Spending nights with my pillow

Soaking it with tears and sorrow

Staring at myself for hours

Trying to heal all the invisible scars

Letting my heart cry out

Silencing my unheard shout

Hiding the tears behind my eyes

Faking a smile to cover my lies

Waking up every morning, without having slept

Remembering the secrets I have kept

Going around all day as if it’s fine

Laughing those laughs which are never really mine

Hanging with people who don’t really care

Yes, so many people but this pain no would share

I’m feeling so much that I feel empty

Surrounded by people, but from the heart there is no one I can see

Walking back home with a broken heart

Wishing an end for this story that start

And reaching back, with a thousand things to say

But everyone has already walked away

I looked around

I wanted to disappear, but actually I wanted to be found

And then again, curling up in bed, hoping my heart, never again beats

But this pain never goes, this pain just repeats

But, now again, the nights are here to hear me screams

And the mirrors waiting to steal my dreams

The pillow is ready to be drowned

And the scars are waiting to be found

The pain is waiting to roll down my cheeks

And then come out as shrieks

But who dose care; no one is here to see

No one to notice what loneliness dose to me

Solitude is bliss, but loneliness a curse

Cause solitude comes from self and loneliness from others

And they say to live you need water, food and air

But ask my murdered heart who has got everything but love and care

Loneliness doesn’t really have a colour; it’s like a black hole inside

Or perhaps a place where I could hide

Don’t say you were there, because you left me alone

Don’t say you brought tape, because my heart was still torn

My heart that is broke now can’t be made

The smiles that covered the pain, have started to fade

You’ll not know how I’m being killed from inside

You’ll not know how many tears I’ve cried

You won’t know how bad you hurt me

I’ll never let you know I’m lonely

It’s not my fault you didn’t hear my cries

If only you would have read my eyes.

But I’m never alone, I’m just lonely

Cause loneliness is always with me.

I shuffle

down forsaken road

of bruised loneliness

between screaming voices

in the distance.

Distress washes

naked skin

shadowy grey figures

hover

just out of reach

I yearn

for a tomorrow

of lifting clouds

searching

for a connection

but all

I stumble upon

are vapors

of imagination.

Nothing lingers

but aloneness.

My soul feels empty

My metaphorical heart is wrenched from me

No words

No feelings

Nothing.

There's a weakness

Throughout my body

And spirit.

Drained.

Emotion sucked from me.

Not alone.

But lonely.

As you sit punching virtual buttons for virtual friends.

No conversation

Or sensation.

Just emptiness and a certainty that you won't leave me,

That leaves me lonely.

Loneliness is the color of the ocean, a deep, sad blue, gnawing at you from the inside like a virus you can do nothing to stop until it consumes you whole. You think you’ve escaped, found some real friends, but in the end, it’s always there, a twinge in the back of your mind. Loneliness is when no one understands you, when no one cares, nobody to relate to you, when you stand among so many people yet none of them truly get it. It’s when all anyone can focus on is their own problems, how they forget you and say your issues are small in comparison, thus not worth the time to fix, because nothing can fix you, to them you are nothing, nothing but a loser who deserves what she got. You want desperately to join those people who keep rejecting you, but maybe it's your pride holding you back, because you know that regardless of what you do, trying to fit in is fighting an uphill battle that will always end with you alone.

an inexplainable grasp

takes it's hold

on my heart;

a hand,

holding what's left

of my sanity;

it squeezes

until

the last

little

bit

of love

is gone;

and all I am left with

is memories

of what you felt like.

Gray is the day that breaks me out of my Glass Ball existence – breaking, shattering irrevocably the transparent walls that have kept me safe, kept me isolated, kept me whole.

Broken, yet finally aware, I wake up and sort myself out from the shards of my former life. I can’t go back now – can’t put the pieces back together, for they would never hold me now.

I step out, shaking and trembling, as the very filaments of my being for the first time begin to feel what it IS to feel.

I step. I falter. I fall...

Bruised, but determined, I get back up, press on and test my newborn legs.

A thrill of change ripples through me – a river of incongruency and imperfection that in its flaws achieves a beauty far superior to my Glass Ball life.

Yet it brings with it a tinge, a cringe, a twinge of a pain that hides its face and refuses to be named.

Am I lonely? Do I miss my Glass Ball life?

These feelings are new to me, too pristine for me to know how to understand them.

Before, everything was black and white, day and night, darkness and light.

And now?

Now, I don’t know good from bad, glad from sad, sad from mad.

But now I can feel… something.

I have no name for it yet, but it is finally, imperfectly and yet perfectly real.

#lonliness #rebirth #escape

......

My soul does not know loneliness; in solitary times, I dream. Since I was A young child, I’ve treasured hours unseen. Hidden beneath the shrubbery, I’d visualize junGles lush. Explorations led by me; my enemies I’d crush. Never wanted, never needed, never wished for more. PrEcious time for thoughts and me; imagiNings explored. Loving fanciful lonely times, always, Then and now. My color for strength and creativity? To wild mAgenta, I bow.

......

(Loneliness Acrostic)

Low lantern light; long shadows

On the tent of loneliness.

Near a waning fire;

Eerie eve’s envelopment.

Loop of swarming silence

Infestates mind’s forest floor;

Nocturnal navigates my soul —

Echoes coal cavern core.

Serenading sonnets sought to

soothe my solemn fate.

Solitude soon stakes its claim

and weighs heart’s saddened

state.

Blue

Everywhere I look

Surrounded by people, yet so alone

No one talks to me

They avoid me at all costs

Like I have a contagious disease

I’m falling fast into a dark abyss

Blue

In the family room we sit on a warm brown couch,

Christmas heat nearly singeing still-green needles,

in a house where the rooms are always too cold

for grandparents, frail and loved.

I am listening as Uncle Bill brags about

Danny and Model UN, Noah and AP Chemistry,

Mom asks someone to pass a slice of pie, please,

Gran Rie compliments Aunt Maureen on the nice chardonnay,

and I am listening to love, love glowing out

of warm swirling ornaments, and I want more than anything

to stuff them into my mouth, their joy and their color,

I want to swallow them shard by effervescent shard,

jaw crunching up down bone china teeth cutting into

leaden silver glass and gluey sparkles,

a mortal metallic rhapsody.

I want to feel warm crimson trickle into pink gums and

in the cracks between my teeth,

down my tongue down the ruby throat

that doesn’t feel like my own.

I want something alien to strangle silence,

to mutilate me into a breathtaking empathic and

instead I sit in that stifling family

room mute, smiling and furious

at those innocent hollow globes that will not transform me,

that will climb back blameless into quiet cardboard boxes,

and at the end of the evening I will shatter one on the floor

by accident.