You played your game and played it well,

Don't you think I knew?

In this empty room I tell myself

I'm sorry I'm a fool.

I saw the scheme, what you willed I believe,

Dismissed the nauseating truth.

And still every time I wake,

I always reach for you.

To the place you never were,

The one I saved for you,

Longed for you to take

And hoped could yet be true.

But just like all your words,

It never was fulfilled

And even knowing what would come,

I'm not ready for it still.

So I lay awake pretending

That a scent of you remains,

And ignore what my tears reminds me,

That space only ever held their stains.

How do I hold such delusional hope

And a faith that has no bearing,

When on all the things I've held so close,

I lost my grip so easy?

That you were my only reason for living,

Would surely be a lie.

So now that you've left me without you,

Why do I wish I could die?

If there's a dream beyond all reason,

One worth it to be had,

I'd say I dreamt you held me still,

And that we could have all the good without the bad.

I miss you like crazy

I love you to death

I'm sorry there are morons

That think I'm on meth

If only they'd share

I might try what they're smoking

To call this honest work

They're delusional if not joking

A sick joke it would be

And I'm failing to see

Any sort of humor

In them taking you from me

If that was their shot, they've missed

If this is aired as efficacious

Or any goddamn thing other

Than poorly written political satire

Whatever they're trying to accomplish

To get their pat on the back

All they've managed so far

Is to get all three of us vexed

I'm sorry I've passed on my temper

Hoping it's also a knack to see

Past people's bullshit facades

To their simple stupidity

Cause if their goal was to ensure the best

They would see that you're well taken care of

And they'd be satisfied with a test

Instead they accuse and make allegations

Backed by a lengthy, facetious probation

Lacking sense but marked with dictation

I know you're both strong

And I know you're smart

This is an inconvenience at best

But just remember those things and who you are

And I'll work out the rest

Use me like you have,

Like you've been doing all along

Pretend like I don't know,

Like you've done nothing wrong

Expect all I've given freely,

Don't be afraid to ask for more

I'd give it all to you again

In hopes this time I'd be yours

Tell me that you love me,

Don't let the lies stop yet

I still crave them like nicotine,

Depend on them like I do breath

Assure me I can trust you

And I'll listen like a fool,

Ignore every single warning

Just to only be with you

Hold me tight a little longer

Like I belong in your embrace

Please don't tell me I can't stay here

You've given someone else my place

It's not like I don't know the truth

Or that it doesn't pain me...

If I can keep you with me in my mind

Maybe losing you won't break me

If reality persists me,

I'm afraid of what might happen

I've been on the edge, about to fall,

Every time it starts to creep in

So feed me just a little more,

You've wrapped deceit so nicely

And given me a perfect picture

Of who for me you’ll never be

You played your game and played it well,

Don't you think I knew?

In this empty room I tell myself

I'm sorry I'm a fool.

I saw the scheme, what you willed I believe,

Dismissed the nauseating truth.

And still every time I wake,

I always reach for you.

To the place you never were,

The one I saved for you,

Longed for you to take

And hoped could yet be true.

But just like all your words,

It never was fulfilled

And even knowing what would come,

I'm not ready for it still.

So I lay awake pretending

That a scent of you remains,

And ignore what my tears remind me,

That space only ever held their stains.

How do I hold such delusional hope

And a faith that has no bearing,

When on all the things I've held so close,

I lost my grip so easy?

That you were my only reason for living,

Would surely be a lie.

So now that you've left me without you,

Why do I wish I could die?

If there's a dream beyond all reason,

One worth it to be had,

I'd say I dreamt you held me still,

And everything at bay that could ever make me sad.

This isn't how it was supposed to be

In lust with the pain, begging for release

So angry I can't stand to let go and just breathe

Why did I fall for you, why do I stay

When I feel it so clear at the end of every day

You don't want me near, wouldn't care if I walked away

And I guess better it stays hidden maybe but

The raging inside me seems so contradictory

To the quiet, lax stillness that everyone sees

But still if I told you, myself, honestly

I feel nothing but calm when you're finally next to me

And the hold you have over me, I wish I could sever,

Let my stupid heart be free

But as long as you have it, I'll probably forever

Keep hoping for what you won't be

Have you ever wanted to sit down and cry, but you can't let it get in your way, so you rinse your face with cool water and carry on with your day?

Do you avoid getting close to people, because you know it'll end up sore, so you lay awake alone at night wishing you had more?

Do you have those times that you're thankful for the peace and quiet of your own, or are more times spent on wishing that you didn't have to do it alone?

When you wake every day, do you put on your straight face to convince them that you're fine? You smile and laugh often enough to keep up with that lie?

Do you question if maybe it's not a lie, and everything is alright? Out of the lessons you've learned you just have yet to be content with your life?

And every time you tell yourself, you're sure there has to be more, you shove it quickly to the back of your mind, to where it was before.

Because first of all you know, dreams interfere with life, and you can't really have it all, until you know how to survive.

If any of that is true, please know you're not alone, coming from this girl, who has yet to find her home.

Now I don't know all of the details.

All I know is that you're gone.

That for whatever the reasons were

You didn't feel like you could go on.

And I know I shouldn't speculate

It should be none of my concern.

But what the hell were you thinking

In that motel room, all alone.

Of course I couldn't have you,

I could never be yours again.

But I wanted so bad to see you happy,

Not for your life to come to an end.

In my dreams I had high hopes,

You and Val, you'd thrive.

Why the fuck did you leave her alone

She needed you by her side.

How did you do it, how did they find you how long had it been?

When you opened that door, were you planning

Did you already know it was the end?

I thought I missed you like crazy,

I didn't realize it could be worse.

Never thought that I'd blame me

Or that you'd choose yourself to leave this earth.

As much as I hate that you're gone

I pray that you find peace

And that your little warrior

Will somehow be at ease.

I wish you knew how much I wanted to talk to you right now.

And you should know I've never tried to use you but you're the only one that I feel like has loved me, truly.

After all that's happened, after all we've been through, I feel like it's been only, and it was always you.

What the fuck is wrong with me that I could even think that? Cause all you've said and done should have destroyed it.

Of all those moments that you weren't yourself, there were the ones where you were nothing else.

That's what I love, what I'm still hung up on. For what I've been told I was an idiot for still holding on.

But you love...when you were you. I wish you knew how much my heart still holds onto you.

I had to let go, I needed a change. But I wish you knew you weren't the only variable in that whole thing.

I feel so alone...and while I wish I were gone, I have two reasons why I will always hold on.

You gave me faith in myself, that without I never would have left. And that seems so contradictory, that what you gave me is what hurt us both.

I never meant to use that against you, but I will always give credit where credit is due. I would not be where I am if not for you. With the tears on my face, I still have to say thank you.

You hurt me the worst but you loved me the most. And while it may seem strange to say, I'm so happy for what I've lost.

Happy that I had you, for all that you've taught me. Happy for the time with Val, though I miss her like fucking crazy.

Now I don't know how you'll receive this or if it will even be sent, cause no matter if I want to, I could never have you back.

But you, you gave me all I have. The confidence, the willpower, everything that I lacked.

I miss my family, I miss my home, overall I hate every night that I lay awake alone.

But again baby, I have to thank you for making me realize I was strong. Helping me push forward, when everyone I've ever cared about told me it was wrong.

I have to admit it hurts like a bitch. My own mother telling me I'm worthless. But the names, the lectures, the silence...nothing hurt so much as your absence.

I think the worst part is knowing you hate me, knowing there's nothing I could say to make you forgive me. The only thing I can hope is that you know I didn't take it lightly.

With all that being said, I truly wish you the best. For you to move on and find someone worth the love you invest.

And I know that it's selfish but I'm so mad that I can't, I feel like I will always be stuck with what we were in my head.

Nothing could measure up or compare I'm sure, so does that mean that there's nothing worth waiting for?

And I know I'll be fine, I have been for almost a year. With no "good morning", "goodnight", or " baby, I'm here".

And that confidence you gave me is the only reason I'm here, almost every night I whisper "thank you" while I wipe away the tears.

With how badly I want to, I can't touch your face cause I'd never let go. You were so bad for me, but so good for my soul. And while I still feel it was right, there will always be a part of me that wishes I had never let go.