Only if he knows what it means to have sorrow be your neighbor.

Only if there is a sweetness and fierceness in his eyes that signals "rest here, no one will hurt you."

Only if he knows what joy means and finds it in the little things.

Only then, only if...

I will tear down the wall to this ragged heart of mine.

Only then, will I let you in.

Only if I had the courage to call out their name,

But what was their name?

My words are slipping off the edge, incoherent.

Only if I could possibly see them,

But what did they look like?

Am I stuck on if?

Am I stuck on possibilities and statistics?

Is that why they left me?

Only if I could be normal, only if my thoughts would align with theirs,

If I were to throw myself away, everything I felt,

Only if I could, if I just could,

Would they love me then?

Only if I truly loved myself could I feel loved by him without faking my love.

I don't love him. I don't love him. I don't love him.

Until now, I haven't said this out loud,

because I want him to love me, because I am selfish.

If only the feeling of being loved wasn't so satisfying,

if only it didn't make me feel superior,

I would love him too.

But I don't.

I wish I could, but I don't.

I don't wish on telling you this.

I don't want you to stop.

"Only if you come to me..."

the last words that I spoke,

they ravage through my blackest sea,

they turned our love to smoke.

Regret it stalks me like a hulk,

if only I'd reversed...

and turned those silly sounds around.

Now, "If only..." I rehearse.

If only I'd have trusted you –

if only I had stopped –

if only I'd have seen right through –

if only I had dropped –

the subject on that fateful night

that turned our dreams to dust.

If only I'd have held you tight...

our love would beat the lust.

If only I had held my words,

if only I'd used my ears,

if only I had never cursed,

our seeds would grow for years.

If only I could let you know –

if only I could say...

that you're my heart, my mind, my dream –

and I'll never go astray.

I'll never break your heart again,

though broken, it is still.

I'll tape, and glue, and beg, and bend,

'til it can hold it's fill –

of love that I'll pour into it,

of trust, I'll always share.

My soul in two with you, I'll split –

to bring our Heaven here.

Until the nights, have longer days,

until the seas run dry,

'til all my soul's long debts are paid,

until the fall of skies –

I'll love you like the moonlight's rays,

I'll never leave your side.

I'll hold you close each long night through,

my trust I'll never hide.

"You are my life," I should have said –

if only I'd wrapped the words.

But regrets are here, and you have fled.

You've flown off with the birds.

#Challenge #Heartache #Regret #Alone

Only if,

an insidious condition

Only if you change

to suit my demands

Only if you're smart enough

to be the best of the best

Only if you live your life

to the plan I've laid out

Only if you can fulfill my dreams

Then maybe you'll have my love

If only

You would leave me be

If only

I could be free

If only

I could learn it all

If only

I wasn't pressed to conform into your mold

If only

I was worthy of my own dreams

Then maybe I would love myself?

only if the sands of time

could slip down the

sides of the hourglass

a little faster

i would be able to forgive

to forget

to rush through healing in time

for the end,

a sprint towards happiness so i can die with no regrets.

but life is long,

grudges linger

and i have all the time in the world

to heal.

and if i get struck by a bus tomorrow

and die with my bitterness

will i regret not forgiving?

or will i be glad,

because maybe in death

i will finally realize

that my forgiveness is not deserved.

they may have my understanding

my pity

but never my forgiveness.

life is too long for that.

Only if you cry

Only if you yell

Only if you lie

And tell all you can tell

Only if I cared

Only if I lied

Only if I dared

And if you understood why

If

Damned word

Word of damned

No if

No crossroads

the

swimming mists

words not understood

said too loud to deny

boulders falling on my back

to decide

to choose

if

moon is sun

left is right

if

me and destiny

if withered

its fruits rotten

if dying

and me with it

the only one

guilty

is looking at me

from my mirror

because of

if

word of damned

Only if

Chances are taken, and I may not take enough

The picture is perfectly showing life can be rough

I'm climbing in my mind,

There is nowhere but up

Can I ever succeed?

Do I envision too much?

I want a story with a seamless plot

Only if there were seamless nots

Roadblocks there and here

Wanting them to disappear

Failure makes the story what it is

The color of heartache is true shade indeed

The color of desire is my all time favorite hue

Though oh so tired of wanting

Only if I could see through

To that one time and place

That I do win my race

Standing in first place

I'm ever eager because

That is where I belong

I'm a song

Like a melody

With fire and wits in me

Only if I'm positioned

Do I knock em, rock em, sock em

I can see through

Yet another problem

I am running a race, but slowed to a walk

Only if I walk my talk

Does the good race conclude

Life will exude

You almost did it

Look at you? Look at me

Only if

If only

You had my

Only if I had one more day.

Only if I had one more hour- second- anything to be with you.

Only if I could remember you the way I want to.

Only if I had more time.

Only if God would have answered my prayers when I told him to not take you from me.

Only if I could hold your hand- warm hand- alive hand in mine.

Only if the universe could give back life to someone who cared so much about other people.

Only if you knew how worthy we all know you are- were.

Only if you believed you were worthy.

Only if I told you how much you meant to me- how much I love-loved you- how much I would miss you.

Only if you had an extra second of hesitation.

Only if I was enough for you.

Only if everything made sense.

Only if I had all the answers of the why's- unknowns of this confusing place we call our world.

Only if.

Only if.

Only if!

Only if: Day-hour-second- memory of time- answered prayers- warm hands- life- worthy of life-meaning of what your life meant to be- hesitation-enough-sense of unknowns-

Only if I didn't have to miss you for another day.