i always wonder why i gravitate towards bad people

their hurtful words are like melodies to my ears

and my pupils dilate when i see their knuckles coming close to my face

i smile when i’m spitting blood on the cement and feeling my cheek throb

purple has always made my eyes pop

but how could i ever find my way towards something else

when this is all i’ve ever known

all i’ve ever seen in my own home

no one even thought to teach me how to say i love you

instead all i picked up was how to stab and sting with my words

how to bleed through my smiles

violence means comfort to me and pain is normality

because no one, not one person in my life, has ever mentioned that love is not supposed to hurt.

all the boys i’ve loved

have some things in common

besides brown eyes

and beautiful smiles

they say they treat them mean

to keep them keen

and i tend to lean

towards the hurt

but i won’t get on my knees

begging for forgiveness

that i don’t need

not a boy has ever

touched me sober

not a boy held my

hand when i was

wide awake

didn’t tell me

i was beautiful

when i could

understand it

when i could’ve said

“i love you”

but the truth is

i never loved anyone

except him

and he never

even saw me

for who i was

not even

when i was

drunk

out

of

my

mind.

i saw her today and i felt my knees go weak. she was on a bench reading and sipping her coffee, and she smiled as she looked up at me. casually. like an acquaintance. like she wasn't my universe for two years and her pale lips weren't my escape every day and her emerald eyes weren't the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen.

i love her. so damn much.

close your eyes. hold them closed. tightly, until the black behind your eyelids turns into colorful shapes and lines. imagine you are elsewhere than your bed, your room, your house, your town, your country, your planet, your universe. you float through nothingness. your fingertips go numb, then your arms, then your chest, then the rest of your body until you don't feel like a human being anymore. just energy.

and imagine that the energy runs out. spills out of you. think of how you felt when you were young and scared of the dark and what it hid, how you felt when you were called on in class but you hadn't done even half of the assignment, how you'd feel if one day you were walking home from the store and you were held at gunpoint in an empty parking lot. what would you feel beside cold metal on your forehead and sweat running down your temple? what is there left beside that energy?

what is left when the masked person standing in front of you shouts at you but you can't even hear because you're paralyzed? when he pulls the trigger with his shaky fingers? when the bullet pierces through your skin and skull and brain? what is left beside blood and bits of what once was your brain and a pair of cold, dead eyes?

what's the only feeling left?

how foolish of me to think

you would ever love me

when her and i polarize

she’s cold and distant

i just get too close

she hides everything

underneath so well

as if it’s not there at all

while i am an open fire

when it comes to feelings

she’s quiet and enigmatic

and i’ve never met anyone

more opinionated than myself

she knows how to give you

just what you want

but i don’t have a clue

how to even hold your hand

her hair is dark and shiny

and her gaze glints as cold ice

while i hide my ocean eyes

behind wild honey locks

after tears pour from them

like rivers because of

how foolish it is of me to think

i still have a chance.