I skun my knuckle on a wooden fence-post once. Nothing sharp on hand, I decided to bite off the resulting flap of pensile epidermis.

I figured it might’ve been soft-ish. Or if hard, then perhaps a biteable hard, like jerky?

But no, it was more like ...rubber, or latex. The corner of my front incisor slid on it, jarringly, not quite making a cut. (the same thing that happens when trying to trim a thick toenail with blunt clippers.)

The pull of my failed attempt tore even more of my skin away and blood started trickling down to my elbow.

At that moment, (After cursing my skin, it’s stupidly clumsy owner, and all her strange compulsions, from climbing fences to picking at sores) I seriously contemplated the possibility of simply letting it dangle.

But of course,

(never being able to leave well enough alone,)

I snaggled,

twisted,

pulled,

pinched,

chewed,

And finally knawed off the dastardly chunk of former-me,

Spitting it behind me,

Back on the other side of that damned infernal fence.

I find

(if you’ll bear with my blunt-toothed metaphors)

That writing’s a bit like that

Sometimes.

It’s difficult to remove and discard a part of you that wants to stay a part of you...

Especially if it is an ugly,

crude,

indigestible part.

Especially if you really want to prove some kind of pathetically all-important point to yourself.

You start questioning your desire to be on the other side of the fence in the first place,

Regard enviously the unscathed climbers,

And look skeptically at the new fences which seem to loom endlessly on,

paddock to greener paddock...

The compulsion to climb them might even start to seem irrational,

painful.

intimidating.

But in the end you must focus on the (plausibly pointless and quite questionable) task at hand:

It is you who control your own teeth,

And your hide is your own to knaw off as you please.

This is a test of how much courage you have. Hold your head up, display good posture and carry on as usual. An intimidator feels threatened by you. He/She will eventually stop the behavior or get even more aggressive which is where they make their most critical mistakes. You may have to bring out the "mama bear." It is difficult to do for us mild natured people. As the country song goes, "Sometimes you got to fight to be a man."

I started freelance writing again was a good before? Maybe. I got hired once so I guess someone believed in my work. I keep finding all these success stories about women writing their way to 7,000 to 10,000 a month from $50 a month and I just want to wake up and be one of those amongst the hard working, don’t give up women! I quit my job in 2019 and started writing then started selling candles and jewelry and other various items on Etsy and that was medium success until you realize how much you sank into a business just to get others to sink some cash into your business. Did i have a plan NO! I completely went after everything i set out to do I was ambitious but a fool with ambition. To be a fool is fine in Tarot the fool represents leaps of faith without fear and yes I was fearless in my leaps. Now 2021 I want to leap i just don’t know where. I want to write and I mean write books, articles anything that will let me express myself with my words and help others on their journey like I am. I’m intimidated by people i dont know and who i think i see. I never think to share my story or journey because I don’t think its interesting enough lol currently if i did share a snippet of my life I am pregnant with baby number 3 and I live home trying to figure out my calling thank god for my mother! I just wish there was someone i could find and talk to then i come to prose because though i express myself i feel okay after even if no one likes or comments i just hope what i wrote someone took something from it and they felt a little better about their crappy day. Well I’ve vented and i feel semi-better i want to start a blog God is that difficult lol i could write about my life and see if anyone can relate. maybe someday i will get off my desk chair and realize i have something to say and people have ears to listen. Or eyes to read i guess. This is an attempt to talk about whats bothering me so if this text is long and ranty idc if that’s a word. You know why. Thanks for reading or just skimming lol - Nijah hope your intimidation leads you somewhere less illusory.

You push,

I break.

I'm weak,

They're fake.

I'm timid

I am shy.

I shiver,

and you wonder why?

I'm small,

You are big,

I gulp,

Your smile widens.

I'm scared,

You show no fear.

I'm aware,

Of why we are here.

You push,

I break.

Can't stop,

Unless, I run away.

I am that which moves in the night.

I am the dark, yet I am the light.

I walk through the world with power and ease.

Never will I not be felt, never will I cease.

I do not preach lies with wisdom and mirth.

Be who you are and act what you’re worth.

Hell is not what you have heard.

It is not a place and not a word.

Hell is inside the weak and broken.

Hell is the one who lives unspoken.

We are not frail, we will not give in,

To the rule of others and their own sin.

Fight for yourself, live as you desire.

Because Hell is in you and you are the fire.

It’s not you I particularly fear.

However, it may not make sense.

It’s your kindness, your smile, your words, your attention,

That may just be me being dense.

I’m confident in who I am -

By warmth and words of power.

But I don’t know your intentions through -

And that is where I cower.