You are my sunshine, the sunshine in my universe, and I could change the world if you only loved me, like you used to do. My heart will go on, with or without you, but you shook me all night long and I just can’t get enough.

Time after time I see you smile, and whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I love you, yes I do. Loving you is easy, ’cause you’re beautiful, so beautiful to me, can’t you see? I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life, but I’m dreaming my life away.

I wake in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high, I put on my jeans and I feel alright—forever in blue jeans, babe. I see trees of green, red roses too; I see them bloom for me and you, and I think to myself, “What a wonderful world!”

------------------------

© 2023 - dustygrein

When the levee breaks, I put a spell on you. You, proud Mary, down in it… who’ll stop the rain?

Don’t cry. The end is the beginning is the end, Mary Anne with the shaky hand. God’s gonna cut you down.

“When the Levee Breaks,” Led Zeppelin

“I Put a Spell On You,” CCR

“You,” Candlebox

“Proud Mary,” CCR

“Down In It,” Nine Inch Nails

“Who’ll Stop the Rain,” CCR

“Don’t Cry,” Guns n Roses

“The End is the Beginning is the End,” The Smashing Pumpkins

“Mary Anne with the Shaky Hand,” The Who

“God’s Gonna Cut You Down,” Johnny Cash

So you sailed away, to a blue sky morning. Remembering the pain, Love can be so boring...But I can by myself flowers, and dip my toes in the sand, It's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had, Don't want you back, But you're only the best I ever had. I want you back. You're all I ever wanted, You're all I ever needed, I'll fill those canons in your wall like a river, I'll lead you home. And I'll walk a step behnd in the shodows so you shine. Just ask it will be done, and I will prove my love. So you're sure that I'm the one. Looks like we made it. Look how far we have come my baby. They didn't listen. Look at what we could be missing.

Hey baby, que paso. Well, it's a Bloody Mary morning, so could you walk this way? I got a bad case of loving you. You see - I want a man with a slow hand, I want a lover with an easy touch.

My heroes have always been Cowboys, real cowboys not Dallas Cowboys...I come from the country, and I know I ain't seen it all, but you look so good in love, that's easy to see. You know if we left now, we could be in Amarillo by Morning.

This will be an everlasting love and I'll be good to you. It's a small-town Saturday night so let's give em something to talk about. Our love is alive and so it begins...foolishly laying our hearts on the table and stumblin' in... so let's pop a top, because Heaven's just a sin away. Well, I ain't first class but I ain't white trash and you, you desperado you've been out riding the fences for far too long.

Who can go the distance, well we'll find out in the long run. There may be smoke on the water, fire in the sky and there may be a bad moon rising but there's no getting over me. Some people call me a space-cowboy and some call me the gangster of love but here I am stuck in the middle with you dancin' in the moonlight deep in the heart of Texas.

So you sexy thing, the eyes of Texas are upon you so come and get your love, come and get your love now because I am going to take a slow ride and take it easy back to Houston. Houston home of the world's biggest Rodeo. That's right H-Town.

1. Hey Baby Que Paso - Texas Tornadoes

2. Bloody Mary Morning - Willie Nelson

3. Walk This Way - Aerosmith

4. Bad Case of Loving You - Robert Palmer

5. Slow Hand - Pointer Sisters/Conway Twitty

6. My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys - Willie Nelson

8. You Look So Good In Love - George Strait

8. You Look So Good In Love - George Strait

9. Amarillo By Morning - George Strait

10. Everlasting Love - Natalie Cole

11. I'll Be Good to You - Brothers Johnson

12. Small Town Saturday Night - Hal Ketchum

13. Something To Talk About - Bonnie Raitt

14. Stumblin' In - Chris Norman and Suzi Quatro

15. Pop A Top - Jim Ed Brown

16. Heaven's Just A Sin Away - The Kendalls

17. Some Girls Do - Sawyer Brown

18. Desperado - The Eagles

19. The Long Run - The Eagles

20. Smoke on the Water - Deep Purple

21. Bad Moon Rising - Creedence Clearwater Revival

22. No Getting Over Me - Ronnie Milsap

23. The Joker - Steve Miller Band

24. Stuck in the Middle with You - Stealers Wheel

25. Dancing in the Moonlight - King Harvest

26. Deep in the Heart of Texas - Gene Autry

27. You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate

28. The Eyes of Texas - UT Longhorn Band

29. Come and Get Your Love - Redbone

30. Slow Ride - Foghat

31. Houston - Dean Martin

32. Houston (Means I'm One Day Closer to You) - Larry Gatlin

33. H-Town - Dizzee Rascal, featuring Bun B and Trae Tha Truth

https://youtu.be/_YcLwxkQKMU?t=1093

Her hands were never cold.

It didn't matter the time of year, or what we were doing, or where we were.

I've long heard the term "Harlow Gold." I didn't know what it meant until Google gave me the answer, but it fit perfectly, once I saw it. It's basically a white-blonde dye job. She didn't dye; she was simply the palest blonde I ever did see.

She wore her hair in a simple ponytail, mostly. Sometimes she'd try to tease it into a shape, with curls and whirls and whatnot, but mostly, it ended up held back with a simple elastic band.

I was always careful not to let her see me laugh on those days. I think that likely kept me from being stabbed.

She used to tease me, and sometimes, she knew how to make me blush. I didn't mind, though. In the end, I knew she'd let me take her home.

They hand me a folded blue piece of 8.5 x 11 when I walk in the door. It reminds me of the church bulletins from when I was a kid. I hate places like this little Primitive Baptist snuggled up between Savannah and nothing at all.

I always find it odd when they call it a Homecoming. If this is God's house like they say, then it was never really hers. It couldn't be, because she wasn't a hypocrite. Precocious, ferocious, but not pretentious or dishonest.

I recognize guys from our shared youth. Some of them knowingly nod at me. We all loved her, in our way and in our time. We each speak to the husband; she kept no secrets, and he thanks us for coming, even if he doesn't mean it.

I admit being a little uneasy. She was always good at that, and I suppose this is her last joke at my expense. I sit, staring at the back of the man she married while a stranger leads us all in prayer.

I smile and shed a tear. Her hands were never cold in the back of that old Monaco, but now it's all they'll ever be.

What left is there for me to do?

And now, the end is near, all the years I have worked, all the plans I have made, doesn’t mean anything any longer.

So, I face the final curtain before all goes dark around me. And in the last moments my friends, I’ll say it clear, that you full well understand, so that before you, you will know I’ll state my case of which I’m certain.

Yet, for all that I have done, there is but one thing I have lacked, one thing I have longed for, and it has been within my grasp, only to slip away like a feather blown away in the breeze.

I’ve lived a life that’s full, yet my heart and soul remains empty. I have traveled the world ten times over, traveled each and every highway, yet she alludes me like a filmy ghost staring back at me through a mirror, but one thing you or anyone else cannot say is wrong; I did it my way.

We both know I’m not perfect, but then, who is? I have regrets, but then, too few to mention. After all, now doesn’t seem to be the time to really look back and make any amends.

Throughout my life, I did what I had to do. In the beginning it was just to keep from drowning. but as time traveled, I realized I saw it through without exemption.

It was then, when I was finally within reach of all my plans and goals, where I planned each charted course, being smart enough, not to waiver or fold for fear of failure, but rather take the time to take each careful step along the byway, and more, much more than this, no one will ever be able to say, I didn’t do it my way.

Now, in these final hours or perhaps minutes ... yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew what was going on inside me, but you never questioned my motives. Especially when I bit off more than I could chew. You would just stand off to the side, nodding your head when I gave you something to do and you went on about the business at hand.

But through it all when there was doubt, I never relented, did I? I never backed off or down. I ate it up and spit it out. I faced it all in my life and still managed to come out on top because I stood tall in the face of what I was up against.

I have pretty much run the gauntlet in life. After all, I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried, but when she went away, I vowed I had had enough. I’ve had my fill, my share of losing, and swore I would never let love invade my being ever again. Once was more than enough for me.

Yet, even after what, almost fifty years? If she were to walk back into my arms, I wouldn’t say a word. And yes, I would take her back that quickly for I never stopped loving her.

Still, as tears subside, in a small sense, I find it all so amusing because, just imagine it if you will. With all I have accomplished in life; to think, I did all that, without hesitation. Oh no, oh no, not me because I vowed a long time ago, I would do things my way.

Now, I am here in my last moments of life, and I ponder life’s big prank on me, for what is a man, what has he got to show for all he has done, knowing when the light goes dark one last time, you become nothing more than a memory.

Let’s face it, if not himself, then he has naught and perhaps that is the last deciding factor before life is snubbed out.

To say the things he truly feels, whether believed or not, but know these words are not from one who kneels. I have been knocked around and knocked down until it came my turn. When it did, suddenly the world changed for me. For the records shows, I took the blows and yet, I did it my way.

Your last official act is to follow the directions in the envelope and make absolutely certain everything written is followed to the letter. You must find her for me. Tell her I am sorry. And that all I have remaining, is hers.

It is my way of saying ... each heart beat I have, beats for no one but her.

Now go. I need to close my eyes and sleep, perhaps for the last time.

Breathe today

H.O.P.E

Deep in my Soul

3 a.m.

I Need

A Cure

Right this Second

Dissolving Time

This is Not

Fully Alive

Bleed

Choke

Silence

This is what it feels like

Losing you

Bring on the night

As I Sleep

Away

The Light.

I'm going slightly mad, waiting for the hammer to fall. Who wants to live forever?

"Don't try Suicide."

Don't stop me now, I want to break free.

"Everybody hurts sometimes. Hang on in there"

The wildness, the dark, the night comes down. I'm scared.

"Breakthru. If only I could make you smile… Brighton Rock... Barcelona, Lazing on a Sunday afternoon... Deliha."

First glance, First kiss, flash to the rescue. The show must go on, in the lap of the gods.

1. Alluring Secret: Black Vow

2. Lost One's Weeping

3. Ma Survival Game

4. Daughter of White

So yikes. Where do you wanna start? Warnings of rape, most prominently abuse(family and domestic), dysfunctional parents, mental illness, death, the absolute child endangerment that is Gohan's childhood, and some not great portrayals of certain characters. Taken from a perspective without the life and death battle, which may make certain statements problematic. Kinda wanted to explore consequences of growing up in a fraught, unstable environment with little idea of what construes normal; also borrowed the plot beats of a certain fanfiction named 'Killed With Kindness' which is about an abusive, dangerous relationship at the center. Not to mention addressing that it was the job of adults to protect a child rather than expect said child to do that for them.

**************************

Heh.

Years and years later.

His older brother still went into his moods every now and again.

Years and years later.

Tears would still leak from Goten's eyes to watch. But if he turned away, would he find that big brother hadn't eaten? Would he find he was turning on himself; guilty and dirty? He didn't understand what "dirty" was. Yet it brought such a chill he wasn't sure he wanted to.

Trunks may have laughed, Mom may not have wanted to at first, and Bulma had been the one to insist.

See Goten go to a therapist too.

She had his methods. Pair him off with what had been missing. A Father. A Man. A strong stone pillar that if around...

Maybe could have stopped Big Brother from packing his bags; had him stop. And think. On what love was, on what SMACK was appropriate. And circumvent one night of lust that led to thousands.

--There was an angel who had lost both her wings--

Gohan. His so strong, the strongest, his big brother.

Goten knew by heart all the stories. Of the past, of that sordid present, all the secrets and jokes between adults.

He knew Mother and Bulma could go on and on in circles worrying.

Gohan had no friends.

He had a bright future.

Gohan had no one.

Gohan would marry and give his Mother grandkids to spoil.

Gohan had brought a boy, oh but he was rich. Lived on his own. A house all paid for. (?) Some things with this Lemo's Mother that he wished not to talk about. Clattering his fork and going dark.

--Who devoted her life to whatever the world may bring--

Even, when life looked to only bruise his face, refuse him food, scream and insist. Attack and berate at his strength.

"LOCK the DOor Goten!"

Vegeta hmmphed seeing the sorry state of his clothes. The obvious lies and mournful eyes.

"You can't slack off."

"The world needs you, remember that."

"Studying, alright fine." Piccolo, did you have to say it in that tone?

Some outright laughed and he did with them.

In the after, well Goten couldn't remember feeling so angry.

"Lock your door."

That wasn't fair!

"Lemo is... angry with me. He, hahahaha, stupid but he-- hits sorta hard."

It wasn't his fault. It wasn't.

"Don't open it." Gohan squeezed hard enough to bruise. Recoiling when Goten grimaced at the pain. "Please, whatever you hear, no matter what, DO. Not. Open. The door."

--She fell in love once long ago in the past knowing love just couldn't last--

It ended after a year of silence. Gohan being no more than a ghost.

Gohan clutched his hand tight to his chest, wide eyed at Goten who couldn't comprehend. Just what was the big deal about his neck?

Wha--

He would always ask.

Could only ask.

In a love so beautiful, so gross to his childish brain.

What went so fatally wrong? They didn't share food anymore. Didn't laugh anymore. Gohan didn't look at Lemo without guilt, without pain. Not a warrior, not a murderer. Not a monster, not a Saiyan. Lemo he said...

Gave him the most wonderful gift. The gift Goten had, of being a kid.

--So heartbroken the lost angel had been, wandered the town not knowing what to do--

There'd been a time where love meant erasing all the pain.

Sweeping it away under pretty words and lofty promises.

Laughing to all the little things that made his brother odd.

\And as an adult those odd tics of an alien still filled him with shame\

\He could stare for hours, gauging if it was safe to finish? Was he meant to eat as much dinner as he liked? Or did his wife want leftovers? Would there be company tomorrow? What if shehshahdworkearmfjeiolyinnthermemrotning? Itwouldn'tbefairthentoleaveabigmess.\

No ambiguousness, no two ways about it.

Lemo had wanted the new nerdy student of Orange Star High.

Now... now in the dead of nights at city streets too loud with the horns of cars. Yelling at Gohan too for being at the roads at this hour.

Offended that he looked so bedraggled, a whole sorry mess, racked with the shudder of cold... too hungry, too depleted to summon up even a taudry heat of the little reserves withering away.

His body despondent, desperately starving.

Goten didn't know that one.

The day he knew, much, much farther along was one about a police precinct.

Mom should have been the one to find his brother on the streets.

Bulma.

Vegeta.

Piccolo.

Someone! Someone should have!

Before he burned a house down.

Before Officer 09465 found him.

But that day before the precinct Gohan found love looked much more like Shrapnel cursing softly, barely there taking in Gohan across him on an old, piss stinking sectional a dour shade of magenta.

--A boy came by the most beautiful he'd seen with eyes shining brightly with life so sweet--

Lemo first came to into his life...

Quite casually.

Simply one lunch period he'd decided to sit with Hercule Satan's daughter, her new friends, and the odd Son boy due in his next period.

He made very good desserts.

Shrapnel couldn't cook for shit.

Someone else came in for that about once a week.

Mr. Shrapnel's Father was a list of issues too. His work was the reason.

Crime.

Might as well lay it all out for when the old man orders the goons over and scared the crap out of--

Well point, Gohan developed a certain stance habit even sitting down.

And, they'd talked for twelve minutes fifty seconds to the dot and-- did he blink?

Gohan sometimes forgot to keep in mind that that scared Shrapnel. And forgetting terrified him a faair bit too.

"A human with me, I wonder could it be?" Gohan had to wonder. Had he truly gotten so lucky?

--They gave into the lust within and ran away to start their night of sin--

Now, this particular memory wasn't... particularly... anyone's fault.

Everyone assumed he'd not understand anyway.

And they were right. He didn't.

"Your son raped his partner."

And Gohan stopped bouncing Goten on his leg. Making him look up.

To see his brother frown in a way... that made Goten tear up real sad because his brother looked ready to cry too.

And none of the grown-ups were talking, moving, breathing it looked like with all their eyes blown wide.

Mom hugged Gohan and by happy coincidence Goten as well. Screaming and sobbing, rocking them both since she was swaying on her feet as she held her boys.

He had met Meri.

He had known very not good things had happened when their brothers had slept in the same bed.

He'd just not connected the image, of Gohan being used and kept still with the word.

Ra--ra-- such a clearly distasteful word.

By all the adults refusing to look at his brother. As if he were... too ugly? To look at?

--Are we finally free? Can it be? Within this night of lust it's just the two of us--

"The first time hurt. It hurt like a bitch."

Gohan swore a lot more.

Gohan had a lot more friends now.

Gohan had someone, albeit another kid, to hold his hand while his world fell apart and something inside broke. Possibly irreparable, possibly for the worst.

**********************************

"Lemma," Meri whispers so quietly and carefully. Breathless from fear and from pain.

--Determined to do what it will take for them to thrive--

Their lives a tragic fairytale.

"You're King," Lemo murmured in his hair whilst the Witch wearing the skin of a Mother shrieked. Huddled in a dark corner by only the light of a lamp warming their faces in gold. Turning dull eyes to sparkling, hopeful flares. "It's my job to make sure you grow up strong. So you can take back this kingdom. As the King right now... is too weak to do so."

--Clutching their sins, now it begins--

Meri knew it well.

The sound of a palm backhanding Lemo. Rage flying from this Witch they were bound to call Mother too.

King.

King.

As long, as long as Meri could make it to fourteen.

All the Kings were fourteen. Then things would be fine.

Sometimes, his eyes wavered, staying on the knife block in the kitchen while Mother made their dinner.

Was it safe to let her have those?

Couldn't she turn on them as easily as he wanted to turn on her?

--Paranoia saves you from the favors that could spell your doom--

SLAP!

Meri trembled, Lemo refused to hold him, touch him, even be close for a week.

Meri, Meri just had to memorize the rules.

The rules were there for a reason. The rules were to survive. To keep him safe, to keep him on the path to be King.

And though he suspected it somewhat abnormal not to have outgrown such a story, for Lemo to keep telling him such a story, Meri continued to believe. With all his heart.

With all his heart Meri almost shatters when their Father's visits become less and less.

Because he was a weak King. A weak, servile King who'd not had the nerve to kill that fake wife.

--An alluring, sensual fille de joire--

Late at night, when the sky greys in hue.

When big brother lied about sleeping soundly.

Is a grunt and heave.

Down in what is the forbidden master bedroom.

Just a second and he can hardly believe... heart racing, mind a tumble, does he run and almost stumble down the hall.

--A noble using her prestige for headway--

Was it... normal?

For people actually in love, to bicker so much?

"But I get so lonely here by myself," Lemo would complain.

"What lonely!" Gohan shot back. "Look, I mean I live here, I spend all my weekends here, I cuddle in the halls with you, I go to the bathroom when you do, hang out and eat with your friends, go to your favorite places, talk about your parents. I can list more. Frankly, I think maybe, we could invite my. Friends?"

"I mean yeah! That is the basics of what a good boyfriend does. I'm sorry if that's such a hassle for you!"

"Well no-- I mean, look that isn't what I said. I just mean, can't we slow down a bit. I'm honestly kinda tired."

"No. No Gohan if anything I'm tired. I clean, I cook, I figure out the bills, I still have to study, not to mention make sure you don't open the door at just anyone who could be my Mother trying to either steal Mer back or TURN YOU AGAINST ME! Just like she did to my Dad."

That... hadn't happened.

Lemo's lying Gohan. He's lying.

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

"Ugh. Figure yourself out how you're gonna get dinner! And don't you dare think of blowing more money I earn."

--A girl whose love for her older brother is a bit bizarre--

And he wanted to take Lem's side he really did.

Except Gohan hurt too much, too often.

Smiling all the same.

"I'M SORRY!!!!"

--Up against her the brother's fiance--

All the men in their family had entered Lemo would lie.

Their Father, his Father, his Father, and their Grand-Pappy.

Ten-kai Ichi.

"I mean I thought..."

"No. Absolutely not. Much too dangerous. Not to mention an inappropriate influence."

"My Dad--"

"Left you!"

Lemo didn't appreciate how his temper flared.

However, there was no fear anymore.

"Gohan that's just the truth of it. Please, it hurts me to see you hurt. Please. Move on."

--Something awful happened yesterday...--

His brother could only laugh.

Somewhat sly, voice bemused of a too-big, too naive imagination.

"Don't worry."

___"Gohan just lost his footing"___

"You are such a klutz," he chided fondly.

A meek, dutiful and slathering beast.

Who warily agreed. Agreed that he was so lucky, that Meri's older brother loved him just as he was, silly as he was, dull as that head was.

"That Father of yours, I bet he dropped you. Oh wait, you said he'd fallen too."

Lemo abruptly cut his laughter, realizing the man who should be on his side had stopped obeying.

'Hadn't he said?'

I love you.

And the one who loved you, agreed with you.

________Who's to say... that's how it happened?________

--Something--

--Somthing--

Just keeps and keeps on happening.

--Something awful happened yesterday--

He is gone.

Big brother, just what did you do?

--Blood blooms like a flower from the loser's back--

Turned insane.

'Am I...?'

Meri can only fear.

'Am I insane as well?'

Meri can only cover his ears.

All he knew to do.

--The older girl crumpled to the ground, and the last thing that she saw... Before her vision faded into deep, darkest black--

Whilst his brother begged, loud and broken to the black haired man.

The man who smiled and was kind like Mother never was.

Punishment was the continuing order for this man.

THUNK.

Meri no longer breathed.

Tears burning in his eyes, pearls, soul pieces, embers... of a brave warrior who could not and would not turn away.

__And there he screamed, this man whose name had not mattered for he was the Beast__

________Meri could not comprehend. Wailed in agony equal and greater still________

That not even the most evil nor beloved Witch could silence.

--The distraught face of his brother in law--

Haunt his tormented days to come.

--Nevertheless (and though he knows is well deserved) survival--

--is not a talent he should let himself forget for all his living days--

For gleaming in the background...

is a sharp and vengeful curse.

Burning black and burning heartless evil.

Who's first? Who could say?

"But say hello to your bitch of a Mother for me."

******************************

Mom hadn't appreciated not being called.

She hadn't appreciated her son having been in jail.

Mom hated this person who'd burned down his oppressor's house down. Hated his finally fighting.

Goten hated her for forcing Gohan on the run again. Away from his home, his bed. Away from Goten.

--Feel it cutting into me the doubting, painful knife. Feel it deepening the rift finally cutting just right--

Why?

It was almost funny!

How his big brother never fought for himself.

He'd set that house on fire for Lemo's newest prey. Poor thing, turned mute.

--Feel it growing into a weapon, hurting me--

Hardly asleep and he'd awoken screaming and erratic at the softest touch.

His roommate took in his bloodshot eyes with sadness of his own.

Shrapnel showed to Gohan a softness he'd never have believed him capable.

Then again--

The flashes of Cell, of Frieza, Raditz, and all the others repeated.

He hadn't believed himself capable of such weakness.

He never should have been able to fall for all of Lemo's tricks. Much less end up so... so... DAMAGED.

Shrapnel kept his actions slow, loud, and overt.

He did what was only verbally approved to do.

"Shhh, shhh. Focus. Just focus on my voice, focus on where you're at like right at this second."

But Gohan shuddered for more. Wanted to demand more.

But...

AHHH! Lemo didn't stop. Covered his mouth when he reaaally didn't wanna hear the words.

More could turn into too much he couldn't give.

--So good with numbers Science and Math I like, but I'm terrible at English--

"And for the love of God," Shrapnel grumbled, "GO. Go outside Gohan, I am telling you and just make sure you tell me if you'll need me to leave the door unlocked at some hour of the morning."

"That-- that's it?"

"Yes. What do I have to--"

Shrapnel sighed. He did that a lot. Especially in the stray hours after Gohan peeled himself off to change and eat.

"Damn it."

There were so many rules and not enough rules, no do and don't, no if that.. this and what have you.

Shrapnel wasn't-- he wasn't doing this right.

He wasn't setting his clear boundaries!!!

--And I feel that everything I choose will always be false--

There'd been no right answer.

And he was sure even his brother had known back then; seventeen and torn to pieces. So that he cried after yelling about being given all the food when Goten was smaller and precious and RIGHT. There.\

--And today, this homework about me. A blank sheet--

Cher was a friend of Lemo's. Of course.

He was much leaner than Shrapnel, polished too with distinctively common square glasses which glinted off dark, calculating eyes.

"Well, there is not much more to say then, I am so sorry for all of it. Shrapnel says..."

"I was too much. I-- I don't want, I can just I have friends of my own."

"Dude, friends who you've said as much make you feel like shit about this whole mess!"

"Shrapnel please," Cher scolded, "not helping."

"Doesn't mean I'm wrong."

"Now you by no means do have to take my hand. I just hope you will."

And he smiled.

He remembered the voice on his phone. Late at night when Shrapnel had called past the shock phase into impotent, (too possible to turn) violent rage.

--Saying how we're sad and how we're lonely--

Cher sat beside him, not saying a word. Not expecting anything.

Simply present.

He turned the page of his workbook, finding the page was no longer illegible from his shaking, sweaty palms.

--Can you even stop the rope from hanging him by his neck--

"Che-- Cher."

For a moment he did not respond. Too caught up in his playlist.

"Cher!"

"Oh I'm sorry. Did you--"

Face out of range he presented the flier meticulously smoothed out and held close to his chest each night.

"Please."

"Umm? Go-han. What am I looking at? Exactly?"

"Let me compete, I know it's sorta not the safest thing in the world so I could get hurt and need a hospital even though like not really because we have a family secret for that that I can't tell you but either way I'd still stick you with some bills and that is so stupid to do for some fighting tournament even though it is like fucking important because if my Dad will come for anything it's this and I never did get to-- to properly y'know send him off and I don't care if he left I want to duke it out one more time! So with all that, will you consider?"

"Sure, I'm free that day. I can support you."

He bit his lip.

He wasn't answering. "Did I ask at a bad time?"

"Bad--?" he looked to the dinner, "oh goodness Gohan."

He raised his hands, letting him see just his hands. No movement, no items, no danger. Namely boiling sauce.

"You are asking me permission to compete in the first place."

"Well yeah."

"Uh. Gohan, you don't need my permission, and by the looks of it not even a parent's permission. But if you'd feel-- more at ease, then I will say yes. Go ahead and sign up and I will collect everyone to cheer you on."

When he hugged Cher he did almost end up tipping the sauce over making him yelp and panicking both.

Before breaking into giggles.

They'd not really talked about it much.

Cher closing the subject in the gentlest way possible for obvious reasons.

Though they didn't disagree. No. Lemo had to die for daring to raise a hand to yet another friend.

It was sick.

"Does he just have a roster of you all to run through?"

"I don't want to consider it, but it might as well be a sound theory."

Absolutely vile.

*****************************

--I am so sorry for being alive--

Meri turned seventeen not two weeks ago.

Meri was invited to a wedding by a female classmate for this weekend.

He'd run through his paces. Seeing a Zen master/martial artist to sort through various nasty missteps and failures of his past. Namely, achieving consciousness.

Sensei Shin-Hon wouldn't appreciate the exaggeration.

Son-Satan manor now rose to greet him.

And of course Mr. Son Gohan was as well. Likely having sensed the energy of a little boy who'd been groomed to--in so little words-- kill his Mother.

--I have been saying that since I was five--

The image of that small boy, head toward white marble as Gohan kneeled down never left.

"I'm sorry."

He shouldn't be saying that.

He shouldn't be here.

His stupid, abandoning Dad shouldn't have been scolding and punishing him! He should have been allowed to give him and Lemo and their parents and all those what they deserved!

"You've seen what no kid should ever, ever have to see. This can't be easy and it's okay really, if you need to get it out however it comes. Cry, scream, break something. Hit me." And he laughed nervously, "well alright maybe not me. Then again I did, well your parents didn't deserve-- oh no. Oh no nononono. Did I say something wrong?"

Meri just couldn't hold himself.

Wrapping his arms around and barely reaching he heaved out heavy, pained sobs. God! KaMI! Something! He--he felt it. He felt bone where there should be squishiness, felt where his skin bucked because of a bruise or-- and he shuddered, what was probably faded white and jagged.

Scars. Gohan had scars.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'M SORRYYYYYYYYYY! I'M SO--" and for a bit he couldn't speak. Just cry. Heaving he found enough to say it. "I should have-- hic-- I should have stopped, stopped him."

"I should have told. I hurt you."

"No. Listen to me. No. You, you did not do anything, anything alright," and... was Gohan crying too.

He hadn't meant to do that!

Meri shook his head.

"You did the right things," Gohan said. "We had no idea what would have happened if you stood in front of it. Your brother, your brother is very sick. He could-- could be he wouldn't have stopped. Even for you."

"He-- he isn't bad. Not-- not like Mommy. Lemma's almost never hit me!"

Gohan nodded.

"True. He's clearly done a great job looking after you and being there when yours' Dad couldn't be," he wiped the tears away.

"But-- but he still, still did something awful!"

"Yeah, and hey."

"Hey."

"Those were his choices. You don't control what he does, or... even... what I would have done. Because I'm the one who stayed anyway and made it all go on longer. Me and your brother made the bed so now we have to deal with it. But, and this one's important." Meri couldn't help, did he dare hope? Hope for... what? Forgiveness maybe. "That is between me, him, and a therapist. Not you, and do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because all we've managed to do is make you need one of those. I forgive you, even if there's nothing to forgive. I say it, because it's what you need and is the truth. It's the truth you need most."

--Tedious days and years went by all I ever did was whimper and whine--

"Brother! Where-- where's Lemo Witch!"

"Witch!" Videl yelled over the very real air pressure.

Meri squiggled and squirmed, forcing her to brake just to get him back into place.

"Hey! Look down."

Meri came to the startling conclusion he'd best be quiet.

"V! You get them both!" asked a brawny sort with girly blond hair and a mean, smug type of face.

"Whaddya mean both? Were we supposed to get both!?"

"Fuuuuck!"

--Truly no one deserves that fate--

So, he found, once he'd been briefed he couldn't be mad nor even that scared.

Not even of Gohan's dear friends who clearly wanted Lemo dead. They let him hide from his Mother anyways.

Sure, she looked like she wanted a hug, crying and sick with worry for them both...

But then why wasn't she-- or Dad-- calling Lemo's name?

--Gradually and slowly I had learned to open up and truly trust her--

He stayed up on what was called the Lookout.

No one for company except his own parents, a green person, a woman he remembered to be Gohan's mother, and even a couple other kids.

The little brother Gohan so adored.

The mentor who had first taught him to fight. According to Lemo, made Gohan a beast.

Meri knew full well, and stayed well away from the adults.

But a green littler man came by to talk.

Calling himself God. Gohan had said there were many. One on Earth and others up in Heaven.

So, he supposed, this was really God. And he'd not answered any prayer. Not Meri's, not Father's or Lemo's. He was sure not Gohan's to "end it."

The world was at stake.

It'd been vital for Goten to learn this technique called "Fusion."

_________So do you get a kick out of pitying such a worthless nobody?________

"Hey I'm Goten. And I almost didn't sense you. What are you doing all out here?"

"I don't wanna go. Tell my parents to eff themselves or better yet go jump off!"

"Hah! I can't say that."

"Then leave," he decried somberly.

Only for the kid to shake his head faster than a spinning top. Fists even curled and raised to show off his conviction. "Nuh uh. No way! Come on, it can't be fun to be alone all like this. Hey, we'll get my brother you'll see. Y'know," Goten leaned in, "he wouldn't have said so to keep you safe but... he's... the Great... Saiyamaaaaan!"

Rolling the name with dance to boot.

Heh?

"Yeah," he plopped himself back down next to him. Nudging his shoulder. "So, this I bet is a big plan. Gohan's pretended to go evil so Baddibibi will be all like 'oh hum' then my brother attacks!" Fisting himself on the head he imitated a KO.

Meri simply Hmmphed.

Boy. He wished that kid had really been dumb. That he'd not known a damn thing about damn anything.

--Without another word... he took me into his arms. And said something I thought I'd never hear--

"Saving your life was no mistake. I an so glad to have met you and be friends today."

Seemed that, no matter how cruel my brother or deranged my Mother. These Sons, would stick by our sides.

I could truly never repay them.

Cold.

I'm Cold.

Shiver and shake, pornography -- Harold AND Joe

(How Beautiful You Are).

Three imaginary boys, sinking,

Screw in-between days.

Wendy time -- a foolish arrangement --

(Us AND them)

So what?

Let's go to bed, birdmad girl,

Piggy in the mirror.

If only tonight we could sleep,

Breathe, a pink dream,

The perfect girl,

One more time, like

Cockatoos.

To wish

Impossible things from

The edge

Of the deep green sea,

In your house

At night.

Secrets?

So what.

It's not you.