Toxic love is an oxymoron.
If it is toxic it isn't love
if it is love it would lay down its life rather than be toxic.
People want lots of types of relationships to be love
because if they are called love
there must be goodness
worth suffering for
when too often
they feel they are getting what they deserve
thinking so little of their own worth
they've come to believe
very harmful unpleasant pervasive insidious interconnections
better than going it alone.
Disengaging alone will raise your self-esteem.
Your deserve better.
Loves Elastic Lusts a Spastic
Sad and sick of seeking something better suiting our sensitivities elsewhere. We tip toe around a minefield of better left unsaid rhetoric to get back to there.
Situated in that sensational station we found formerly agreeably fare. The place the passion that pleased us previously presided. Even though it was absent that last innumerable number times we tried to find it. At that spot I thought and you exclaimed was the same. Appearing to have experienced such. But unfortunately for I and you. Your act was overplayed a touch. Ensuring my ego wouldn’t allow itself to be saved.
By your gracelessly delivered lie. I tried to be hush hush but you probably garnered as much. When I didn’t gush but brushed over that fact in a rush to ferry your focus elsewhere.
Because the misery we grown to know. Beats the thought of searching thru a sea of psychotic suitors. Just to settle on another sycophant we don’t. Whatever we loved. The times of it coming regularly are long gone. So sporadic it’s become barely a memory.
Liar! Liar! Flame retardant pants? Don't catch fire! Hey this just dawned on me. "To infinity and beyond" is a dumb blondes catch phrase.
I love my mother
and She loves me back
and that may be the most twisted part about it
Because telling her my secrets
would stop the love from flowing
and leaving her
would mean ending everything that had just began
so I stuck
in sticky tar discomfort
The first time (and hopefully last time) I ever watched Euphoria was a few days ago. It was my first date that I was kinda excited for, though it ended just like the other one with me just ready to go home. There's nothing wrong with the guy, but even tequila and weed couldn't make the night any better. Euphoria was, in his words, "too real for me". I don't know if it's real or not that the youth are struggling with drugs and fucking adults and running from their problems by hiding themselves in problematic behaviour. I spent my entire high school career waiting to get out of high school. I mean, fundamentally, there's nothing wrong with the show. It just triggered various memories from high school that I've slowly and surely been peeling from my memory like an old sticker you forgot was on your locker two years ago.
I don't go through things like normal people. I've lived vicariously through people like Rue and Jules that are fucking up their lives to forget stuff they've been dragged through. The only thing is, once the series ends, no one wants to go back and rewatch that shit. Once that painful fifteen-year-old life is in the past, you do everything you can to never go back to it, to the point where even the brief memory makes you want to hide under a bed until it goes away. I guess he just didn't understand. I don't blame him. I'm pretty hard to understand as a person I guess.
I didn't like him. I knew that from the jump, which begs to question why I would ever even go on a date with him. I explain it as God's permissive will, when you keep asking and asking and asking for something you think you want, and God lets you even though he told your dumbass "no" for a reason. For me, that was sex. Spoiler alert, I'm still a virgin, though there's now slightly more experience with being around a human overnight than before. However, even if I wasn't, I still don't think I would've wanted a repeat of the experience.
It was my first time, so I can't really say it was "good" or "bad". It hurt, but of course it did, because it was new and I've never done anything like that before. But, I mean enough about my body. The challenge has nothing to do with the physical. In fact, I'm not writing this out to judge him or rant and say he sucked or lament that when I enquired if this was going to be a regular thing, he told me no. I actually don't feel any of that. The physical pain stopped a little after I got home and the mental anguish of almost fucking up in a way that I would've regretted is slowly melting away as I talk more. There's no relationship and there really aren't that many feelings for him. Except for a twinge of anticipation for whether or not our contact is actually over, I can't honestly say that I feel much of anything.
The reason I jumped at this challenge was to impart some advice. Even if it's just for me in the future when I get the opportunity to be with someone again. Don't submit to anyone that doesn't love you. As someone into BDSM and all that shit, I learned that the hard way (*luckily, not physically; and this guy isn't who I'm talking about*), but I don't just mean sexually. I mean, you know when you vibe with someone. You know when someone just gets you and when you feel so comfortable with someone that you feel like literally nothing about you will scare them off. You know when there's something inside you that never wants one person to leave. I'd encourage you to chase that feeling.
My first love hurt me in a way that I didn't think I could be hurt. It left me scarred and it hurt. But, oddly enough, we're friends. Not even in that stupid "hoping he'll get better so I can have a happily ever" sort of way. He's like my older brother and I trust him with my life because despite that romantical love being unrequited, he still is someone I feel comfortable with, and even after my heart was broken, I noticed that I still trusted him despite that. Even though he hurt me, I can tell this person still cares and loves me and I still feel that same gentle comfort that I felt before and mistook as love.
My advice to you reading this is to not be with anyone that doesn't fill you with butterflies or make you feel understood. I don't only mean romantically; I mean period. The reason I went on this date, I later realized, was that I had kinda given up. I'm hard to understand. I wanted to try something normal with the wrong person and even though the signs were there to not pursue this, I did anyway because I thought it might have worked out and I'd grow into the relationship. But, I realized that that's not what happens. You just end up settling and hiding parts of you and while some people can do that and feign contentment for the rest of their life, I am not that person. I wouldn't recommend being that person either.
I'm not quite sure how to end this. I'm very happy I didn't settle because I felt I should. I'm really happy I wasn't just like, "This is fine" and went with the flow because I wanted to feel normal for once. I don't really have regrets because if it wasn't him that I settled for, it would've been someone else. Maybe someone that was fine settling and then I could've been in a relationship trying my hardest to force a puzzle piece that just wasn't fitting. I'm not quite sure though. The only thing that came out of this was a promise that the next time I'm intimate with someone, they're going to be someone I feel comfortable with and close to. I feel like after having this experience, that promise will be a lot easier to keep since I don't want to feel like I'm settling ever again.
For Me, Not You
For someone so obsessed with himself,
I still found you devastatingly charming.
I still can’t quit asking myself,
“Why didn’t I find that alarming?”
You doomed us from the start,
blamed me for all of your distrust.
It’s no surprise we fell apart,
we were built on dying star dust.
I thought you could see me,
but blind you were after all.
Maybe we had love in the sea,
though we quickly withered in the fall.
I have scars on my wrist
they still hurt to the touch.
It reminds me of the stories you twist,
but you have lost your crutch.
You made me question my reality
and still I pulled you nearer.
Claimed I lived in duality…
Have you tried looking into a mirror?
Memories turn to nightmares-
I will remember you like this.
All the sleepless nights of the tears,
I guess that’s love with a narcissist?
To you I express this wordlessly,
And god knows it will haunt me:
I will love you endlessly,
yet I thank you for setting me free.
Getting Over You
I've written something for every emotion
When it comes to you, I feel it all
One moment I'm happy
The next I'm crying so hard I feel like I'll flood the earth
But I go through it so I can stay with you
Even though sometimes I feel like I'll be so free without you
You put me through some things I never thought would ever happen
I never wanted to feel that fear
Thinking you were gone, forever
Every message you sent felt like another chain
That kept me connected to you
Sometimes it made me feel safe
But other times
It felt like you were a weight
Keeping me on the ocean floor
When I wanted to be up on the beach
To see the sunlight
To really feel
Not to just go through the motions like I was with you
And I didn't even know I was
Until it was over
You finally made me snap and leave
And you acted like you were proud of me
How dare you?
What's left of me is a shell of what I used to be
But you don't get a bit of it
You get to see me move on and get over you
Even if it takes forever
I will forget you
I hope I will
there’s a vase on the ground
I broke it a long time ago
swept it under my bed
for safe keeping
it’s learned to shimmer in its fragments
today it told me it still hurts
We took off quite quickly,
flew through the clouds in the sky,
knowing that we had this chance to crash,
but hope, that we would survive.
Eventually, turbulence got the best of us.
There was nothing left to discuss.
My starlight shone brighter
You couldn't take the heat
So you tossed me like a lighter
Onto happy memories
You said there's only one king
To sit upon the throne
I hope you're satisfied.
You'll be sitting there alone.
I would've given you all of me
Been all you need
But now I'm freed
My spotlight washed your darkness
It's the hardest
part to admit the truth
Had to cut this anchor loose
Don't blame me
Wings are spreading
Took to the sky
But I'm not getting
Anywhere with you
Holding me down
Let me fly
You can keep the crown.
You say it's love
But you only show me
When it's you that's in control
You like me broken
I was hoping
You'd make me stronger
But you won't be
The angel of mercy
I always thought you were
Your words can still hurt me
Your questions of my worth
My spotlight washed your darkness
I'm better solo
Watch this spark that
Your bitter waters always drowned
I like this burning strength I've found
Don't blame me
I'm on fire
Just look away
As I burn brighter
Cannot be drowned
Just let me burn
You can keep the crown
She came back!
She came back
Like a hurricane
She came back
To play you or win you
You asking yourself why now
Or how she find you
Darling, she never left
She was still there
In a relationship both of you
But your voice says it all
I feel so lost
I now know
Said you got angry by that
Darling it hurts much
You might actually take her back
How can I compete to that?
She came back
Already in your head
She came back
Are you gonna talk with her?
On the phone
Try not to cry
Try to be fine
While I crack inside