so many rules,

methods, rights

and wrongs

and we wonder

why our words

fail to conjure

the magic

in our hearts.

I never stopped being honest,

I just stopped talking.

I didn't ever start lying,

I just stopped clarifying.

When people tell you that

"Honesty is the best policy,"

They don't tell you how people

Will twist your words into

Angry, hurting fists and drive

Them back at the mouth

That spoke them.

I never stopped being honest,

I just stopped opening up.

I didn't ever start lying,

I just didn't see the need to explain.

Because people form biased opinions

Of what you say, and they

Don't listen to what you

Actually say, just what they want to hear.

So don't point fingers and tell me

What I did or didn't say or

What I did or didn't mean.

I never stopped being honest,

I just stopped trying to be heard.

I didn't ever start lying,

I just learned that when people said,

"Be different," they meant

Be like everyone else.

And if you don't, they label you--

Racist, sexist, bigot, liar, narrowminded, odd...

You can't have your own opinion,

You must share in the opinion

Of everyone else.

I never stopped being honest,

And you shouldn't either.

I didn't start lying,

And neither should you.

I have had my head shoved under

The murky water of other's opinions,

But I would never change, would never

Stop the feelings and the words pouring

Out of my soul. Because that is honesty.

To say something just because others

Want you to say it, is

Lying.

I never stopped being honest,

And I didn't start lying.

And I don't plan on starting

Any time soon.

I've noticed lately

My inner dialogue has sprung a lot of maybes.

Maybe it's because I've been thinking a lot.

Maybe it's a good thing.

Maybe not.

I know it's my job to interpret these thoughts,

To guide them into logical conclusions.

And yet...

Maybe conclusions aren't logical at all.

Maybe it's "maybe"... that keeps my thoughts tall.

Today, I stop wishing

For her to finally see

Her own beauty

And instead

I simply wish

For her to stop believing

She must be beautiful

To be worth something.

In all honesty, i am vain... To a nauseating degree.

I’m so vain that while driving in my car, I use the rear view mirror to stare into my reflection instead of for its intended purpose.

I’m so vain that I value the number on the scale above almost all else. At 16 I picked up a smoking habit with the sole intention of losing weight. A year later, I began, what has become, a 10 year addiction to prescription drugs for the same reason.

I go to the doctor monthly for refills. In anticipation of the routine weigh-in, I wear layers of my thickest articles of clothing and stuff my pockets with heavy items to add weight when I step on the scale. If I didn’t, I’d have to say adios to my maintenance pills.

I’m so vain, it thrills me when asked:

“You’ve lost so much weight, are you ok?”

No.

“Yes, I’m fine.”

The honest truth is I am a self destructive mess. I’m selfish, and oh so vain.

I’d speak the truth but I am, at least, not so dim to know the truth is an obnoxious burden that only I should bare. The truth is an embarrassment to my self involved ego. The truth is- the elation that comes from seeing my bones protrude from my hips, ribs and cheeks, doesn’t compensate for my pathetic depression, loneliness, paranoia.

The truth is I feel ill and exhausted.

But the truth will remain on this sacred page.

The truth is, I am SO vain.

I have no idea why I write. Almost everything I write I feel isn't good enough, no matter how many times I write it. So why do I keep trying? I'll revise and edit so many times, only to be still unsatisfied with me work.

I also have no idea why I started writing... Who knows? Maybe one day I'll write something I'll actually like.

Most of us speak Truth & embellish it.

I, too, tell the Truth, just not all of it...

#SaySomethingHonest #Challenge

<font face="Helvetica" size="3" color="silver">02.05.2018</font>

Honestly, I think about him a lot.

Even though I clearly had a codependency problem

And he was borderline emotionally abusive to me

I think about him very, very often.

And honestly, I miss him.

I blame myself for most of the problems we had.

I often think about how things could’ve worked out if I just wasn’t an idiot.

But even if they could have, I know I have to move on.

The bridge is burned.

Even though, honestly, I regret starting the flame.

i dont think im ok anymore

i used to be a whole

but each day puts more of a chip in me

i used to scoff and say that ill always be fine

but now im not so sure

and im typing this in my bedroom

and if anyone comes in and asks

"what are you doing"

ill respond

"nothing"

and if you ask why there's scratches on my hand

ill make up some excuse like

"my dog scratched me"

and if you ask me if im ok

i will never ever say

"no"

because i dont want to be more

of a burden,

a weight to carry,

than i already am

it used to be so easy

but now even waking up is a battle

and every little jab at me

no matter how well meant

is one more piece in the pile

i dont even understand

i seem to have it all

so why do i want it all

to end?