My boyfriend asked me last night: if you could go back and do college again, would your major be the same?

I realized that he thought I had gone to college for a major. I majored in English because it was the only subject freshman year I couldn't seem to fail. It meant nothing to me.

On the day I turned twenty, I cried. I was working at a fast food restaurant making minimum wage, for something to do. I was yelled at for being too slow. I couldn't even make a burger. I had also just been dumped.

I swore I wouldn't see thirty.

I still don't particularly like being alive. It's still really hard for me to function. But I do it anyway. I no longer have to flip burgers. I have a good life.

I'm scared but still here.

I think it's important to know what you're living for. Do you like your career path? Is that what drives you? Is it finding love? Is it family?

Once you find your purpose, you're good to go. As it turns out, mine wasn't flipping burgers. Or even being an English major. But with my writing I'm slowly putting the pieces together.

I think it's hard when you're young. I turned to one toxic man after the next looking for security and I found myself in therapy. Love was what I wanted most in life. I finally have it - and it took my entire twenties to find it.

Getting back "out there"? Like being alive, it comes with the fine print of life.

Just like turning thirty, you have to, sometime.

Get back out there.

Out there is the future.

Out there is more.

When I say “out there”, I mean outside of your mind, I mean outside of your house, I mean outside of whatever routine you’ve got yourself stuck in. Allowing yourself to live with the same sorrow, regret, or shame, the same memories, the same few people – or maybe no people – is not giving life a fair chance.

Life is not meant to be lived alone, but in community. It’s not meant to be lived solely in a house, but in nature. It’s not meant to be lived in grief and worry and grumbling, but in joy, peace, and love. It’s not meant to be lived in the past or the future, but the present. And it’s not meant to be lived in darkness, but in light.

You will find yourself in dark places, physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually. You will find that life is sometimes the toughest uphill climb, or even a seemingly never-ending trek across the flattest field. And sometimes, you’ll find that you’re thrown into the water, at a total loss of control, just trying to stay afloat. Sometimes you fall, and sometimes you start to sink. but you’re never really in trouble until you choose to stop climbing, stop walking, stop swimming. Whatever comes your way, you get back up again. You swim back to the surface. The urge to give up is your biggest threat. Complacency should be your greatest fear. But when you find yourself in that awful place, when the last thing you want to do is keep climbing, keep walking, keep swimming, do it anyway. Do it to make progress. Do it to grow. Do it to make a difference in the world. You were created for a purpose; go discover what is it, and once you do, work at it with everything in you, because no one can accomplish it quite as well as you can.

So go find a new opportunity. Go meet some beautiful new people. Go laugh and go cry. Go work and rest and dream and accomplish things. Go set goals and meet them. Go learn and grow. Go live.

Get back out there.

To get out there, it's recommended to have a map. Out there is expansive and infinite in possibilities. Out there has no walls or limitations, but the roads are wide and the signs are hard to read. The conditions can be unforgiving, but they could also be lovely. See, the trees could be blooming, but you could have terrible allergies.

To get out there, it's advised to have a look in. Should you be aware of any allergies?

To get out there, it's important to first determine where you are. Look around the room - what kind of place is it? Does it have anything you can take with you? Gazing out the window can help as well, just remember that you can't see the whole world from your window. Then, you need to make a list. Pick up the notebook from that table - yes, that one - and title it: "Where I'm Going".

To get out there, it's imperative that you establish a detailed record. Your first entry will be a list. This list should cover where you are, what you're taking, and why you're leaving. But be prepared, there are other lists you have yet to make. Out there has something for everyone, and that's a serious promise. There is no shortage of place, yet the question is still "where?".

To get out there, it's critical to rule out where not. Out there is full of 'yes', so it's up to you to determine what's a 'no'. A good list starts with broad categories: North, South, East, West… Plateau, Mountain, Valley, Plain. Starting broad makes it easier to keep track of the smaller subcategories within. Which, by the way, you should be filling out to the best of your knowledge. And a list can be anything. It can be about people and things as much as it can be about places. A list can also be a test. Answer the easiest questions first, and return to the difficult ones later. Hopefully you have a blue or black pen on hand, because you'll be crossing out any destinations that just aren't for you. They can be as general as "North" or as specific as "my ex's house" - it all depends on where you are and what your list is about. Before proceeding to the next step, cross out anywhere that you definitely don’t want to go.

To get out there, it's encouraged to use reason. You probably have a few different directions left on your list, so you've started narrowing down your where. But to solidify your where, you must list out your why-s. You probably know where this is going - yes, rewrite your destinations on a new page with plenty of free space. A clear notebook reflects a clear mind, and we are here to gain clarity after all. Each place should have a good amount of why-s. If you find that a place isn't inspiring many, worry not - next we detail our why-nots before we are free to move forward. After this, your list should have a healthy index of the why-s and why-nots of each potential destination. Now, how is that proportion looking? You guessed it - you'll be crossing out anything with more why-nots than why-s. And with that, you are free to… begin the next list!

To get out there, it's helpful to calculate your routes. Turn to a new spread - on the left side, write out your list of destinations in order from closest to furthest. And if you have no sense of proximity, write them in whichever order you think of them. We often know more than we initially think we do. Now, you can create your map. As with any map, you start with a small circle labelled "you are here". Your destinations become other small circles, peppering your paper until you can decide: "Where I'm Going… First".

To get out there, you should know where you're going, where you're not going, and why. To get out there, you should know what's closest and what's furthest, but above all, you should know where you'd like to start. To get out there, you should take your notebook, full of lessons, goals, and dreams, so you can elaborate and cross-out at will. How you get somewhere is entirely dependent on where that place is. And when you figure out where you'd like to go, getting out there is the easiest part of all.

And when you do get out there, make sure you keep this guide handy. No matter where you end up, you might find that you're once again in need of a map.

There isn’t anything

out there

in the space where

the lines are crossed

and Your silhouette is

no longer visible

that fills me

there is nothing outside

of You

that I would want to experience

nothing outside the inside of your

heart that calls me anymore

I’ve lived in it for so long

if I missed the call of Your voice

it’d kill me.

Out there -{renata ferretti}

Right now you may feel like you are being dragged deeper and deeper into that incredibly sad trench of self-loathing. You are immersed in complete and utter darkness that is so powerful it is almost addictive. It is so easy to give in to it. Deep down you know you need to fight, but you have lost the will to live. You will continue to entertain the thought of death until you get too close for comfort and suddenly decide that you crave the light again. Death is not the answer.

When he died, you felt like part of your soul died too. You do not think you will ever find love again and you want him to wait for you. You promised you would see him again one day soon, but you cannot bring yourself to take that step. You knew when you first met him that he was someone special; that the universe brought him to you for a reason. He was your first true love. First, he was merely a distraction from the guilt and disgust you felt after falling victim to your own string of traumas. What you loved most about him was that he showed you how to confidently be completely and unapologetically yourself, no matter what anyone had to say.

It is impossible to live life with no regrets. There are so many things you wish you had done differently; so many experiences you want to forget, but everything you went through will shape the person you will become in the future. Your first love was toxic, complicated, and extremely bad for your sanity. I want you to know that one day you will wake up and you will be sincerely happy. Someone incredible will find their way into your life and show you how truly magical real love and trust can be. This person will both terrify and ignite you. This person will bequeath to you everything you desire and deserve in life. This person will make you feel like your soul is on fire and you could not put it out even if you wanted to. This person will be selfless, brave, and the thing that you be most grateful for is he will never touch a single drug in his life. You will feel safe and secure, because you will have the confidence that this person will fight to come back to you every single day.

So, you see there is a light at the end of this seemingly endless, dark, and grief-stricken tunnel that you are fighting through right now. Those monsters you are battling every day will soon learn that they have no control over you. In the end you will defeat them. This battle will be strenuous and exhausting, and will seem like it lasts forever, but no matter how desperately you may want to, you will never lay your head down and surrender to the darkness. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. What I most desperately want to tell you is to be easy on yourself. You were blind. You never thought he would die. In those six years together, you told him so many times that if he did not clean up his shit he would end up in jail or dead, but you never actually believed he would die. He was doomed from the start. His alcoholic mother and dead-beat drug-using father made damn sure that he would never escape the demons that plagued that family. But you know what? You were the light in his life. Today, I understand that he was not a bad person. He was an exceptionally good person who was born from troubling circumstances, and YOU made his life worth living. He may be gone from your sight and your touch, but he will never leave your heart and he is undoubtedly watching over you. Today, he is happy to see that I am still alive and trying my absolute best to become the best version of myself possible.

I implore you to keep going. No matter how impossible the victory may seem, keep pushing and fighting every day until the day comes when it hurts less, and life seems a bit more beautiful than it did the day before. Once you pass that milestone, you will feel the heaviness start to wane and light and love will find you once again. I love you. You will find someone who loves you even more. What is most important is that you learn to love yourself for the incredibly beautiful soul that you are.

Completely and unapologetically yours,

Your future self.

My own entry into my own challenge. Part truth, part fiction, something to help me work through it all.

---

Two years ago, I went to Italy. It was my last college summer, and my first time out of the country. When I'm being honest, and maybe a little dramatic, I'll tell you that it was the last time I was really, truly, happy. That isn't much of a stretch; I was happy, incredibly so. I traveled the world, stepping further out of my comfort zone than ever, and I had a boy back home I was completely in love with. I spent my days soaking up all the sights of Europe, and my nights staying up way too late talking to him about my days, making up for the time difference. I can still look back on that summer so fondly, although it is a little shadowed by him, as many things were when he left.

I'm thinking about Italy tonight. A specific Italian dish, to be precise. Spaghetti Aglio e Olio, which is basically Italian for spaghetti with a shit ton of olive oil and garlic. A simple recipe for a perfect meal. Simple, delicious, and for those of us who enjoy our pasta on a deeper level, incredibly sexy. It is the dish I chose for tonight, for him. The first meal I've made for a man in well, two years.

So here's the recipe. I'm not one for exact measurements, I measure by eye, so, as I said, we start with a shit ton of garlic and olive oil. At least five cloves of garlic, thinly sliced, more if you're tenacious, and enough olive oil to cover it, drowning it a little. Use the good olive oil, not the cheap kind, we're trying to impress with this dish. I throw the two ingredients into my beloved cast iron skillet, letting them dance together until the garlic is lightly browned. In the meantime, pasta is in the pot boiling. Salted water, of course, always salt the water! I add red pepper flakes to the garlic and olive oil, for a little bit of spice. Fresh parsley and lemon juice sit to the side, to be added to the skillet with the spaghetti and a little of that salty, starchy pasta water. The bottle of white wine chills in the fridge. A tiny splash in the pasta, the rest for drinking. The pasta is almost done, as is the garlic, and I look up at the clock. 7:25. He'll be here in five minutes. I look around my studio apartment. It is cute, but small, all mine. The scent of garlic fills the entire place. I don't always cook with it much, as it ends up making my apartment garlic-scented for a couple days, but hey, special occasion. My eyes linger on the bed for a moment. A downside of a studio apartment is that the bed is always out, on display, essentially the center of attention. I know it will catch his eye as well, maybe make him wonder. It's fine, I thought about it too. I cleaned the place from floor to ceiling, lit candles, put a record on, freshly cleaned sheets on the bed, condoms in the nightstand. We've been on a few dates, so, maybe it is time. First time in two years...

The timer beeps, bringing me back. The spaghetti is done. And then, as if on queue, there's a knock at the door.

I open it. He comes in, and looks around for a moment. His eyes don't linger on the bed, but on the cast iron skillet.

"Hey!" He leans in for a kiss. "It smells wonderful!"