Huck’s Tool-Shed Diet Book
The “All I Want for Christmas” Tool-Shed “Juicer’s Only” Diet
Using only a hammer, screwdriver, and needle-nosed pliers taken from the tool-shed, remove a tooth a day until there are no more. This experiment will make eating painful at start and inconvenient later. This diet also offers unexpected value by eliminating:
1- the expense of future dental maintenance
2- the time involved in three daily brushings and flossing’s.
3- the worries of romance.
The Out Behind the Tool-Shed Diet
Pay a large, mean person to follow you around and beat the snot out of you every time you reach for a Reece’s, a Big Mac, a brownie, or a Mountain Dew. (To include ice cream if it is a particular problem, and I would bet that it is.)
The Out Front of the Tool-Shed Diet
Take your unused bicycle out of the shed. Put your pantry, refrigerator, and car keys inside where the bike was, then chain an unfamiliar Rottweiler in front of the shed's door. Five feet beyond the chain’s length place the bicycle. You can think about the food in the pantry and fridge, but I wouldn't advise going there! Instead, use the bike to ride to the store once you are completely famished and must eat something.
This diet is great for maintaining a steady weight, as you cannot carry a great many donuts while riding a bike. This diet is also cost effective, as the dog works best when he, too, is hungry.
The Eat Only What You Can Find or Kill Inside the Too-Shed Diet
This diet is self-explanatory, and is very, very effective... ick!
The Use The Tools Inside The Tool-Shed Diet
That’s right, the scariest diet yet! Get out there and work the weight off! (You could even earn a dime or two as an added bonus, if you were so industrious as to carry the tools over to a neighbor’s yard before you begin.)
I wish you all good luck in choosing the diet that works best for you!
How To Lose...Wait!
1. Go to a thrift store. Buy clothes a couple sizes too large. Walk around. People will ask if you've lost weight and inquire about your health.
2. Eat only boiled Brussel sprouts*. No matter what: eat only boiled Brussel sprouts. * no salt, pepper or other seasonings or sauces allowed.
3. Become a nudist. Live only in nudist communities, never wear clothes again.
4. Walk the entire Appalachian Trail. Bring no supplies beg off other hikers when possible. Eating bark and bugs allowed.
5. Stop comparing yourself to anyone else. Get off social media (except Prose), stop TV and streaming. Avoid any and all advertising. Wear what is comfortable. Eat when hungry. Smash your scale. Feed your purpose. Forget about appearances.
Five utterly fantastic, easy and entirely possible tips for weight loss
1. Move to the moon, of course. You will instantly be six times lighter!
2. Change the gravitational pull of the earth. It’s easy, some measly supernatural power is all you need.
3. Transform into a small animal. Like a squirrel or rabbit. You can lose weight and look adorable, too!
4. Go skydiving for eternity. If you never stop falling, you will literally be weightless forever!
5. And of course there is the old classic, transform the very structure of your body. Turn your bones to feather, your flesh to wind. Who needs to be a solid form, anyway?
Innovative Tips...iness (In 5 helpful stumbles)
Necessity is the mother of self-delusion ~ Hugh Laurie
1) Carefully read this incredibly helpful and marvelously contradictory list which is not only outrageously unhelpful but also incapable of contradicting itself.
2) Get fat. The fatter you are the easier it is to lose weight.
3) Chop off a limb. (Bonus tip: aftlegs are heavier forelegs in most bipedal omnivores.)
4) Motivate your inner thrifty drunkard: The lighter you get the less booze it takes to achieve the desired effect, thus the more you save on alcohol-related expenditures. Disclaimer: this mind-trick only works for moderately parsimonious tipplers, as the truly frugal ones will tell you that you should quit drinking entirely as it is an unnecessary expense, which (as the true alcoholics will retort) is not only purportlessly stupid but completely missing the point.
5) Don't read this list. This list is so depressingly, despicably and reproachfully useless that reading it will almost certainly assure weight-gain. Thus, by not reading it you are in effect virtually guaranteed weight-loss. The best part is you don't even have to do anything, and success is 100% guaranteed.*
*The reader agrees that as soon as the reader expects success all guarantees are null and void.
1) I once lost 158 lbs. of useless fat in one afternoon. I hear he married a stripper in Lodi, New Jersey.
2) Try the Donald Trump diet—just get full of baloney.
3) Beer and Alpo. (You work like a dog, anyway)
4) For appetite suppression-paste a photo of Ted Cruz on your fridge. (If you can’t find one then use Mike Lindell)
Go to the newsstand
Buy your favorite mullet-wrapper
Read what Congress is up to
Vote ’em out
This would let the whole country lose a lot of dead weight
Follow, thou fatted lamb, these crooked guides and thy wool veiled brow shall be sheared.
Thou shalt not consume anything thou hast not harvested (hunted/gathered/grown) and prepared thyself - thy marital status not-with-standing. (I recommended this to my father. His momentary consideration that this is a possible reality in at least one of the infinite quantum universes brought on temporary paralysis - during this brief time, he did not eat.)
Thou shalt harvest, prepare, and consume food using only implements crafted by thine own hands (Spoon, fork, knife, cup, plate, bowl, pot, pan, bow, atlatl… fire… etc. Once you’ve built a friction fire you’ll never respect cardio equipment at the gym.)
If thou must purchase food, scribe for thyself a scroll of thine favorite foods - never shalt thou purchase these. (If the only food you have available when you’re bored is food you don’t like, you’re much less likely to eat it. Even if you do eat it, you’ll eat less.)
Thou shalt not smoke thine house plants. (That’s roughage, dear, eat them instead. There’s more than one definition of a tossed salad, and Paul Newman’s charity was not created with your definition in mind.)
Thy feelings are not food. (You can’t change your feelings, let alone make them go away, by eating.)
I lost 3 pounds in 6 months--you can do it too!
You look in the mirror and see yourself. "Oh my god I'm fat!" you think, perhaps even scream out loud, "Why am I so fat?"
You rush to your phone, your tablet, your laptop, your computer, and you type "how to lose weight" in Google's search box.
You think for a second, then modify the search to "how to lose weight fast."
Yes this should do it. You read through the first page of results, half of which are advertisements. You click on the five that aren't ads. Two of them show you pictures of very muscular men and two show pictures of contrast pictures of two mid-aged women who clearly weren't living a healthy lifestyle. The last one you click on shows you a pop-up ad: is your fat body affecting your performance in bed?
My darling, don't bother. The exact same thing happened to me six months ago, but I managed to lose 3 pounds already by following these 5 tips strictly. It was probably the biggest achievement I have accomplished since kindergarten--you know, the time when I successfully reclaimed that toy I very much wanted from Laura who got it from her grandma but refused to share with me.
Anyhow, here they are.
1. Smash all your electronic devices. Studies show (doesn't matter what studies) that electronic devices are the number-one cause of laziness. Life is simply too simple with these little inventions. We must connect to our true selves and return to mother nature. Phones? TVs? Computers? No! All those screens are keeping your attention with the tremendous amount of radiation that sucks you in. Rejecting this radiation and releasing your butt from the couch is the first step to mobility.
2. Get a Mastiff. You've probably read about how keeping a pet is good for your health. Indeed, researchers have proved this is scientific. To achieve maximum weight-loss fact from your pet, I recommend getting a Mastiff (minimum weight 140lbs) and lifting it 30 times/group, 8 groups a day. It's also a great way to enhance your relationship with the pup.
3. Leave your partner. Does this sound too cruel? Don't worry, your partner will get over it sooner than you'd expect, especially when you give up all your money in the bank account. This aspect of weight loss is highly underrated, but many don't realize that in order to lose weight, you must lose yourself first--after all, that's 150lbs right there that you don't really need. But the healthiest way to eliminate oneself is not by suicide--no, never ever would I recommend that to anyone--but by losing the love of your life. It is also a great way to test if it's true love. If you find yourself losing your mind, your feelings, your sleeping habit, eating habits, social life, and weight, you know you made the right choice to be the right person. One stone two birds.
4. Stop writing journals. I know, I know--all the mindfulness coaches have stressed to you the importance of keeping a journal. Your therapist probably recommended it too. But the truth is, writing journals might make you feel fulfillment, especially when you reflect in-text things that you achieved, even the slightest things like putting on your socks on your own or finally drinking a cup of tea without choking four times. We don't want fulfillment. That's bad for weight loss. We want emptiness, both physically and metaphorically. So take that cute journal that Aunt Mary bought you last Christmas and burn it on your stove. You will feel so much lighter.
5. If you've made it this far, congratulations! You are very determined person and deserve to know my last and most important weight-loss tip--read books. A wise man used to say that "books are the best food," and he's absolutely right. When you feed your mind with knowledge, you will find the satisfaction that no food could ever offer. Read three times a day regularly to allow your brain to digest all the wisdom that you are absorbing. If it becomes too dry, I sometimes also chug a bottle of wine. To help you start, some of my favorite titles are:
Stronger Looks Better Naked by Khloe Kardashian (2015)
Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and Also Robbing God of Priesthood Children!! by Eliyzabeth Yanne Strong-Anderson (2007)
Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power: How to Use the Other 90 % of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts by Donald L. Wilson (1979)
Eating People Is Wrong by Malcolm Bradbury (1978)
The Parallax View by Slavoj Zizek (2009)
The journey of weight loss isn't an easy one, but you must be determined and have faith in yourself. You must ignore the voices around you and maybe from within you that doubt the choices that you make, but remember: you are your own person. The fat is on YOUR body, and it's your job to make YOUR body look like every model on a Victoria's Secret show. A dream will not realize itself, so follow my tips and start today. When you look back at this journey after years, you will be glad that you read through these tips.
(Seriously though, don't even think about losing weight in any way harmful to your body. Love your body and screw those who make fun of your body. You are you and that's beautiful.)
5 helpful tips that may not be helpful if you think about it.
1. Think about your divorce
When you think about your divorce, you cry
if you cry, you exert energy
you exert energy, you lose calories
you lose calories, you lose weight. Ta-da.
2. Try catching the homerun ball - The amount of time you wait for the ball to land in your glove will slowly burn away your weight. It also helps you forget your wife left you. (This tip is detrimental to the previous tip.)
3. Dial M for Mother Hotline - Call a surrogate mother using the Mother Hotline and cry to your fake mother that your wife left you. Weight guaranteed to be lost.
4. Decorate the Christmas Tree - Decorate the tree with all the ordainments from your previous relationship, and set it on fire. The heat from the tree will make you smile and laugh. If you laugh for 10 to 15 minutes, you will lose between 10 to 40 calories.
5. Touch Uranium-238 - Do not eat this material, it will kill you and Touch the material to allow radiation to slowly make you lose your body mass. Hopefully, it will be enough to get your wife to take you back. (Please, Laura, take me back.)
“You Shall Go to the Ball!”
Remember Cinderella's stepsisters? Well, they were excellent with losing weight.
1. Buy extra small corsets in order to force yourself to eat only one or maybe two bites of food. Then have your stepsister, who has no idea she's going to be a princess, use all her strength from hauling water buckets to squeeze your waist until you can't breathe or bend over. Works like a charm!
2. This next one is not for the faint-hearted. Take a cleaver or run to the butcher and grab one of their knives. Now, carefully cut off chunks of your feet. The heal or toes are the most popular places. While blood is still pouring out of your feet, stick them into exquisitely designed shoes made just for your small-footed stepsister. You will feel lighter immediately!
3. Watch out, you might be blinded. When your aforementioned stepsister finally marries her prince, and you get to stand on the balcony with her, hire some ravens to peck your eyes out. You'll be in agony for days, but that doesn't matter. You'll feel so much better once you realize you can't see how fat you are!
4. This one, yet again, involves your stepsister. Follow your stepsister around, mercilessly teasing her. Make sure to yell at her until you lose your voice. Your newly chiseled jaw muscles might just cause that young man (or woman), that you've been eying for a while, ask to court you. When Stepsister tries to follow you to the royal ball, tear her dress and necklace into shreds. Excellent bicep and triceps workout. Force her to do your bidding by ordering her around. Walk back and forth, making sure you follow her around like a nagging fly. Make sure she gets those chamber pots!
5. Learn to sing like a braying donkey or sketch like a bird who can't hold a pencil. Sing every day at high volumes in order to further your singing. Good thing you are tone deaf. Sing so much that it physically hurts to eat. Watch all those calories wash away! If you prefer not to sing, don't worry! We've got another option for you too! Pick up a piece of paper and a pen. Scribble until you cannot anymore. Make sure each picture looks like your anguish when your suitor decides to court another lady or gentlemen. Your sore arms will discourage you from ever picking up a fork. Let all those emotions out!
Hmm... I wonder what Hansel and Gretal might have to offer.
Life’s too short; eat that piece of cake or not...
1. eat shit
2. throw up shit
3. rinse out the taste of shit with lots of booze
4. pass out
you'll be on your way to heroin chic in no time.
excuse me while I go enjoy the tiramisu in my fridge.