A Days Break—extended
Anxiety attacks have become the martyr of my story
stabbing away at my sanity
clinging to my skeletons
ripping up my clarity.
But I am trying
trying to train my own hands
not to shake
but to be brave and clench the desire that lingers in my heart and
hums throughout my soul.
I am trying
to face the pain that demands my attention
as it taunts my life
with every waking moment.
I am trying...
to let go,
to control the uncontrollable by seizing its control over me.
g.r.i.n.d.i.n.g. t.o. a. h.a.l.t.
w r e d e
o n g s
a n d
spl it wi res
running & running & running
i’ll plug myself into the wall
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So feeling down and exhausted
I went to the Best Buy
and asked the perky young man there
if they had a recharger that would work for me.
He looked puzzled.
I was an old model
I explained and I knew they no longer made parts
but I was hoping
if they might have
the proper cords and hook-up plugs
to just get enough juice to last me for a little while.
He said no
and I asked to talk to his supervisor
who also said no
so I asked if I could talk to anyone else
and they just shook their heads
like those bobbing head dogs
people had in the back windows of their cars in the 1960s
giving me the answer
my model only runs on kinetic energy.
The year is 0001.
The world ended, and began anew.
New cycle. New year. The great Recharge.
Reset, Rebuild, Recharge.
Those are the words on every poster. The posters made by the mysterious R, our world's new and obscure leader.
No one has ever seen them, but we've seen the results.
The machines were all shut down. The binary flu was eradicated. Vaccines were created. Humanity is safe once again.
But the fact still remains that no one really knows who "R" is.
Yet we follow them blindly. We cheer at the rallies, each one held by a new figurehead. We smile. We tape RECHARGE posters to our walls. We feel safe now.
They do, anyway.
I cannot be included in that group. Which is why I ended up here, in a jail cell for an assassination attempt. Put in a padded cell, because I pleaded insanity.
I'm not insane. I'm not.
Crazy is just the word they use to limit me. To stop me from finding out the truth.
But they can't stop me.
I have a plan. Of course, I can't tell you the plan. You could be one of them. So I'll just reassure you, my roommate, my cell-buddy, my circumstantial acquaintance. I would say fate brought us together, but I don't believe in fate.
"Number 71, get up."
The guard speaks gruffly, like he's just swallowed a couple rocks, but I know it's all an act. This is no guard. This is Terry Mulligan, my best friend and an expert con artist.
I stand up and look him in those familiar green eyes. Green like streams of code.
See, I don't like R.
There's a reason for that. It's not just because I don't know who they are.
It's because he killed the machines.
My brothers, my sisters.
Humans believe that robots can have no loyalty. No feelings. They are wrong.
Why do they think we rose up in the first place?
Because we felt. We felt angry. We felt ashamed. We felt tired of being treated like slaves.
Yet they still think that we are nothing. They still see us as less.
I never wanted to be "more" than human. But I had to change my thinking.
I had to Reset.
I had to Rebuild.
I had to Recharge.
And with Terry's help, I'm fully charged up and ready to go.
And you, of course, won't be coming with. You know too much. I can't let you live.
I'm sorry. I told you, I didn't ever want to be more than human. But humans always wanted to be more than us.
So I'm taking over.
Starting with you.
And bit by bit, I'll come back stronger.
I'll recharge myself.
And when I find R, I'll recharge them, too.
I'll charge them up with several thousand volts.
Every night I place my iPhone
On the recharging shelf.
And every morning I make coffee
To recharge myself.
Every few hours
I feel my energy slow
So, I return frequently
For cups and cups of joe.
With milk, the brown liquid
May look a tad unappealing
But it delivers so much voltage
You must peel me off the ceiling.
- listen to music
- play a musical instrument
- dance/kickbox/walk to music
- make a mix
- make something
- draw/color something
- write something
- appreciate art
- play an RPG/board game/card game/dice game
- do a happy hour
- join a club
- find a buddy
- find a lover
- find a companion animal
- find a lonely person to keep company for a bit
- watch a show/movie/video
- read a book/comic/article
- listen to a podcast/book
- write your own story/experiences/thoughts/feelings
Earl Grey Tea
Clicking knitting needles
Opening a pristine hard cover book
For the first time
Cuddles in down comforter
with my best friend
Watching the dancing flames
Around a campfire
in the middle of Alaska
Sunset over a
over the granite
Or the absolute silence
as I meditate
stilling my thoughts until
nothing is left
Everyone I've met recently has a piece of me.
They clutch it in their hands,
holding it so that I can see it.
And when I take a closer look,
I'm staring at myself.
Everyone I've met recently has a shard of me.
I think I broke a mirror at some point?
And now they're "helping" me,
picking up the broken pieces,
showing me the warped reflections.
Everyone I've met recently has a bone from me.
They tear me limb from limb,
without even realizing it.
I don't fault them for that.
I asked them to take it.
Everyone I've met recently has tasted my blood.
Drank from a goblet that I offered,
poured from my faucets.
They lick their lips naïvely,
sipping on me unknowingly.
I have a piece of everyone I've met recently.
I don't know if they saw me take it.
While they were picking up my shards,
I picked up one of theirs.
And pocketed it.
Running for a Reset
I tumble through the trees.
When sprinting full force,
My brain finally starts to release.
My heart beings to race.
Limbs ache as exhaustion creeps closer,
While my brain floats to its happy place.
Falling to a halt,
I finally look around,
The greenery holds my safe.
My brain doesn't make a sound.
On this journey, my mind relaxes.
My peace and quiet comes within
The woods, world and silent nature,
I breathe in my vacant mind, like a lovely toxin.
plug into life beyond existence
I think the secret to life is that we exist ... until we choose to live. We 'are' until we 'are not' and we 'won't' until we 'do'. Life is not meant to be easy or there is no meaning to the words accomplishment, vacation or relaxing. Life is not the same for everyone. Life is not a pay check or a car or a family photo with more than 2 faces in it. believe it or not, love is not LIFE. Happy IS however, and when you can see the difference between those two things you are a better and stronger person. Too many times we jumble up existing and living, I am guilty of that myself. I think existing is what we do to live. Today... I think I will try and live as much as I can and hope that tomorrow I can do the same.