Too tired to write.

Yet, I am writing.

Its a delicate world we live in.

Balanced on a knife’s edge.

#poetry

#https://jtwannabewriter.blogspot.com

im too tired to keep hurting

from the pain that you inflicted on my heart

but how am i to heal, when you wont

admit that you never loved me like you said

you did?

there is no way i can go on

thinking anyone who claims to

have loved me, could hurt me so badly

and not give a fuck about to state

they left me in

im so tired of trying to convince

myself that it wasnt my fault for not

being everything you wanted because you

made me feel like it was my fault that

i wasnt enough for you to stay

there is no way i can go on

criticizing myslef everyday and

listing all the things that you deemed

not good enough, and trying to

change them for your benefit

- one day you wont have this power over me

Acorn minded freak

Words I sought to speak

Lost translations at my feet.

There She roams,

Chaos wielder, angelic healer,

Leave me be in ruins ahead.

I don’t know how to talk to you. You want honesty, I can only write it down any other format would be pure disappointment.

Irony or not

Here I run

Clouds eclectic, frozen/burned numb.

Perhaps I can lie two ways but I cannot emote in both forms, here I am genuine in sentiment.

Night atomic

Spliced idiocy

Propeller thoughts

Fly me high

Insanity talks,

Look left then right

Off they walk.

I want company more than food and sleep, yet I crave solitude. I avoid responsibilities to gain a chance at youth again. I pursue truth not seeing my lies.

Paradoxical paradise

Godzilla laser eyes

Slash architecture paralyzed

My inability to write for the past couple of weeks has partly been a problem and has solved my problem somewhat. What else is my mind hiding?

Smoke floats cosmic,

Bistro lights glow

Like floating lanterns

Concussive notes repeat

Empty glass, melting ice,

Dimming taps, horns decrease.

Peace.

There once was a girl

She lived her life to the fullest

But then in one moment

She realised something

She was too tired to think

Too tired to care

Too tired to see

Too tired to be

So she moved to the countryside

Looked at the stars

And lived in her own world

there's always something that isn't finished

another task on the bottom of my to do list

spiralling downward

never stopping

my eyes flutter open

to questions and holes is my mind

will i have the time

or does it pass by too quickly

melting like candle wax

leaving me behind

Looking at the blinking cursor on my screen:

THAT voice in my head, having woken up hours before me...

“You’re trying this shit again? How many months has it been since you said you were going to set out to be a writer, huh? How’s that going fuckhead? Huh?”

Well, you. I’ve gotten an editor’s pick, I’ve been added to private screenwriter competitions and met some great creative minds along the way, so I-

“And how’s that helping with the bills, huh fucko? You left a perfectly good job with world renowned health insurance for, THIS? What do your peers even think? What do they really think, huh?”

I...I mean, they probably think quite a few things about it, but it’s about what I think of m-

″I AM YOU. And you know what I Really think? I think you’ve been descending in your drive because you’re finally starting to catch on. You sit and wallow about the lack of responses and interviews you’ve gotten for entry writing jobs, but you’ve stopped writing...you think the bigshots can read your mind, dumbfuck? You think they owe you a chance for the Possibility of ideas? Like what comes from your head is any fucking better than the next person? Another cliche misunderstood writer with self-loathing and an overly dramatic sense of self-awareness. Wow poor you bud.”

At least I’m trying agai-

“Trying? Trying? You call this trying? You’re projecting your inner fears and ramblings onto a website for writers who’ve shown they Actually have what it takes to make this a career and some of them are just here for a hobby. You’re supposedly doing this as a full time gig now. Look at those emotionally drained little eyes you meek little fuck. Maybe if you’re head wasn’t so far up your ass You Could’ve Seen She Was Headed For the Door.”

No...no one else I’ve talked to saw her leaving eithe-

“No one else was with her for over eight fucking years, genius. You were engaged for three! Who the fuck is engaged that long, huh? You helped her through losing three of her closest relatives and you still couldn’t convince her you’ve brought enough to the table. What do ya think was the prescription in her life to fix her eyes, dickhead? Was it how uncalculated and stupid the risks you take are? That sad little squinter of a diamond you bought to ask that irrelevant question? Oooh! Maybe it’s because you didn’t put any effort into knowing her family. People had to be dying for your ass to even show up most times.

Whatever I suppose right? Not that it fucking matters at this point anyway. You’ve got ME. Who else could you need?”

Anyone...

Awake.

Traffic noise.

Shall I open my eyes?

Too tired.

Each day is like the last.

Wake up from a nightmare that only continues into, what?

Reality?

Drifting back. Don't resist.

Better this

than that...

#dissociated

No amount of coffee can get you moving/motivated. Emotionally exhausted, can’t sleep. Insomnia is a bitch. Ever feel like a box of Rice Krispies when you move? Hips, back and shoulders ache. Gotta love prior injury flair ups. Did I work out too hard? Did I drink enough water or not enough? Where is the Advil? Wait what am I saying I hate pills. Is it just the drama and sorrow of the past year? I thought I delt with that. Am I just bored? These are questions I ask myself when I just can’t get going. Just can’t! Just can’t!

My mind has sunk high up into the flurry of life

stifled by trifle yet not-so-trifle things

being an adult is like a

cake without sugar

all empty pomp and circumstance

sweet-looking without the reward

but it’s just the emotions

mixing up a chemical storm in my brain

right?

help me From myself

But who cares?

we're all numbed by life

life has killed Life

Good day, Good night,

good Bye