Lonely

     Pale lemon sun chaperones obscurity.

     standing on sidelines watching, while

     others bide time smelling the roses

     but I am unable to unpack

     trappings of my emotional baggage.

     Solitary moon meanders around me

     as I trudge miles in my despair,

     loneliness mutilating my soul.

     Vertigo of night strikes without caring

     as I stumble on precipice with tears

     thrashing my throat in delusions.

Alone

     Whistling alone, I stroll down the street,

     reflections of life flow in silver streams.

     Reaching out to touch damp soothing rain,

     roaming freely from all cares of my world.

     Waking early in morning to ride sunshine,

     tide of inner thoughts in esoteric spirit.

     Feeling the space around me in whispers,

     standing alone in my own footsteps.

     Savoring the taste of enveloping silence,

     breathing deeply to unlock my universe.

     Watching others walking on by, leaving

     me alone in lulling reveries to explore

     blossoming meditations of a dreamer.

I held you so close, so tightly and for so long, I could no longer feel your presence—

You became a part of me; everywhere I went, every thought I carried, each pain we shared together.

But over the decades and decades of human living, I forgot you were there;

and that it was a we stuck in here.

I sought comfort of solitude in escaping, and with each escape denied you ever were; talked myself into my own imagination and your fabrication.

But when I began to crumble you held me deeper.

Though I ignored you as I quickly and quietly broke, I always sensed your noise; my heavy purple cloak;

your hum in my drum of ear, warm pressures of the touch, scents of your energy—never more than a hush.

Dark escapes became my only channel to our memories; the sense, security, and presence of your love.

All you wanted was me,

here with you,

in our complete.

You kept me from drowning that day, and the dog tame while biting my face;

you gathered me up, helped me breathe and refused my blood to drain.

I broke and became your broken chore;

you wanted nothing but for me to recognize, and ignore no more.

With each drink I drank too much, with each hole I caused and piece I cracked,

made was room and I soon awoke.

With new space you came right through to this world where I once had,

and then lost you.

Your loyalty let me see once was our reality;

the once of holding you for air and sight;

your invisible love that pumps all life.

I remember a place elsewhere from here,

no body, no pain, no sun, no alone.

No memories to be forgotten, just a now and here and always, all in one.

I remember that.

And now I know,

And I hope I always do,

That I am a We;

You are a Mind of Mine;

And together;

We are a Whole.

Lonely: when you be among people but feels like you're the only.

Alone: when you be in the bathroom or do things on your own.

Gwen: I am not lonely, okay. I'm just single, but not ready to mingle.

Lyon: Alright, sure. Am glad that you're not lonely, feeling sad or blue. I guess since you've been single for a long time- you are fine being alone.

Gwen: Yes, I am. I've got family and friends to face life with. Even if we may never be together everyday. But at least I know that I'm not alone.

When I sat alone 

I looked around

And observed a darkness so deep

I could not see any shapes or shadows before me.

There were no voices

And no sounds.

The eerie silence

Was very alarming at first.

But then I decided to relax 

So I could listen and look a little closer.

I heard a voice and

Begin to see a small light.

It was nothing I had experienced before.

So I felt I was imagining it.

I decided to follow the dream

And walked toward the light.

I realized the voice was coming

From the light.

The voice was my own

Saying words I did not recognize.

As I got closer I realized

There were no shadows.

But there was a barrier 

Between I and the light.

My voice was telling me

That in order to break the barrier

And free myself

I must get to know myself.

It told me of a wonderful journey

I could take to discover my talents and desires.

That this would happen when

I became intimately aware of my own darkness. 

It invited me to explore

The depths of my inner soul.

It told me I would never

Be lonely again.

For when there is no barrier

There is only balance.

A whole new world opens before me

With unlimited journeys.

There are times standing in a crowded room I have never felt so lonely and needed to run away. Then there are times I have sat alone at the ocean's edge with small waves lapping at my feet, watching sandpipers dig for breakfast, seeing sea lions just beyond the breakers, no one but myself, and never felt more alive. 

Lonely is when even you're surrounded by people you like, you feel like no one is there for you. You can be popular and well liked, but still be lonely. 

Alone is when you are by yourself and no one is there for you. You feel a deep, dark side pit inside of you. 

Lonely is when your life is happy. When your life is bright, but you feel like no one like you or is there for you.

Alone is different than lonely because you are by yourself, but not hidden from the world. You feel different and apart from them.

Lonely and Alone both drive people to insanity. To hurt themselves. To kill themselves. They are different in how they come about, but in the end, they are the same.

I choose to isolate myself

from the rest of this city

in fears that I might pillage it

in my anger and frustration

for no one can understand

the stand of mind I'm in

the strength it takes

to cancel myself out of

this equation that's made.

They choose to isolate themselves

from me for a reason

because they do not understand

my place in this village we share

called life, right here,

the things that I do for them

even in silence

even in desperation

they leave me, all of them,

the "X" variable in

this equation they've made.