I'll be here
Or will I?
I want to be so badly
But the more I wait,
The more I hurt
And know that you don't love me
While I'm clinging desperately
To what I long to happen
You're still swaying back and forth
To something I can't fathom
Just tell me what it is
The lying isn't working
And all it does is tell me
That the waiting isn't worth it
You played your game and played it well,
Don't you think I knew?
In this empty room I tell myself
I'm sorry I'm a fool.
I saw the scheme, what you willed I believe,
Dismissed the nauseating truth.
And still every time I wake,
I always reach for you.
To the place you never were,
The one I saved for you,
Longed for you to take
And hoped could yet be true.
But just like all your words,
It never was fulfilled
And even knowing what would come,
I'm not ready for it still.
So I lay awake pretending
That a scent of you remains,
And ignore what my tears reminds me,
That space only ever held their stains.
How do I hold such delusional hope
And a faith that has no bearing,
When on all the things I've held so close,
I lost my grip so easy?
That you were my only reason for living,
Would surely be a lie.
So now that you've left me without you,
Why do I wish I could die?
If there's a dream beyond all reason,
One worth it to be had,
I'd say I dreamt you held me still,
And that we could have all the good without the bad.
I miss you like crazy
I love you to death
I'm sorry there are morons
That think I'm on meth
If only they'd share
I might try what they're smoking
To call this honest work
They're delusional if not joking
A sick joke it would be
And I'm failing to see
Any sort of humor
In them taking you from me
If that was their shot, they've missed
If this is aired as efficacious
Or any goddamn thing other
Than poorly written political satire
Whatever they're trying to accomplish
To get their pat on the back
All they've managed so far
Is to get all three of us vexed
I'm sorry I've passed on my temper
Hoping it's also a knack to see
Past people's bullshit facades
To their simple stupidity
Cause if their goal was to ensure the best
They would see that you're well taken care of
And they'd be satisfied with a test
Instead they accuse and make allegations
Backed by a lengthy, facetious probation
Lacking sense but marked with dictation
I know you're both strong
And I know you're smart
This is an inconvenience at best
But just remember those things and who you are
And I'll work out the rest
Use me like you have,
Like you've been doing all along
Pretend like I don't know,
Like you've done nothing wrong
Expect all I've given freely,
Don't be afraid to ask for more
I'd give it all to you again
In hopes this time I'd be yours
Tell me that you love me,
Don't let the lies stop yet
I still crave them like nicotine,
Depend on them like I do breath
Assure me I can trust you
And I'll listen like a fool,
Ignore every single warning
Just to only be with you
Hold me tight a little longer
Like I belong in your embrace
Please don't tell me I can't stay here
You've given someone else my place
It's not like I don't know the truth
Or that it doesn't pain me...
If I can keep you with me in my mind
Maybe losing you won't break me
If reality persists me,
I'm afraid of what might happen
I've been on the edge, about to fall,
Every time it starts to creep in
So feed me just a little more,
You've wrapped deceit so nicely
And given me a perfect picture
Of who for me you’ll never be
You played your game and played it well,
Don't you think I knew?
In this empty room I tell myself
I'm sorry I'm a fool.
I saw the scheme, what you willed I believe,
Dismissed the nauseating truth.
And still every time I wake,
I always reach for you.
To the place you never were,
The one I saved for you,
Longed for you to take
And hoped could yet be true.
But just like all your words,
It never was fulfilled
And even knowing what would come,
I'm not ready for it still.
So I lay awake pretending
That a scent of you remains,
And ignore what my tears remind me,
That space only ever held their stains.
How do I hold such delusional hope
And a faith that has no bearing,
When on all the things I've held so close,
I lost my grip so easy?
That you were my only reason for living,
Would surely be a lie.
So now that you've left me without you,
Why do I wish I could die?
If there's a dream beyond all reason,
One worth it to be had,
I'd say I dreamt you held me still,
And everything at bay that could ever make me sad.
This isn't how it was supposed to be
In lust with the pain, begging for release
So angry I can't stand to let go and just breathe
Why did I fall for you, why do I stay
When I feel it so clear at the end of every day
You don't want me near, wouldn't care if I walked away
And I guess better it stays hidden maybe but
The raging inside me seems so contradictory
To the quiet, lax stillness that everyone sees
But still if I told you, myself, honestly
I feel nothing but calm when you're finally next to me
And the hold you have over me, I wish I could sever,
Let my stupid heart be free
But as long as you have it, I'll probably forever
Keep hoping for what you won't be
Have you ever wanted to sit down and cry, but you can't let it get in your way, so you rinse your face with cool water and carry on with your day?
Do you avoid getting close to people, because you know it'll end up sore, so you lay awake alone at night wishing you had more?
Do you have those times that you're thankful for the peace and quiet of your own, or are more times spent on wishing that you didn't have to do it alone?
When you wake every day, do you put on your straight face to convince them that you're fine? You smile and laugh often enough to keep up with that lie?
Do you question if maybe it's not a lie, and everything is alright? Out of the lessons you've learned you just have yet to be content with your life?
And every time you tell yourself, you're sure there has to be more, you shove it quickly to the back of your mind, to where it was before.
Because first of all you know, dreams interfere with life, and you can't really have it all, until you know how to survive.
If any of that is true, please know you're not alone, coming from this girl, who has yet to find her home.
Now I don't know all of the details.
All I know is that you're gone.
That for whatever the reasons were
You didn't feel like you could go on.
And I know I shouldn't speculate
It should be none of my concern.
But what the hell were you thinking
In that motel room, all alone.
Of course I couldn't have you,
I could never be yours again.
But I wanted so bad to see you happy,
Not for your life to come to an end.
In my dreams I had high hopes,
You and Val, you'd thrive.
Why the fuck did you leave her alone
She needed you by her side.
How did you do it, how did they find you how long had it been?
When you opened that door, were you planning
Did you already know it was the end?
I thought I missed you like crazy,
I didn't realize it could be worse.
Never thought that I'd blame me
Or that you'd choose yourself to leave this earth.
As much as I hate that you're gone
I pray that you find peace
And that your little warrior
Will somehow be at ease.