oh god, i'm sorry
i'm so sorry
oh god, i'm sorry
i'm so sorry
oh god, i'm sorry
i'm so sorry
“Mind In A Cage”
In panic and fear
I cannot move forward
I can no longer react
My body just seized
I'm under attack
I try to breathe
But it's suffocating me
What's on my mind to
Cause such distress
Things I have said and all my regrets
The trembles start and the
Fast beating heart
My mind in a cage with thoughts I Can't explain
Trying to understand it
Leaves me feeling emotionally drained
At times I feel like a empty shell
Living in anxieties personal Hell
My mind is a prison
These emotions in me
Are extremely debilitating
Anxiety's no joke
A mental race
I can never escape
Let go! Let me breathe!
My terror and my anger seethe
Beneath the surface, no reprieve
To look at me, you wouldn't believe
That I'm broken
Destined to grieve.
Please relax! Unclench your fist!
Every muscle inside me twists
I'll never reach the end of my list
Of things to do, you get the gist
I beg forgiveness
For all I've missed.
No, don't start! Please don't cry!
Why can't I learn to say goodbye?
Should I fall to pieces or live a lie?
Tempted to give up and get high
I'll never make it
As hard as I try.
Calm yourself! Get a grip!
Hands shaking with my bottom lip
Breathe in deep and screw on the tip
Let it out while into ink I dip
My art, my life
My reality slip.
Good Morning, Old Friend.
I awake to
A tick tick,
The alarm rings 8
And like a curtain cue
The sky lifts her skirt,
Bathes my bedsheets.
I am a warm wayfarer
But barely breathing
Before my feet
The cold floor.
ill at mind
I get that feeling inside
And it fills me with fear
I want to run and hide
But there is no safety near
I begin to doubt
That I will get through
And when I cry I pout
Because I deny what's true
Anxiety is the name
Oh it's so unforgiving
I don't want to play its game
I'm never winning
Never will I see
Why this happens to me
Drowning in sound
Stands out too loud
Voices fighting voices
Can't quiet the crowd
Heart beats too fast
And I keep my head down
Try to make my way
To the check out
The people in line
All wear a frown
Their faces are mocking
I want to shutdown
The girl says next
And it's my turn now
My palms are so sweaty
As time melts around
The counter and things
In the background
She's got my bags
But I can't find ground
Have a nice day
And I'm breaking down
Bolt for the door
And I'm finally out
The air hits my lungs
And I'm finally found
Trapped inside and unwavering mind
It’s laughing and joking and being unkind
It’s screaming, poking, whispering lies
Closing me off from others and ignoring my cries
Squeezing tighter and not letting go
Take a seat and watch the show
The pressure is building, about to explode
“You’ve fallen for it again” my mind laughs and goads
Trying to breath but my chest is constricting
Needing to move but body is resisting
Darkness swirling and closing in
Multiple layers flashing I see a skull with a grin
Craving someone with a reassuring touch
Then running and hiding as it becomes too much
Clawing at my insides and ripping them to shreds
As I look to unwind the mess of interlocking threads
Fighting with something that won’t let go
Another experience I’ll have to forego
Tears burn like acid as I try not cry
Adding to the pain and the scars as I wait to die
Locked in by a mind with an ever changing guise
Trying to hide from its trickery but become paralysed
As my heart beats faster trying to get free
A small part of my mind tries to escape being me
© Rowanne S Carberry
I wrote my first will at age 12
It always happened at night, which was
So I kept them to myself after a while.
I thought that I was dying, my
hypochondria and paranoia and
N-e-r-v-o-s-a, technical terms on Web M.D.
that only trickled down into my conclusion that
I would be dead by morning.
My heart was beating too fast, too hard
and my body ached like a 100-year-old man,
not like a scared adolescent girl who
couldn't control her breathing,
chest going up down up down
until it would finally flood with something and
s t o p
w o r k i n g.
I would apologize to the thin air for things that I had done that day,
things I couldn't even control:
I could have beaten Atlas with the weight on my shoulders.
My possessions would have been divvied up equally amongst my family members, so
when they finally found my corpse laying in bed
they would have a clear cut way to take apart my room.
I made sure my whimpering
and watery eyes
were quiet enough so that the rest of my house could sleep.
All of that worrying must have scared them to death.
My Mother’s Doll
Lissie cowered. That is, as much as a porcelain doll is capable of cowering. She focused on being small and invisible. Rage whirled around her in a fury of heat, screeching, and items being flung and left, broken where they fell. She felt the hot breath of rage turn its attention to her. It was what she dreaded. The world spun, in a loud and wild upset of aching cracks. As she lay on the hardwood floor, where she had been cast, glistening ringlets tumbling across her face, the world around her changed. She felt, but couldn't see, as she was lifted, more gently this time, and the broken pieces of porcelain were glued back into place. Good as new, with the exception of a few missing shards.
Eventually, Lissie learned to be a girl, then a woman. But she never learned how to stop being a doll. She learned to glue herself back together, but each time, there were missing shards, and more fragile cracks. She saw the pattern, but not another option. The glue only held things together, it did not offer additional strength. Rage continued to take hold of her world, sometimes with the same, familiar voice of her girlhood, as well as deeper, stronger, more terrifying voices. With each new voice, it seemed as though the idea of breaking the pattern was increasingly impossible.
After the porcelain turns to dust between the webs of glue, what will remain? Lissie wondered if she was the product or producer of her porcelain cage.
a cacophony of the unwanted.
Every look, every gesture,
welcomes in a new wave of
Every sight, every perception,
adds to the clanging,
of an internal hailstorm.
Brought without cause,
manifested by thought,
ingrained by habit,
the eyes dart,
the heart quickens,
the breath halts,
All masked with a smile and a nod.