If it is toxic it isn't love

if it is love it would lay down its life rather than be toxic.

People want lots of types of relationships to be love

because if they are called love

there must be goodness

worth suffering for

when too often

they feel they are getting what they deserve

thinking so little of their own worth

they've come to believe

that

very harmful unpleasant pervasive insidious interconnections

better than going it alone.

It isn't.

Disengaging alone will raise your self-esteem.

Aim higher.

Your deserve better.

Sad and sick of seeking something better suiting our sensitivities elsewhere. We tip toe around a minefield of better left unsaid rhetoric to get back to there.

Situated in that sensational station we found formerly agreeably fare. The place the passion that pleased us previously presided. Even though it was absent that last innumerable number times we tried to find it. At that spot I thought and you exclaimed was the same. Appearing to have experienced such. But unfortunately for I and you. Your act was overplayed a touch. Ensuring my ego wouldn’t allow itself to be saved.

By your gracelessly delivered lie. I tried to be hush hush but you probably garnered as much. When I didn’t gush but brushed over that fact in a rush to ferry your focus elsewhere.

Because the misery we grown to know. Beats the thought of searching thru a sea of psychotic suitors. Just to settle on another sycophant we don’t. Whatever we loved. The times of it coming regularly are long gone. So sporadic it’s become barely a memory.

Liar! Liar! Flame retardant pants? Don't catch fire! Hey this just dawned on me. "To infinity and beyond" is a dumb blondes catch phrase.

I love my mother

and She loves me back

and that may be the most twisted part about it

Because telling her my secrets

would stop the love from flowing

and leaving her

would mean ending everything that had just began

so I stuck

in sticky tar discomfort

The first time (and hopefully last time) I ever watched Euphoria was a few days ago. It was my first date that I was kinda excited for, though it ended just like the other one with me just ready to go home. There's nothing wrong with the guy, but even tequila and weed couldn't make the night any better. Euphoria was, in his words, "too real for me". I don't know if it's real or not that the youth are struggling with drugs and fucking adults and running from their problems by hiding themselves in problematic behaviour. I spent my entire high school career waiting to get out of high school. I mean, fundamentally, there's nothing wrong with the show. It just triggered various memories from high school that I've slowly and surely been peeling from my memory like an old sticker you forgot was on your locker two years ago.

I don't go through things like normal people. I've lived vicariously through people like Rue and Jules that are fucking up their lives to forget stuff they've been dragged through. The only thing is, once the series ends, no one wants to go back and rewatch that shit. Once that painful fifteen-year-old life is in the past, you do everything you can to never go back to it, to the point where even the brief memory makes you want to hide under a bed until it goes away. I guess he just didn't understand. I don't blame him. I'm pretty hard to understand as a person I guess.

I didn't like him. I knew that from the jump, which begs to question why I would ever even go on a date with him. I explain it as God's permissive will, when you keep asking and asking and asking for something you think you want, and God lets you even though he told your dumbass "no" for a reason. For me, that was sex. Spoiler alert, I'm still a virgin, though there's now slightly more experience with being around a human overnight than before. However, even if I wasn't, I still don't think I would've wanted a repeat of the experience.

It was my first time, so I can't really say it was "good" or "bad". It hurt, but of course it did, because it was new and I've never done anything like that before. But, I mean enough about my body. The challenge has nothing to do with the physical. In fact, I'm not writing this out to judge him or rant and say he sucked or lament that when I enquired if this was going to be a regular thing, he told me no. I actually don't feel any of that. The physical pain stopped a little after I got home and the mental anguish of almost fucking up in a way that I would've regretted is slowly melting away as I talk more. There's no relationship and there really aren't that many feelings for him. Except for a twinge of anticipation for whether or not our contact is actually over, I can't honestly say that I feel much of anything.

The reason I jumped at this challenge was to impart some advice. Even if it's just for me in the future when I get the opportunity to be with someone again. Don't submit to anyone that doesn't love you. As someone into BDSM and all that shit, I learned that the hard way (*luckily, not physically; and this guy isn't who I'm talking about*), but I don't just mean sexually. I mean, you know when you vibe with someone. You know when someone just gets you and when you feel so comfortable with someone that you feel like literally nothing about you will scare them off. You know when there's something inside you that never wants one person to leave. I'd encourage you to chase that feeling.

My first love hurt me in a way that I didn't think I could be hurt. It left me scarred and it hurt. But, oddly enough, we're friends. Not even in that stupid "hoping he'll get better so I can have a happily ever" sort of way. He's like my older brother and I trust him with my life because despite that romantical love being unrequited, he still is someone I feel comfortable with, and even after my heart was broken, I noticed that I still trusted him despite that. Even though he hurt me, I can tell this person still cares and loves me and I still feel that same gentle comfort that I felt before and mistook as love.

My advice to you reading this is to not be with anyone that doesn't fill you with butterflies or make you feel understood. I don't only mean romantically; I mean period. The reason I went on this date, I later realized, was that I had kinda given up. I'm hard to understand. I wanted to try something normal with the wrong person and even though the signs were there to not pursue this, I did anyway because I thought it might have worked out and I'd grow into the relationship. But, I realized that that's not what happens. You just end up settling and hiding parts of you and while some people can do that and feign contentment for the rest of their life, I am not that person. I wouldn't recommend being that person either.

I'm not quite sure how to end this. I'm very happy I didn't settle because I felt I should. I'm really happy I wasn't just like, "This is fine" and went with the flow because I wanted to feel normal for once. I don't really have regrets because if it wasn't him that I settled for, it would've been someone else. Maybe someone that was fine settling and then I could've been in a relationship trying my hardest to force a puzzle piece that just wasn't fitting. I'm not quite sure though. The only thing that came out of this was a promise that the next time I'm intimate with someone, they're going to be someone I feel comfortable with and close to. I feel like after having this experience, that promise will be a lot easier to keep since I don't want to feel like I'm settling ever again.

For someone so obsessed with himself,

I still found you devastatingly charming.

I still can’t quit asking myself,

“Why didn’t I find that alarming?”

You doomed us from the start,

blamed me for all of your distrust.

It’s no surprise we fell apart,

we were built on dying star dust.

I thought you could see me,

but blind you were after all.

Maybe we had love in the sea,

though we quickly withered in the fall.

I have scars on my wrist

they still hurt to the touch.

It reminds me of the stories you twist,

but you have lost your crutch.

You made me question my reality

and still I pulled you nearer.

Claimed I lived in duality…

Have you tried looking into a mirror?

Memories turn to nightmares-

I will remember you like this.

All the sleepless nights of the tears,

I guess that’s love with a narcissist?

To you I express this wordlessly,

And god knows it will haunt me:

I will love you endlessly,

yet I thank you for setting me free.

I've written something for every emotion

When it comes to you, I feel it all

One moment I'm happy

The next I'm crying so hard I feel like I'll flood the earth

But I go through it so I can stay with you

Even though sometimes I feel like I'll be so free without you

You put me through some things I never thought would ever happen

I never wanted to feel that fear

Thinking you were gone, forever

Every message you sent felt like another chain

That kept me connected to you

Sometimes it made me feel safe

But other times

It felt like you were a weight

Keeping me on the ocean floor

When I wanted to be up on the beach

To see the sunlight

To feel

To really feel

Not to just go through the motions like I was with you

And I didn't even know I was

Until it was over

You finally made me snap and leave

And you acted like you were proud of me

How dare you?

So now

What's left of me is a shell of what I used to be

But you don't get a bit of it

You get to see me move on and get over you

Even if it takes forever

I will forget you

At least

I hope I will

there’s a vase on the ground

I broke it a long time ago

swept it under my bed

for safe keeping

it’s learned to shimmer in its fragments

today it told me it still hurts

We took off quite quickly,

flew through the clouds in the sky,

knowing that we had this chance to crash,

but hope, that we would survive.

Eventually, turbulence got the best of us.

There was nothing left to discuss.

My starlight shone brighter

You couldn't take the heat

So you tossed me like a lighter

Onto happy memories

You said there's only one king

To sit upon the throne

I hope you're satisfied.

You'll be sitting there alone.

I would've given you all of me

Been all you need

But now I'm freed

My spotlight washed your darkness

Gone solo

It's the hardest

part to admit the truth

Had to cut this anchor loose

Don't blame me

Wings are spreading

Took to the sky

But I'm not getting

Anywhere with you

Holding me down

Let me fly

You can keep the crown.

You say it's love

But you only show me

When it's you that's in control

See?

You like me broken

I was hoping

You'd make me stronger

But you won't be

The angel of mercy

I always thought you were

Your words can still hurt me

Your questions of my worth

My spotlight washed your darkness

I'm better solo

Watch this spark that

Your bitter waters always drowned

I like this burning strength I've found

Don't blame me

I'm on fire

Just look away

As I burn brighter

Eternal flames

Cannot be drowned

Just let me burn

You can keep the crown

She came back

Like a hurricane

She came back

To play you or win you

You asking yourself why now

Or how she find you

Darling, she never left

She was still there

In a relationship both of you

But your voice says it all

I feel so lost

I now know

Said you got angry by that

Darling it hurts much

You might actually take her back

How can I compete to that?

She came back

Already in your head

She came back

Are you gonna talk with her?

On the phone

Try not to cry

Try to be fine

While I crack inside