I celebrate irony with redundancy. This is why I use suction cups to hang on my wall of misery all of the things that sucked for me. That letter of rejection from Harvard hangs right next to my acceptance into Social Promotion Academy.
Get it? All the things I seek--and the bar is high, I assure you--are stuck on the wall next to the things I actually attained...or settled for. The gaps between them are what define me.
For example, I have a love interest gap; I have a dream job gap; I have a huge salary gap. I even have a smoking gap. I have a pitiful wardrobe gap and an embarrassing automobile gap.
We are all defined by our gaps--[the things we aspire to] minus [the things we actually end up with].
Thus, suction cup hooks do work, and they suck relative to one's self.
Create a vacuum.
The universe will fill it
sucking in whatever is close
The Suction Discussion
Surely there is a call for construction
Of things that use rubber cups for suction.
Like toy arrowheads, how about discussion
Of a mouth cup for poor digestion --
Just squeeze and up comes an expulsion.
Or when one wants to practice seduction,
Just go “ssschlup” for kiss simulation.
That sound also would work for production
Of a lighter mood and laughing convulsions.
And “ssschlup” would be a great introduction
To a series of beats in any percussion.
Does anyone want to add a hook to suction?
Anyone? Guess that ends the conversation.
Suction Cup Disaster
Picture the scene:
GPS up on the windshield. Securely stuck on its mount, at least at the moment it was. Snow clumps hurling sideways, tires skidding the other way, as the back bumper attempted to pass my front right corner. Oh, did I mention, the power cord for the GPS? It was hanging down over the dash, snaking its way around the console shifter into the cigarette lighter.
I'm still kicking myself for not mounting it properly, and lower. Like right down on the top of the dash. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Could things things get any worse? Of course. Anything can get worse. Never, ever, ask that question.
Skidding around like a snooker ball banking across a pool table, my car bounced between stopped vehicles on both sides of the road. Horrified faces trapped by the snowbanks reflected my progress as the suction cup chose an opportune moment to detach.
You heard me. It dropped and because of the violent spin, traveled across the confined interior, striking me square in the middle of my forehead.
Not satisfied, it ricocheted forward, tangling around my right hand where it clutched the steering wheel, effectively preventing me from mitigating damage by shifting into neutral, or reaching the key to turn the vehicle off.
Dazed, I could only gawk at the disgusted expressions of drivers, formerly safely stopped, as my car picked its way down leaving great scars on doors and squishing fenders along the way, until a looming semi-truck trailer had me ducking to save my head.
When everything settled, my windshield was flush with the bottom edge of said trailer.
So when you ask do suction cups work? NO!!! Never trust them. They are an evil invention with one thing on their mind. To fail at the most destructive moment. Do not trust them ever.
in the shower
me and hooks have a bad history,
mostly because i own
too many sweatshirts
and not enough hooks
and they always end up
crumpling under the weight
of loose-fitting insecurity.
but those are hooks of
adhesive and plastic,
made cheap by the
constant weight of the world
that's too heavy
for any hook
to hold up.
my shower contains
one hook, held to the ceramic wall
by one translucent suction cup
clinging desperately to
the smooth white surface
and fighting not to let the water in,
which would loosen it
and slide it down
to the faucet
where it would crash
and lose its purpose.
it does its job very well,
hoisting my washcloth high
above the roiling sea known as
it is held up by its own fear
much like me,
its worth comes from its success.
and the best form of success,
i'm told, is continuity.
continue to hold up that weight,
continue to stand, shoulders out;
face the world
and refuse to let the water in.
Do suction cup hooks work?!?!
you bet they do!
why, it's a marvelous achievement. so rare is it to find instances of plans that works so perfectly!!
let's review. an evil genius , perhaps a satanic worshipper, looked at a way to both cause suffering, furstration, humiliation and possible bodily injury to other people WHILE making billions of dollars.
it is not so easy to achieve these goals, either one, but of course making people suffer totally is much harder, because humans are essentially joyous and full of inner light.
yet the plan was to tie misery AND personal profit!!!
imagine the possibilities!!
this "person", researched, possibly through years of observation or a moment of brilliance the frailties of the human condition, the needful things that we gravitate around, and hit on the basic need to provide a perch onwhich to hang things upon a window or a ceramic tile.
the hooligan, sought to abuse our hopes of securing things above the ground in a manner that will not require using a drill. he reasoned further, thay we all shall never agree to pay too much for the privilege of resisting the inexorable pull of gravity, only to prevent everyday objects to fall. he concluded that it must be cheap, and it must SEEM to be functional.
a TO SEEM functionality, to camouflage shoddiness and outright cruelty, it is not easy to accomplish.
in his malice, he decorated the artifact with plastic circles of varying colors, that would stand against the pale of the ceramics like a blushing rose in the snow. oh it must have taken much effort to produce such a device. only, let's not forget that he never neglected his own nefarious intent of causing pain, and disappointment.
and so it is no mean feat, but meaner than most, to create the suction cup hook.
oh, how he rubs his hands in sulfuric glee as the accountants deliver the income statment!
never in the red, but for his glowing eyes. the malifarious gangster knows well, that each dollar that he made created twentyfold produce in hate and anguish. so many lives destroyed by such a profitable enterprise. it's almost as evil as cigarettes.
and sure, there are many competitors and knockoffs to this marvel of unholy engineering. but he minds not their interloping ways. they cut into his business, but multiply the suffering. oh the joy he must feel!!
and you, who look at the hook, in thinking you shall rise above the curve, that your towl shall remain unfallen upon the hook, as a last unshed leaf in autumn, know that there is no chance; the hook shall fall even if it holds nothing at all..
A piece of Suction Fiction
Imagine an enormous bubble blown on the side of a skyscraper building, exactly half-spheric and, of all possible things, a huge neon sign attached to it. That will be close to the way it was seen by the citizens on the opening day.
The building had been covered in construction sheets for the preceding two or three months, making the 'bubble' the greatest object of attention for the press as it was freed from its dusty grey covers, reminding Venus' birth from the shell (as the reporters would tell).
The nature of the weird structure was nothing else than suction: the difference of pressure in- and outside of the half-sphere. The owner of the building, some George Cuppster, had the plexiglass dome customly produced at a factory not far from the city and secretly delivered to the construction site. Then, he explained, the corresponding part of the building's surface had to be polished and smoothened to make sure no air could enter between it and the dome. The thing rested on the supports until the special pump had removed enough air from inside, allowing the giant suction-sup stay as it was.
"That sounds amazing, Mr. Cuppster, but what can ensure the safety of the 'bubble'?" asked a reporter.
"Well, there was an example in history: twelve horses tried to pull apart the halfs of a copper sphere with low air pressure in it and failed. It was in the eighteenth century, if I'm not mistaking. The force needed to open the so-called suction cup increases with its volume. So, do you still find it likely that my 'bubble' will be blown away?"
Upon that, the public mind was calmed and satisfied. To make his words sound even more confident, Mr. Cuppster parked his best limousine right under the hanging cup and spent the whole next day giving autographs and interviews from it.
The billionaire was awakened in the middle of the night.
"A catastrophe! Sir, your limousine..."
"It was stolen? How?"
"No, the BUBBLE..."
It turned out that the barometer showed extreme drop of pressure that night, a fine sign of the approaching storm. Though, the strong wind had not yet started to blow when the 'bubble'-titled object fell from its place due to the lack of outer pressure.
The event was followed by numerous MEMEs, posts, feuilletons and eager discussion. It was only the devastating storm itself that switched the public attention from the great suction cup (to a certain degree, of course). As George Cuppster's building stood rather far from the bay, its windows and lighting stayed intact. The only piece of illumination that stopped operating was the big neon sign reading "CUPPSTER" which fell together with the giant plexiglass bubble, tearing its wires and crashing into its owner's favourite limousine.
Suction cup hooks work, but not with exessive self-confidence and vainty hanged to them.
That's the moral of my story.
Suction cup hooks worked as an oiled machine for me.
I never had any female hitting on me, much less staying with me. I am ugly as a skunk's dream; they say. I've seen naked females only on Pornhub.
But, the local topless bar needed male waiters too, and as I was the only candidate, they had no choice. As I spilled most of the drinks, they tasked me to serve closed bottles of beverages, to avoid spillage. To bring as many bottles as I can, I used suction cup hooks on my nipples too, and it worked.
The only problem was, that the weight of the bottles on my nipples caused them to slide lower and lower; until it looked as if I have breasts, so much they pulled them down.
So, when the bar needed a female waiter, I applied, pointing out, that my newly gained breasts are their responsibility or else.
As anything even smelling of trans is these days is sacred, I got the job.
Finally, I have tons of female company, dressing, and undressing before me all the time.
I am in a dreamland of mine.
So, yeah, suction cup hooks work for me, and how!