To the man who caught my heart,
I was so damaged: in and out. I was full of fears and scars. I used to be hard-hearted, not just hard-headed. I pushed away people, built the tallest wall and exclude happiness as an emotion. And so I became the scariest demon. ’Til you came.
You came out of nowhere and showed me your kindness like a sword stabbing me multiple times. I don’t like the way you act like this world isn’t cruel at all. I don’t like the way you smile like people aren’t demons. I don’t like your positivity about everything like there’s nothing to be mad, sad, or whatso. Then one day, we had this heart-to-heart talk. You shared your past. You shared your painful, tragic story. That one day, I saw something. I realized something: I was blind, numb and dumb. I was blind for not looking for the bright side, numb for not feeling luckier than you, and dumb for not knowing the truth about what life is. You had all the reasons and chances to prove everyone that this world isn’t fair, yet you managed to be fine. You were dying inside, yet still managed to shine, just like the stars when the night came out. You had all the proofs you needed to just stop living, but you fought back. You came out of nowhere, shared everything, like you knew me for so long. Like we knew each other long time ago, and just continuing what we had started. And by that, I thanked you. Not just for sharing what you have. I thanked you for saving me and my heart.
Now that the darkness is starting to reign over you, I promise to be your light. Now that giving up is your only choice, I promise to lift you up. Now that you are starting to get tired of everything, I promise to be by your side whatever it takes until you fight back once again and realize why you started this battle. Your battle is my battle. I may not be your sword, which can destroy all your worries and failures. But I promise to be your shield that will protect you against all odds. Tell me all of your negativities in life, and I’ll tell you how beautiful your soul is. And by the way, you don’t have to be a knight in shining armor because I’ll be the one who will save you.
Take this note from a risk-taker: I do break rules, I always do that. But never the promises. Promises aren’t meant to be broken. Promises are meant to be kept, and so are you. Wait and see, just go and proceed. I will always be here. By your side, behind your back, anywhere and everywhere.
I will save you.
#writealetter #ToTheManWhoCaughtMyHeart #fiction #prose #story #flashfiction #romance
To: hurt. To: pain. To: me. To: you.
I know it's abrupt, but I do know you need to hear this. Just hear me through.
Why did you think you ever had a chance at changing their minds? Why were you so set on making sure you were liked? Why were you always so worried when small things didn’t go the way you expected it to?
I know I wasn’t clear before, but I will be now.
It’s because you’re afraid of being hurt. Again. And I know the things you’ve been through are horrible, because yes, right now, your life is literal hell. It may not be for the conventional reasons, but to you, it’t the worst thing in the world and you want it to end. I don’t blame you. I really don’t. There are things you’ve been through that are just unthinkable, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. Those nights you fell asleep crying in your bed, thoughts torturing you relentlessly. Those nights that you went to sleep with one thought in your mind: “I don’t want to wake up again.” Those nights that you felt so utterly alone, bringing on sobs that wracked your body until exhaustion became your reprieve. Days bringing nothing but sorrow and more pain. Feeling so numb to the world and like you have no control over your life. I know how it feels, and I’m so sorry.
Believe me, if I could take away the hurt, the pain, I would.
But that’s not the reality of the situation. It might seem like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, that there’s no way out of this hell. I can tell you there is, because I know some things.
You are strong. Going through this crap every single day and waking up the next itself says that you were strong enough to keep going.
You are brave. Believe me, you are. I can’t convince you of everything, but know that what you’ve accomplished just by reading this is more than I could have ever asked for. You can do this. You can.
You are beautiful. Don’t ever doubt that. Let me just put it this way: if you were a character in a book, I’d love you for every single quirk, habit, and feature of your being.
And finally, you are loved. I can’t say by whom, but know there’s a whole universe out there that loves and accepts you. They’ll be there for you when you're at your lowest. And I know words can't do justice to what they can do when you just can't seem to find a will to keep going. But I know something else too. I know they’ll be your light, the cause of your euphoria, and every time your heart beats, you won’t have to think, not even for a second, about how much these people in your world love you, even if they don’t, or can't, tell you.
You mean the world to someone.
“I want you to be your light, baby, you should be your light. So you won’t hurt anymore, so you can smile more.”
Those lines are from a song that I hold close to my heart. It holds true for us all. Please be your own happiness. Please be true to yourself. Please love yourself and accept yourself for everything that makes you you. And when times get hard, remember that there's always someone who believes in you, and that "you deserve to be loved."
“Dawn will come to the darkest of nights.”
You’ll be ok. I promise.
Message In A Bottle
beyond my eyes.
long lost at sea,
’cross the tide pool,
from my heart,
silt and sediment
reveal: sand - raked,
p o e t i c
From, A fetus who doesn’t want to see the outer world.
A girl child is in bondage from her birth. First by her parents, then her husband and finally by her own children. Not just this, she is often condemned to death even before she is born.
You need to understand one thing. I'm not just a fetus. After I step into the outer world ,will I not be your daughter? Why is it that you assume that I can never bring a smile on your face ?
I'm not just a ball of flesh and blood. I have an identity. The medicine you take in are killing me. The medicines that should give life seem to be taking away mine.
Though there is a less probability for the fact that will I step into your hell, you will still find ways to suppress me. As soon as you know that I'm a girl, you throw me into a dustbin. Like seriously?
The thing that has evolved from your sperm and egg is equivalent to garbage ?
In case, I don't have to go through all these and my parents are pretty broad minded, we have our society to brainwash them about the perks of having a son. I'm forced to live a life of restrictions and no happiness. I'm blamed for everything and the only reason is that, I'm a girl and boys don't commit a mistake. I'm raped, it's my mistake again. You think I enjoyed it right ?
Even if I take all the courage to step into the courtroom, I will not get justice. If I do, it will be a decade after my death.
A girl is not inferior to boy, in any field and she have proved it in every aspect of life .
I can be a mother, wife, daughter, sister, etc.
But most importantly, I am a human just like you. My feelings hurt. My heart aches. Your words in my head and knives in my heart, kill me every second. I'm not your plaything. I'm not a toy. If you fall down, you bleed. That bleeding is pure. But the same blood , which is the sole reason for your existence, is impure. But you know what, I'll bleed. Bleed with pride. In those 5 days, I bleed, I scream and I cry. I feel lonely. When I see you approaching me, I'm shattered. Shattered, listening to the restrictions you impose on me. A rapist and a murderer is let into the temple but I'm not. Aren't there female Gods ? Tagged impure, I'm let with a question in my mind - "Are these the golden words written in my destiny ?"
You marry me to a stranger at an younger age because you fear my Virginity. You wait till I become a teen, so that you can throw the burden, you gave birth to.
He kills me every night, but I'm reborn the very next day. Infact I have to. I'm a pleasure box right ? 24*7 available. You can play with my body whenever you desire.
I'm neither safe before marriage nor after marriage. I walk bare foot and give my child sneakers to wear, but in the end, I have to die like an orphan on the busy road with no one giving an eff about a rag picker's death. Sorry.. Sorry.. A girl shouldn't swear right?
Whenever I think everything will be fine, you hit me and bring me back to reality. The bitter reality. Yet, my heart tries to find something better in that, hoping something good will happen, Atleast for a while.
So, Tell me. Shouldn't I thank you for killing me in my mom's womb ?
Before birth, I'm in darkness. But Atleast, I feel safe and secure.
A fetus who doesn't want to see the outer world.
#fetus #feminism #competition #prose #letter #girl #love #life #pain
Letter to the Universe
It was the morning of yet another day. Dressed in my garden work clothes, no makeup and hair pulled back in a ponytail I sat drinking my fruit smoothie in the garden. Shortly thereafter my husband joined me with his coffee. We sat sharing a few minutes of morning silence and then, out of the blue, he looked at me and said "You KNOW how much I love you". Well, blame it on my big Sagittarian mouth and a tendency to speak before thinking but I casually blurted out "not really". I could see he was surprised but as I was preparing to trim the trees and bushes my mind was preoccupied. And so, I stood up and began my work.
While trimming, I thought to myself..."this man's timing is SO off but nonetheless, he does love me". During the days that followed, I found myself reflecting on just how different from most he really is. Completely unconventional, unpredictable, perplexing, intelligent, hilarious, oblivious, introverted, surprisingly sentimental, and, all too often, completely lost in his own world of thought. In retrospect, I realize how much it is those same characteristics along with his smile that attracted me to him in the first place. Honestly speaking, a nice, easy-going, predictable guy would never have captured my attention as I enjoy a good challenge. The point I want to make is that it is so easy to forget why we love someone especially after thirty years of marriage and so, I am grateful for the opportunity to reflect.
My husband is a gifted artist in every essence of the word and he fills my world with color and form! My greatest joy is watching him create! Time and time again, I am a witness to his creativity and can say with certainty that his mind takes him to places that most of us will never understand. He is in no way ordinary and not interested in trivial matters of day to day life. Sometimes, after so many years together, I forget that about him. He can be difficult, distant, challenging and self indulgent to a fault. Yet, within a moments time he can change all that and say something with such innocence and sincerity that I cannot help but love him.
Life is a roller coaster ride taking us up and down and sometimes leaving us a bit dizzy, and still, there in the midst of it all my husband said he loved me and for no apparent reason other than he wanted me to know. He is my soulmate for better or worse; he is my light in a sometimes very dark world. I will never love another as I love him.
I thank you for bringing us together and giving me the opportunity to love and to be loved.
No, this time, I’m not drunk or high. I’m not fighting to get you off my mind. I’ve chosen to accept myself before writing to you, because I know I needed this time and space to bury our memories in the garden and see what grows.
Like little ships signaling at sea, we’d wave flags to show warnings. You told me you cared too much about getting people to like you, but I wasn’t lying when I said I tried my best to hate you. I had seen this before, and I asked myself why everyone bathes love at first sight in an illustrius light when there are so many mental speed-bumps, fences, and abrupt brick walls. At least, for me. Of course I had to observe you from a distance -- this was a dangerous pursuit after all. My daddy raised me to believe love and pain were two sides of the same coin. Maybe he lifted me by my neck when I had trouble counting these coins to keep me from questioning it. He didn’t know that the pain of not understanding was more intense. My thoughts grew legs and started feasting on my incapacity to cross the boundaries of strangeness. I lacked the courage to be seen and heard. If the people who claimed to love me could nearly kill me, what would someone irreverent do?
So, no, I didn’t want to be right about my own feelings, or to change my mind about wanting to stay your friend. You know yourself that you appeased me more often than you should, and if you knew me at all you’d understand I would have fought my feelings until the end... if I didn’t see you falter. Mostly, this is an apology for invading your privacy and for volenteering my vurnerability. I didn’t realize my psychoanalyses were indications of a psycho at work, and that every time I mirrored your ability to share yourself with the world, I exposed only the parts of myself I was ashamed of. I wish I could have been better to you, firmly as a friend or as a partner, and was there for you to lean on when everything was falling apart. Even though I won’t ever see you, I'll carry you in my pocket. Right next to my spare change.
-Your best friend.
I don't know how to start this letter so I guess I'll just tell you this- I miss you. It hasn't been long since you've been gone, a week and a half on the dot but it seems like I'm -we- are never going to get through this. I know we will though. That's what everyone's been telling me. "It gets better soon."
I heard someone say just a day or so ago that some people aren't here for a lifetime but rather a lesson. And for you, I feel like that is the case. I don't understand why God didn't allow you to stay for a life time and I don't really need to I guess. But you did teach me many lessons in your twenty years.
The first lesson I can remember you teaching me is that I don't need to change who I am for other people. I was only five or six at the time and it has taken many years for this to sink in, but I still remember it clearly. It was a Sunday afternoon and we had just finished lunch. We had been to church earlier that morning like we'd always done. There was a boy there around my age and I liked him. And I wanted to look pretty for him. Now, I was only five or six and not old enough to wear makeup or really have any say in what I wore to church but my soul did I put that lip gloss on. So, we were sitting at the dinner table and Mom breached the subject of my glossy lips. You looked at me, a hint of understanding in your eyes, and I don't really rememeber exactly what you said, but you said something along the lines of, "You don't need lip gloss to make you pretty. And he should like you for the way you are."
The next lesson you taught me was probably when I was eight or nine. There are a lot of memories from these years and it hurts my soul to reminisce about them. But you were teaching me how to play football. I was on your team. It was you and me against Timothy and Abby, our siblings. It was our turn at defense and so far, they had already managed to get the ball twice. You put a hand on my back and turned me away from the enemey so they couldn't hear what you were saying. You hand gripped my shoulder as you whispered in my ear. "You gotta stick to them like white on rice. Like glue." I remeber looking into your eyes and smiling, understanding what you were saying. "Play the ball, not the player." You continued. I nodded and you patted me on the back, practically pushing me back onto the field.
The ball was hutted and I stuck to my man like glue, playing the ball not the player. I never once took my eyes off the ball. The ball was thrown and I reached out, extending my small self and even coming off the ground a little. My small hands grabebd the ball and I caught it, landing back on my feet.
"Interception!!" you announced triumphantly, throwing your hands up in the air. You motioned for me to high five you so I did, joy overflowing my spirit. You told me good job and I laughed out loud, so excited that my older brother was proud of me.
You taught me piano for two years and I absoloutly hated your teaching style. You always seemed to yell at me when I messed up and then Mom and Dad would pay you ten dollars for those twenty minutes of torture. For me, it didn't make sense. Now, looking back on it, if you hadn't of yelled at me as much as you did, I probably wouldn't be as good at the piano as I am now.
I remember going out into our front yard at night and catching lightning bugs and putting them all in one jar, watching them light up and flicker like Christmas lights. We let them go before going back inside and they flew out of the jar like an stars in the galaxy. Some of them were slower to go and I watched as you poked at them, trying to get them to leave the mason jar. We ended up leaving the jar outside all night so they could leave it.
I have many memories with you, Ryan. I remeber going to swim at a friends pool and taking selfies in the back seat. I remember going down a water slide with you because I was too scared too. I remember sledding down a hill with you, and Kyle and wrecking at the bottom. I remember flipping a fourwheeler with you and a friend on the back. I remember you tackling the dog as we played fetch in the field next to our house. I remember you.
There are two memories I have of you recently. The first was at our oldest brother's college graduation. We were to have a party at Pizza Hut afterwards but I didn't want to ride with Mom and Dad. I wanted to ride with you in your car. But... your car only sat five people and there were six of us. But we figured it out. You would be the driver, your girlfriend would sit in the side seat, her friend on her lap, I would be in the back in the middle seat, Timothy -our brother- would be on my right, and Mitch, an 'adopted' brother, would be on my left. Airsoft and BB guns had always played a big roll in our childhood and you just so happened to have four or five of the guns in the back of your car. Timothy discovered them and called Mitch over to see them. And as soon as Mitch saw them, a plan was made. Mitch and Tim were both in the back, both by windows. Both would have guns loaded with ammunition. It was dark so people couldn't see as well and the idea was that Timothy and Mitch would nail the cars as we drove by them or them by us in certain situations. So, we started down the highway, guns readied.
Every shot that was fired, I laughed my head off, the sound of the plastic BB's dinging into the side of the cars. Mitch handed the gun to me and I promptly handed it back to him, not wanting to be in trouble if our parent's found out. We arrived at Pizza Hut and all six of us piled out of the car, laughing out heads off. You shut the door of your car and we quickly headed inside so the elderly couple getting out of their car couldn't see that there were six people piled in a little Pontiac.
The second memory is when you were up over spring break. You and I shared a room as I had to give up my bed for your girlfriend. You were on the top bunk and I was on the bottom. You asked me about my books and I started to talk, to explain it to you. You were impressed and asked questions about the villians, the main characters and their emeotions, and even asked if two of the characters would end up together. You told me you shipped them and then fell asleep as I talked about another book idea. I didn't know you were asleep until I asked you a question and you didn't answer. For a minute or two, I waited in silence, realizing that I had talked you to sleep. You woke up suddenly and asked why I'd stopped talking, apolgizing for falling asleep.
You were a good friend, brother, and role model and it just seems wrong to be living on without you. I know God had a reason when He took you home but for some reason, I feel like I will never know it. If you hadn't been my older brother, I don't think I would be the person I am today. I wouln't be writing book either as you werer one of the few who encouraged me to do so. You promised that you would read my books when I finished them. You'll never get to keep that promise but I promise to never forget you. And I am going to keep that one.
Some people aren't here for a lifetime but rather for a lesson. And you've taught me many. Thank you.
Having you as my brother was a happy occurence and I'm glad I got to know you for thirteen years. It was serendiptious.
We love you Ryan. I love you to eternity and back and it still doesn't seem real. I'll miss you but I will forever love you. Thank you so much for being my brother, Ryan, and I hope I never forget what a good one you where. I love you.
s o u r / b l u e be r r i e s
i know you don't care, but it hurts to call you that. it slits my throat, blood d r i p p i n g down my chin as the one -syllable word forces its arrival. i contort to the pain; i convulse to sight of blueberries at the store because they were your favorite. i was your favorite. what happened to that? fall-
was never my thing but you made me trip over the cracks slip between the rocks
of your abusive behavior, blaming me for everything but you had me so captivated
by your mystical eyes your enigmatic love your complicated history that i tripped & slipped over it all and before i realized it i was fall-
in love with someone who refused to kiss me because i didn't say yes to sex one night
in love with someone who forgot to love me because he was busy loving someone else
i fell in love with someone who treated me like i didn't matter even though he knew
that i already feel like i don't matter and all i wanted one day was a hug but i guess
you were too busy to love me i guess i wasn't worth your love i guess i'm not worth love
but i know that's not true because i know i deserve the sun&moon
you gave me the sun but forgot that it was burning me
you gave me the moon but forgot that it was blinding me
i don't know why i make excuses for you still like when i saw you kiss her
i just said "he must be drunk" as if that's a reason for your lips to be on anybody's
but mine i don't like being your ex because it reminds me that once i was your love
once i was your everything until you decided i wasn't worth it anymore
until you concluded i was only worth a sorry love of lies
i don't like being your ex because god,
i still miss you.
you burnt me and you blinded me and you hurt me. but i miss you because i hoped (hope) you would change maybe i would be worth that.
but clearly i was worth less than five-dollar blueberries because i still see you buy them in the store with a smile as if i wasn't the person who told you to try them.
I never in a million years thought I would be writing this to you. Especially when a couple of years back you were literally the closest person I had in my life. You still are the closest person I have in my life. But what does that say about me when you really don't know me that well anymore. I used to share everything with you, and I am not really sure when I stopped but I know that I did. And, at first it wasn't your fault that I was distant, but now it is. Because how can you tell someone all the details about how someone hurt you when they are the one who hurt you. Sometimes I feel like you know you are hurting me with the words you say. And other times I am wondering if you really are that blind to how horrible your words are and what is implied with them. Here are just a few examples of words and actions you have done that are burned into my head: You make me feel bad for staying skinny when all I eat is "junk" just because you can not do the same. Then you turn around and make me eat when I would rather starve so that I could have a real reason to give you about how I am still skinny. You tell me that you would never judge me no matter what, but when a guy you like makes fun of me because of this app that I like, you agree with him. I still hesitate to ever play that game around you or others anymore because I am embarrassed. And sometimes you just make me feel so freaking dumb. Like whatever I was saying was the stupidest thing in the world. Then, later I find out that whatever I was saying was correct, but that still doesn't make me feel any better. You are always down on yourself and insecure, so whenever I see you I like to pay attention and compliment you whenever I like your clothes or your new nails or when your hair looks pretty. And yet you still never believe me when I say you are freaking beautiful. And that really annoys the heck out of me because you are so pretty. And then I turn around and think about myself and recently I realized that the only time you tell me I'm pretty is when I am calling myself ugly. But the thing is, I know you are lying when you say that because your definition of pretty is skinny. Which is why you don't believe yourself to be fricking gorgeous, even though you are. And why you say I'm pretty like it's a reflex for you. You also always feel horrible when you do bad in math and so I refrain from saying how easy the homework or the test was because I am better in math. But then you always make me feel bad when I get a low grade on a test in English. And how could I do so bad when the test was literally so "easy". You have genuinely told me that I "act like such a child" more than one time. You also like to tell me how "difficult" I am all the time. You gave up on our plans of going to college together because you said you would miss your cat too much to leave behind. Doesn't that imply that you would miss your cat more than me? You insult me indirectly. For example, sometimes you ask me to french braid your hair. But then recently, I had just finished doing loose-ish french braids in your hair in a way that I never had before with no video to follow, just me guessing based off a verbal description, no photo to give me a clue of what it was really supposed to look like. And then you started doing tight dutch braids in our other friends hair and about halfway through one of the braids, that was a hairstyle I ask you to do on me all the time, that you learned on me while watching a video, you made the comment, "you know, I think dutch braids look better". And at first I kind of just brushed that off because I kind of agree, and I voiced that but I also said that I think it also depends on the person and their hair. But then a few minutes passed and you made another comment, "I think braids also look better when they are super tight." I was just silent to that comment. What was I supposed to say to that, like I'm sorry that you think my braids look like crap but can you just out and say it instead of lying to my face and say they look fine. You see, you do things like that all the time. I don't know what caused you to change you in this way because you definitely weren't like this to me in middle school. I feel like I am always worrying about what I look like and what I say now around you because I am afraid that you are secretly judging or even going to voice your judgments about me. Because I know that once you have said something like that the words will never leave my mind. I also sometimes feel like you don't believe the fact that there is a high probability of me having anxiety among other things. You belittle me when I am nervous about doing certain actions. You talk about how you were nervous for that presentation too, or you don't like talking to new people all that much either but you put yourself out there and got that presentation over with and look at how you're fine, it wasn't that hard. But you just don't get it, when I say I don't want to present I say that because the thought of presenting makes me feel like I can't breathe, I can just feel everyone's eyes on me and I literally would rather die than be there in that moment any longer. I stutter during presentations and I talk quickly and quietly and stare anywhere but at the audience. While you, you do the opposite you meet people's eye and speak loud, clear, and slow. You finish and then you sit down and are fine. But when I finish I rush to the back of the room to ask the teacher if I can use the restroom in hopes that I can remember how to breathe and stop shaking so visibly. I also can never talk to you about my likely depression anymore because I end being the one to comfort you instead of you helping me with those thoughts, also sometimes you are the cause of my bad feelings. I think the main thing that I struggle with and that hurts me is the fact that I would never ever make you feel this way or do any of these things to you. In fact, in some of these cases, I actively try to make sure you don't feel this way because I notice the stuff that makes you upset. You used to be the one person that I could always speak my mind to and now I don't have anyone I can talk too. And the worst part is you sincerely don't realize that I am feeling this way. Like you honestly don't realize how I lowkey feel like our friendship is really struggling. No, you think that everything is fine when that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't even know how I am supposed to act around you anymore. Just typing this out kills me because all of a sudden I am remembering things that you have done or said to me that I don't think you even remember happening. It also makes me realize that I really have no one that actually knows me. You used to be the one person that I didn't put my fake face on for but that has changed. I feel like everything has changed and I am not okay. I know you will never see this letter but writing this all out has both helped and hurt me more. Because I know that you will never realize the extent of all the pain you have caused me. And I know that after I finish this letter I have to go back to my stupid life full of pretending. Which really sucks because I feel like after putting this much emotion into one place something must have changed, but nothing ever will. Moving on, this ended up much longer than I intended and you aren't even going to read this, so, I guess this is it. I will see on Monday at training and hopefully by then my fake face will be ready again for use because I don't know if I could keep it together if I had to see you any sooner. As it is I will probably avoid all human interaction for the rest of the night because I really don't have the energy to pretend to be happy for anyone right now. So...
bye, for now.
your supposed bestie.
If Only I Could Take Your Place
If you’re reading this, that means that I am no longer with you. I really am sorry for leaving you behind. I know that you’re going to want to do this, so I tell you in advance: don’t blame yourself for anything that’s happened.
I’ve spent so many days and nights surrounded by people but feeling so alone, like I can’t seem to connect. I don’t know if something’s wrong with me, or I’m simply, I don’t know. A horrible person? I know I have to keep positive, and stay strong, if only for my little brother’s sake. But it’s draining me to keep going like this when I’m hiding what no one can know about. I am a selfless person, so I hate thinking this way, I know I should be thinking only of others’ needs and wants and try to serve them to the best of my ability. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder can’t anybody hear me? Can’t anybody see me? Will anybody watch me? Is someone gonna stop me? I know it could be my last mistake... but despite my achievements and and goals... I’m just defeated. I’ve fought my way out of this struggle alone before, but I’m so so afraid that I’m not going to be able to do it again... and yet I’m not afraid. I’m ready to be taken at any time. Everyone says it’ll stop eventually, and that’s what I tell them because I’m trying so hard to believe... but I’ve lost a vital piece of me and I start to think I’m beyond recovery. They say if you look in the mirror you see things clearer... and I want to believe that, but I can’t even look in the mirror. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I’m so sorry for everything.
It’s just that even though I collected my wood for a strong fire, all I got w as singed hands. Now my fire is out. It was my time to leave the city. It was for a while that I knew my time was almost over. I know that to stay alive I had to kill my mind. That has never been more true. But I just can’t anymore; the lion has devoured me.
The only thing you’ve made my life is better. And before you say that you made my death, think again! If you can, look out a window. If not, go outside. See that light? It’s always there, in one way or another. The sun’s light lasts for a day, but the moon reflects the sun’s light. Even when the sun is not visible, it’s effects are seen on the moon, proving that it is still there even when it is out of sight. Think of my departure like that. I hope that my effects can be seen on the moon, so to speak. I have this quote I like. It was written on a wall in a Nazi concentration camp. “I believe in the sun even when it is not shining, I believe in love even when I cannot feel it, I believe in God even when He is silent.” Unlike what my history teacher told me, the light at the end of the tunnel is not the train coming to hit you. There truly is hope in the darkest places and times. I do understand that the sun is not shining though. These things do take a small degree of faith, but then again, do not many ventures in life take a step of faith?
I was really hoping to go to college with you and plan our future together. I’m sorry that had to be cut short. Please be sure to tell my family I love them, and give your mom a hug for me, okay? If there is anything that I have done to hurt you, I am apologizing now for my offenses and the fact that I will never be able to make up for them. One thing I hate is that I have no way of knowing if I left behind anything of lasting importance in this world; if I have a legacy that will live on and affect people several generations beyond me. I desperately hope I do, for if I do not, then there is no reason for me to even be here anyway. That would mean that I truly am a mistake or fate of circumstance.
I had planned so much to give to this world, but it appears that I will be unable to. Will you carry on my gift for me?
All I wish is to be worth my while. I feel like the greatest failure since I am unable to achieve my goal. Smile at your soon-to-be colleagues, make friends, enjoy your life! And listen to all of the new music Twenty One Pilots creates for me! I don’t believe in following your dreams, but Jinxx explained my thoughts exactly: “Dreams come true to those who dare dream and make them a reality.” So pursue your goals, but don’t make dream chasing your primary goal. Through hard work and diligence, you can make your dreams a reality.
Jin… I have one more thing to ask you. I miss you already. Do you promise… to let me stay with you, in your heart? If you keep me close, I’ll never truly be gone. That said, I do encourage you to make room for others in your heart, but please, remember me. I love you, and will miss you so, so much! I hope that I will see you again later in another time and place.