We all at times

shed the tears of true pain

yes they’re bitter,

they’re potent

and they’re real.

But we do not give in

for there’s always a hope,

to transform

to redeem,

and to heal.

So take hold of the reins

do not succumb!

for true pain never dies

it sleepeth ...

I hold a light

A light no one sees

Though I try with all my might

I tell them of His saving grace

And of the freedom I found

With one look upon His face

My heart squeezes painfully, crying out for them to see

Though I know they wish for me to just let it be

But I know of the flames that will consume their souls

If only they'd see, see with their hearts, the light that will save them from scorching coals

I see a way, a way of everlasting life

But they don't see it and ask me to stop causing so much strife

This gut wrenching agony makes me ill

But I know a One that says be still

Be free, they say, don't let the devil be your bane

But living a life without Him would only cause me pain

Crimson seeps, smirking

from the open wound of

what could have been

Foresight is a stronger sound

than the whispers of regret

Unnatural entry,

cuts that separate heroes

from their legends and

force their bearers into tombs

Violent beginnings, violent ends

A crumpled form

leaned against wall and frame

stalks slowly to meet her needs

Three years past, reflections are murky

Each step takes a lifetime

He puts me at ease.

The part that makes me so selfish, so mad..

So desolate in my emotions is that you protrude my thoughts.

He makes me so happy now.

You don’t have any right

I don’t have the right.

I’m saddened by the loss, sure.

But I’m angrier, that after everything I’ve done for you,

You put your dirty hands on me.

Called me a child,

30 times;

At least.

You sounded ridiculous.

I tried to stoop to your level, to stand my ground

Until you passed out from intoxication.

More beer in the fridge.

Your roommate said his girlfriend was uncomfortable around you,

So you came into the bedroom,

Took me by the neck,

Let the spit seep from your mouth while you slewed your vile insults,

And promised to fuck me senseless after you had “one more” smoke.

A hearty smack for good measure.

I don’t drink a lot, the whisky lulled me to sleep,

You ran out of smokes.

I’m in therapy, and painfully self aware

I know that one shouldn’t have to earn happiness.

Yet I’m so fucked up,

So riddled in trauma

That a friend said to me once

Every time you open your mouth, you tell a sad story.

I was just reminiscing.

I tried to call you today after hearing the news.

But i hadn’t the strength to lift the phone

Nor the breath in which to speak.

As much as I desired to,

I could not be the strength you needed from me.

As much as I needed to run to your side,

I could barely stand on my own two feet.

How does one breath with no air in their lungs

How could I tell you how badly it hurts.

When I know you are suffering just as deeply as I.

Today we lost someone together,

Even though we are apart.

Today we all suffer from a broken heart.

I tried to call you today after hearing the news

But a part of my heart passed away as well

And even though I didn’t call, or run to be by your side,

I know you are never going to be alone…

Now that our angel has gone home.

I astound me

Never say worse

life has a way of

rewarding that word

It could be worse

and it is

and because of all the

worst things

I am strong

I can carry the bigger burden

I can tolerate the worst hurt

My life has shown me

Pain is bearable

in amounts and severity

unimaginable even a decade ago

loss, physical hurts, fear,

emotional devastation

all have their place in my past

And the future is still dear

Even as I approach another

birthday, joy, love, hope,

friendships, community

are the balance

and the way is clear

to feel more, do more, be more

when I'm sixty four

I try

so damn hard

to be perfect

and to fulfill every expectation.

I do everything you ask,

then go above and beyond.

I do it with the prayer

that maybe soon you’ll love me.

And it hurts.

I perform

and play the perfect daughter

so that you’ll never have to explain

why our family is in fragments.

I comfort your children, stifling my own tears

and be the mother you’re supposed to be.

Yet when you look at me

your eyes say I’m not enough.

And it hurts.

You will never truly see

exactly what you’ve put me through.

There are scars tattooed on my conscience

and scars that once bled crimson.

And you’ll never get to see those scars

because you don’t care to accept the truth.

If I were to show you

my ears would ring from your melodic screeches.

And it hurts.

With every step

it gets harder to breathe.

And every step I feel

myself slowly shattering.

But somehow I’ve succeeded

though I’ve been weighed down

by iron chains you bound me with.

I’ve amazed even myself.

Then I realized what hurts so much.

The poisoned arrow you pierced me with,

that once inflicted nearly fatal pain

was the moment when I saw

that in your eyes:

I only ever fail.

the worst scene

in cinematic history

Schindler‘s List

snow falling

except it’s bodies

burning

the sky grey

ashes aching

no one

watching

That moment, when you realize that true love isn‘t a fairytale and you touch your white knight in shining amour. Only to watch it immediately fade to black and vanish. Your heart turns from a vibrant red to a smokeless white. Your lungs exhale grief in the form of cinders and ash.

Your eyes bleed salty tears without signs of cessation.

Your soul believes, beckons, bargains, and breaks.

over and again.

daily.

the constant silence, rattles your memories.

They bounce around and cripple your thoughts.

You can’t scream.

You can’t cry.

And you can never have that love that was ripped from your grasp. By the very human being who offered it to you in the first place.

You are powerless.

You are broken

You are battered

and you are dead

both inside and out.

Many nights I lay awake, and my heart breaks to the core. so much that the tears swell in my eyes yet they never seem to escape through their exit points. A knot in my throat that hurts so bad I have no desire to speak. well, actually I wouldn't be able to even if I tried.

For a brief moments of my silent tears, I hold onto the pillow just so the shrilling, shivering ,screeching sound of my screams are muffled.

I never thought I would love anyone more than my future husband, but I was wrong. I did fall in love again. A much deeper love that lasted two months. A love for a being that was both me and him. which I can say confidently, she was the love of my life. she is the love of my life.

Although, our time was brief, she still existed. somedays I lay with my hands on belly, as though she's still there. Still growing, and then comes the memories of him speaking to my belly when he thought I was sleep. the planning and preparations that for anything and everything we thought you needed. But sadly, you were not meant to live here on earth with us.

so every now and then I hold the little memories of her, neatly tugged into a flower covered box to my chest. Cradling it till i fall asleep. And for a second it feels as though I i got the chance to hold her.