It’s safe to say I feel better when I’m around you. I feel like nothing matters and I’m just… happy. I really don’t think about the repercussions of my actions on myself or others. I laugh and flirt and be truly and completely me. That doesn’t happen very often. I hope you know how special that makes you.

It’s safe to say we don’t make our friends happy. I feel like everyone wants you, and I can’t blame them. I feel incredibly lucky that you chose me. At first, them flirting with you and trying to be around you didn’t bother me at all. I can promise that is a true statement. Yes, I noticed it when they went out of their way to talk to and spend time with you. Yes, I noticed when you were leaning on that table talking to me and one of them went over and stood a little too close. It really didn’t bother me at first. I didn’t have to remind myself that I’m your girlfriend and even though you could have had them, you didn’t. I was yours and you were mine and it didn’t matter that they had no problem trying to come between us.

It’s safe to say I’m not really sure if this is true anymore. Am I the one you really want? I’m not stupid. I hear the way you talk to her. She makes you laugh, she makes you happy. I feel like I don’t do that for you anymore. I don’t know the reason, but that’s what it feels like. Just last week you whispered in my ear, “I don’t care what you’re mother thinks, I’m glad I’m with you.” I believed you. I don’t understand what it is you want. You told me you didn’t regret anything and you were glad you asked me to be yours. How do I know what is true anymore? I’ve noticed how fast you get online when she’s on, and how sometimes when I’m there, you don’t even bother to show up even when I know you aren't doing anything. When she was standing too close to you, she said, “Sorry, I hope this is ok.” Do you remember what you said back? Without wasting a second on thinking, you said, “Yeah it’s fine.” I could swear I even saw you move closer after that. I was standing right in front of you. Do you think I couldn’t see or hear? Do you think I’m ok with you flirting with my friends?

I always promised myself that I would never turn into the girl who gets annoyed at everything and everyone hates to be around. I’ve tried my whole life to be the girl who’s up for anything, who isn’t uptight. I never wanted to be the girlfriend who needs to know where you are and who you’re with every second of the day, but I’m afraid that otherwise, you may do something that cannot be forgiven. I always tried to trust you. I ignored them when they said that I would regret saying yes to you. I honestly just thought they were jealous. I think I owe them all an apology. I believed everything you told me. I thought I was the one you wanted, I mean, how could I not be when you had all these options and chose me? I don’t know what is going on, but if someone doesn’t decide that I deserve to know and tell me soon, I don’t think I can keep going on like this. I am literally falling apart because of this. I thought having you was supposed to make everything easier. I thought I would finally have someone that would listen to me and help me with everything, but instead, I got someone who makes all my friends hate me and makes everything more complicated in general. Just tell me the truth. I’m done with people hiding things from me that involve me.

I do not remember you as much as I wish I do. It was a long time ago. Maybe 3 or 4 summers ago? You really confuse me. Was it just an overreation of my 12 or 11 year old imagination? Do you remember me? I am sorry for these questions. I just need to know. I still remember that day when we sailed alone and I learned how to fly a spinaker. It was fun and I miss you. I do not understand why. Why do I miss you? There could never be a we, in fact, I scold myself everytime this pops into my head. But that does not stop it from doing so. I cannot decide if it was your personality, looks, actions, or attitude. Maybe it was just you in general, your perfect smile, hair, eyes. I am sorry. This is weird. I do not even know you that well and my mind likes to play tricks. Remember when I saw you at the fancy dinner when I got an award? Probably not. But I was there and I noticed you. We made eye contact and it almost killed me. I did not even know I was getting an award. If you remember this night did you see how nervous I was when I received my award? I was shaking and hoped I did not hold it upside down for the picture. You were the main reason I was so nervous. I should not have been so worried and shocked. I should not have any feelings toward you. But yet I do. Why? I do not know. I do know that I miss you and would like to see you again even just to say a proper goodbye. I was sad when you did not show up the next summer, and I felt worse when I realized you never said goodbye. I know you did not need to and that there was no reason to, but I still felt a little empty and broken. I think I am getting over you, maybe some closure will help. You confuse me so much, and for no reason. I hope you are doing well and are happy. That is all I want. Your happiness and others happiness. I am so sorry. Goodbye.

Oh how you hurt my feelings

You tried to take from me

With your hurtful dealings

My sense of dignity

At first I thought you were the cause

Of making me feel small

You bit me with your toothy jaws

You burned me with fireball

I can’t deny your wrong assault

I can’t forget the pain

Your vicious sins are not my fault

My nature I restrain

I will not live with hatred

Or vengeance in my soul

I give forgiveness sacred

Of this you can’t control

Even though you haven’t asked

From me exoneration

For your actions in the past

My heart feels less frustration

May be you’re a child who’s lost

You haven't grown up yet

I pray you’ll understand the cost

That paid for all our debt.

We were the best of friends.

We were.

But no longer.

Time has separated us. We are very different from one another, but always were. Now however, we are not able to cross that gap. It’s been three years since I've had a real conversation with you. You have changed so much and so have I. I do not think that we can ever go back to the way that things were.

Not since you’ve confessed.

It has changed our entire dynamic and I wish it hadn’t. I know you've thought of me like this for a long time, but now I hope that you can move on and forget about me.

I’ve caused you too much suffering and I want you to find that someone who will make you fall in love. The someone who will be there for you. Someone who you have more in common with. Someone that you can have a real conversation with.

Go out there and find someone else.

You deserve someone who understands you.

We all do, and that someone for you, is not me.

Till we meet again,

JPerry