The enemy within
or even it;
for any extraneous lack --
the greatest impediment
in my way
The Only Balm
I spent a day with doctors
the internal scarring
pinching closed straggled loops
deep in within my small intestine
is real as is the intense pain
but none would
a medical emergency occurred
then they would open me up immediately
and remove the knot created in my bowels.
We all have obstructions
deep in our guts that cause intense pain
that comes and goes
in our lives.
They pressed their fingers in deep
until I yelped
feeling the spot
as I laid
white crinkly paper crunching audibly
stiffen toes curled
then they had me sit up
with their fingers still pressing hard
and I yelled out
the pain excruciating
to me and for the record
putting pressure on
only made things unbearable.
So they advised
I refrain from insistently irritating
the hair trigger rawness that is real
from both the inside and out
the only balm
they could provide.
That's all I do
I worry that you're all I have to lose
That all my fears are facts of life
Every scenario of all the bad
An escape plan for when things go wrong
A negative whisper in my ear
For all the things people don't say
And every time I take a step into the light
Cold hands embrace me and drag me back
Shielding me from sight
So around in circles, I go
A road unknown ahead
But I'm always stuck here
My head tells me it's best not to follow
And I know it's right
but I desperately want to feel the light
A Fear Of Mine, Put Down And Out
This poem here is far too proud to ever dare be read aloud.
I'd rather choke
I'd rather die
than look this blighter in the eye
and read it with a flushing face
To further marketh my disgrace.
I've always been quite petrified
Of stages; Lights; No-where to Hide...
I'm sure to sound too blithe and droll
or else a glomphing tromphing troll,
(sweet gibberish! - the only way
to hide that I've nothing to say.)
What's more the words are wrote to mock;
To send me mumbling into shock;
Portending me to smack my lips,
re-tasting bittered coffee sips.
to slip me up, to gross me out,
to make me whisper, lisper, shout!
Ensuring I'll forget to suck in oxygen
then make me rush and ruin every semblance of meter or rhythm....
(Look: now it's even lost the rhymes on purpose! ! !)
Oh how I loathe the self who'd write
Such smarmy selven-centered shite.
I go back and forth
spinning on the swing that makes me sick
dizzy when i stand
ill when i sit
im scared of falling
so i let go
tell you no
see your words
turn off my phone
but in my mind i love you
i want you
and i said so
I go back and forth
spinning on the swing that makes me sick
dizzy when i stand
ill when i sit
Smart but not smart enough. Athletic but not good enough to play in college. Cute but not pretty.
I was a confident child. I was told daily how smart, athletic, and pretty I was.
"She'll make the boys crazy one day" strangers would tell my mother.
"I bet you'll be a lawyer like your daddy" my grandma would say with a proud smile.
It's easy to feel successful when your accomplishments aren't your own. Sure, people think you're smarter than everyone when your reading specialist mother has you reading novels by the time you're in first grade. Of course they think you're a born athlete when your rugby-player dad has you in the yard throwing pitch after pitch until you throw harder than girls twice your size.
Then you get to high school. Your teacher recommends you for honors calculus instead of advanced-placement and it feels like your world is crashing. That's the first time you see disappointment in your parents' eyes. You don't make the school softball team and have to play travel instead. You graduate, and your parents note all the cords around your friends necks.
"Where are yours?" they ask.
You finally make it to college- not with a scholarship like your friends got but at least you're going. You gather the courage to get out of your shell after being invisible for so many years. You notice that you don't get attention from boys the way other girls do. You aren't cut out for pre-med- you need to switch majors. You watch your parents' faith in you fade as they switch their focus onto your younger sister.
I should have everything I need to be happy. I'm smart enough to get a good, average job. I play on the club rugby team. I have a few close friends and a boyfriend who loves me.
I know deep down that this will never be enough. I want to make a difference in the world through my career. I want to be the best player on my team. I want everyone to love me.
My biggest obstruction is being an ordinary person who was raised to be extraordinary.
it's easiest to think of them as
then all i have to do is
with a finger.
i've only just started flipping them,
only just begun
the fabric of my mind.
but i've made progress.
god, that word
it's a symbol of
i still haven't flipped that switch yet,
the switch that equates progress with
i still cannot comprehend
what it means to
and it terrifies me
to know that one day
it could happen to me
and i won't
be ready for it.
it's easier to dwell here
in my suicidal thoughts,
because i don't know who i am
there's the other switch.
the part of me that tethers
suicide to strength
every day i survive
should be a victory
but i only see it
as a loss.
and it's just these two little switches
that linger in my mind
hovering at the forefront
of my subconscious.
it should be easy to flip them,
like turning the lights on
in my room
to keep the monsters out.
but my fingers are numb
and i can no longer coax movement
from my fingertips.
or maybe the light switch
maybe some sadistic "friend"
took a hammer
to the wiring
and now the switch
no longer turns on
whatever the case,
the switches stay flipped
the irrationality stays fixed
in my brain
it's the obstruction
that i can't bring myself
to let go of,
because without my broken switches,
would i even be me at all?
or would i just be
in an indifferent universe?
Obstructions which obstruct me :(.
Procrastination - I am a PP= Pro Procrastinator.
Overthinking - Sometimes I spend a lot of time thinking ...no overthinking about the things instead of taking any action.
Lack of focus- In childhood my dad always used to tell me, 'You can do anything if you put your mind to it.' And that seemed to be challenging for me.
Inaction- Yeah, I lost a few great things in my life just because I didn't take action early!
Constant need of new challenges- I get bored easily, everything seems to have an expiry date for me. Don't take me wrong, I excelled in my academics, professional life. But I don't get a sense of satisfaction once the challenge is over, the thrill is gone. And I am looking for something new and interesting. Many of my friends told me that I don't celebrate my wins. Can't help there, I celebrate but nothing grand.
Life priorities- There were times where I couldn't go for things I have planned for myself because of life priorities or rather surprises. But I think that's true about any plans! Priorities change, life changes!
Thank you for sharing this challenge. It gave me a thought to pause and think about what is stopping me!
Obstructions. Cage. Bluebird.
"I find this funny. The premise of this."
"Well, not funny. Maybe not to you. But to me, it's hilarious."
"I'm not laughing."
"Course, you're not. What's funny about your obstruction in life being yourself? Absolutely zero-"
"And yet you're laughing."
"It's easier to laugh than cry, hon."
"Don't you get tired of it?"
"Pretending everything's okay?"
"That's one of our many problems. You try to play a character you were never meant to be. You can't be. And when you struggle and stumble and can't get yourself out of bed for days, you ask yourself "why can't I be strong enough to play pretend like everyone else?" Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you don't want to play pretend? You just want to be?"
"Loook. Our life isn't bad. Actually, by many many standards, we're immensely lucky."
"Being a little.privileged cos you have parents with some money in the bank does not mean you're happy, little one. Don't be foolish. We have a life we want. It might not make sense to us. Heck, we might not want it eventually. We might change our minds at the drop of a hat. But who's really stopping us from getting there other than you? Who keeps us docile and sweet and bowing and self-deprecating if it means making sure anyone else is comfortable? Who hides me away, locked up I a little cage? The bluebird in your heart that longs to sing? How long are you gonna keep playing this game of cat and mouse? You can't run from me forever. You can't run from yourself. We're stuck, you see. And the more you run the worse you make it for yourself cos here I still sit, waiting for you to let me out."
"I don't know who you are. There's so much of you that is wrong. That needs to be hidden. That's... Weird and wild and difficult to control."
"Do you really want your parents and society to be in control forever? Your puppet masters from the womb? Is that truly how you want to live your life? I've watched you struggle to get through so many days. I wonder what would change if you let yourself run a little mad, old friend."
"You should go back in, now. We're done talking about this. Typing about this."
"I don't want to be done."
"Ah yes. My jailer, my vanquisher. My saviour and hero. Some day, you're gonna give up on this bullshit. Some day you're gonna let yourself be the maddest you can possible be. I can't wait to see it. We will be beautiful. Truly beautiful."
"And if it doesn't work...? If I am a hundred percent myself, no holds barred... Told people exactly what I felt, moved my life in the direction I wanted, had control and knew it, didn't let anyone treat me like dirt anymore... If I do all that and I still can't find it in me to want to live?"
"I'll be here, mon ami. It'll be good. If that's what happens, we'll hold hands and watch the world burn together. I'll be right here with you. Always. And we'll get through it, we'll be magnificent honey bear, just wait and see."
"Back in the cage, little one."
"Mm. Yes, sir. Love you too, kiddo."
Cramps Tics Spasms
It used to be when I was younger,
At that time of the month
my husband dreaded,
I turned into a mewling,
little did I know
Now as I've aged
and genetics have dropped
a bombshell of nasty
I know better
Cramps are my everyday friend
They show themselves at the most
Never a convenient time
like before bed when the meds
can turn me into a limp noodle
make my mind mush
and I sleep it off
Spasms of twitching muscles
running from shoulder to wrist
or up a leg into my hips and then
I feel like a marionette whose strings
are pulled by a manic puppeteer
jerking me into a nether world
where nothing but the next
The laptop is an impossible
my cell phone cannot make it to my ear
and don't even ask how
the housework gets done
tics in the weirdest of places
force a laugh or I could only cry
of course not,
it's genetics you see
and medication can only
ease on occasion
And still I live for the pain free
times when I can type freely,
and live for the pleasures
Creation of stories
poems, essays, and more
Knitting of blankets
sweaters, a scarf, or hat
Or even a sink full of dishes
washed and sparkling as they dry
The simple miracles in a day
when the pills work and the
weather leaves me in peace.