add tips for being polite, but I should have lol. I need to go to sleep though.
A Compendium of Tips on Being Human (the thinnest book in the world)
* THE FINE PRINT: Your results may vary, but--generally--all the rest is bullshit.
Aliens, Please Read
(For full effect, read this while listening to "Moonlight Sonata")
TO ALIEN LIFE FORMS: Greetings, from the Human Race! If you are intelligent enough to read this, then you have intercepted an exploratory space probe that contains information about our species. This is but a short document detailing all life on Earth as far as we know as of my writing this (as of the year 3000).
HUMAN #: 19,373,295,573 (presumably)
???-15: (UNKNOWN, but we are working on it as I write this).
14 billion years ago: big bang, universe forms.
12 billion years ago: Local Group galaxy cluster forms as galaxies drift apart; Milky Way Galaxy forms.
10 billion years ago: Virgo forms, containing the Milky Way and other galaxies within the Local Group.
4.6 billion years ago: the “sun” forms, our home planet, Earth, forms in orbit around it, and our solar system forms.
Precambrian Time begins
4 billion years ago: Earth cools, and liquid rain beings to become commonplace.
3.80 billion years ago: primordial soup forms.
3.77 billion years ago: first replicating molecules form, possibly primitive DNA.
Post-creation of life:…
3.70 billion years ago: unicellular life evolves, primitive bacteria and prokaryotic life forms begin to release oxygen into the atmosphere.
Proterozoic Era begins
2.4 billion years ago: Oxygen Revolution begins; oxygen mixes with the UV rays of the sun, forming the ozone layer; Earth has a primitive atmosphere, and complex life is almost ready to form.
Luna supercontinent forms and breaks apart
Rodinia supercontinent forms
Proterozoic Era ends
Precambrian Time ends
Phanerozoic EON begins
Paleozoic Era begins
Permian Period begins
286 million years ago: life evolves from basic cellular organisms into more-complex eukaryotes; reptiles evolve; trilobites evolve and then disappear; ocean life booms.
245 million years ago: largest mass extinction - permian mass extinction; fungus has not yet evolved to break down wood, so trees are buried after they die and are not decomposed. Volcanoes in present-day Russia incinerate wood, creating massive plumes of carbon that ruin the atmosphere; 90% of ocean life dies; 70% of terrestrial life dies; paves way for reptiles to dominate planet.
Rodinia supercontinent begins to break up
Pangea supercontinent forms
Permian Period ends
Paleozoic Era ends
Mesozoic Era begins
Triassic Period begins
Pangea supercontinent begins to break up
245 million years ago: major extinction of ocean life; many corals and conodonts are wiped out; dinosaurs and small mammals appear and begin to dominate planet.
Triassic Period ends
Jurassic Period begins
208 million years ago: dinosaurs are of the most wide-spread specimen on the planet; birds, frogs, crabs, and salamanders also evolve.
Jurassic Period ends
Cretaceous Period begins
146 million years ago: small mammals begin to become more common.
66 million years ago: asteroid slams into Earth at the deadliest angle possible; parts of Earth are incinerated, and the rest is swallowed in plumes of smoke; dinosaurs become extinct within one million years; global cooling ensues; 99.96% of all life on Earth was decimated.
Cretaceous Period ends
Mesozoic Era ends
Cenozoic Era begins
Tertiary Period begins
Paleocene Epoch begins
64 million years ago: flowering plants become commonplace; small mammals flourish.
Paleocene Epoch ends
Eocene Epoch begins
37 million years ago: grass appears, modern trees appear, modern animals - cats, dogs, horses, camels, rodents - appear.
Eocene Epoch ends
Oligocene Epoch begins
23 million years ago: most modern birds and mammals have appeared.
Oligocene Epoch ends
Miocene Epoch begins
5 million years ago: grazing horses and antelopes appear.
Miocene Epoch ends
Pliocene Epoch begins
1.8 million years ago: hominids (primitive, human-like apes) evolve.
Pliocene Epoch ends
Tertiary Period ends
Quaternary Period begins
Pleistocene Epoch begins
800,000 years ago: humans discover fire; music begins to make its debut.
200,000 years ago: first traces of religion are witnessed.
Stone Age begins and ends
11,000 years ago: specimen of modern genius homo appear.
Pleistocene Epoch ends
Holocene Epoch begins
11,000 years ago: modern humans radiate.
5,220 years ago: writing is invented.
Bronze Age begins
2,700 BCE: first record of human-on-human warfare.
Bronze Age ends
Iron Age begins
1,200 BCE: modern cities and empires begin to form; modern economic systems are created.
Iron Age Ends
624 BCE: Buddha is born.
c. 4 BCE: Jesus is born.
570 CE: Muhammad is born.
800 CE: gunpowder is invented.
1740 CE: electricity is successfully harnessed for the first time.
1822 CE: first primitive “computer” invented.
1859 CE: theory of evolution proposed.
1942 CE: first human-made object is sent into outer space.
1945 CE: first nuclear-reactive bomb is detonated.
1954 CE: secrets of DNA replication mostly unraveled.
1957 CE: first satellite (Sputnik) sent into outer space; first life form (a dog) also sent into space.
1961 CE: first human enters the cosmos.
1969 CE: first human lands on an orbiting body within the cosmos.
2009 CE: the first space station is completed.
2030 CE: first colony on Earth’s moon is established.
2068 CE: first colony on Mars is established.
2247 CE: first time humans venture to Neptune.
2518 CE: first space station established along the inner banks of Oort Cloud.
2732 CE: hyperspace equations are perfected.
2900 CE: humans travel to Alpha Centauri, the nearest solar system to our own.
3000 CE: humans make first contact with primitive alien life forms (a sort of small, harmless bacterium).
Holocene Epoch ends
Quaternary Period ends
Cenozoic Era ends
Phanerozoic EON ends
THE NEW AGE begins