I'm done.

I'm sorry.

I give up.

There's no point.

Just

No

Point.

What's the point

In fighting

For who you

Love,

When He

Doesn't

Care

Whether you

Fight or

Not?

What's the point

In staying up late

Missing Him,

Worrying for

And about

Him,

When you're

Not even on

His radar?

What's the point

In giving Him

The reins controlling

Your life,

When he'll just

Drive you into

A deep, dark hole

Without a second thought?

What's the point?

See what

I'm saying?

There is no point.

So sorry, I guess.

I give up.

I'm done.

I surrender with this.

You won.

I used to smile without an effort.

I used to be one of those people

that could smirk in the face of despair.

One of those people who could

make others smile when there

seemed to be nowhere to turn.

"How can you be so bloody happy all the time?"

people would ask me.

"Consider the alternative"

was my stock-standard reply.

I would say that,

never actually contemplating the alternative.

Well, now I feel as though I have no choice

but to be unhappy.

My smile has gone,

too much effort.

Reclusive.

Dead.

When I used to be in the pit

it was never any trouble to climb out.

Sometimes I would struggle

but would always make it out

with barely a puffed breath.

This time is different though.

I am at the bottom of the pit.

It's dark and it's lonely.

I would have thought that if

I ever fell hard there would be a plethora

of hands on the ready

to reach down and help me out.

I’m at the bottom now

It is very deep this time.

At the bottom there seems to be

no hands on the reach.

People seem content to shout from the top.

"What are you doing down there?"

"You silly boy, how could you let that happen?"

"While you're in the pit,

you're making everyone else unhappy up here"

"So stop being so selfish".

I am tired from the beatings.

I cannot climb anymore.

I am weak.

I am giving in.

You people win.

"My wrists are tied

with bloodied rope" I cried

though everyone's near me

they're too self-obsessed to hear me

Everyone, it's been a while now

but you can all smile now

I give again without taking

I will now sleep without waking

As long as everyone else is fine

What does it matter if I whine?

To smile takes every breath of me

My life will be the death of me

I'd lost my way and my desire to fight,

My heart was broken beyond all compare;

You came to find me during darkest night.

You saw a ghostly shell all pale and white,

Wrapped in a dark cocoon of windswept hair;

I'd lost my way and my desire to fight.

I thought my love had fallen from great height,

That I had nothing left that I could share;

You came to find me during darkest night.

Your arms then pulled me from my saddened plight,

And showed me sparks within my heart laid bare;

I'd lost my way and my desire to fight.

I gave myself then to you as I might,

If I walked unafraid in dragon's lair;

You came to find me during darkest night.

My love now mingles with yours as we share,

A life I've given you with none to spare;

I'd lost my way and my desire to fight,

You came to find me during darkest night.

#surrender #challenge #poetry #villanelle

(c) 2017 Miriam Ruff

I cannot dream if I'm always awake but I cannot sleep with the choices I make. So down I go to my kingdom, I'll leave the world behind. Down I go, lost in my own mind.

Only one thing can protect me from pain, the river that flows from the world of the sane. It carries me to my kingdom where, here, I can drown in the falls. Delightfully deafening the sane people's calls.

Once you go down, there's no going back. In my kingdom I'll remain despite the things that I lack.

At times I am lonely. Trapped on my throne. My kingdom is one I must rule all alone. The memories of ones I've left behind are on the other side of a door I'm not eager to find. For the door leads to a place where the fogs rolled away. Where bright colors replace my world of all grey. But I cannot risk being stripped of my crown so I'll stay in my kingdom and sink further down.

Unsteadily

Shaking,

I am a tidal wave.

I look at you,

You and your bucket,

Wondering if you can save us both.

Unsteadily

Shaking,

I engulf you with my wave

And I wonder if you'll sink or swim

And if you swim,

Will it be towards me?

Bullets fly by

angry bees

whose sting kills.

No where to hide

I fold myself around you

an imperfect shield

as I surrender

my fate

to

my love

for you.

Every weekday, work, home, eat, sleep, repeat.

Every weekend, housework, sit around, binge eat, sleep, repeat.

Every Monday, wake up, start the cycle again, repeat.

Until......One day snapping out of it, stopping the hamster wheel, turning around, one last look, shutting the door and walking away with only a backpack.

Every new day, wake up, an adventure, smile, repeat.

Eleven years, that’s the extent of which I’ve given my life to this, to the pursuit of what I can only call satisfaction. At the end of the road, it won’t be joy or fulfillment, simply put it will be the end. Yet with the path I’m forging, not for myself but for the praise of those around me, I have eight grueling years of much harder work remaining. Henceforth, I hereby surrender the the easy road of my eductation. Yet there exists a struggle within me, have I not worked just as hard to make it this far? Yes, I have and I have worked so hard that the young boy who once anxiously ran toward the bus stop and fantasized about curing cancer or explorering Mars is now has late work piled up from his AP courses yet still lacks any motivation to complete it. Instead he listens to sad music and stare blankly at the ceiling only to wake up having once again done none of his work and slowly walks to the bus stop, his mind clouded with thoughts about how his grades will suffer and how he will possibly survive the upcoming day. There does exist a small fraction of motivation in the support of my family and my grandmother who brags about my perfect scores to her friends,yet this motivation falls short as the walls of their expectations build up around me as “the first one in the family who going to go Ivy League” and “ our future doctor.” I really truly don’t want to disappoint them but no matter how hard I’ve tried the work I put in never seems to match the grades I get out of it and it’s so horribly destructive to my self-esteem the I’ve reached my limit. I know someone reading this reading this is probably thinking about how to did more and survived and I honestly applaud you, and I used to go above and beyond as well and a 95 would be a low grade for more. However, the work continues to flow in and I drown in the papers and stress. There are students who I’m smarter than or I can compete with who are excelling above me somehow finding the means to float in the abyss of projects and quizzes. I don’t blame them though, it’s not their fault that I simply can compete with the waves of textbooks barreling towards me. So I sink to the bottom and surrender, building a shell and assuring myself I’ll be fine in the end as long as I help others because I no longer serve a purpose in helping myself