WHPS produces birth certificate showing that POTUS‘s mother’s, third cousin’s, best friend did indeed have the middle name “Beatrix,” so clearly POTUS was NOT confused when he told the story to the Rural County Sheriff’s Union about his beloved Aunt Bea, who lived with he and his father in Mayberry, Pa. when POTUS was a small child.

The Biden administration replied to the claim of the attack on the NATO country with firm words before an investigation found that the incompetent Ukrainian army accidentally mistook the obvious as hell diplomatic plane for a Russian jet. The Ukrainians who shot the plane down were later bombed by Russian forces for posting stuff to Reddit from their smart phones after Russia pinged their location.

CHARLETON HESTON'S BODY TO BE EXHUMED

Gun opponents vow to pry a gun from his cold, dead fingers.

ALIENS KILLED JFK!

Although they come "from abroad," they walk among us. They are disgruntled over our imperialism in space. They also complain of the poor quality of photographic evidence of their existence. Blubarp, in an introductory statetement, complained, "What, don't they have better than 1/2 MP cameras by now?"

OSAMA BIN LADEN MAULED BY 72 VIRGINIANS

Confusion blindsides terrorists' concept of eternal satisfaction when the founding fathers line up to take their turns with Bin Laden.

WHAT GOES UP DOESN'T HAVE TO COME DOWN

But what goes in must still come out, states Teslacles' Deviant of Fudd's Law.

KIM KARDASHIAN WINS ALL FIVE NOBEL PRIZES!

While, according to Alfred Nobel's 1895 will, they are normally awarded to "those who, during the preceding year, have conferred the greatest benefit to humankind," a long-lost footnote has been found that allowed the Norwegian Nobel Committee to invoke the "nitrogen option," substituting dynamite for cash. Alfred Nobel was the Swedish chemist, engineer, and industrialist who invented dynamite, and he had once commented that he had inserted the controversial clause for people (like Kardashian), who are the contemporary version of the 19th Century's Borrelia Fleshpot, a famous nude puppeteer.

CIGARETTES DEEMED SAFE--WITH A CATCH

Johns Hopkins University released its startling study that took two groups of smokers. One group smoke like usual, lighting up whenever they felt like it. The other group waited 8 minutes to light up after the moment it occurred to them they wanted a smoke. The University's previous study that affirmed each cigarette takes eight minutes off of your life was the foundation for this new study. The conclusion was that each eight minutes were, of course, taken away from the end of one's life, so that waiting eight minutes meant they would lose eight minutes from the time they would be dead anyway. Smoke if you got em.

Daily Planet headline:

SUPERMAN ARRESTED FOR NEGLIGENT HOMICIDE

Superman, today, was arrested for the negligent homicide of two women and one man, Lois Lane, Lana Lang, and Jimmy Olsen. The Man of Steel's "sperm of steel," in a less-than-romantic consequence, meant an irresistible force meeting a stationary object. (Lana Lang was known to be less stationary than Lois Lane.) In the past, Superman would resort to sexual trysts in the bottled City of Kandor, from Krypton, now residing in his Fortress of Solitude, where he couldn't be a threat. Alternatively, he would use condoms made of Kryptonite, but he found it impossible due to the effect it had on his penis.

But Kandor presented its own obstacles. "That's the problem," Superman explained, because he wasn't exactly "super" under the artificial lighting of a red sun. Lex Luthor, a longtime thorn in the Caped Crusader's side, was quoted as saying, "Join the club, Kal-El." If convicted, Superman could face three to five years in the Phantom Zone, although they would be Kryptonian years, which are now immeasurable since its supernova 12,000 years (Earth years) ago. El plans to appeal if convicted. Wonder Woman, the only survivor of a non-Kandorian interlude, was unavailable for comment.

THIRD WORLD NATIONS UNITE TO DESTROY THE FIRST WORLD

The machinations of war are gearing up. The Third World realized it can move up to Second World status if the First World would just "go away."

"I want their problems, not my Third World problems," said Nikoban Burubu, a Nigerian prince who has fallen on hard times, unable to cash in on the extensive fortune his dying uncle, the King, has bequeathed to him. Not surprisingly, the Second World looked forward to having stupid First World problems instead of their own, e.g., swapping having to carry water in buckets on their heads for having to wait out a four-hour window for delivery of a rowing machine or 85" Samsung TV (4K).

29th February 2023 - Sensation!! The US Air Force rocket will land on Mars. Watch this space for more news.

31st February 2023 - More sensations!!! US Air Force team landed and have detected an inhabited place on Mars. More follows.

33rd February 2023 - (redacted, not to be published - Report from the US Air Force team - "They are our fucking Navy, Sir!")