Barren eyes starved of beauty

cry in rain bursts with the sky

while writer unsheathes pen,

capturing torrents of anger and pain

concealed deeply within her heart,

escaping regrets, sorting them in jars.

Silent bony screams beat on veins,

cold, icy winds search for cathartic exit.

Artist resuscitates dying soul tree

with leftover breaths of darkness.

Heaviness surrounds her heart as she

spits out the embers onto her page,

engraving words on skin of thoughts,

clumps of sorrow, chinks in her walls,

inhaled threats of no tomorrow.

Plants word flowers within herself,

waiting for them to unfold

in delicate blooms protected

from onslaught of bitter storms.

Clouds of despair deafening heart

make room for human spirit, warming

the miracle of life unleashing

in enlightened bolts of enchantment.

Cruel memories whirl into distance

as happiness is unshackled from minds

chaperoning the free flight of sunshine.

The true artist sees the beauty of angst

but captures the fingernail moon of joy

for those who yearn to share the light.

A great husband, he was.

Not.

An excellent father, he was.

Not.

A fine gentleman, he was.

Definitely not.

A true-blue friend?

Mmmm...not so much.

But he is father to my children,

shared DNA to God's greatest gifts.

And he was a catalyst to my betterment,

so heaviness, I could lift.

He was the exact opposite of responsible;

drug-addicted, he left me bitter and hateful,

drowning in the darkness of unrelenting loathing,

but for even that, I can be grateful.

A better woman, I am today,

his role playing no small part;

and as for love, I've gotten wiser,

more careful to whom I give my heart.

This is one of two i'm going to write... this one is just a thank you to him for being a great boyfriend for eighteen months. 

Thank you,

You took someone who had been broken and helped to mend me and without you, my life would have been so much different, lesser. 

Before i met you i was going down a bad path and you saved me before i could get too far. You loved me and let me love you, you made me a part of your family.

Without you i wouldn't have graduated high school. You pushed me, even forced some days, for me to go to school. You truly were the best thing that could have happened to me at that stage of my life. You pushed me to go to school and in that, i did the unthinkable... I graduated on time when everyone told me i wouldn't be able to do it.

We had some problems and we weren't perfect but when i think of you, i never think about mean comments or actions that were said between us.

I remember camping at Ocean Shores, the amazing burgers you made me and the movie marathons we had. When i think of you i always know i owe you more than you might even know, than i might have ever told you.

You not only made me go to school, but met me at the pool with breakfast and hot chocolate and walked me to class before catching your next bus. You took care of me every time i was sick and you gave me a person to lean on. 

When things ended it was hard. You meant so much to me for so long and it was weird to see how we changed after high school... but i never once hated you. I admired the both of us in the way we broke up and how we remained friends even through your next girlfriend and my boyfriend. 

Never once did i hate you. You showed me another family... one that loved me too. You were funny and caring and because of you i'm on a better path in life.

How could you ever thank someone enough for that? 

There was death, love, pain and eighteen months full of life and firsts. 

So more than anything what i want to say.. it's simple... Thank you.

Thank you for being a part of my life and letting me be a part of yours.

Thank you for homecoming, for tolo, for prom. 

Thank you for being an adult with me when we broke up.

Thank you for supporting me at my graduation and letting me be a part of yours.

Thank you for being a huge part of my life as i transitioned from teenager to young adult.

And thank you to your mother and brother for taking care of me and loving me too. 

You deserve the best in life and i only hope that i could have had a portion of the positive impact on your life... than you had on mine.

I know i was imperfect, i know i was difficult and i know i struggled a lot. 

And thank you for loving me through that anyway.

xoxo. 

Of all the beautiful moments we shared, the most beautiful might have been the night we gave up. No more fighting. No more stays of execution. 

I'll love you until the day I die. 

But maybe, just maybe, you were right. 

I learned a lot

From him

Baseball may be America's

Favorite pastime

It's not mine

Going to bed early

For next day's game

Can change your life

And, blue eyes and blond hair

Lags well behind

Dark skin

Dark hair

Dark eyes

Most importantly

"Fiance"

Is just a word

I never truly heard

Carpe Diem

I write this poem as an ode:

To the weights on my ankles

Keeping me down

To the whispers in my head

Clouding my thoughts

To the tape over my mouth

Concealing my voice

To the chains on my hands

Keeping them lowered

To the tears in my eyes

Blurring my vision

To the pain in my legs

Assisting my fall

To the blisters on my feet

Making me limp

To all that you've done,

I forgive you.

I’d like to think there are two sides to situations, so once more I declare as an ode:

To the weights on my ankles

Keeping me steady

To the whispers in my head

Strengthening my integrity

To the tape over my mouth

Allowing me to listen

To the chains on my hands

Keeping me calm

To the tears in my eyes

Letting me feel

To the pain in my legs

Building my muscle

To the blisters on my feet

Roughening me up

To the all the scars on my body

For accepting life's hardships

To all the love around me

For giving my life meaning

To all that you've done,

I thank you.

You taught me to trust no one. No one will stay. No one live up to that title. I guess that's fair. We're 0/9 now, aren't we? I guess what you taught me was fair. I don't look at them as people to get used to. People to talk to. People to cherish for the time being. Rather, I look at them as a stray cat looks at an abandoned piece of grilled salmon. There are good experiences, good feelings and emotions, that come with it. The growling stomach subsides. The rib bones stick out a little less. The fat content is regained a bit more. But, in the end, the salmon is reduced to bones that have no use to me anymore. It is discarded. Sounds a bit familiar, huh?

To be clear, I recall little about you. Just a few experiences where you were my uncle, and I was your niece. You were never going to marry my aunt or be there for my cousin more than a bus ticket to see your mother or to visit you and your new wife in your new life down in Atlanta. Still, I think back to you when I see him. Bob is very red. Bob is very small. I loved Bob most of all. I couldn't tell you what happened to Bob. He's another fallen toy in another broken memory of another hazy time. Just like you. Only, I loved Bob. I can't say the same for you. I can remember Bob's face. I can't say the same for you. I can remember crying when I lost Bob. I can't say the same for you.

To say I have "Daddy issues" would be moronic, especially since I know where he is. I can go downstairs and point to him. Can my cousin say the same for you? Can he say he knows where you are? Can he go downstairs and point to you? Didn't think so, but this is supposed to be a positive thing. I guess I'll have to write one for the guy after you since I've done the one after him too. Twice. Guess he's a favorite. The favorite of the men who have created a slight rip in psyche that I don't understand. Like I said, you aren't my dad (something your son says a lot too, but I digress) so why does my brain associate you to the feelings of those kids living without a father (or hell, even a mother)? Anger. Hatred. Fear. I can't pinpoint when or why they emerged. Maybe after my first break up or around the time of my first period. I don't even know why I am trying to turn you into a positive thing, when you clearly aren't worth the time, effort, or space in my brain.

The only positive thing that came out of this relationship was Bob. To the other kids who own him, he was just a toy. Just a little keychain that looked cute in family photos. A trinket that was fun to duck on, but not fun to chew because (if I remember him correctly) he was made of a hard red plastic that clinked when you banged your teeth on it. Not very fun at all. But for me, he wasn't just a think because he is the one think I can associate you with. You were my Ron Bob. You always pointed him out. Always said I looked like a Bob. My other aunts' boyfriends didn't do that. Of course, there are some positives with them two (normally the leaving part but there's others in between). From what I know, you didn't hit her. Or maybe you did and we were all too small to remember. Seems like something you don't forget though, but hell, who knows? God willing, my offspring will never know that horror but that is another angry rant at another stupid man who came in my life, kicked some shit over, and was kicked out. Again, I'm supposed to be positive.

The point is, I couldn't tell you when I lost Bob just like I couldn't tell you when you left. I couldn't tell you where Bob is now, just like I couldn't tell you where you are now. I couldn't tell you what emotion Bob left deep inside of me, just like I couldn't begin to describe the emotions you leaving made me feel. It's like looking at a photo album and seeing something you remember but not knowing why. That's exactly the feeling actually. I will the see the pictures of me, two or three then, with Bob clipped onto my overall strap, or hanging from my pocket, or even dangling between my teeth, and I will wonder if you were there. Back when I couldn't pinpoint whether things were happy or sad because I was too busy being a kid and growing up to deal with everyone else's emotions. But now, I'm damn near grown and supposedly you are sending me money for college. I don't know why. As previously stated, you were never going to settle down with my aunt. I was never your niece, though for a moment, I was, though I don't remember it. So, while your money will happily be deposited into my bank account, I cannot say I know the meaning of it. Where exactly it is coming from (whether your heart or your conscience or your memory) I neither know nor care about. I think we should leave it that way.

The positive things you taught me was that everything is like a toy. The theoretical intended purpose is to be loved and taken care of when the actual purpose is to make money of of stupid children's love for trivial things. Turns out, I'm not cut out for business like that. I'm too emotional. I get too attached to those trivial feelings of want, desire, and love. I can't deal with losing things very well. Which is a long way of saying, you taught me that all of the people my aunt brings around will leave. Which wasn't bad advice because so far that has been consistent. So thanks for being a deadbeat Ron-Bob. I appreciate it.

It's a little off beat, rant like and repetitive... but it's for a reason. 

In all honestly; he ruined her.

He didn't ruin her life, though he did come close.

But he ruined her down to the very core of who she was.

He took a fifteen year old girl and lied about it being his first time.

He took no, no, no as just push a little harder and she'll cave; she's going to say yes.

She did.

In all her innocence she was weak willed and he knew it.

Men like him always knew it.

Verbal abuse breeds sorrow and apologies.

But it's a vicious cycle you see; she didn't see though.

Day by day, event to event, and as one year turned to two; he stole her identity.

Congratulations! You took a strong willed young lady and drove her to suicide.

You broke her in ways a teenager such as herself shouldn't have been broken.

You took a section of her soul that can never be regained.

You helped start the process to bring a child into this world and laughed when that piece of you died too.

"You would be a terrible mother anyways" Echos five years later.

But in those five years without you, she grew up.

Gone was the seventeen year old girl you threatened.

She was gone, you stole her and she was never coming back.

Because of you, she changed everything about herself.

To be clear; i hate you.

To be honest... hate isn't a strong enough word

Not to describe what you did to me when you rejoiced in a miscarriage after threatening to rip my child from my arms when born.

But because of you i know what pain is.

I know what it's like to be in love with someone who didn't care about me at all.

You shook me, you stole my innocence but i guess it had to go sometimes.

To be clear; i will never not hate you.

But i had to appreciate what you did for my life.

You showed me what it was like to lose a baby.

You cried to manipulate me and then boasted about how you were the victim.

You showed me what it was like to have nothing.

To be isolated form my friends and family.

You showed me what rock bottom was and from that... I learned to survive.

I mourn my child every January and I think little of you.

Because of what you did to me i know what it's like to have you... and i know the difference between manipulation and love.

At seventeen years old i learned valuable lessons about myself which most people wouldn't learn until a few years later.

Because of you i grounded myself and grew up.

I didn't dwell on the petty immaturity because i didn't have effort for it.

I didn't have to go into the world and have my world shaken as a right of passage into adulthood.

To be clear; you are the worst person in the world to me.

But because you broke me, I learned to put myself back together without patchwork from other men.

Because you ruined me i had to rebuild myself.

And after nearing six years i have become the person i never knew i wanted to be.

Without you i don't know where i would be in life. Maybe I would have gone to college and chosen a separate career path. Maybe not.

To be clear, i hate you but i valued the torment you put me through.

I had to build myself back up after you. It took years but i did it and i was shown my strength. Because of you i have a lower tolerance for bullshit.

Because of you i am who i am.

Because of what you did i found myself in the broken pieces and am proud of where i am.

Your opinion of me means nothing to me, i feel nothing positive in my life for you. But i am grateful.

You were an experience and i learned early that not all of them would be positive.

Because of those two and a half years, i have these wonderful things in my life.

After years of effort i set myself free from you. You can hurt me anymore, i know who i am and it's all because you ruined me.

But that's okay.

I can look myself in the mirror and know that while i may have been a little unstable, i never broke you as retaliation.

And that is the greatest accomplishment that i look back on.

You ruined me, but you didn't ruin my life.

To be clear; i hate you.

But i don't care enough about you to let you ruin me now.

I've grown and that is the greatest feeling and best revenge.

So have your petty little drug addicted life and know that you may have awful lies to say about me, but i'm the one that dodged a bullet.

Thank you for breaking me.

Because after repairing myself i'm just who i want to be.