the colors of fall
mother nature whispers to me
that this is her favorite time of year
because she gets to paint the trees
from green to golden shades of
yellow and ginger
she'll blow kisses
careful to make them soft
to create a breeze that will
sweep through the strands
of your hair and
be planted on your cheek
leaving them a shade of light pink
she'll wave the sun goodbye
before welcoming the grey clouds
to blanket the sky
happy to give us the rain we've
been asking her for all summer
each pumpkin will be caressed by her
fingertips, they'll feel her love and
promise to stay vibrant as children carve
faces into them before they sit proudly
on their front doorstep
-the colors of fall
one more night
you knew that it would be the last night
that i would get to be yours
and you didn't even hold me extra tight
or kiss me three seconds longer than usual
you robbed me of that
the moment you knew that i was
no longer enough to make you
want to stay the night
that i was too much
for you to handle when we woke
up and i'd have a day full of
sarcasm and attitude awaiting
how did we get here?
how did i not see?
that you were fading away
not worried about losing me
even though i never truly had you
so if this is truly it
please, have mercy on me
and spend one last night with me
so i could hold you extra tight
and kiss you for three seconds
longer than usual
while i try to ignore the ache in
my chest that this is
our one last time
until next season
only a few leaves linger on
the branches of the tree that
stands tall in my backyard
two months ago they were vibrant colors
of yellow and red and orange, only
now they're dull and dirty
devastated that they've faded over time
i tell them how beautiful they are, still
they cling onto the last few days of autumn
knowing that if they finally let go of
their branches, they'll be defeated and
forgotten until next year
the friends of theirs who have long given up
lay on the floor beneath them, mocking
them with change as they have no color left
only a shade of brown that crunches
under the footsteps of the people who await
"don't look at me like that,"
"you just hurt my heart and now it's difficult for me to breathe, how do you expect me to look at you?"
"i didn't want to hurt you, i never did. but i couldn't keep pretending, that wouldn't have been fair."
"wait. keep pretending? meaning you've been pretending for a while?"
"i just didn't know how to tell you, this is difficult for me too,"
"difficult for you? you just told me that you don't love me anymore. how can this be difficult for you when you still have the love i have for you? i lost that apparently."
"that's not true, i do love you. i just don't think i'm in love wi-"
"don't finish that sentence. god, please do not finish that sentence."
"im so sorry, i hate that this is hurting you so bad,"
"yeah well, i'm sorry that i wasn't enough,"
"stop. don't say stuff like that. you're everything and more, i just don't feel-"
"enough! stop telling me what you no longer feel because each time you say it, it hurts more than the last,"
"i don't know what else to say!"
"you've said enough,"
"so then what now?"
"wait like, for good?"
"i think so."
scream for me
as i drive down my street, i smile at all of the children posing outside in their costumes as their parents try to snap a picture while there is still a little bit of daylight lingering. their eager faces hide behind their halloween costumes, ready to stomp on the orange and yellow leaves scattered across the pavement.
i glance at the bags of candy sitting in my passenger seat, knowing there will be plenty left over and i'll probably end the night drowning in chocolate and watching hocus pocus. i can't complain though, i'm the one who turned down any halloween party invitations that were offered by my friends. now i'll be one of the only twenty two years olds home alone on halloween night.
as i'm getting my things from my car, i notice a figure standing across the street. all i can make out is a ghostface mask and dark clothing, they seem to be pretty tall so i'm guessing it's a man. i try not to stare for too long but as i'm about to turn away, they give a little wave and tilt their head. the interaction made me a little bit nervous but i try to brush it off as i rush inside. what a weirdo.
an hour later, i'm answering the door every now and then to children dressed as monsters, princesses, and superheroes. there's a lot more traffic this year, i'm definitely surprised but thankful i decided to pick up extra bags of candy.
"trick or treat!" two little boys and one girl stand at my door holding their candy sacks open.
"you are the most adorable power rangers i have ever seen," i smile, dropping chocolate in each bag, one extra for the little girl.
"thank you," one of the boys say. "um, the scary man across the street said if he could have some candy too."
the smile vanishes from my face almost immediately. when i stand straight up and look ahead, i see the same figure in the ghost face mask standing there. i look around for the children's parents, not wanting to let them walk off alone without supervision.
"uh, where are your parents?" i ask, my voice sounding uneasy.
"we live two houses down," the girl points to the light brown house. "our mommy said we could go to one more house but your neighbor was out of candy."
i look at the figure still standing there. the street is nearly empty aside from a few trick-or-treaters getting their last houses in before the night of receiving candy is over. i know they live close, but i can't let these kids walk alone with a complete weirdo standing there watching them. so i grab my keys from the hook, lock my door, and offer to walk them home.
when we reach their door, their mother is standing there waiting. she gives me a warm smile as her children run to her and excitedly tell her how much candy they've gotten tonight.
"i just wanted to make sure they got home safely, there was a weird figure standing over there-" i point the where the ghost face was standing, only there was no one there. an eery feeling overcomes me.
"well thank you, i very much appreciate it," she beams. "let's get inside kids, it's time for a halloween movie."
as the door closes, i turn to make my way back home. i'm relieved to see a group of kids walking down the street with two adults. at least there will be witnesses if the creep jumps out and snatches me up.
i let out a deep breathe when i make it inside my cozy home, my nostrils filling with the scent of the pizza i had in the oven. thank goodness because i am starving. only when i go to take the pizza out of the oven, i notice that my side door is cracked open. chills go down my spine because i'm well aware that i closed it when i let milo out a little bit ago.
the sound of glass shattering nearly gives me a heart attack. i whip around to see my cat standing on the counter and the glass of wine i was sipping on is now splatters across my kitchen floor.
"are you trying to kill me milo?" i yell, placing my hand on my chest. i shake my head and tell myself that i didn't close the door all the way and he was able to push it open and let himself in. because that's the only explanation i am willing to think of.
after picking up the glass and mopping up the wine, i pull the pizza out of the oven and cut myself a slice. though before i could take a bite, there's a ring at my door. i assume it's the last of the trick-or-treaters, i might as well give them the last of the candy.
but when i swing the door open, there are no children in masks waiting for candy. an uneasy feeling settles in my stomach and i look around to make sure the creep from before wasn't across the street but the spot is empty.
when i turn around, the figure with the ghostface is looking down at me. the bowl of candy falls from my hands and i let out a shriek. before i can do anything else, he slams the door and pushes me against it. i try to scream again but he covers my mouth with one hand. i feel a sharp pain in my side and let out a cry. i can feel the tears falling down my cheeks. i feel the sharp object being pulled in and out from my side and it's getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open.
"that's right, baby," he says. "scream for me."
words have a mind of their own
the words i never got to say to you are now
bottled up in a jar that sits on my shelf
dust doesn't have the chance to build up on the glass
because with each day that passes
i pick it up and open the lid, speaking into it
the things i don't have the strength to tell you when
i run into you downtown
but i'm afraid one day it's going to be so full
that it will shatter and they'll betray me
i won't be able to stop the words from fleeing
around the room and escaping through my windows
they'll race through the streets, familiar of every
turn and stoplight that it takes to get to your house
and they'll reveal themselves to you, all at once
you once mentioned how much you loved stormy weather
and though i had a fear of thunderstorms
each day, i asked mother nature if she would be so kind
as to let it rain, "for him," i'd say
but without reason, she declined
i didn't let this stop me from coming back at
the same time each day, i was sure she was
growing tired of me
"i am in a good place, there is no need to let my anger out"
she confessed, it was then that i felt selfish to ask this of her
i sat and listened to her talk about how in love she was
that she allowed to flowers to bloom and the sun to shine
she let me talk about you and how i was able to feel
the love you had for me when you looked me in my eyes
"he is everything good and everything i love," i told her
she let me know she was happy for me by tucking my
hair behind my ear with a light breeze
but on the two-hundred and twelfth day of love
i came to her with a broken heart and she hurt with me
it was then that the sky turned dark with clouds
i began to scream and cry, she let the thunder roar
to mask the sound of my pain
and she let the rain fall to hide the tears i shed
cold hands, colder feelings
and i know you don't think about me anymore
but you still live in every part of my mind
and i can't breathe given the thought that
the hands you use to rip her clothes off
are the same hands that i still call home
do you love her like you loved me?
or are the feelings that you have for her as
cold as her body is when she lies next to you
after a night of drinking too much?
forgive me for asking questions i have no strength
to know the answer to, but what am i to do
when you left me broken on my bedroom floor
and you dont love me anymore
the first one
though it was difficult to hold onto at times, the thought that there would come someone who would be worth all of the waiting and failed relationships and heartaches, was always in the back of my mind. as a twenty two year old, i never imagined it would be someone who i met when i was fourteen. at the time, it was a small crush that i quickly got over when he went back to his city three hours away, after visiting for the summer. years passed, lovers came and went. and then suddenly he was here.
we became close friends first, i tried to ignore the feelings that i was developing for him, he sat clueless during our facetime calls every night. but despite my fighting of feelings and his oblivion, there was always something there. at first, we hide behind innocent flirting and sarcastic comments. we learned everything about each other's past and present and what we hoped would be our future. but then i realized, it was him.
the first one who was able to handle my attitude and mood swings. the first one who didn't think my clingy behavior and need for reassurance was annoying. the first one who didn't see my sarcastic comments were rude, in fact he would fire back with them. the first one who didn't expect anything sexual from me unless it was something i was comfortable with first. the first one who was supportive of everything i did and wanted to be. the first one who encouraged me when i was struggling. the first one to pray for me when i needed comfort. the first one i was sure was the one who was made for me.
because if not him, then who?
i was always too much or not enough for the one's who came before him. but he made it a point to assure me that i was everything to him. that i didn't need to change anything to fit his standards because who i was, was already enough.
and i believed him. because i felt it, the love he said he had for me. i felt it in the way his finger rubbed over my thumb when we held hands. i saw it in the way he looked at me. i heard it every time he spoke his assuring words. i had finally found my person. and i didn't ever want to let him go.
until i lost him. the timing wasn't in our favor. we had too much growing to do. we were in different places in life. and though it made my heart ache to part ways, i had no choice but to hang on to a sliver of hope that one day, our timing will be right.
the truth about heartache
there's a reason why they call it heartache
it was last july when i discovered this
i gave you everything i had to give
but you left
and took so many pieces of me with you
all i could do was allow my heart to ache at your absence
the ache that was so present, i couldn't breathe
every time you entered my mind
i could no longer eat or sleep enough
i drove my car with the radio off because all they
seemed to play were love songs that i no longer
had anyone to sing them to
and for the next seven months, it fucking hurt
i ached, i cried, i drank, and i vented to my mother who
fought the urge to tell me she told me so
and the worst part is, even though i'm all glued
back together now. if you came back, i just might
let you break me all over again