Time To Heed What We Feel
You look at me
I look away
This couldn’t be
But I want to stay
This feels so wrong
But I have to ask
Is this where I belong?
Should I lower my mask?
I’m in love with you
And you with me
Until now, had no clue,
But some things are meant to be
You reach out and take my hand
My breathing hitches, I want to run
But now is my time to make a stand
To prove I’m not just staying for fun
I now have to prove what I feel
Not in word, but in deed
All these emotions inside of us are real
It is time for us to listen and heed
The first time I fell in love
We were best friends, we shared secrets, stood by each other, had a laugh together, had playfights, we were always really physical. I loved your hugs, being wrapped in your arms, so tight. But I ruined it didn’t I? Wanted something more. wanted You to kiss me, your lips warm and soft, I wanted you to hold my hand, to say I loved you and hear you say it back... instead all I got was a "thanks". And then it was awkwar, you kept acting like nothing happened, like everything was normal, I told you we couldn't be as close as we were: "at least not straight away, I just need time". But you couldn't even give me that, you kept texting and calling, you'd ask for advice about other girls, put kisses at the end of your messeges. You called me beautiful once, I'll never forget it, and I asked you to kiss me, so You could see how it felt, see if you really didn't feel anything. You sounded so grossed out when you said no, like I was the ugliest thing you ever saw. That hurt, and the fact that you liked 3 of my friends, but eventually I got over it, I stopped answering your calls and texts, stopped opening up to you and letting you open up to me, in fact you were the only person I ever deliberately pushed away. Now college is over and you're just a memory, I still think of you sometimes, wonder how life's been for you. We were best friends after all, maybe we'd still be best friends if I hadn't told you how I felt, sometimes I wish I'd settled for what I had instead of wanting more, but I guess it helped us both realise some things about ourselves and each other, I'll always be glad I was honest.
a story from my life
my freshman year of college in connecticut, i’d ride with this girl named jazzy to a beach in rhode island. we would always go at night; it was our only free time. i don't recall ever sleeping during my time at wesleyan.
jazzy was so black that she blended in with the sky. we would sit on the beach and kiss, and during those in between moments in which our lips were apart, we would ask each other questions. one particular time went like this:
i said, "what are your thoughts on communism?"
and she looked at the waves crashing and pointed, "it's beautiful in theory, like that water, but you get one rotten shark and it all goes to shit."
we kissed again, and i said, "you know, i'm a communist."
she shrugged, "i think we're all just here. so you don't believe in god?"
"i'm in divinity school."
and we just kept kissing.
I wanted you,
But you wanted her,
So I moved on.
You hated that,
And you told me you loved us both,
But I knew in my heart that it couldn't be enough for me,
So I moved on.
You tried to choose,
You wanted her,
So I moved on.
It was difficult,
But you taught me something important;
Life goes on,
I may hate it,
But it keeps going with or without your love,
And so I moved on.
I married another man,
Became the perfect mother,
I still think about the what ifs.
If you had chosen me,
Where would we be?
I'll never know,
Because I moved on.
Breaking the Rules for Romance
Your eyes spoke
to me across the small house.
I should’ve been distracted
by the flashing lights,
the moving bodies,
and the giant noises everywhere.
However, your eyes were always something I
They were always there
for me to look back.
At the next party
I thought it was a coincidence
that those eyes found me again.
I thought those piercing yellows,
mixed with a slight tent of green,
gone after the last party.
they were back.
I fought the urge
to move my body slightly closer to those eyes.
A couple steps to the left
and I would no longer be in the center
of the dance floor, but rather,
slightly closer to you.
But I stopped
random hookups in high school.
I’m sure that was all you wanted after all.
After a few more parties your eyes became more
They didn’t hold the same tone as before.
They looked more unbalanced,
I had grown custom to those eyes.
I knew them.
They were calming,
But these eyes were new.
There were new ceases
making them curve differently,
new hues making them look
I didn’t like it.
Despite never looking back at you,
I know exactly how those eyes were
meant to look.
And I didn’t like these new ones.
After more outings,
I want to give in.
I want to go over,
to your smug little corners you always find
to watch me,
and ask what changed?
Why do they look so different?
Why are your eyes drifting?
Why do you feel less involved?
Is there someone else?
Was I not good enough?
At the next party,
I look up at you.
I break every rule
I have ever put in place for myself
And reach out.
Our eyes meet
I feel the world swell with quickening heartbeats,
my chest fill with clean air,
and my mind racing with long missed euphoria.
However, I break contact quickly
with a wink
and look away.
Not my best moment,
but holding your eyes was just too
too against my nature.
At the next party,
you’re definitely closer.
Not a hovering eagle watching over anymore.
You’re more physically close.
That same unstable look that
suddenly became apparent earlier
is still there,
but it’s more charming now
then anything else.
I debate going up to you,
hearing your voice for the first time,
maybe touching you.
I settle for next time I will.
Rule-bending has never been a skill of mine.
Rules were not made to be broken by me.
This party is slower.
I chose it specifically for this moment.
It’s all planned perfectly.
The atmosphere is magnificent.
The moment I go up to you I’m
Your shock makes that fondness in me
Your voice is more gorgeous then you eyes.
Something incredibly difficult to achieve.
The honey that drips off your vocal chords
tastes sweet to any ear, but especially mine.
However, your face up close is a masterpiece.
Every tiny detail
that makes up the human face
has managed to be flawless
We quickly leave the party,
taking turns complaining
about various things
on the car ride to my house.
And even though that might not be the
thing in the world,
it’s still beautiful.
Once we walk past my door
everything comes crumbling down.
Months of waned off stares,
feelings of frustration,
and layers of fabrics.
I was excited.
Maybe too excited.
I came to love the way you caressed my face,
tugged at my lip,
kissed my thighs,
moaned my name.
I loved every part of it.
And the excitement I felt afterwards,
laying in a heap of blankets and limbs curled lovely around each other on my bed,
was enough to send someone to the moon.
However, after sleep finally took me over.
As I was afraid it would, you vanished.
I woke up in a pile of my own blankets and
Last night anything was possible.
This morning nothing would ever make of those opportunities.
You left me a note on my nightstand.
Not disingenuous, just
I sat thinking of the signs.
I just couldn’t seem to find any.
Maybe reality decided I needed a moment of
so it tricked me into thinking something
could happen for me, for once.
We had a romantic night, I thought,
but maybe that’s just my delusional brain
at play again.
I just really thought this time would be it.
I knew rules weren’t meant to be broken.
I just thought I’d give it one last try,
The glow of the campfire, illuminating our faces, cuddled up by the fire. S'more forever.
A piece you left unspoken
I felt as if I was broken
Then came he
The only one who could reach me
People tend to dissapoint. Making promises of understanding your pains but never being there to hold you. When your eyes are drenched wet, no one seems to grasp that you want help. Then came one person who could see it. Something missed by the people who raised you. He sees the little paint left by your tears.
Someone finally notices the words that were left unsaid.
Someone finally catches your heart when it lurches.
Someone finally hears the knot in your lungs.
Someone finally makes you feel spoken.