Love

unending energy

that doesn't

need to press the flesh

to burn

eternal.

X X

You do not know my existence and it hurts so bad but I love you forever and I imagine for the day I will see you, how I will hold you in my arms, kiss your cheeks and have a few minutes in heaven with you!

You are my secret angel and I will keep you that way till we meet each other so that you can become my star!

I know, I'm invisible to you.

Here, but not, like an unwanted ninja.

The shoulder to cry on, but to never embrace.

The friend to love, but not like that.

I have loved you for so long, from a distance, three feet away.

Telling you would set my heart and mind free, to be wrapped in the joy that is you.

Or, telling you would push you away, freak you out, force the words out of your mouth I already know and am so afraid of, "my best friend".

I can't lose you to my selfish heart, can't, won't.

I will stay invisible, right by your side.

I can't believe it's already been almost two years since we got to spend any quality time together.

We were always so good about reading what the other was thinking or going through without so much as a single word. The times you helped me through my self hatred, showing me what I can be. The messes I'd get you out of in return. Neither of us ever learned for long, did we?

But when it was time for you to go on forward to your next adventure I fought my family tooth and nail to get you where you deserved. And while it took months to get them to let you leave, it was the right thing. I wish you could've stayed longer. Hell, I know you wish so too.

But maybe someday you can show me all the gardens you've gotten accustomed to stealing from or how to slow down and enjoy what I have now again. I've gotten a lot worse at that without you.

Now that winter is here, I notice your absence more as my feet get cold. You used to always make sure they were warm for me with that big red furry coat of yours, didn't cha' boy?

I smile

You look through me

Past me

At her

I walk away

From perfection

I’ve always loved stargazing,

the glowing reflections

the incandescence

it lays in your eyes and resounds in your heart

with it, my own.

Faulty, and broken am I

to love someone with who I could never hope to see.

I hope it didn't hurt,

I hope you held your best,

and when the last throws of lightning scarred,

I only hope you went out in an equally beautiful array of sparks.

Oh virtuous lady of Spain I have wronged you by not being the man I wished to be. On the day I left you there in your tower of thirty six floors, I went and sat and weeped and wallowed in a pool of my own tears and snot. As the winter has harshened, my soul bawls and yearns for the warmness of your arms and hold. As of now a long hard frost rage cups the roofs, for the most part I have swept my pain under the rug but in the wake of your absence I have quickly realised my bed's far too big for a lonely old soul such as myself. I do love you, I just don't hold the willingness and capacity to love myself as of yet. Don't wait for me, as I am far from the ultimate self realisation that may appropriately bring us together once more. Do please go live your life as you wish, for you evidently hold the key to happiness within the palm of your soft hands. <3

What you didn’t know was that my heart broke a million times. You weren’t hateful when we started. You were kind and funny and unbelievably compassionate. You were young and free. We were inseparable. Our love was insatiable. It left me hungering for more and more; I was never full. My favorite place was to be tangled up in your arms, our skin touching closely. I loved to watch you sleep next to me; to place my head on your chest and listen to the beating of your heart. I remember you waking a delirious me from sleep and my heart skipping at the sight of you. I was young and so were you and we were unbelievably, magically in love. You lied to me in the beginning, a fact that you mercilessly joked about years later. You roped me in, making me believe you were someone you weren’t.

I started to sense we weren’t compatible a few months in. You kept making promises to me then changing your mind. You couldn’t see how in love with you I was. I fell hard and fast. I started to see the way you made fun of people for their weight or for things that they couldn’t change like the color of their skin. I brushed it off; you had a hard upbringing. I thought I could make you into a better man, one who was humble and kind. I thought maybe your arrogance was a coping mechanism. I wanted kids and you led me to believe that you did too. I was still hopelessly in love with the man I believed you wanted to be, with the man I knew I deserved.

Then the pain started. It wasn’t all bad but the times you called me names or poked fun at my weight, it felt like a million tiny knives were going after my heart. You would always follow the pain up with a reprieve, making me believe you truly loved me and you didn’t mean to mess up. I just thought you were broken from a childhood of abuse and neglect. I thought that it wasn’t you. I would cry and threaten to leave if you didn’t change.

You wouldn’t stop asking about my weight. I was already so self-conscious about it due to a childhood of being overweight and bullied. You went on and on, never ever letting up, despite my begging you to stop. You publicly humiliated me, at a museum by making me step on a scale. My heart dropped as you looked at the number and told me it “wasn’t that bad”. I felt the shame again that I had tried to bury deep for so many years. I felt like I didn’t deserve anything beyond the way you treated me. I felt like this was the best I could do and that nobody could ever love someone like me. You continued to berate me and others around you, trying to hide your own insecurities. I cried myself to sleep and asked God why I had to go through this. I asked Him why he would have me love someone who could be so cruel to me.

I considered leaving a lot but my stupid heart betrayed me. It longed for you, for your touch, for your presence. I couldn’t separate my heart from my head. Broken from a lifetime of seeing the women in my family be emotionally abused, I passed it off and said that all men are jerks. I would laugh about what you said to family and friends, instead of realizing that it was abuse. I was being abused.

You would have really good, long runs of treating me well. Those were the honeymoon phases. You would be unbelievably compassionate and kind for a long time. You would be supportive but you never wanted me to succeed. Then, out of nowhere, you would say the most horrific things. My best friend would break my heart over and over again. You said you didn’t want to ask me to marry you, that I pressured you, that you only did it to shut me up. Why ask if you didn’t want it? Why didn’t you just fucking let me go? I tried so many times. I was frozen by your back and forth demeanor. I was pained by your words but ignorant to what they were doing to me. My heart broke a little each time you poisoned it with your daggers. Your words that you couldn’t ever take back. I gave you chance after chance.

As time went on, I became less and less important. Your jealousy of me grew as my career took off. You didn’t like that I made more money than you. You made sure to put down my job whenever you could. You made sure to remind me that you had more power than I did. You made sure to belittle me, to keep me where you wanted me.

You see, my love for you didn’t fade all at once. It faded over time, like a million shards, one by one being pulled away with your neglect and hurtful speak. Every time you reminded me that you didn’t want the commitment of marriage, but you did it any way to ‘shut me up’. Every time you put down my work to make yourself seem more important. Every single time you judged someone for their race or appearance. Every time you called me names. Every time you threw our son in my face. Tiny shards that fell off and would never be replaced.

I fought, I tried to get the shards back. I tried for YEARS to fix us. I tried to talk you into being a better man. I tried to get you to put me first. But, like a wounded kid you did anything to protect yourself and you did anything to make sure that you were first. You kept taking from me and kept trying to push me down. It was a great challenge for me for a while. I could fix you, I thought. It wasn’t your fault you were so broken. How could I hold that against you?

Months turned to years and I became weaker. The shards you broke off gave people the opportunity to take advantage of me; my confidence waivered. I cried more than I was happy. You left all the major responsibilities to me and continued to take care of yourself, sleeping in all hours of the day instead of spending time with your family. Drinking instead of trying to repair us. Choosing to never give up drinking. Thinking you didn’t have a problem when you really did. You were meaner and sickeningly faux compassionate when drunk. It made my blood boil. I decided to leave, to give you an easy way out and you once again fucking conned me. You provided the illusion of a broken man who would change. But, I knew better. I knew you would never change. You continued to drink and your words became bolder. I decided to start fighting back, matching your words with ones of my own. I didn’t recognize the woman I was becoming. I was becoming spiteful and resentful. I was seeing everyone around me as an enemy. You never touched me or tried to heal us. You laughed in my face about it.

You broke my heart a million times over so I was left with no choice but to break yours. I was left with no choice but to put an end to it. I have to find the person I was before you. Maybe she is gone but so is the woman you ‘loved’ and took for granted. She will no longer be your punching bag. She is FREE. She took the millions of shards and all the power she had left and left you. The strength of all the women hurt by men like you, generations back in her matriarchy, was with her when she packed your things and put them in the driveway. Their spirits were with her when she signed the divorce papers. I am no longer her and I will never be her again. She died that day and she will never be back.

Sometimes loving someone is never enough...

although, growing up we were thought at love conquers all.

somewhere between feeling completely shattered and extremely happy there was a center of numbness.

i had learned that i could love you but at some point it would be not enough to keep us together and all i would be left behind with invisible scars and a bunch of memories that were no longer relevant yet still tore at he parts of my heard that a glue gun could only patch up.