Ain’t That Some Sh*t
I can't say I like it
But I'm, what's that trending cliché phrase? Oh yes, " I'm built different ".
Although from the outside you can't tell.
I have a power, like a super power; But I gotta say it's pretty shitty.... I mean that Literally and Literally is used in the non "woke" way to actually mean Literally and does not include figuratively though I could call it figuratively because my opinion is it is shitty as well. For this instance though I mean literal.
Its shit. I mean I can with a passing glance at any distance and in any circumstance make someone shit their pants if I simply think to.
It is. It's gnarly and surprizingly unique to each victim I do it to. How gross is decided by a number of things the main one being what their last meal was and it is multiplied by how publicly the "doo doo" occurs.
I used to think it was a curse.
I mean I'll never forget how crazy I felt when my pre-k teacher upset me by taking my blanket away saying that "it's a blanket not a cape!" and then she did the weirdest display of behaviors.
She halted mid stride and cinched at her knees and looked like she might be about to sneeze but turning a bright rubicon red and starting to sweat a little. She did a hap hazard Plie¹ and swayed in her stance until, looking mortified she had to lean on a bookcase. Suddenly the classroom was filled with a smell like toxic waste and our teacher forgot any concept of protocol and she scuttled rapidly to the door and off into the hall without a word to anybody.
It was weird because I felt guilty and I had no clue that I should have done just that.
So my power is inflicting defecation nonconsentually.
Now immediately following that happening I did not actually grasp my part in it and naturally it took several instances before the trend hit me as stand out at all.
Why when I'm ticked off do all of these people violently poop themselves? The faces they make are the best part but the worst is the smells.
So, I've known for a long time and I never tell anyone. Ever.
I mean what could I say to explain that were I to endeavor to make you relieve yourself wherever you stood what might you think? Would you call me a freak and shun me? Be friendly but dishonestly, joking to not trigger whatever unknown Part of me controlls the crap trigger and that would basically ruin any enjoyment I get from being social.
Well lets just say this next part of my story is some unexpected shit, and I mean that in more ways than one.
I'm early in my twenties when World War 4 had broken out and world leaders are picketing about why they should get more out of leading their countries to kill one another.
Anyway, today was a pivitol moment, to act as a fulcrum that could prove to be the deciding factor of the war being won and speeches consisted of vernal cannon fodder blasting derogatory hearsay left and right and everyone wss invited to try to fight one another and no peace was to be had.
It got REALLY bad and suddenly from behind the podium the world's leaders leap, they cleared the short distances between them and violently met with one another in an altercation. Ever world leader from every nation all hog-wild fighting fisticuffs in a riotous rampage!
It was then that I thought of it, the thought that saved the world that day.
A flatulant noise squield out and surprisingly echoed from center stage. You could have heard a pin drop as the mob in the middle stayed totally still quite suddenly. They stopped on the spot and as fast as it had started momentarily minutes ago.
A hush over took the vast atrium and you could see the sign language translators holding their arms out with their thumbs and each finger floating readily. Much like a conductor conveying the count at the orchestra in the beginning of a symphony.
Cacophonous now the sound we heard, echos and though none could see what had stopped everyone. You heard the president state aloud "gotta run; seriously!" And with all the dignity he could muster he held his lower back conspicuously, and at a quickened pace made hi way back stahe and ultimately I knew he was heading to the restroom.
It would turn out that the room of shocked elite folks were all mortified and perhaps it was just what the world needed as it was revoked, the order for war.
They had all trauma bonded and embarrassed at their explosive asses they'd worked together to more or less mitigate their losses of social standing, having to stand while 100 % covered inside their slacks was their feces. As a group they came together to usurp societies judgements as the audience hadnt been phased and would be less likely to understand, once a whiff of the poop of an unexpected nature came over them in a haze of nasty smelling, conflict quelling stench rolled on them.
From that day forward all of them had that as a reference to their fellow political figure heads humanity and this effect has bled down through the cogs of society bringing peace between countries and opening mentalities to be more accepting of our differences cause when we look back it's maintained that be us black white brown tan or red; We all poop the same.
the army i will raise will have no guns.
they may have helmets, but the tomatoes we'll get pitched at us will get through.
'better get goggles on' i'll say, as i marshall them.
then, we will congregate.
one hand cobtrols the dials,
the other, hovers between the vertical and horizontal antennea.
the mummies from planet Fezvillon will stop dead in their place, and become unravelled, then their grey ash will blow in the wind.
Fezvillonians can't stand theramins.
Body Function Man
When I fart, the odor covers the planet and causes those who would choose to destroy this planet; a tough time breathing. If that isn't enough, I would belch so loudly as to shake the rafters, giving the bad people of the world a taste of what nastiness really is. Finally, I would piss in all the gas tanks of every military transport until they can no longer move. I would have one other power but would save that one for emergencies only. Turd bombs on the enemies' heads. After this is done, then leaders around the world would understand why it is vital we have clean air and deal with the ozone problem.
When the aliens invaded, I knew I was needed. People mocked me for this power and said I was useless. But I'll show them.
Their leader was staying in the Whitehouse in North America. I took a business flight to D.C. and requested a conference with the Leader.
"You really think you can stop us?" The Leader laughed. "Once we destroy Earth, space will finally be saved. We might even be able to relocate all organisms of Earth to safer planets-"
"Silence fiend!" I shouted and removed my oversized jacket. "I- T.V. Man, will stop you!"
I grabbed the remote and turned on the television attached to my stomach.
"What are you- what is that?" They pointed to the screen.
I smirked as they noticed my secret weapon. "This is reality T.V.."
The Leader and their bodyguards watched for two hours. I turned it off and waited for them to respond.
"Maybe," The Leader murmured, "This planet will destroy itself. Perhaps we should let it be."
That, my friends, is how I saved the planet.
The bomb is about to explode in only 10 minutes. But never fear! Dr. Shelley is on the case.
As she inspected the bomb, she wondered whether it was time to reveal her secret power. No one else had ever seen it in action, except for one memorable sun-related emergency in Cancún. But, as she reflected, saving the world was worth revealing her secret.
Everyone in the room grew silent as Shelley pointed at the bomb. Mustering all her energy, she yelled "SUNBLOCK!" The bomb was instantly covered in sunscreen, which was so repellent of UV rays that when the bomb exploded a second later it was a self-contained perpetual motion machine.
After surviving the explosion, the president immediately awarded her the Medal of Freedom. The bomb was moved to a nuclear energy facility, where it became the first source of completely renewable energy. And everyone lived happily ever after!