Cast Off Your Crutches
Euphoria courses
through flesh,
crutches of ecstacy
molten flow,
touches
of soft lust,
essence won’t sustain -
you must
breathe alone,
humbly trodding
life once more,
find who you are
hidden
under folds of being,
opening your soul
to joy within.
I Nightcrawler
It’s the vacant streets, the hurried feet
Street lights polish quiet terror.
Like beacons I crowd under.
The closest thing to sanity I have
Black water roots like fingers,
Across a mired mind
Uncertainty sewn on swollen feet
Misery with no company,
Pacing endlessly
If everything we see is light?
Oh my shadow,
Why you haunt me at night?
The things that held me together
When I was young,
A little shit I was.
Digging for gold
Inside my nose
and watching silly cartoons.
Later it was girls
in filthy magazines,
And what I could do about it,
’Cause the real variety
Would sooner spit.
Later it was jazz and booze
And pissing off the old folks.
I excelled in that.
Then just running my brain
In idle mode, thinking intellectually.
Boring others with dust and steam
That I could juggle and spout.
And writing, held me strong as well,
I must admit , it does much now.
But over all , what keeps me running,
As I look for future, tense,
Is you, who I worship,
Who make me cry and smile.
Love can be a sin
i never knew
love could be an addiction
i never knew
that i could be addicted to someone
i never knew
my desire for attention
until he gave it to me.
i never knew
i was suffocating him
i never knew
that he didn't feel the same way
i never knew
how much i was making him hate me
until he did.
i never knew
what withdrawal was
i never knew
he would turn my insides out
i never knew
what depression was
until he put me in it
and now i cant get out
Blind Judgement
We all need a crutch
because
we all are broken
most in invisible ways
so only the crutches show
and people judge us as weak
but without CAT scan eyes are blind
to amazement
that with so many multiple breaks and maladies
that we are up and walking among you
even with our crutches
on full display
animal
Looking, using
trying to find,
that perfect substance
to quiet the mind.
Gnawing and clawing
inside of your skull;
like an animal, when hungry
it feeds on your soul.
This monster's not quiet
each time you comply it gets louder
it likes when your high and
you better not try to
deny it.
"you'll die, kid".
---------------------------
All the while the animal grows
you feed it,
it knows.
And your mind, it corrodes,
it's progressive, it shows
no sign of it slowing
it's constantly shouting of
need and it's growing
louder,
and you collapse under the weight when it's done.
Not easy to please
The fire burns me and yet I’m enjoying the flames.
Your coldness freezes me and yet I lie in then snow, waiting for my lungs to freeze.
The phone rings and it’s you. I drive miles to see you, to feel you and yet you just can’t wait to be inside me, to criticize me.
The moment I walk away will be the first day that I can release you and not feel you.
I thought I needed you, but all along you needed me!
I need to love me.
Cigarettes
I'm done
I can't do this anymore
I'm tired of the coughing
I'm tired of the chills
I'm tired of stepping out
How many times will I do this?
Run to the gas station
Spend what money I have
For a box that won't last the day
No more
I promised my daughter that I quit
She took a lighter a box of cigs
But as I'm leaving for work I smell them
That sweet
Disgusting
Smell of cigarettes
My hand searching for the box
My mind racing with thoughts
Just want one more
Only one
One more wont hurt
Pain is Real
Pain is the one thing that is real,
the one thing that I feel,
when everything else is dark and empty.
Those thin red lines on my wrists are not
scars of an addiction, or
scars of coping.
They are scars of feeling,
scars to rid myself of the numbness
inside
When I tear my skin off it's not
because I have to.
It's because I want to.
I want that pain again
and again and again and again.
Just let me carve one more line
or two.
I can
I can control my urge, just not right now
I can figure things out and take a vow
I can change but I just haven’t made the time
I can sleep tonight, won’t affect my bedtime
I can function just like everyone else can
I can be back on track tomorrow, my man
I can -but ok I really won’t -that’s a fact
I can admit control's something I’ve lacked
I can cry and pray but only one thing’s clear
I can - must- seek help to face my darkest fear