We all at times
shed the tears of true pain
yes they’re bitter,
and they’re real.
But we do not give in
for there’s always a hope,
and to heal.
So take hold of the reins
do not succumb!
for true pain never dies
it sleepeth ...
I hold a light
A light no one sees
Though I try with all my might
I tell them of His saving grace
And of the freedom I found
With one look upon His face
My heart squeezes painfully, crying out for them to see
Though I know they wish for me to just let it be
But I know of the flames that will consume their souls
If only they'd see, see with their hearts, the light that will save them from scorching coals
I see a way, a way of everlasting life
But they don't see it and ask me to stop causing so much strife
This gut wrenching agony makes me ill
But I know a One that says be still
Be free, they say, don't let the devil be your bane
But living a life without Him would only cause me pain
Crimson seeps, smirking
from the open wound of
what could have been
Foresight is a stronger sound
than the whispers of regret
cuts that separate heroes
from their legends and
force their bearers into tombs
Violent beginnings, violent ends
A crumpled form
leaned against wall and frame
stalks slowly to meet her needs
Three years past, reflections are murky
Each step takes a lifetime
He puts me at ease.
The part that makes me so selfish, so mad..
So desolate in my emotions is that you protrude my thoughts.
He makes me so happy now.
You don’t have any right
I don’t have the right.
I’m saddened by the loss, sure.
But I’m angrier, that after everything I’ve done for you,
You put your dirty hands on me.
Called me a child,
You sounded ridiculous.
I tried to stoop to your level, to stand my ground
Until you passed out from intoxication.
More beer in the fridge.
Your roommate said his girlfriend was uncomfortable around you,
So you came into the bedroom,
Took me by the neck,
Let the spit seep from your mouth while you slewed your vile insults,
And promised to fuck me senseless after you had “one more” smoke.
A hearty smack for good measure.
I don’t drink a lot, the whisky lulled me to sleep,
You ran out of smokes.
I’m in therapy, and painfully self aware
I know that one shouldn’t have to earn happiness.
Yet I’m so fucked up,
So riddled in trauma
That a friend said to me once
Every time you open your mouth, you tell a sad story.
I was just reminiscing.
I tried to call you today after hearing the news.
But i hadn’t the strength to lift the phone
Nor the breath in which to speak.
As much as I desired to,
I could not be the strength you needed from me.
As much as I needed to run to your side,
I could barely stand on my own two feet.
How does one breath with no air in their lungs
How could I tell you how badly it hurts.
When I know you are suffering just as deeply as I.
Today we lost someone together,
Even though we are apart.
Today we all suffer from a broken heart.
I tried to call you today after hearing the news
But a part of my heart passed away as well
And even though I didn’t call, or run to be by your side,
I know you are never going to be alone…
Now that our angel has gone home.
I astound me
Never say worse
life has a way of
rewarding that word
It could be worse
and it is
and because of all the
I am strong
I can carry the bigger burden
I can tolerate the worst hurt
My life has shown me
Pain is bearable
in amounts and severity
unimaginable even a decade ago
loss, physical hurts, fear,
all have their place in my past
And the future is still dear
Even as I approach another
birthday, joy, love, hope,
are the balance
and the way is clear
to feel more, do more, be more
when I'm sixty four
so damn hard
to be perfect
and to fulfill every expectation.
I do everything you ask,
then go above and beyond.
I do it with the prayer
that maybe soon you’ll love me.
And it hurts.
and play the perfect daughter
so that you’ll never have to explain
why our family is in fragments.
I comfort your children, stifling my own tears
and be the mother you’re supposed to be.
Yet when you look at me
your eyes say I’m not enough.
And it hurts.
You will never truly see
exactly what you’ve put me through.
There are scars tattooed on my conscience
and scars that once bled crimson.
And you’ll never get to see those scars
because you don’t care to accept the truth.
If I were to show you
my ears would ring from your melodic screeches.
And it hurts.
With every step
it gets harder to breathe.
And every step I feel
myself slowly shattering.
But somehow I’ve succeeded
though I’ve been weighed down
by iron chains you bound me with.
I’ve amazed even myself.
Then I realized what hurts so much.
The poisoned arrow you pierced me with,
that once inflicted nearly fatal pain
was the moment when I saw
that in your eyes:
I only ever fail.
the worst scene
in cinematic history
except it’s bodies
the sky grey
That moment, when you realize that true love isn‘t a fairytale and you touch your white knight in shining amour. Only to watch it immediately fade to black and vanish. Your heart turns from a vibrant red to a smokeless white. Your lungs exhale grief in the form of cinders and ash.
Your eyes bleed salty tears without signs of cessation.
Your soul believes, beckons, bargains, and breaks.
over and again.
the constant silence, rattles your memories.
They bounce around and cripple your thoughts.
You can’t scream.
You can’t cry.
And you can never have that love that was ripped from your grasp. By the very human being who offered it to you in the first place.
You are powerless.
You are broken
You are battered
and you are dead
both inside and out.
Many nights I lay awake, and my heart breaks to the core. so much that the tears swell in my eyes yet they never seem to escape through their exit points. A knot in my throat that hurts so bad I have no desire to speak. well, actually I wouldn't be able to even if I tried.
For a brief moments of my silent tears, I hold onto the pillow just so the shrilling, shivering ,screeching sound of my screams are muffled.
I never thought I would love anyone more than my future husband, but I was wrong. I did fall in love again. A much deeper love that lasted two months. A love for a being that was both me and him. which I can say confidently, she was the love of my life. she is the love of my life.
Although, our time was brief, she still existed. somedays I lay with my hands on belly, as though she's still there. Still growing, and then comes the memories of him speaking to my belly when he thought I was sleep. the planning and preparations that for anything and everything we thought you needed. But sadly, you were not meant to live here on earth with us.
so every now and then I hold the little memories of her, neatly tugged into a flower covered box to my chest. Cradling it till i fall asleep. And for a second it feels as though I i got the chance to hold her.