by the book
so many rules,
methods, rights
and wrongs
and we wonder
why our words
fail to conjure
the magic
in our hearts.
I Never Stopped Being Honest
I never stopped being honest,
I just stopped talking.
I didn't ever start lying,
I just stopped clarifying.
When people tell you that
"Honesty is the best policy,"
They don't tell you how people
Will twist your words into
Angry, hurting fists and drive
Them back at the mouth
That spoke them.
I never stopped being honest,
I just stopped opening up.
I didn't ever start lying,
I just didn't see the need to explain.
Because people form biased opinions
Of what you say, and they
Don't listen to what you
Actually say, just what they want to hear.
So don't point fingers and tell me
What I did or didn't say or
What I did or didn't mean.
I never stopped being honest,
I just stopped trying to be heard.
I didn't ever start lying,
I just learned that when people said,
"Be different," they meant
Be like everyone else.
And if you don't, they label you--
Racist, sexist, bigot, liar, narrowminded, odd...
You can't have your own opinion,
You must share in the opinion
Of everyone else.
I never stopped being honest,
And you shouldn't either.
I didn't start lying,
And neither should you.
I have had my head shoved under
The murky water of other's opinions,
But I would never change, would never
Stop the feelings and the words pouring
Out of my soul. Because that is honesty.
To say something just because others
Want you to say it, is
Lying.
I never stopped being honest,
And I didn't start lying.
And I don't plan on starting
Any time soon.
Maybe
I've noticed lately
My inner dialogue has sprung a lot of maybes.
Maybe it's because I've been thinking a lot.
Maybe it's a good thing.
Maybe not.
I know it's my job to interpret these thoughts,
To guide them into logical conclusions.
And yet...
Maybe conclusions aren't logical at all.
Maybe it's "maybe"... that keeps my thoughts tall.
I’m Afraid
Something honest? Here's something honest: I'm afraid I'll never be enough for someone to want to stick around with me.
Sunflower Spirit
Today, I stop wishing
For her to finally see
Her own beauty
And instead
I simply wish
For her to stop believing
She must be beautiful
To be worth something.
I’m so vain
In all honesty, i am vain... To a nauseating degree.
I’m so vain that while driving in my car, I use the rear view mirror to stare into my reflection instead of for its intended purpose.
I’m so vain that I value the number on the scale above almost all else. At 16 I picked up a smoking habit with the sole intention of losing weight. A year later, I began, what has become, a 10 year addiction to prescription drugs for the same reason.
I go to the doctor monthly for refills. In anticipation of the routine weigh-in, I wear layers of my thickest articles of clothing and stuff my pockets with heavy items to add weight when I step on the scale. If I didn’t, I’d have to say adios to my maintenance pills.
I’m so vain, it thrills me when asked:
“You’ve lost so much weight, are you ok?”
No.
“Yes, I’m fine.”
The honest truth is I am a self destructive mess. I’m selfish, and oh so vain.
I’d speak the truth but I am, at least, not so dim to know the truth is an obnoxious burden that only I should bare. The truth is an embarrassment to my self involved ego. The truth is- the elation that comes from seeing my bones protrude from my hips, ribs and cheeks, doesn’t compensate for my pathetic depression, loneliness, paranoia.
The truth is I feel ill and exhausted.
But the truth will remain on this sacred page.
The truth is, I am SO vain.
No Idea
I have no idea why I write. Almost everything I write I feel isn't good enough, no matter how many times I write it. So why do I keep trying? I'll revise and edit so many times, only to be still unsatisfied with me work.
I also have no idea why I started writing... Who knows? Maybe one day I'll write something I'll actually like.
Honest Brokers
Most of us speak Truth & embellish it.
I, too, tell the Truth, just not all of it...
#SaySomethingHonest #Challenge
<font face="Helvetica" size="3" color="silver">02.05.2018</font>
Honestly.
Honestly, I think about him a lot.
Even though I clearly had a codependency problem
And he was borderline emotionally abusive to me
I think about him very, very often.
And honestly, I miss him.
I blame myself for most of the problems we had.
I often think about how things could’ve worked out if I just wasn’t an idiot.
But even if they could have, I know I have to move on.
The bridge is burned.
Even though, honestly, I regret starting the flame.
anymore
i dont think im ok anymore
i used to be a whole
but each day puts more of a chip in me
i used to scoff and say that ill always be fine
but now im not so sure
and im typing this in my bedroom
and if anyone comes in and asks
"what are you doing"
ill respond
"nothing"
and if you ask why there's scratches on my hand
ill make up some excuse like
"my dog scratched me"
and if you ask me if im ok
i will never ever say
"no"
because i dont want to be more
of a burden,
a weight to carry,
than i already am
it used to be so easy
but now even waking up is a battle
and every little jab at me
no matter how well meant
is one more piece in the pile
i dont even understand
i seem to have it all
so why do i want it all
to end?