i showed you every part of me

i was an open book

"i don't really like to read"

that's okay

i thought

maybe if i painted a pretty enough

cover picture, you'd open me up

run your fingers across my pages

the spine of my book

but you were illiterate

you didn't care to know the difference

between "your" and "you're"

or "love" and "lust"

stood on the cliffside screaming "give me a reason"

your faithless love's the only hoax i believe in

don't want no other shade of blue but you

no other sadness in the world would do

can you tell it's been a sad week?

mother nature whispers to me

that this is her favorite time of year

because she gets to paint the trees

from green to golden shades of

yellow and ginger

she'll blow kisses

careful to make them soft

to create a breeze that will

sweep through the strands

of your hair and

be planted on your cheek

leaving them a shade of light pink

she'll wave the sun goodbye

before welcoming the grey clouds

to blanket the sky

happy to give us the rain we've

been asking her for all summer

each pumpkin will be caressed by her

fingertips, they'll feel her love and

promise to stay vibrant as children carve

faces into them before they sit proudly

on their front doorstep

-the colors of fall

"don't look at me like that,"

"you just hurt my heart and now it's difficult for me to breathe, how do you expect me to look at you?"

"i didn't want to hurt you, i never did. but i couldn't keep pretending, that wouldn't have been fair."

"wait. keep pretending? meaning you've been pretending for a while?"

"i just didn't know how to tell you, this is difficult for me too,"

"difficult for you? you just told me that you don't love me anymore. how can this be difficult for you when you still have the love i have for you? i lost that apparently."

"that's not true, i do love you. i just don't think i'm in love wi-"

"don't finish that sentence. god, please do not finish that sentence."

"im so sorry, i hate that this is hurting you so bad,"

"yeah well, i'm sorry that i wasn't enough,"

"stop. don't say stuff like that. you're everything and more, i just don't feel-"

"enough! stop telling me what you no longer feel because each time you say it, it hurts more than the last,"

"i don't know what else to say!"

"you've said enough,"

"so then what now?"

"i leave,"

"wait like, for good?"

"i think so."

the words i never got to say to you are now

bottled up in a jar that sits on my shelf

dust doesn't have the chance to build up on the glass

because with each day that passes

i pick it up and open the lid, speaking into it

the things i don't have the strength to tell you when

i run into you downtown

but i'm afraid one day it's going to be so full

that it will shatter and they'll betray me

i won't be able to stop the words from fleeing

around the room and escaping through my windows

they'll race through the streets, familiar of every

turn and stoplight that it takes to get to your house

and they'll reveal themselves to you, all at once

though it was difficult to hold onto at times, the thought that there would come someone who would be worth all of the waiting and failed relationships and heartaches, was always in the back of my mind. as a twenty two year old, i never imagined it would be someone who i met when i was fourteen. at the time, it was a small crush that i quickly got over when he went back to his city three hours away, after visiting for the summer. years passed, lovers came and went. and then suddenly he was here.

we became close friends first, i tried to ignore the feelings that i was developing for him, he sat clueless during our facetime calls every night. but despite my fighting of feelings and his oblivion, there was always something there. at first, we hide behind innocent flirting and sarcastic comments. we learned everything about each other's past and present and what we hoped would be our future. but then i realized, it was him.

the first one who was able to handle my attitude and mood swings. the first one who didn't think my clingy behavior and need for reassurance was annoying. the first one who didn't see my sarcastic comments were rude, in fact he would fire back with them. the first one who didn't expect anything sexual from me unless it was something i was comfortable with first. the first one who was supportive of everything i did and wanted to be. the first one who encouraged me when i was struggling. the first one to pray for me when i needed comfort. the first one i was sure was the one who was made for me.

because if not him, then who?

i was always too much or not enough for the one's who came before him. but he made it a point to assure me that i was everything to him. that i didn't need to change anything to fit his standards because who i was, was already enough.

and i believed him. because i felt it, the love he said he had for me. i felt it in the way his finger rubbed over my thumb when we held hands. i saw it in the way he looked at me. i heard it every time he spoke his assuring words. i had finally found my person. and i didn't ever want to let him go.

until i lost him. the timing wasn't in our favor. we had too much growing to do. we were in different places in life. and though it made my heart ache to part ways, i had no choice but to hang on to a sliver of hope that one day, our timing will be right.

its friday morning and i take my coffee black

only i get nauseous when i realize that

coffee with no creamer is the perfect color to

match your eyes, the ones that i have not

looked into since tuesday

i seemed to have been so blinded by my feelings

for you that i could not realize the

lack of feelings that you've shown for me

and then i cant help but wonder when exactly it

begun, i pour my coffee down the drain and

fight the urge to ask "when did you stop loving me?"

by saturday night im confessing to the moon the ache

i feel for you and when she doesnt respond

i know its because shes too busy shining on lovers

that are tangled together, kissing beneath her

i whisper

"please, let those lovers last a lifetime, even if him and i dont."

the fact of the matter is

sometimes you meet the right person

during the wrong time, for one

or for both of you

and you might love them

and im sure they miss you every

night that you're absent from their bed

and i can probably guess that you're

mad at the clock that sits on your nightstand

because the timing was not in your favor

but i regret to inform you that

there is absolutely nothing

you could do about the ache that you

feel for them

because that's how life goes

sometimes

the one person who could heat up your

entire body as soon as they lace

their fingers in yours

the one person that made you feel

everything and nothing all at once

is not meant to be yours

its raining outside

the patter of the water droplets

hit the roof, the sweet sound

of autumn welcoming our city.

im sitting on my living room floor,

right next to the fire place

the lighting is dim, the main source

coming from the flames in front

of me. the room smells of apple cinnimon

as i refuse to purchase any other

candle scent.

when i look out of the window,

the sky is a soft gray

she isnt mad

she is simply expressing herself

by crying about how harsh

the summer had been to her.

the raindrops on the window

race eachother

as if who ever reached the window

pane first would be deamed

the winner. i mentally bet on each

raindrop i focused on.

i let my breathe fog the window

my cold finger draws a sad face

but i dont want it to be lonely

like its creator

so i add a happy face close by.

the sun begins her goodbye

promising the moon would replace her

to keep me company.